I cant cope with my husbands diabetes anymore

[ThisShitsBananas]

My husband is type 1 diabetic and he doesn't manage it well, which has such a huge effect on my life, an after endless arguments about it I've just had enough. When his blood sugars are really low he can't function which means I don't get any help. His sugars are low in the mornings and currently he is struggling to raise them. He saw a nurse a few days ago who has changed his prescription to see if a different insulin may help.
This morning I slipped and fell and got my leg stuck under my car as I couldn't move. I was holding our baby at the time who was now lying in a patch of wet grass screaming and I was in shock as I thought I had broken my ankle. My eldest went to fetch him and he came down and just stood there staring us. I had to ask him to pick the baby up and then had to get myself up and crawl up the stairs to the house.

He then had a full hypo in the kitchen so I had to look after him while also trying to sort the kids out and I could barely stand.

I know I'm over reacting as he can't help it but I just feel so fed with it. It's always when I need him, these hypos happen. I feel like i can't ever be ill or injured just incase. No real point to this post other than to moan as I dont have anyone in real life to talk to.

Oh I feel for you and know just how you feel . DH has type 1 and recently lost his sight due to his. But he does.do everything he can do to control it pump, libra, obsessed monitoring. Occasionally he doesn't or uses it as an excuse. Has his speclist nurse looked at his mental health. He sounds a like he maybe depressed and struggling to cope. As a partner it's really hard your life runs round them. We had a very frank talk recently that we as a family had been hugely impacted by his sight loss not just him . It was hard to say but he needed to hear it as he was so focused on his needs. Perhaps some tough love is needed. Do not feel guilty it's hard .

I think you have to give him an ultimatum. Not eating and drinking in the evenings has to stop. Maybe he can drink one weekend night when you can manage without him the next day. You can't parent properly nor turn up to work on time so he needs to change.

Op what do you want him to do? Another type 1 diabetic here also on a pump and libre.
for me multiple things can affect my control this includes but not limited too: menstrual cycle (obvs not relevant for your partner), change in weather, being unwell, more/less exercise, sex, stress.
there’s also a link between diabetes and increased incidence of depression. Type 1 diabetes is not a case of just taking your medication at the right time and eating the right amount of the right food. So many things can influence.
fortunately technology has improved the quality of my life (libre/pumps etc). However, today my technology has failed. I’m now back to finger prick testing (having had to liaise with the GP practice to agree to an urgent script for glucose monitoring test strips) diabetes is part of me and I try my hardest to not let it control me but to control it. However, there have been periods of my life and will continue to be where I have bad weeks/days. There have been times where I’ve been unwell (reckon i had covid prior to when we were testing), as a lone parent I had to remind my 8 year who has SEN how to ring 999 and what to say if I don’t wake up.
diabetes isn’t fun and it’s not as simple to control as lay people assume. This isn’t meant to be an aggressive response to your OP but trying to give a type 1s perspective to you.
imo it sounds like he would benefit from a pump/libre, however, I’ve no idea where you are and if he could get funding for this. I also wonder about his diet and his daily routine. Also his MH. I also genuinely wonder what you expect him to do and when you mean him helping you what do you mean by this. I’m just trying to gain insight into your situation. Diabetes shouldn’t be an excuse for him to not pull his weight.
I accept I have type 1 DM but it fucking pisses me off at times. No matter how hard I try it still dictates to me if I can go for a run when I want to (if I’m hypo for example).
mall the best

just seen your comment about drinking every night. This will likely account for glycaemic incidences in the morning. I do not drink as it just doesn’t work for me. I think the diabetes isn’t actually the main issue. It’s actually the drinking.

I'm afraid I'd do the following.

Have a chat & layout what you expect and require.

Give him a month to get everything in place CGM, continuous insulin pump, appointments with specialists etc

Explain that if this is not achieved at the end of the 30 day period you'd like him to move out until it is. That he will need to pay for the extra support for you until such time he can do his role in the family.

Very harsh but you are going to end up with a handicapped husband through his own negligence. And then you'll never be able to leave.

He already has a libre monitor. He’s seen the nurse, I AM a nurse, but he won’t do the basic things he needs to do. He’s had surgery in his eyes because he has burst blood vessels. He just doesn’t care anymore and it’s ruining our marriage. I also have a condition that can cause issues for him but I do everything I can to actively manage it as I’m not bloody selfish.

I cross-posted with your update. I struggle with my diabetes so I have sympathy with him to a degree, it's so crap. But he has young children and responsibilities and eating and drinking like that is really unfair on the rest of you. He needs a wake up call and if that doesn't work, then anyone who thinks so little of his family and himself doesn't seem worth staying with, tbh.

@BrendaBlessed not in my NHS Trust. She is changing GO'S at the moment so there's hope it will be free for her there.

My dh is diabetic Type 1 but he certainly doesn't behave this way. He is extremely responsible about his health and keeps on top of it. I think you are justified in feeling very upset if he is doing this because he is not managing it properly

Honestly, I would think about asking him to move out.

You can't be responsible for him like this when he won't even do the basics to help himself.

The alcohol is a major issue causing hypos first thing.

Libre is only flash monitoring- it sounds like he needs CGMS eg Dexcom

This post makes me sad. I feel for both you and him. I have twins who are type one. The girl manages it well and the boy has started to rebel against it causing worry. And your Oh is a adult. A relative split with their partner after he became snappy and just like your partner. He died in his sleep I presume from a hypo bless him. it is worrying for others around.
I heard to eat while drinking alcohol and some drinks not to give insulin for as it makes u go low. I hope he starts to realise the severity of the situation but you need to realise when hypo yo----u can become spaced out like he did. I agree with the ultimatum

Oh. I have personal experience of type 1 so was prepared to be defensive but that sounds really hard for you. He needs to eat regularly, that's really important for type 1s and the drinking will be exacerbating the situation. It sounds like his mental health has taken a real dive. Sorry if I've missed it but is that something that he would be willing to get help with?

www.jdrf.org/t1d-resources/living-with-t1d/mental-health/depression/

You don't have to stay with him. If he's skipping meals and drinking alcohol daily it's only going to get worse. You can't throw your life away on his diabetes if he isn't even doing the minimum.

i see your frustration but it’s coming across as me me me

I don't. I see a sad woman who is worried about her children, watching her life drain away while her husband doesn't do everything in his power to improve their family situation.

And I wrote that ^ before I saw the OP's update.

@talknomore NICE guidelines changed in March this year. No type 1 should be having to pay any more. Check out Partha Kar on Twitter. He is the co lead for diabetes in the NHS and is passionate about this, and will shame trusts who are not complying.

I hope you're ok now, OP, and it's nothing serious.

I think you need to ask him how he thinks he's managing his diabetes and how he thinks it is affecting you, your children and your marriage. And take it from there.

Quite shocked at posters calling OP selfish. They are both parents now and need to make sure they both feel supported.

I think I would need to question why he isn't managing it. Is he depressed? Is it for attention? Or is he just lazy? Why is he not eating?

But YANBU to feel frustrated. I would be too.

Sorry for your situation OP
You sound to have the whole burden here.

Yes - the problem is a drink one.
He can't drink and control his blood sugar.
He hasn't accepted that and you are suffering the consequences.

Only he can change this.

Perhaps he needs to be without support for a while in order to realise this.

I don’t end to leave our marriage as other than this we are very happy. He’s my best friend and I adore him and he adores me and is a great dad. It’s just this self neglect I’m struggling with so much. He thinks by putting everyone else first he’s doing some sort of honourable thing but he doesn’t understand that if he drops dead then he’s no use to anyone. I don’t want to wake up next to a body, or spend our old age caring for him because she’s destroyed himself and gone blind. I’m so so angry with him for not loving himself. I’ve done so many ultimatums and crying and screaming arguments about it.

How is not managing his eating and drinking alcohol every night putting others first?

And standing by doing fuck all while you were on the floor and your baby was screaming on the ground?

Dont feel guilty for naming the issue OP. I can hear you love him but he’s not helping himself or you.

I don’t end to leave our marriage as other than this we are very happy.

I’ve done so many ultimatums and crying and screaming arguments about it.

Well, he's clearly not going to change, so I suppose you'll just have to live with it. Seems like a waste of life to me. He's also not a great dad who adores you if he can't be there for his baby.

If I left him he would just die. I know he would. We are the only good things in his life and I know he’s depressed but he won’t get help for it. I’m hoping when he changes jobs it help significantly but that doesn’t help us right now. I felt so abandoned by him today. Just left there in the grass in the rain. Then when he went to work I was just crying on the sofa and he didn’t even say anything. I know it’s because he feels guilty and doesn’t want o address things but I just feel so unloved sometimes. I spoke to him on the phone earlier and he was all happy and full of “I love you’s” etc because his sugars have gone up now and he’s ok.

I'd like to point out that someone with Type 1 diabetes can still be a selfish cock.

In the same way pregnancy brings out domestic violence in a man, so can illness.

I saw one case when he was always a bit controlling but there was always an excuse. It's his diabetes. He's depressed. Of course he escalted and the end was horrid. What I say now is that you get a temporary pass for bad behaviour because of an illness, not a permanent one. You have to learn to live with it - women do it a the time, working away, keeping the world up with one hand whilst in pain or in energy deficit.

If someone becomes a terrible partner whilst chronically unwell, that is just part of the mix. It's not an excuse to do as you damn well please. And if they can't function as a partner any more, they might as well go anyway.

Back to boundaries. Set them, keep them. Then decide what to do. Just don't be a doormat because the magic word "illness" is a get out of jail free card".

Oh OP. How about if you just tell him to go. Tell him you don't want to wake up next to his corpse, and since you can't rely on him he just has to leave.

Or have you done that already.