To not understand why double barrel surnames are so wrong/bizarre to some people?

[CarsonViolet]

So I recently registered the birth of my first child and gave him a double barelled surname. His name layout is Daniel Eric (My surname) (DHs surname). (None of these are actually my son's name just an example!)

In laws were visiting yesterday and were having a look at his birth certificate and were disappointed to see the surname. We did tell them that my name would be in there but apparently they just assumed it was a middle name 🙄

Cue all the 'concerns' and old fashioned twaddle about "It's just nicer and easier" and "what happens when he marries someone with a double barrel name" blah blah blah.

Am I being silly to have assumed that this crap was dead? Sure people have their own opinions on what they would personally do but to tell other people off about it?

Wanted a rant more than anything tbh but I just find it so bizarre that women wanting to share a surname with the child they carried and birthed is still contentious to some people 🤔

My MIL made a big deal of asking my parents what they thought (they didn't give a toss), and she made a point at my wedding if calling me 'Mrs my husbands surname'

Silly.

My cold take is that it looks pretentious and clunky/burdensome. The origins of double barrelled names are very class and social climbery.

Wow! I didn’t realise it was only lower class people not getting married 😂 ?! In my experience it’s more the North London middle class set that don’t get married before having children. That Rees-Mogg is certainly a bit of a chav though…

Double barrelling was a huge step forward for feminism, where previously the surname would automatically default to the man/ father

It's been been tradition in the UK for a baby to take its mother's name. The only reason babies appeared to have their fathers name is because the women changed their names upon marriage to their husbands.

I’m sorry but that’s nonsense.

I double barrelled when I got married. I don't really care what anyone thinks! My decision. My reasons. My life. I love my original surname and it means a lot to me. He loves his original surname and it means a lot to him. We decided to give each other the "present" of taking each other's name and adding to our own.

I'm pretty sure that people can work it out if they need to do so.

My so-called 'maiden' name was not mine but my father's. You don't get away from the Patriarchy that easily.

I have a double-barrelled surname which I kept on getting married, my husband has 2 surnames as that’s the norm for his country of origin. We gave the kids a new double barrelled surname with one each of both of our names but chose the ones that worked best together, so I am a Smith-Brown, DH is a Jones Green and the kids are both Smith Green. (Not our real names). It hasn’t caused any issues so far. The kids can decide what they want to do if and when they get married/have children.

Not your mum's, even though (I assume) she'd made the conscious choice to change her name

We're being told on this thread that the tradition is for children to take the mother's name (it's just that women traditionally changed their names on marriage) and that our names are our father's, never our own.

Why is it his name, out of interest? Why does he get to own a name, but you don't?

I've made an active choice to keep the last name my parents chose for me, not to change it to something different (I did consider it in my 20s) and not to change it on marriage.

I'm claiming it as 100% mine; I've actively chosen it.

My so-called 'maiden' name was not mine but my father's. You don't get away from the Patriarchy that easily.

But how is it better to swap your dad's name for your FILs then?

The whole "oh, it's only your dad's name anyway" thing really grinds my gears. It implies that only men's surnames are permanent and belong to them. My "maiden name" was MY name from the moment that register was signed by my parents. Mine. Mine to keep or change however I want.

Was he the first person to have his surname, or do you think it wasn't yours because he had it first but apply a different rule to him?

Here's one. My God. It's YOUR name, not your dad's. You choose what you want to do with it. Patriarchy may have given you that name but you get to decide what to do with it. It was yours and belonged to YOU.

The thing is I imagine that being able to DB names has probably saved couples a lot of arguments. What exactly is the solution when both parents feel strongly about passing their own names?

I agree with this. Plus... My surname is just my dad's name. And his dad, and his grandads. The name doesn't belong to any females, like my mum or grandma. So it doesn't feel very progressive or feminist to be bothered about keeping it tbh.

I have a double barrelled name and gave my DCs one too, with DP's name swapped in for one of my names. I chose the more interesting of my names to give them. I doubt they will keep my half if they do what I did, but that doesn't bother me at all.

I hate the term maiden name. I prefer birth name. Mine belongs to me as much as my brother's belongs to him, so I don't understand the idea that it's your father's. Also if you choose to change your name then that name belongs to you too.

So how does it work, my DS has a surname but DD doesn't, not really? It's just a pretend name she is using?

Why does it not 'belong' to any females? It sounds like the men all got it from a man too, but it still counts as theirs?

The "but your name is just your dad's name" argument is strange. The minute I was born and given that name it became mine as much as anyone else with it.

This hardly justifies the idiocy of believing that women and children must take husband's name to honour centuries old patriarchal tradition. Men have never been expected to do the same. It's the principle. If I was to give my son my DHs name I'd feel that I was raising him to see me, and all women, as less than.

I thought it was a sign of unmarried parents rather than anything pretentious?

It seems a bit unnecessary to me but then I have to handwrite names a lot so writing out two names instead of one is irritating!

There are exceptions, obviously, but the general trend is that marriage is becoming a marker of privilege. I posted the Spectator link up thread, but a casual google will find you lots of information. There's a strong correlation between income/education levels and rates of marriage.

Meh, regardless of the patriarchy I didn't actually like my surname so was glad to change it when I married. Not that I would have preferred my mother's maiden name either. So it's not always a patriarchy question.

I know people who have kept names when married or double barrelled, it's a choice.

I'd not choose to double barrel because my first name is enough of a faff to spell...

I agree. I gave dds both our surnames (no hyphen). Ex and his family were a bit bemused by it. Ex seemed to think I would be changing my surname- I explained that wasn’t happening. They’re the only ones in their class with a double barrel- I say if anyone asks, tell them your mums a feminist.

For us it was just practical. We're not married and we're a female-female couple, so was simpler for DD to be Smith-Jones so both of us had one name that corresponded to hers - people tend to hear the names and it 'clicks' how we're related to her, rather than them constantly assuming (as happens to friends in the same situation) that one of them isn't the child's mum.

I would assume DD will either pick a name and drop the other, or not change her name at all; it's entirely up to her and neither of us is sentimental about our names so we wouldn't care which she kept and which she didn't.

The only thing that does annoy me is when MIL insists that because DP's name comes second (sounds better that way), therefore mine is really a middle name and she can omit it. But that is annoying purely because I am well aware the intention is to annoy!

It kind of depends partly if the names work together, also too long is a problem - maximum characters is an issue (DD's friend had to decide what name to use in the military because her hyphenated name was too long for the name tag!)

There is not a single best solution, it's what works for you but two last names (no hyphen) doesn't work with many computer systems because you can't have a space (I didn't write my computer system!) having the second last name as a second middle name all around can be easier for all, especially a 6 year old learning to spell