I cant cope with my husbands diabetes anymore

[ThisShitsBananas]

My husband is type 1 diabetic and he doesn't manage it well, which has such a huge effect on my life, an after endless arguments about it I've just had enough. When his blood sugars are really low he can't function which means I don't get any help. His sugars are low in the mornings and currently he is struggling to raise them. He saw a nurse a few days ago who has changed his prescription to see if a different insulin may help.
This morning I slipped and fell and got my leg stuck under my car as I couldn't move. I was holding our baby at the time who was now lying in a patch of wet grass screaming and I was in shock as I thought I had broken my ankle. My eldest went to fetch him and he came down and just stood there staring us. I had to ask him to pick the baby up and then had to get myself up and crawl up the stairs to the house.

He then had a full hypo in the kitchen so I had to look after him while also trying to sort the kids out and I could barely stand.

I know I'm over reacting as he can't help it but I just feel so fed with it. It's always when I need him, these hypos happen. I feel like i can't ever be ill or injured just incase. No real point to this post other than to moan as I dont have anyone in real life to talk to.

I definitely think you have every reason to be peed off! He should be doing as much as Is reasonably possible to help himself, it doesn’t sound like he is. Sounds like you had a horrible morning. Do something nice for yourself xxxxx

Pump or MDI? Worth trying to get him on a closed loop pump like the Medtronic 780g as it will keep his level stable without him having to do anything apart from put carbs in for food. Makes like so much easier! If MDI I would guess his long acting insulin dose is too high if he’s low every morning. But he’s need a professional to look at his numbers and adjust it.

He seriously needs to stop drinking to the extent he’s having a hypo every morning. If he can’t stop it sounds like he has more of an alcohol issue than a diabetes issue. A diabetic friend of mine in h8s 20s who drank every night just didn’t wake up one morning. It potentially has extremely serious implications.

He sounds depressed. That needs dealing with aswell.
So the Doctor who said that to him at 15, didn't have the desired effect did they?

Have you posted about him before. This sounds familiar.

You really don't have to put up with it when he refuses to help himself and just makes your lives harder.

At this point I'd ask for a separation.

@Flyinggeesei234 @ThisShitsBananas @Outnumbered99

I also have a chronic ill DH and the pressure is immense. We can't moan in real life and the whole "well you married him" doesn't really help does it.

No advice just empathy

@ThisShitsBananas

this should be available on NHS hopefully

www.freestylelibre.co.uk/libre/

please check.

@ThisShitsBananas - I feel for you.

I was in a similar situation (not due to illness but other circumstances). And like you, I had a little fall and couldn't get help.... now I have a permanent health condition that has a huge impact on the things I can do, including the type of job I am able to hold down.

Please sit him down and talk to him how this is affecting you.

Put things into place that protect you. And never prush of your own feelings, aches and pains aside.

I feel for you OP. Your DH sounds depressed and a huge part of that is not taking care of yourself. And I Imagine also thinking what's the point as it's never going to get better. He's stuck in a rut. And diabetes and depression go hand in hand ALOT.

In your position I would have a serious chat and say you need life to change. You have a baby and you need him to step up. The first step to that is taking care of himself in order to take care of others and be present.

Does his DSN know how many hypos he's having? A Libre is no good when it depends on him to interact with it. He needs a proper CGM - Dexcom with alarms. It's a game changer for alarming when your levels are heading in the wrong direction to take early action. Ask the team to put him forward for one. Would be ever consider pump therapy? There are adults older than him who decided to do this later in life and the freedom it gives is management is unmeasurable.

The drinking needs to stop. That's just destructive. And selfish - that's within his control to address.

You need to have a serous conversation and wake him up otherwise nothing will change. But not in the sense that it's all hopeless as it's not!!! If he's amenable get him to listen to something like this podcast. It's inspiring and one of many positive examples out there. Baby steps. www.inspiredforward.com/episode107/

I just wonder why you had another baby with soneone who is so unwell.

Hey @bumpytrumpy thanks. And right back at ya. X

You say he weighs 10 stone. Has he ever had any body image issues? Because I'm someone who has has issues with my body and eating before, and I generally only eat one meal a day with teas, coffee, or juice or some fruit at any other time of day. I feel huge when I eat regularly and would really struggle with having to ear at regular intervals with diabetes. The fact that I would have to force myself to eat when I don't want to would also take a toll on my mental health and body image.

Just wondering if perhaps he is having similar issues around having to eat regularly, maybe the drinking is a way to cope with his thoughts/feelings at the moment

Fuck me. If Gary Mabbutt can make 600 appearances for Tottenham with Type 1 diabetes, OP's husband ought to be able get his act together long enough so that she doesn't have to sort him out when she's just had a bad fall with their baby.

I'd be so fucking weary, OP. I wish you luck.

My exDH was chronically ill and also had health anxiety. It was awful, I was run absolutely ragged and did everything for him, our two DC, the house duties and I worked full-time. He was also abusive and downright horrible to me - once when I thought he was asleep I was having a little cry sat down at the dining table at midnight as I was so overwhelmed and he sauntered past and told me I loved to make everything about me and that he was the one who was ill not me. That was the beginning of the end.

I have read your updates and they're heartbreaking. I don't know what to do, but do you think joint counselling might help you talk about the issues?

How is this helpful?

He’s so ashamed of having diabetes for some reason.

Obviously this isn't true but for a lot of people they associate diabetes with unhealthy obese people, maybe that's why ?

He can help it op, he chooses not to
He's not a great dad because of the above
I'm afraid you're enabling him

My BIL was in exactly the same situation due to diabetes. He ended up having a massive stroke and his wife has had enough of his behaviour (drinking, erratic eating etc), they are now separating and neither of his teenage children have a good relationship with him because they feel he doesn’t love them enough to help himself and be healthy for them.
It looks like your H is heading in exactly the same direction and there’s not much you can do OP other than give him an ultimatum, ship up or ship out. You say he will die, well it sounds like he’s heading there anyway, so you may as well protect your kids by seperatung so they don’t have to watch!

It does sound to me like your H needs some counselling, would he go?

*separating

The LTB culture on mums net is disgusting.

BlodynGwyn · Today 16:11
The LTB culture on mums net is disgusting

So what do you suggest in circumstances where a partner is consistently making your life hell because of his irresponsible behaviour?

Hi OP,

It's ok to rant. Some thoughts I have - he sounds really conflicted. He is obviously half committed to life - to you and your family and your children, but half keeping one foot out the door - with the self neglect (I think you've named it entirely correctly) and the apathy and hopelessness around his diabetes.
Like it would be worse for him if he tried to keep his diabetes at bay and still failed. It's as if there is a nihilism there. Which is quite a teenage reaction and makes sense with what you said about age of diagnosis and what he took from what the doctor said.
I assume the message was meant to be 'if you don't manage it it can be fatal quickly' not 'theres nothing you can do you're going to die young'. It would be interesting to know what the lasting impression of the information surrounding his diagnosis is.
Hopelessness? Futility? That life is precarious? That there's no point trying? His body has/will fail him so he doesn't want to care for it?
Diabetes has its own very specific psychological shadow.
The drinking is just stupid and stoppable. I know it probably stems from the same 'fuck it' place but it's an obvious area he could make changes to show what you are saying matters to him.
Because when you are part of a team/family, self neglect just becomes neglect of those around you. I'm not surprised you are crying on the sofa. You and your baby's needs are being neglected, because he's not just an island he can burn down if he wants to, you're all connected.
His pancreas doesn't make insulin. This should not be a death sentence for him or your relationship or your family.
Type 1 diabetics can really hurt your heart. It can become just outright self-harm at some point. And (I'm a HCP) sometimes you know you're not going to be able to bring them back next time.
Every hypo, every DKA is an injury to the brain. I think the long-termness of diabetes can make denial a bit easier - you might lose your sight, your limbs etc etc at some distant point in the future, when you're older, if you have poor control so there's all this room for pretending what you do now doesn't really matter. Or it had happened and it's all too late anyway.
And the other end of the scale is - well if I don't wake up from a hypo it won't actually be me having to deal with consequences, because I'll be dead.
As a HCP I think the first step is to somehow protect his body and as he can't be trusted to do it, in a way that requires the least input from him. Take it out of his hands. CGM, whatever it takes. It will obviously still require his input but I just mean it needs to be black and white, numbers = plan/action. It will lighten the cognitive load, protect his organs and possibly ease your burden too.
After the physical stuff is as controlled as can be, it's the psychological stuff that needs a deep dive. I honestly think he needs to know if he doesn't do this work he won't have a marriage.
But if he's hypoing every morning and hypering every evening, this is going to affect the ability of his brain to actually function, to make decisions, to face change and problem solve and reflect etc.
A hypo isn't just a woops - it's brain damage. And it sounds like it's every day at the moment. And you got such a shock today because it was so stark that it can also damage the safety of your family if he can't be responsible and helpful.
I think this needs to be crunch time. He can't call you up and pretend what happened this morning isn't a big deal.
Thoughts with you both OP xx

He won't change without a drastic wake up call op.

I've been type 1 diabetic and would never do this to myself or my husband and kids.

He's being selfish and can do things to change.

YADNBU! He’s not even doing the basics to manage his condition by the sounds of it!