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Original poster

Husband wants to take time off to meet my friend.....it this reasonable?

307 replies

Suzi69 · 29/09/2022 14:22

Me and my husband have a couple of what I thought were really good old friends. We've been on holiday with them and their kids when the children were younger, and all enjoyed it.
Last holiday though, pre-covid, I wasn't so happy as I felt DH was paying my female friend a lot of attention; I felt a little put out and excluded.
Fast forward a few years and my friend comes to stay the night about once a year; she lives about 5 hours from my house but she makes a bit of a detour on the way back from visiting her parents; I think she goes about an hour and a half out of her way.
This was nice the first couple of times she did it but I noticed that she was eager to check if DH was there first; he wasn't as he travels a lot. So last time he was at home and oh my goodness she was extremely pleased to see him; positioned herself so she was only facing him while chatting, thus excluding me, asked very in-depth questions about how he's been the last couple of years; I felt quite uncomfortable about it, it was too personal and I was not really a part of a lot of it.

Now she plans to come again in a couple of months and DH is contemplating taking a days holiday while she's here!
I feel quite angry about this as I feel that any holiday he plans to take should be spent with me and our children. I feel as if he's poaching my friend. I'm also suspicious about the relationship; it's platonic and he obviously gets on with her but is it really reasonable for my husband to take a days vacation to be with my friend? ( and me, admittedly).
I'm a bit uncertain as to whether I should just drop her as a friend; I don't really want to do this as we've been friends for more than then years. But I don't like the way she's behaving.
I'd appreciate your thoughts before I speak to him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Suzi69 · 30/09/2022 03:40

babba2014 · 30/09/2022 03:18

If you have a gut feeling you should follow it but I would be wise about it.
Can you see messages on your husband's phone? I'm not saying pry but it depends on your relationship eg if your husband is fine with you looking. If there is anything untoward then it will confirm your suspicion. Eg if they are texting beyond limits, and you don't know this but go and say to him you dislike her being overly friendly and don't want her to visit, he may resort to their chats and work behind your back.
If they aren't over the top friendly via texting and it's just when she comes to see you, then you know that your DH is being pulled and he's falling for it. You can put a stop to this by telling him how you feel or, I think is a really good suggestion by someone earlier which is to act normal to DH and cancel the visit and if he ever asks, just say you drifted apart.
One thing I've noticed with some women is that they feel they owe years of friendship to the person being disloyal to them by allowing them to come and trash their life just because they're an old friend. No. Friendships change. Overstepping boundaries means putting an end to it. Save yourself the misery.
I'd suggest taking these steps because if there really isn't anything going on then you won't look silly by if there is, you can make a decision to either leave your DH because he is taking you for a mug, work on your relationship and cut off the so called friend, or continue as is with boundaries.

I'm not sure why people call you names for seeing things with clear eyes. Even if eg I had a friend and we socialised as couples, however I talk to my friend all the time but not so much her DH and he came by. No way would be sitting there gushing there and running his fingers through his hair brushing it back and only focusing on me even if he had a catch up with DH earlier. It would be a 3 way conversation to respect everyone in the room, even if it was focused more on me and what I've been getting up to.

You aren't paranoid. It's basic respect. When you turn the tables it looks so odd for a friend's DH to be doing that so why does it give some women a pass to be like that?

Just move on from her and don't make a big deal of it at all. Seems the best way to go.

Also yes it is weird that precious holiday time he wants to use on her. What, for you to sit on the side and be ignored?

If you want peace of mind, find out what is their text/phone contact like? If nothing then the rest is easy. Pretend the friendship has fizzled out and move on. Make plans for when you expect her to be passing by or staying over. Don't allow yourself to be disrespected. Your DH also needs to learn his own boundaries. He should have felt uncomfortable and taken a few steps back and included you in the conversation. If three female friends were meeting up and 2 had spent the day together and talked on the phone all year, it doesn't give a pass to exclude one of them when the third friend with less contact comes along does it? It's as basic as that and nothing to do with your friend being female and your DH a male even. That's just basic respect.

Thank you I completely agree about lack of respect. No one should be ignored for lengthy periods of time; it’s just rude.

I am still struggling with the idea that my friend is not a friend but again agree that relationships change; she has definitely crossed a boundary and it’s very difficult to undo that.

OP posts:
Ottersmith · 30/09/2022 04:25

My partner and I have lots of joint female friends. Some of them get on more with him than they do me. If they get on why does it bother you? Would it make you feel worse if she messaged him to say she was visiting? Some of our female friends do that and I don't mind because he's allowed friends. Either you trust your partner or you don't.

LicoricePizza · 30/09/2022 04:30

I empathise. It’s horrible watching your friend do this & for her to dominate your husband’s attention. It’s quite seductive of her & boundary crossing big time.

The thing is (& this isn’t giving them a pass on it) but men can be so oblivious to it (or claim to be & will then call you the jealous/mad/unreasonable one aka gaslight you if you say anything. Even if he is largely innocent - but clearly receiving it.

My fear is that by stopping the friendship & requesting him not to continue with it either - it causes them to want to continue with it more - or it prompts her to contact him independently - as it sounds like both will not want it to stop??

Can you talk with your DH? Explain the way she was acting etc - boundaries etc & get him to see?

It would be better if when she stays he then assert very clear boundaries himself of including you in the chat, very clearly not letting her monopolise him, kind of not being so flattered by it basically - but sending back signals that efforts to “seduce” aren’t working & won’t be entertained. I don’t know if you’re tactile with each other but for him (not in a PDA OTT way) to show sone gesture of tactile affection to you (arm round waist while getting something from the table or subtle touch) in front of her - naturally -so as to show her with his body language where his loyalties lie.

But how do you get him to play ball - as he’ll more than likely be completely in denial about it / may claim not to have noticed & /or get defensive or annoyed at your observations - esp if it is innocent on his part (& he just views her as a really close & old friend).

Def don’t think he should be taking time off unless you’re planning an actual activity or event when she’s coming & it’s a social outing.

By having him around in the evening only or after work may only heighten her efforts as she will know she’s only got limited time with him - so may make a bee line for him.

But she will be too flattered I think if she learns he has taken time off for her & she sounds a bit dangerous.

Maybe you could quiz her one to one on the state of her marriage, get deep & personal about her life & find out if she’s secure in her marriage. Every time she asks him something intimate - interject & turn the question back on her? Don’t let her dominate in your own home or lead things.

Horrible however when you have to consciously do power play with someone who is meant to be a friend. Is that really them friendship any more? Wouldn’t be for me.

Or insist her OH come as it’s rude to socialise as a 3 without him?? Call her out jokily & say how much she hogged your DH all pm last time & obvs needs her hubby there too??

Let us know how it goes 🤞

GlassDeli · 30/09/2022 04:39

Or insist her OH come as it’s rude to socialise as a 3 without him??

Good idea. And if she visits without her OH, for every question she asks your DH, jump in and ask the same about her OH.

Carlycat · 30/09/2022 05:13

It's the taking time off work to see her that did it for me 🚩

Itsbadbitchoclockyeahitsthickthirty · 30/09/2022 06:27

WendyWagon · 29/09/2022 15:31

Cancel the visit and tell your DH why. If they are already 'glog banting' you have nothing to lose. Keep your self respect.

Sorry one second…

”Glog banting”?

I HAVE to know what this is. It sounds like the torture of a mythical creature.

alwayslearning789 · 30/09/2022 06:47

Have you spoken to him yet OP?

What did he have to say about it?

You are right to put a stop to it by the way, your boundaries have been disrespected.

Original poster
Suzi69 · 30/09/2022 07:09

GlassDeli · 30/09/2022 04:39

Or insist her OH come as it’s rude to socialise as a 3 without him??

Good idea. And if she visits without her OH, for every question she asks your DH, jump in and ask the same about her OH.

I’d like it if he came; it would diffuse the situation a bit as he’d talk a lot to DH. But he’s usually too busy working to make the trip.
That’s a good plan for the future regarding grilling her husband, although I’d have to make a real effort to pretend to be so interested in him!

OP posts:
Original poster
Suzi69 · 30/09/2022 07:19

LicoricePizza · 30/09/2022 04:30

I empathise. It’s horrible watching your friend do this & for her to dominate your husband’s attention. It’s quite seductive of her & boundary crossing big time.

The thing is (& this isn’t giving them a pass on it) but men can be so oblivious to it (or claim to be & will then call you the jealous/mad/unreasonable one aka gaslight you if you say anything. Even if he is largely innocent - but clearly receiving it.

My fear is that by stopping the friendship & requesting him not to continue with it either - it causes them to want to continue with it more - or it prompts her to contact him independently - as it sounds like both will not want it to stop??

Can you talk with your DH? Explain the way she was acting etc - boundaries etc & get him to see?

It would be better if when she stays he then assert very clear boundaries himself of including you in the chat, very clearly not letting her monopolise him, kind of not being so flattered by it basically - but sending back signals that efforts to “seduce” aren’t working & won’t be entertained. I don’t know if you’re tactile with each other but for him (not in a PDA OTT way) to show sone gesture of tactile affection to you (arm round waist while getting something from the table or subtle touch) in front of her - naturally -so as to show her with his body language where his loyalties lie.

But how do you get him to play ball - as he’ll more than likely be completely in denial about it / may claim not to have noticed & /or get defensive or annoyed at your observations - esp if it is innocent on his part (& he just views her as a really close & old friend).

Def don’t think he should be taking time off unless you’re planning an actual activity or event when she’s coming & it’s a social outing.

By having him around in the evening only or after work may only heighten her efforts as she will know she’s only got limited time with him - so may make a bee line for him.

But she will be too flattered I think if she learns he has taken time off for her & she sounds a bit dangerous.

Maybe you could quiz her one to one on the state of her marriage, get deep & personal about her life & find out if she’s secure in her marriage. Every time she asks him something intimate - interject & turn the question back on her? Don’t let her dominate in your own home or lead things.

Horrible however when you have to consciously do power play with someone who is meant to be a friend. Is that really them friendship any more? Wouldn’t be for me.

Or insist her OH come as it’s rude to socialise as a 3 without him?? Call her out jokily & say how much she hogged your DH all pm last time & obvs needs her hubby there too??

Let us know how it goes 🤞

Yes exactly she does make a bee line for him because she has limited time and does then monopolize him, resulting in very intense one to one conversations.

I feel at best she’s very rude and at worst she’s dangerous and is potentially a threat to my marriage. I haven’t had this situation before.

I fully intend to point her behavior out to him and it’s a good idea to ask him to make it clear he’s not interested. Wish I didn’t have to do this; power games in my own house.

OP posts:
SacredDeer · 30/09/2022 07:31

The whole dynamic is causing you stress and it's obviously getting to you as you've posted on here

She certainly is NO friend at all, I wouldn't even worry about losing the friendship as this woman is lacking morals and so I'd your husband tbh. If you're with someone you don't go flirting or behaving like that especially in front of the person you love.

SacredDeer · 30/09/2022 07:35

Without the flirting etc, even the fact your partner and this 'friend' feel it's acceptable to sit and chat as if you aren't there and exclude you is damn right bloody disrespectful in your in itself. Nip it in the bud.

cravattwat · 30/09/2022 07:45

I don't think you're wrong for being suspicious because she does seem to be flirting with him and of course he's lapping it up.

But I do think that your view on friendships and your idea that you're happy with your husband and kids and aren't really bothered about anything outside of that is maybe clouding your view a little. It's ok to be close to people outside of your marriage, it's ok for men and women to be friends. If you find this odd then you are going to be more sensitive to any interaction between them beyond general chit chat.

My husband is lovely and my friends really like him. Because they don't see him as much as they see me and don't have the WhatsApp/Facebook communication with him, they do make more of an effort when they see him and I think that's really nice.

The way you've described your friend's body language does sound flirty but actually her questions and showing an interest don't sound odd to me.

I also don't understand why you haven't ever mentioned this to your husband before and why you didn't respond when he said he was taking the day off. Surely a natural response would be 'why the hell would you do that?' and see his reaction.

I'm really torn here and I think you need to talk to your husband before you make decisions about ending a long friendship.

However, I have also had a 'friend' sleep with someone I'm seeing so I'm not totally naive here and know the potential for at least an emotional affair.

Goldenbear · 30/09/2022 07:51

I can see that you feel disrespected but does your DH have no agency over himself- is he actively flirting or reacting to her if the former isn't that the issue. I know someone where the wife was the friend first but the friend in this scenario is quite flirty with all men, hard to explain but kind of gushing. She does it to DH, hardly knows him but we have been at mutual friends social meet ups/barbecues, Christmas events and she is always like it. I don't care as she is not DH's type and he wouldn't respond as finds it all too much but he does notice the whole behaviour and steps back. My friend's husband on the other hand goes to Gigs with her as they like the same music. My friend doesn't like her as much as she did but she trusts her husband and is confident he wouldn't respond. Ie he has free choice, I think personally I would not want to look like the victim here, almost by bringing it up you are elevating her magnetism in your own home! Although appreciate that does sound a bit game playing. The way I see my marriage is that I am not a gatekeeper for DH's trust so if his eyes are wondering then leave us marriage. My Dad had loads affairs and I have never wanted to be the one who is the victim in this scenario so probably my position is biased in that way.

Goldenbear · 30/09/2022 07:55

I would say though where I live the extra martial stuff with friends, school gate parents having affairs, even affairs with neighbours happens quite a bit. It is definitely not a figment of imagination sometimes.

Goldenbear · 30/09/2022 08:03

Marital not martial 😄

Original poster
Suzi69 · 30/09/2022 08:27

Thanks to everyone who has given their thoughts. I’m genuinely very grateful that so many have tried to understand the situation and comment.

This has helped me clarify my thoughts; before I just felt angry when I thought about it but now I feel calm and rational; I know precisely what I think, why I’m not happy and have lots of examples to give.
I won’t post an update but I’m about to talk to DH and make it clear the day off isn’t happening and my friend won’t be coming on this occasion. And next time he sees her I expect to be included in all conversations and will stay close to him. I think it’s more difficult to come onto someone if their partner is by their side.

Thanks again.

OP posts:
Beepbeepenergy · 30/09/2022 09:36

How do you truly know nothing has happened between them ? also I feel if they were alone together something WOULD happen

Delatron · 30/09/2022 10:05

If they see each other less than once a year whatever thing they may have for each other will burn out anyway. I think you’re doing the right thing OP.

AryaStarkWolf · 30/09/2022 10:07

Suzi69 · 29/09/2022 22:08

This is exactly right; me and DH have been friends with my friend and her DH for many years and everything was great until relatively recently when the relationship between DH and my friend somehow changed to be one which I'm not comfortable with.
Me and DH often socialise in mixed groups, men and women, and yes that's completely civilized and feels normal. This is different. The body language and level of interest coming from my friend is not something I've really seen before and goes beyond what I'd consider a normal friendship.

Show quote history

People are glossing over the fact that you've said something had changed in the way they are with each other in recent years, of course as his wife you're going to pick up on that. That's something that can't really be explained on a thread, how they speak to each other, look at each other, body language etc

Delatron · 30/09/2022 10:20

I think people get so focused on the men and women can be friends debate that it clouds individual situations that are far more nuanced.

Of course men and women can be friends. But by the same measure of course many men and women have affairs when they are married. So if behaviour changes; such as spending hours talking to each other exclusively whilst shutting you out. Taking a day’s annual leave to spend time with her which is unusual for him. Of course you have to question it. The OP was there and she knows her husband. Follow your gut instinct is a good guide here.

That does not mean men and women can’t be friends but in some situations it goes beyond that.

OneTC · 30/09/2022 11:00

What obstacle do you envision to them starting to talk considering they've been friends for years?

LizCrust · 30/09/2022 12:10

To all those saying to OP that she should stop being so controlling, it can happen.

Headline news this story on the Daily Fail - it DOES happen so she is right to nip this in the bud, though it would appear it's already too late.

Again OP I'd warn you against bringing this up in person with your DH. If there's a flame burning already you'll only fan it by taking her presence away - in my humble opinion... the two seem quite connected already. Allow it to fizzle out through supposed inertia and he will never know what he is missing.

Forbidden fruit is far more interesting...

www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-11265737/Heartbroken-Fern-Britton-dumbstruck-ex-husband-Phil-Vickery-seen-kissing-best-friend.html

Mildura · 30/09/2022 13:44

Itsbadbitchoclockyeahitsthickthirty · 30/09/2022 06:27

Sorry one second…

”Glog banting”?

I HAVE to know what this is. It sounds like the torture of a mythical creature.

Show quote history

How can we still not have an explanation for what 'glog banting' is?

Google is no help!

MsDogLady · 30/09/2022 14:44

Suzi, I hope you had a productive talk.

Their dynamic changed along the way and he has opened himself up to her ego massages, as demonstrated by his going along with blanking you and now intending to take the day off just for her.

You’re wise to address their behavior and how you feel about it. He’s on a slippery slope, and hopefully he’ll now take steps to protect his fidelity.

SleeplessInEngland · 30/09/2022 14:51

Glad you stopped your husband having a female friend, OP. You're right to not trust the person you married. Men and women just shouldn't be friends, and that's all there is to it.