I cant cope with my husbands diabetes anymore

[ThisShitsBananas]

My husband is type 1 diabetic and he doesn't manage it well, which has such a huge effect on my life, an after endless arguments about it I've just had enough. When his blood sugars are really low he can't function which means I don't get any help. His sugars are low in the mornings and currently he is struggling to raise them. He saw a nurse a few days ago who has changed his prescription to see if a different insulin may help.
This morning I slipped and fell and got my leg stuck under my car as I couldn't move. I was holding our baby at the time who was now lying in a patch of wet grass screaming and I was in shock as I thought I had broken my ankle. My eldest went to fetch him and he came down and just stood there staring us. I had to ask him to pick the baby up and then had to get myself up and crawl up the stairs to the house.

He then had a full hypo in the kitchen so I had to look after him while also trying to sort the kids out and I could barely stand.

I know I'm over reacting as he can't help it but I just feel so fed with it. It's always when I need him, these hypos happen. I feel like i can't ever be ill or injured just incase. No real point to this post other than to moan as I dont have anyone in real life to talk to.

Hi @ThisShitsBananas ,

I have not read the full thread so I am sorry if I am repeating what other posters have said.

I am a Type 1 and have been since I was 4 (I am now 47.) I am lucky enough not to have had many severe issues (I can count them on one hand) and have no complications as yet. However, while I am more sensible now, when I was a teen I didn't care as much. It was a lot easier to lie re testing in those days (if you licked the strip it gave a reading between 4 and 5!) and I always used to think that, in the future that seemed so crazily far away at 15, if I had issues with myself I'd commit suicide. This is obviously ridiculous, and I wasn't depressed I just didn't want to have to juggle the diabetic thing all the time or risk consequences. None of my friends did, so why me!

Now there is a lot more technology, and while the Libre is good in theory it's also, in my experience, not very reliable. I do occasionally get upset when I am NOT hungry but still have to eat, things like losing weight is far more complicated with Type 1, and even though it's more relevant to Type 2 than one, there is a stigma with 'being diabetic.'

I fully agree that your husband needs to step up and sort himself out, but I can also imagine how pissed off he is to be lumbered with this crappy condition (I can't bring myself to say 'disease'!) that has to be managed 24/7. In my lower moments, which aren't very often, I think how amazing it must be to just go to bed, or pop out without having to test or take supplies. Go abroad spontaneously without having to take medication, back up medication, and info on the bloody medication along with extra insurance. If I get an infection, or even when I got frozen shoulder, I am told 'well, you are diabetic so these things are worse' - and it really does grind you down. I need to lose weight (lockdown weight!) and it's so much harder. Going for a run is great, but I need to get my sugar up first so adds both calories and complications - it's like that with everything.

What I am trying to say is, and you probably know this anyway, is that it's easier to not care or pretend you don't, than it is to seriously manage a condition that effects every single thing you do. (I remember when I had a pump for a while being told that 'you can take it off during intimate moments, but not for more than an hour'. I laughed at the time, but it actually made me feel as sexy as a bowl of rotting fruit.)

I don't know what the solution might be other than counselling, but I suspect that is few and far between. Maybe it would even kick him up the arse if something did happen that was so serious that it jolted him into trying to sort it out? I don't know but I hope he, and you, manage to get over this sooner rather than later! x

to just making OP's life hell, but also potentially physically endangering their children - and certainly affecting their mental and emotional health.

Yes it is a horrible disease to suffer from, but it's up to the patient to manage they're blood sugar levels. His wife can't do that for him. He's making her life miserable by not taking control of his illness.

If he can't be bothered to try and stay on top of managing it then fuck that.

Hi, I have been type 1 since I was young so about 25 years. I have been with my husband for along time and for a period I wasn’t managing blood sugars very well and was having a lot of lows and it caused real issues in our relationship as he was worried about me and frustrated etc. I pulled my socks up and now have great control and life is much better. He need to take responsibility.

Ultimately, this is a mathematical equation he needs to get on top of. Grams of carbs = ml of insulin. Increase x carbs for x minutes of exercise. Etc etc.

If you are in the UK, get onto the diabetic nurse and get a continuous glucose monitor. He can attend some really useful free training courses on carbs and insulin management aswell.

Alcohol can make lows even worse as your liver stops secreting sugar as it is dealing with the alcohol. I drink and it’s fine to do so as long as you are on top of the implications.

Anyway sorry for the long post but he needs to get on top of it for his own sake as well as yours.

That’s really unfair

some people do everything possible and it’s still not wel managed. Those types of people do wel with the pump. Which delivers the medicine normally

my friends daughter is a type 1 diabetic. She struggles WITH the pump even to control her sugars. It’s something so incredibly difficult to manage. Have you ever carb counted? Have you ever had a bug which meant you nearly died? It’s not fair to blame him for something well out of his control.

I’m not going to see him now until tomorrow which is probably a good thing as I need time to cool off. I just don’t know what to do anymore. If he has a drink when he comes home from work I’m going to lose my shit.

Just read your update. It changed my mind. Okay, so he's useless because he doesn't eat all day, and drinks alot of alcohol in the evenings. So he clearly isn't managing her diabetes, is he?! I'd leave him. What a waste of space.

I think it does sound me me me but about the husband rather than the OP. It does seem super convenient that the minute she needs him, he reports feeling unwell and then the focus has to switch to him. Then she can't be unwell or upset, as she has to swoop into save the day.

He needs to step up. It sounds like they have at least 2 young children but he doesn't seem to be taking that seriously or managing a chronic condition properly.

And he doesn't even have a job and contribute to the family home.

He has a job.

He is taking the piss.

There are several aspects to marriage vows. There's love, honor, and respect, and the 'sickness and health' bit.

When you commit to someone for life you commit to looking after yourself for the sake of the other person, so the other person doesn't end up being mum or dad or unpaid nursemaid to their own spouse That is what loving, honoring, and respecting entails.

It is sad. He's not a good father if he's going to leave his children without one. If he can't even sort himself out for the sake of them, then I don't know what else can be done. You're going to have to protect them. You don't want them to find him dead one morning either.

Passing through very quickly to 1) offer virtual hugs and 2) wholeheartedly recommend pushing for a Dexcom CGM for your OH and 3) fully empathise with your both! My DD has Type 1 - it's a complex, ever-changing beast that takes it's toll on all of us. Folks whose lives haven't been touched by T1 don't fully understand this - nor the multitude of different factors that can affect blood glucose or what it takes to 'properly manage' the condition. The emotional impact can also be huge - and can end up in a circular spiral of blame, shame and guilt (not helped by people's willingness to offer snippets of endless diabetes 'wisdom'!).

The technology my DD has makes a huge difference for us - her Dexcom CGM sensor alarms for highs and lows (and 'shares' data via a phone app so we can also keep an eye on her levels when she's not here and help her pre-empt hypos/hypers) and her almost closed-loop pump (the Tandem T Slim) will respond to sensor readings to reduce insulin when she's heading low and correct when she's heading high. Someone else posted about the changes to the NICE guidelines and, when you both have the energy, I'd defo have a look and raise it with his DSN (I'm only familiar with the paediatric guidance - she's fully funded for both pump and CGMS, after an early period of self-funding of sensors and a bit of a push of the Health Board!).

If he's having patterns of morning hypos, then maybe something in the short term like reducing his night-time basal insulin or having a snack when he drinks will help in the interim (if he's not amenable to stopping the drinking). It sounds like he had a horrible experience when he was diagnosed and that probably hasn't helped him cope emotionally - what an awful way for a medical professional to talk to a child - he shouldn't feel shame around a diagnosis he had absolutely no part in.

Anyway, just to say, moan away! It's rough - and lots of us understand the struggle that both of you have - it's a heavy load at the best of times. Not sure if there's anything local to you, but something else that's helped us loads is connecting with other families with Type 1 from our local support group - the value of a cuppa and a good offload with people who get it is such a lot, for the kids with T1 and their caregivers. Sending hugs - hopefully today is the first step in a positive direction and maybe a bit of a wake up call for him on how hard it is for you also x

ThisShitsBananas I am so sorry for you. Both of you need help and support. Have you asked for help from family and friends?
He is at the bottom of the barrell with drinking. He has clearly lost control and in locked in deep depression. This is bring you down.
Please don't give up in the depths of despair! Relationships hit an all time low and this is when it tests your love for him.
I am aware that men are reluctant to talk because they feel ashamed. This organistion might give advice and help- andysmanclub.co.uk/

He is not in the position to "sort himself out". You both need to seek help and support from friends, family, medical NHS and groups like andysmanclub.co.uk/

If you see the OP's updates clearly being selfish, immature and refusing to take full responsibility for his own health.
I don't blame you for feeling this way OP. I think I'd be laying out some ground rules and reconsider the relationship if nothing changed. If he doesn't respect you enough to look after himself, he doesn't care about the relationship.

Banana2079 And talk with him and hear out his feelings too, maybe you are being needy with him

Are you for real?

Yeah, sure. Maybe the OP could hear his feelings out while she's lying on the wet grass in agony after a fall trying to manage a baby.

Jesus.

Hi - he's had back problems for years so I'm not sure it's diabetes related, just something alongside it. The rib problem is new though. Some of the lower 'floater' ribs (that aren't joined to the sternum) keep getting out of place and have to be manipulated back. Causes him a lot of pain and we're unsure why it's happening.

I’m sorry OP this all sounds incredibly hard. I don’t think YABU at all. It sounds like there is a lot going on in this situation and it must be unbelievably frustrating that your husband isn’t really trying to manage his diabetes and won’t engage with you about why.

It sounds very much like he's managed it so poorly over the years that he feels there's very little point in starting to now as the damage is done.

But that's not the case.
The better he feels in himself the more likely he is to manage it well. He must feel rubbish.
He needs to break the cycle.
I did a really good living with type 1 IAPT course that (was full of rather angry men who still harked on about the day of their diagnosis when they were 6 & hadn't come to terms with it)But it was really good! Their anger seemed to dissipate over the 6 week course. None of them particularly wanted to be there, myself included.
Not sure if anything similar is available in your area?

Diabetes is a chronic relentless condition that can burn you out. It is known to be a contributory factor in depression. Your husband needs help.

He also needs a good talking to. Maybe tackle this from the needs of you and your child, ie. your child wants an active father figure who will be there and you need a supportive husband. Be supportive and empathic to his condition but at the same time, make him aware that he needs to take control of his condition to the best of his ability, ie. drinking before bed with no food is destructive
(and is why i think he is depressed/burnt out).
Tell him bluntly to start managing his condition and abiding by type 1 guidance and seeking diabetic nurse support, and that you will support him as much as is possible without have to pick up unnecessary pieces. Diabetes can throw curveballs but they should not be every day.
If he does not change his behaviour/attitude to his care, you have decisions to make on how much you are willing to tolerate.
However I strongly urge you to consider getting him some help. It really sounds like he is depressed/given up. Type 1 Diabetes is a 24 7 never ending rollercoaster with no days off.

I'd like to point out that someone with Type 1 diabetes can still be a selfish cock

Sure. Poor sod has to live with it though. God only knows how type 1s manage. I break my heart over it daily and it's not me that's actually living it.

The assumptions that it's just about 'getting it under control' don't help at all. It's really not that easy.
It is relentless.
It is exhausting.

CGMs are certainly not free on the NHS (they absolutely should be prescribed as per NICE guidelines). I have complained to my CCG and they have said they are undertaking consultation with stakeholders regarding the guidelines - so that’ll be years then - until then they won’t be prescribing.

My 12 year old DS was diagnosed with Type 1 last month and I’m having to pay £159 a month for a Dexcom G6. I dread to think how many hypos he would have had without it especially after hanging out with friends after school as he starts to drop massively when he gets home. We can see when he’s starting to drop so we can treat it before he gets into a hypo. We also can see his patterns. It’s an amazing piece of kit and absolutely essential.

This thread is terrible to read. How old is your DH OP? I dread DS ending up like this. I can imagine depression is a major factor (drinking, no appetite).

How would you feel about the situation if it were your daughter or your sister in your shoes? It's wonderful that you love each other but is this is clearly not the day to day family life you want. You want him to sit down and have his meals with you and the children, and not drin every night. And look after himself so he doesn't end up going blind or having his leg chopped off. Sorry, that sounds brutal but I'm not saying anything you haven't thought of. In a way, your ultimatums are making things worse because you don't follow through so he's learnt that it's OK if he fails.
I understand you don't want to leave him and you just want a rant, but after the rant, the issue is still there. It will destroy your marriage whether you want to leave him or not.
Has he always been like this within your marriage, or did it get worse as his depression at work increased?