To not understand why double barrel surnames are so wrong/bizarre to some people?

[CarsonViolet]

So I recently registered the birth of my first child and gave him a double barelled surname. His name layout is Daniel Eric (My surname) (DHs surname). (None of these are actually my son's name just an example!)

In laws were visiting yesterday and were having a look at his birth certificate and were disappointed to see the surname. We did tell them that my name would be in there but apparently they just assumed it was a middle name 🙄

Cue all the 'concerns' and old fashioned twaddle about "It's just nicer and easier" and "what happens when he marries someone with a double barrel name" blah blah blah.

Am I being silly to have assumed that this crap was dead? Sure people have their own opinions on what they would personally do but to tell other people off about it?

Wanted a rant more than anything tbh but I just find it so bizarre that women wanting to share a surname with the child they carried and birthed is still contentious to some people 🤔

Love this 😂

I think it's hilarious that a lot of pearl clutchers don't like it because they think it's "common" (I suppose because of the association with unmarried parents).

Most people I know with double barrelled surnames are extremely posh (with titles and lands). E.g. Catherine Tate posh mum sports day sketch

There's definitely two camps in my experience- the educated, professional married women who retain their own names and hyphenate/double barrel their children's names (the traditional "posh" I referred to - though as the product of a council estate upbringing I suppose I mean that to encompass middle class and "upwards") but also the unmarried parents who don't share a surname and therefore their kids have both.

The difference I see is the married couples where the wife makes an affirmative decision to retain her name, and the unmarried couples who never shared a surname to begin with.

@properdoughnut

Yes my FIL was similar. All this fuss about the "family name"

Yet funnily enough it's always their family name that needs to be respected, never ours.

My sister once had dealings with a Mrs Crumbley-Chaize. Crackers!

I've never heard people refer to DB surnames as common, in my experience it's the opposite. My own parents DB their surnames when they married so I also had a DB surname growing up, then kept it when I got married (my husband has a common surname and I didn't want it plus couldn't be arsed with the sheer faff of changing anything accounts wise)

My own kids have one of my surnames as a middle name and my husband's surname as their own surname. They can decide what to do when and if they get married.

Tell your ILs to keep their beaks out!

Leaving your marriage is a marker of privilege argument aside....

Being married does not equate to having or not having a double barrelled name In my social circle all of the married women have either kept their own name or double barrelled. It's the done thing in most professions. Others on here have said the same. I think your views are quite outdated if I'm brutally honest.

@underneaththeash I knew someone who's double barrel would have been either Monk-Hatcher or Hatcher-Monk. Neither sounded that good.

Agree some surnames just don't work together.

In our case both are common surnames and very short.

Baffled as to why being unmarried is a class marker tbh. But that aside - I’m married and double barrelled - we both took each other’s names. I didn’t want to completely change my name, husband wanted us to have the same name, and it felt like a nice meet in the middle compromise. So the kids are double barrelled too. I actually prefer the sound of it now to my pre-marriage surname - it has a more even number of syllables and balances out my first name better!

But I dunno, some people are just weird about it. When I was pregnant I had someone ask me if child was going to have my husband’s pre-marriage surname and I was like, err, no? That’s not either of our names…

And as for what they’ll do in future if they get married - I dunno, it’s up to them? Same as it was for me. I literally don’t care. It’s also pretty presumptuous to assume that marriage will be in their future.

My DH and I are married but neither of us ever changed our surnames. Honestly it just seemed like unnecessary admin for me and wasn't that keen on losing my name anyway. DC came along later and is mysurname-DHsurname, but as they're both short names DC could easily drop the hyphen if they wanted. Think something like Short-Hill.

ILs here also only use DH's surname for DC and me, which really annoys me. Especially when they post things that need to be collected from the sorting office and there is literally NO evidence for the name that's on the package. They still won't use the right names though...

I sheepishly took DH’s surname but only as I’d always disliked mine (think similar to ‘Miss Pratt’).

I love it when families create their own surname, some friends of mine did something similar to Grey + Woods = Mr&Mrs Greywoods. Doesn’t work with all names though obviously.

In history, only important families got their name passed on through a female. That’s why inlaws can be such dicks about it I suspect “who does she think she is” 🙄

Quite interesting looking at the Sackville-West family. In 1813 Lord West married Lady Sackville, and they both changed their surname to Sackville-West. Their children were called: George West, Charles Sackville-West, Reginald Sackville, then six more who all had the Sackville-West surname. So I guess lots of conversations were had around all that 🤣

@Kumri me too. I've known people create really great surnames that way.

I suggested it to DH too. That he merged his two surnames and the double barrelled with mine but he wasn't keen.

Well it used to signify an upper class family. Now it tends to mean unmarried parents, so signifies the opposite of what it originally did.

This is purely anecdotal of course but I know many couples that gave their children DB names and they were all married.....

Ironically all the unmarried couples I know just went the dad's surname...weird...

Well OP you did ask if people still had massive hang ups about this... the batshittery on the thread has given a good indication?

But as you're asking on a forum, I think double-barrelling is pretty daft. The question of what happens next generation of names is valid. 2 parents with double barrelled names will each have to ditch one name and risk offending one parent each. You can't say it matters to you having the same surname as your dc and pretend you wouldn't bat an eyelid if they ditch it when they marry.

Not round these parts. We've always made it really clear to my kids (double barrelled, married parents so sorry to those desperately slotting folk into boxes) that when they're grown up they can do whatever they like with their names, because those names are theirs - not mine or their dad's, any more than my name is still 'my dad's name' after 45 years.

We've also been really open with them that when/if they get married or have kids or start a career as a rock trombonist they might want to change their name or only use part of their current name and that's totally up to them, it won't hurt our feelings.

We're functional adults who see our kids as separate people, you see. As a parent, you get to choose your child's name when they're born. That's a cool thing to get to do. What they do as adults is entirely up to them, and choices are complex beasties. A decent parent doesn't make those kinds of choices harder for their kids.

My personal opinion is that double barreled is a hassle especially for a child, and I'd never do it myself - but I'd never share that opinion with a friend/family who had chosen double barreled, everyone is entitled to their own decision.
My husband and I both kept our names (neither of us can be bothered with the admin) - will cross the bridge re. child surname if it happens!

I started out with a double-barrelled surname, ended up with a partner the same, DD has both of our names, it works!

are you seriously suggesting that in the UK in 2022 choosing to have a child and not get married makes you a lower class?

Whst notions of class are you even alluding to now?

I'm highly educated and working in a professional sector. I'm unmarried by choice because it meant better finacial protection for me. Why should that make any impact on class?

My child has a DB surname to reflect two equal parents. They can choose to do whatever they want with their name once an adult in the exact same way that every other adult has the right to do.

seriously what total bullshit is being spouted on this thread.

but he wasn't keen.

It seems to be the case for many who protest how common and complicated and naff it is. I've also had plenty of IRL comments that the mother wanted their name or at least both, but DH refused so of course he got what he wanted..

Well OP you did ask if people still had massive hang ups about this... the batshittery on the thread has given a good indication?

Yup...

I have every confidence that I have brought up my Dc (with their hyphenated surnames) to be able to make the right decision for them and any future partner, and free of any fear that either I or their Dad will guilt trip them or otherwise rant about their name choices.

We need to do away with pressure around names. Patriarchal pressure from men and their families, pressure from people who think you should do it just like them, etc etc.

OP: Tell your ILs that you have considered their points about how easier etc it is just to have one name so you are giving them your surname only.

Exactly the same here. I got married in the later 1990s and my husband had no expectation that I would take his surname. Decades on and people still seem to struggle with the concept.

I double barrelled mine when I got married. When my dd was born we gave her my maiden surname as her second middle name and my dh name as her surname. I liked the idea of her being able to carry on the name. For ease though I do just use my husbands surname professionally as it's easier to spell! (I have a tricky first name).

I am finding it surprising how so many arguments against DB names that I had thought long debunked have come up.... seriously the "but what of they marry someone else with a DB name" thing is such a silly take.

It seems a bit like wilfull ignorance tbh but then I did come to mumsnet to have my rant so what else did I expect 😂

Why do you see it as a hassle?