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Original poster

I cant cope with my husbands diabetes anymore

191 replies

ThisShitsBananas · 29/09/2022 13:58

My husband is type 1 diabetic and he doesn't manage it well, which has such a huge effect on my life, an after endless arguments about it I've just had enough. When his blood sugars are really low he can't function which means I don't get any help. His sugars are low in the mornings and currently he is struggling to raise them. He saw a nurse a few days ago who has changed his prescription to see if a different insulin may help.
This morning I slipped and fell and got my leg stuck under my car as I couldn't move. I was holding our baby at the time who was now lying in a patch of wet grass screaming and I was in shock as I thought I had broken my ankle. My eldest went to fetch him and he came down and just stood there staring us. I had to ask him to pick the baby up and then had to get myself up and crawl up the stairs to the house.

He then had a full hypo in the kitchen so I had to look after him while also trying to sort the kids out and I could barely stand.

I know I'm over reacting as he can't help it but I just feel so fed with it. It's always when I need him, these hypos happen. I feel like i can't ever be ill or injured just incase. No real point to this post other than to moan as I dont have anyone in real life to talk to.

OP posts:
Herejustforthisone · 29/09/2022 18:49

He is not only a pathetic man child, he is utterly, utterly selfish.

I would be so tempted to yell at him, ‘manage your diabetes you useless twat. I’m not your fucking mother.’

He’s a total burden.

ImEasyLikeSundayMorning · 29/09/2022 18:52

My husband and I were in a similar position, I saw it as selfishness.

In the end we had couples counselling which really helped us narrow down his reluctance to take medication for an issue that had a profound effect on the whole family.

it helped immeasurably and I really recommend this.

moksorineouimoksori · 29/09/2022 18:53

I am very sympathetic to you OP.

Type 1 Diabetes CAN be managed VERY WELL in many cases but unfortunately it's a difficult, psychologically challenging, incurable illness and can certainly get the better of people. When was your husband diagnosed?

Does he need crisis help?

You need your husband to manage his diabetes as well as possible, or you are not going to cope.

IVbumble · 29/09/2022 18:54

MytummydontjigglejiggleItfolds · 29/09/2022 16:16

Hi OP,

It's ok to rant. Some thoughts I have - he sounds really conflicted. He is obviously half committed to life - to you and your family and your children, but half keeping one foot out the door - with the self neglect (I think you've named it entirely correctly) and the apathy and hopelessness around his diabetes.
Like it would be worse for him if he tried to keep his diabetes at bay and still failed. It's as if there is a nihilism there. Which is quite a teenage reaction and makes sense with what you said about age of diagnosis and what he took from what the doctor said.
I assume the message was meant to be 'if you don't manage it it can be fatal quickly' not 'theres nothing you can do you're going to die young'. It would be interesting to know what the lasting impression of the information surrounding his diagnosis is.
Hopelessness? Futility? That life is precarious? That there's no point trying? His body has/will fail him so he doesn't want to care for it?
Diabetes has its own very specific psychological shadow.
The drinking is just stupid and stoppable. I know it probably stems from the same 'fuck it' place but it's an obvious area he could make changes to show what you are saying matters to him.
Because when you are part of a team/family, self neglect just becomes neglect of those around you. I'm not surprised you are crying on the sofa. You and your baby's needs are being neglected, because he's not just an island he can burn down if he wants to, you're all connected.
His pancreas doesn't make insulin. This should not be a death sentence for him or your relationship or your family.
Type 1 diabetics can really hurt your heart. It can become just outright self-harm at some point. And (I'm a HCP) sometimes you know you're not going to be able to bring them back next time.
Every hypo, every DKA is an injury to the brain. I think the long-termness of diabetes can make denial a bit easier - you might lose your sight, your limbs etc etc at some distant point in the future, when you're older, if you have poor control so there's all this room for pretending what you do now doesn't really matter. Or it had happened and it's all too late anyway.
And the other end of the scale is - well if I don't wake up from a hypo it won't actually be me having to deal with consequences, because I'll be dead.
As a HCP I think the first step is to somehow protect his body and as he can't be trusted to do it, in a way that requires the least input from him. Take it out of his hands. CGM, whatever it takes. It will obviously still require his input but I just mean it needs to be black and white, numbers = plan/action. It will lighten the cognitive load, protect his organs and possibly ease your burden too.
After the physical stuff is as controlled as can be, it's the psychological stuff that needs a deep dive. I honestly think he needs to know if he doesn't do this work he won't have a marriage.
But if he's hypoing every morning and hypering every evening, this is going to affect the ability of his brain to actually function, to make decisions, to face change and problem solve and reflect etc.
A hypo isn't just a woops - it's brain damage. And it sounds like it's every day at the moment. And you got such a shock today because it was so stark that it can also damage the safety of your family if he can't be responsible and helpful.
I think this needs to be crunch time. He can't call you up and pretend what happened this morning isn't a big deal.
Thoughts with you both OP xx

This is great advice.

Rosscameasdoody · 29/09/2022 18:55

SVRT19674 · 29/09/2022 14:08

Hey @WhenDovesFly , are the problems with his back something to do with diabetes? My husband is having diabetes investigated right now and he has these weird pains in his back and he isnt injured nor is he a bad back person. He is getting a bit desperate over it actually.

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Diabetes can affect the kidneys and can impair function/cause renal failure if its not treated and properly monitored - the back pain may be caused by kidney problems so important to get it checked out.

Snowberry3 · 29/09/2022 19:10

Probably too late in the day but counselling for his negative mindset and maybe anti depressant to improve his mood and help him keep off the alcohol.

sunshinestar1986 · 29/09/2022 19:13

Sorry about that op
My brother has type 1 and he didn't used to manage it well which resulted in frequent hypos but now that he's taking his health seriously, we can't remember the last time he had one.
He definitely needs to take responsibility for his health!

GoneBeserk · 29/09/2022 19:14

I feel so sorry for you. It isn’t just the practical impact of him not managing his diabetes, it’s the emotional/mental load and the fact he has left you to take responsibility for not just his welfare but also his very survival - without you he’d be dead. That is a terrible burden for you to carry day in, day out without him making any recognition of the things he could do to lighten that load for you. it’s all very well for him to say he loves you, but that’s empty words if he won’t do anything to help himself.

Can he join a diabetes support group, and/or get some therapy? Also can he look into getting treatment for his depression?

I think I’d be having an “I’m done unless you agree to start taking responsibility- I’m not your mother, I didn’t sign up to be your mother I’d signed up to be your wife and you are exploiting the fact that I love and care for you. It’s not helping you, and it’s not helping me, and our baby shouldn’t be growing up in a household that is this dysfunctional; we need to sort it out, before you break my heart or lose me altogether .”

Original poster
ThisShitsBananas · 29/09/2022 19:18

Honestly we’ve had all these conversations time and time again.

OP posts:
Calandor · 29/09/2022 19:27

I understand what you're feeling. Your partner, the other adult half of your couple can't help you and your children when you're in need/ in pain/ need to be rescued a bit. It can make you feel really sad and unloved and put upon.

But If it's because his meds are wrong it's also unfair to be raging at him. Totally fine to be sad and feel a bit alone though.

TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination · 29/09/2022 19:43

Nocutenamesleft · 29/09/2022 16:29

That’s really unfair

some people do everything possible and it’s still not wel managed. Those types of people do wel with the pump. Which delivers the medicine normally

my friends daughter is a type 1 diabetic. She struggles WITH the pump even to control her sugars. It’s something so incredibly difficult to manage. Have you ever carb counted? Have you ever had a bug which meant you nearly died? It’s not fair to blame him for something well out of his control.

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@Nocutenamesleft

you need to read what @bloodywhitecat actually wrote, not what you imagine she wrote.

if any one knows what's fair/not fair it's her!!

Nocutenamesleft · 29/09/2022 19:45

TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination · 29/09/2022 19:43

@Nocutenamesleft

you need to read what @bloodywhitecat actually wrote, not what you imagine she wrote.

if any one knows what's fair/not fair it's her!!

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Why would bloody white cat know?!? She’s not the OP.

TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination · 29/09/2022 20:05

Nocutenamesleft · 29/09/2022 19:45

Why would bloody white cat know?!? She’s not the OP.

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@Nocutenamesleft

WHAT?

that makes NO sense. YOU accused bloodywhitecat of being unfair! I said SHE was not being unfair and you needed to read what she wrote.

none of this has anything to do with the OP being fair or unfair!

Nocutenamesleft · 29/09/2022 20:06

TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination · 29/09/2022 20:05

@Nocutenamesleft

WHAT?

that makes NO sense. YOU accused bloodywhitecat of being unfair! I said SHE was not being unfair and you needed to read what she wrote.

none of this has anything to do with the OP being fair or unfair!

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What on earth are you on about?

right. You go into your world. I’ll leave you to it!

ta chick! 😂😂😂😂😂

thing47 · 29/09/2022 22:38

Interesting how posts from people with direct experience of T1 themselves are noticeably more empathetic and understanding than the ones from people who do not… For all those who are 'furious' at his behaviour when OP had a fall, can I just say that when you are in the throes of a hypo you aren't capable of helping yourself, let alone anyone else. It's not him being shitty, he just can't. T1 is considered a disability by the 2010 Equality Act, this is partly why.

The answer, of course, is not to get that low in the first place, but even with your best efforts it will still happen occasionally.

That said the OP's DH should be taking more control of his condition – he needs to eat for a start. There's nothing wrong with drinking, but it will drop his sugars later so he needs food as well. If he really can't bring himself to eat, he needs to reduce the amount of insulin he is taking, it's all a bit of a juggling act, and a constant one. I agree with pp suggesting that if he is really doing nothing to help himself, I would be worried about his mental state as he must feel awful lurching from lows to highs and back again.

Sympathy @ThisShitsBananas , it must be hard, but sympathy too to your DH who is clearly struggling and needs help. Let's hope he accepts some.

madasawethen · 30/09/2022 02:43

BlodynGwyn · 29/09/2022 16:11

The LTB culture on mums net is disgusting.

Maybe you don't realise that by the time someone has the courage to post here, the issue is not something trivial.

Other forums may advise to communicate and continue to grind yourself down into the ground to accomodate a difficult man.

I consider that culture the disgusting one.

madasawethen · 30/09/2022 02:58

OP you haven't separated from him yet. You never know that may light the fire under his bum to take care of himself and possibly save his life.

Right now he can continue in a downward spiral as he knows you'll still be there. Do you think there might be some codependency in the mix after all these years together?

You're a nurse so you know what is required.
You could give the ultimatum that he has to do x, y, and z by date in order to get back together.

psychologist to help with what that doctor told him, self-esteem, possible eating disorder, etc.

Just some suggestions to think about. Flowers

Kennykenkencat · 30/09/2022 03:31

My Dh has type 1 diabetes and at least once per year we end up in A&E because of ketones.

I see the hypos coming. I can see it in his eyes. I warn him. He doesn’t do anything about it and carries on regardless.
He gets annoyed because I am nagging him about his condition.

After 26 years I am so done with it all.

I think the doctors and nurses think I must be a right bitch because I don’t join in with the worry that his ketone levels

I am past caring.

If he doesn’t want to look after himself then he needs to deal with the consequences

LateAF · 30/09/2022 05:46

ThisShitsBananas · 29/09/2022 19:18

Honestly we’ve had all these conversations time and time again.

I feel like he knows you don’t mean it though. You need to follow through.

The problem is he probably thinks that if he carries on the way he is, he’ll drop dead at some point and no harm done. The reality is, he is more likely to die in old age after a long struggle with diabetes complication such as blindness, kidney failure, loss of limbs. A painful agonising death that will impair the last 25 years of his and his family’s life. Any plans you may have had for retirement such as travel or helping out the grandchildren or taking up a sport- he may as well forget. You will be his carer and he will be very ill with no quality of life. It’s not quite as easy as dropping dead unfortunately (although I imagine with his lack of effort to control the constant hypos - that’s what he wants). And if he does one day have a hypo that is very serious, it might just leave him brain damaged and unable to work rather than dead.

You both have a choice (albeit it difficult one) to make - this is the future you face. You are not his mother, you are not him- it is not your responsibility to keep him alive or healthy as tough as that may be to accept. The next ultimatum you give, you need to mean it, and make steps towards divorcing if you don’t see an improvement. I think your husband would benefit from solo counselling and you both would benefit from couples counselling as a priority.

As a mother of a child with T1 this thread is terrifying but I hope I can give my child the emotional tools to want to manage their diabetes when they are an adult.

PatriciaPattersonGimlin · 30/09/2022 07:47

You need to actually leave now. It might be the thing that he needs to take control.

My DH has a lifelong health condition that needs constant monitoring. At first, when he was ill, I took control of all the readings, charts etc. but as he improved, I showed him how to do it and now he is very much his own science project.

The relief when he took it over from me! I can't imagine having to take responsibility for another person's health condition long term. The responsibility will grind your love to dust and besides, it's just sheer fucking laziness.

Follow through. Leave him. If he gets control, takes control and gets better you can re-assess if you wish but for now - put your own oxygen mask on first eh?

Original poster
ThisShitsBananas · 30/09/2022 08:05

So he didn’t have any alcohol last night and his sugars were still in the 2’s this morning 😩

OP posts:
Reshana3h · 30/09/2022 08:10

ThisShitsBananas · 30/09/2022 08:05

So he didn’t have any alcohol last night and his sugars were still in the 2’s this morning 😩

Fuck. What does he take when his blood sugars are this low? my DS is going through something very similar just now, low readings in the morning. It's new but it's resistant to change and frustrating!

Original poster
ThisShitsBananas · 30/09/2022 08:11

He has a box of chocolates and sweets next to the bed. But this is what his sugars are like every morning.

OP posts:
BrendaBlessed · 30/09/2022 08:20

If they are that low every morning I would say his basal insulin is too high. Does he ever adjust his dose?

Original poster
ThisShitsBananas · 30/09/2022 08:28

He’s got it at a very low dose. He said he knows this sounds stupid but it’s almost like he doesn’t have diabetes anymore and the insulin is just making everything worse. He went to bed the other night without any at all and his sugars were 5 which is great! I think this is why the nurse has changed the brand to see if that makes a difference.

OP posts: