Husband wants to take time off to meet my friend.....it this reasonable?

[Suzi69]

Me and my husband have a couple of what I thought were really good old friends. We've been on holiday with them and their kids when the children were younger, and all enjoyed it.
Last holiday though, pre-covid, I wasn't so happy as I felt DH was paying my female friend a lot of attention; I felt a little put out and excluded.
Fast forward a few years and my friend comes to stay the night about once a year; she lives about 5 hours from my house but she makes a bit of a detour on the way back from visiting her parents; I think she goes about an hour and a half out of her way.
This was nice the first couple of times she did it but I noticed that she was eager to check if DH was there first; he wasn't as he travels a lot. So last time he was at home and oh my goodness she was extremely pleased to see him; positioned herself so she was only facing him while chatting, thus excluding me, asked very in-depth questions about how he's been the last couple of years; I felt quite uncomfortable about it, it was too personal and I was not really a part of a lot of it.

Now she plans to come again in a couple of months and DH is contemplating taking a days holiday while she's here!
I feel quite angry about this as I feel that any holiday he plans to take should be spent with me and our children. I feel as if he's poaching my friend. I'm also suspicious about the relationship; it's platonic and he obviously gets on with her but is it really reasonable for my husband to take a days vacation to be with my friend? ( and me, admittedly).
I'm a bit uncertain as to whether I should just drop her as a friend; I don't really want to do this as we've been friends for more than then years. But I don't like the way she's behaving.
I'd appreciate your thoughts before I speak to him.

Just ask yourself. Does he go out of his way/take days off to be there when any of your other friends come round for a visit?

Glog banting??

do some sleuthing

Sleuthing? Over what? She comes once a year regardless of whether the ops husband is there or not. They're never alone together because the op's always with them and she lives 5 hours away.

Yes that has summed it up; she is flirting; he isn't but very much enjoying it. It's very disrespectful.I think he's probably flattered by the attention and would like some more of it. I do think it's ridiculous for him to take a day off; three's a crowd given the circumstances.

They're not in touch vis social media etc thank goodness; I'm sure of that as I could tell from her questions that she didn't know what his movements had been over the last year for example. Also I see his accounts; she's not there; she doesn't really bother with social media.

Definitely trust your instincts, of course men and women can be friends but you know them both well enough to see a change in their interactions and see that something is different to just friendliness

Me and DH have known my "friend" and her DH for years; we have a long history. We used to live close to each other and our children are good friends. We have been on holiday together several times when the children were young. I regret that now; I feel as if I've let this situation develop.

MarshaMelrose - erm, social media / WhatsApp / texting? There are many ways people can be in touch on the sly without actually meeting up. Liking bikini photos, commenting on posts, messaging more than they talk to their partner - it's all boundary pushing.

You say you're sure it's platonic, maybe it is.......for now. This is how emotional affairs start, your post has red flags all over it, trust me I've been there.

Though glad to see OP's huband isn't doing that. Just nip it in the bud and go cold on her.

WTF - the woman lives 5 hours away and visits once a year. This isn't someone he works with or sees a lot of - in fact he only ever sees him with his wife, the OP present.

OP, do you have form for cutting people off in the way that you are proposing to do to your friend?

I accidentally got on much better with my friend's husband when we first met. I'd been friends with the woman for a few years and then I kept getting invited over and he was really funny and we had shared interests so naturally started talking about those things. In hindsight I should've just kept to polite chit chat because it clearly annoyed my friend and I felt she was sat there on once occasion not joining in.

But I can categorically say there were no feelings between us, purely platonic. Even single I wouldn't have gone there and vice versa so it really was a case of getting excited about meeting someone who I got on really well with.

We're not friends anymore ( not because of this) but next time i would understand the boundary better

A lot can be lost in how you write but from what you’ve said I wouldn’t see anything odd in it. If I was friends with a couple and hadn’t seen one of them for several years but had seen and communicated with the other I would probably give the one I hadn’t seen more attention. Mainly because there’s more to talk about and I would be happy to see them. The topics seem very generic and indicate they haven’t spoken etc. showing am interest is usually considered polite? If my OH said I was banned from seeing one of his friends I would think he was being overly controlling. Not seeing the friend wouldn’t bother me but the feeling of ownership over my time and who I see would be a definite red flag

Tell your husband you want some girly time with your friend to catch up and say he can take a vacation day another time so just the two of you can go out.
Tell your friend that you will meet her somewhere other than your house, so she won't hang about until your husband gets back and once you two are alone, tackle her on her interest with your husband.
From what you've told us, she only seems interested in your hubby and therefore she's not a friend.

Why don't you show your husband this thread? Let him read how you feel and see the responses.

I think because my friend's body language has shown me that it isn't just a catch up; somewhere along the way she's started seeing DH as an attractive male, not just a friend.
No I don't have male mates who are just mates. I know men who are partners or husbands of my female friends. I don't want to know every detail of their lives.
I don't think I'm being overly suspicious; I think that it would be naive to think that my the three of us can meet and catch up once in a while and isn't it lovely.....I would possibly be enabling Dh and my friend's relationship.

You don't fancy your friend and fancy taking it forward as a shared endeavour with her and your husband?

It might result in the end of your friendship anyway...

If you are unhappy OP Kill the visit and make an excuse. I would go as far as not to tell him she isn't coming and see what his reaction is when he finds out.

I agree that the relationship has changed.

I'll put her off but fully intend to speak to DH because I'm angry with him for playing his part in this.

I think its strange you thing only you and his mum should ask him about work and places hes stayed etc
Why don't you have a conversation with your dh about it and also say no to him taking the time off as she is your friend and you want to catch up , see what his reaction is

From your further posts you don't seem to like her very much and it would be uncomfortable for everyone for the visit to go ahead. I'm not big on people coming to my house or going to other people's houses as it's a bit of a mission. I probably come across as too breezy and interested in others to compensate for the hard work these interactions actually are and to avoid a lull in the conversation. Go with gut instincts though but your likely to start an argument if you tell your DH it's not appropriate for him to take a day off for this friend as he's going to know what that means.

I think trust your gut.

You shouldn’t feel uncomfortable in your own house.

I don’t think they are having a full blown affair mainly because of distance
But if you or they ever move closer I think the only reason to not have an affair would be taken away.

Could I ask when your friend has visited before do she and your Dh ever spend any time alone, do they stay in their own rooms through the night?

Agree for your DH to have the day off and cancel your friend.
Then when the day comes, casually drop in conversation that she’s not coming…
And then tell dh to go fuck himself!

Be a bit of a boring affair if she only visits once a year, you said you holidays with them so surely your all friends
Did you not comment to your dh last time she visited if you felt uncomfortable ? Surely you address it there and then
You cut her off and then still see her a mutual places what are you going to say

If my OH said I was banned from seeing one of his friends I would think he was being overly controlling.

I am torn on this one, and I can see how it might come across as that, but on the other hand your friend's behavior - She's supposed to be coming to visit you, yet appears to only be valuing her time with him.

Now you are looking forward to a repeat of the same behaviour and he's increasing the time he can spend with her.

Its not surprising you can't be bothered putting up with this all over again and that is the crux of the matter. Why should you be organising meet-ups where you will be overlooked and ignored whilst DH and friend have a high old time? Why does his continuing the friendship trump the fact that you, the person who has invested time it in and does the organising, are no longer enjoying it? Why should you facilitate their growing friendship when it no longer works for you?

If she's visiting and practically ignoring you to flirt with your husband - she's not a friend, even if she doesn't realise it and its making you feel like crap. I can't see any reason for you to allow her to continue treating you like that, because its clear she doesn't value you.
I think by withdrawing as much as possible from opportunities thatt allow her to continue treating you like this, you are not so much banning him as protecting yourself. Life is hard enough without organising these meet up so that Hubby and Friend can have an ego boost at your expense. As you said, you are likely to see her at mutual friend's events so you are not completely cutting contact, and hopefully with other people around, including her own DH.. it might tone her down a bit.

Drop her. Drop her. Drop her. And slap your husband in the back of his head. But seriously talk to him and ask what the hell is going on.