Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Don't want to invite SIL

346 replies

Lauraleight · 28/09/2022 08:20

We are planning on having a big family party on the 26th December in our home. None of us actually like SIL ( my DHs brothers wife). She had an affair a few years ago and we have never forgiven her. I have tolerated her since but last year MIL wasn't getting along with her and blocked her so I took that as my opportunity to not be in touch either . I haven't text her in a year. I seen her yesterday whilst out and about and said hello, didn't stop to engage in conversation. My other SIL and BIL ferl the same as me. Is it really awful not to invite them when everyone else will be there?

OP posts:
LookItsMeAgain · 28/09/2022 10:00

Flipping heck! I wouldn't want to socialise with family like yours @Lauraleight . So whatever MiL says goes, right? Not right. She is entitled to her opinion, just as you are to yours but what you're doing is really harsh on your DH Brother and his wife.

She was in a dark place (you mentioned that) and yet you're still essentially punishing her for that??? That's really Christian of you, considering you're talking about having a party at Christmas, where is your Christmas spirit??? Where is your forgiveness???

If I were her, I'd run a mile from my husband's toxic family and find nicer friends to be around who actually valued me and treated me with respect.

May you never find yourself walking a mile in her shoes.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 28/09/2022 10:01

Cut her off, you’d be doing her a favour. I can’t imagine being around such an immature spiteful bunch is doing anything for her mental health.

If this is real then you should all be thoroughly ashamed of yourselves.

NotLactoseFree · 28/09/2022 10:01

You sound horrendous. I will be spending christmas with SIL's EX, at my house. I loathe the man. BUT... SIL and her ex want to spend Christmas together with their DC and I am hosting this year so I am sucking it up.

I wouldn't invite him to, for example, an anniversary dinner for me and DH or to DS' 18th.... but there are certain events where you suck it up.

Your attitude is horrible and unless there's some massive backstory, you are penalising your BIL even more than your SIL. Horrible.

gold22 · 28/09/2022 10:02

Surely this is a reverse after the last update

SuperCamp · 28/09/2022 10:03

Good grief.

Your poor SIL.

Your MIL sounds really toxic.

fruitbrewhaha · 28/09/2022 10:04

Is this the plot for a sitcom?

Your MIL has blocked her son's wife because she sent her a photo of an event to which the MIL wasn't invited?

Do you think that is normal OP?

LookItsMeAgain · 28/09/2022 10:04

gold22 · 28/09/2022 10:02

Surely this is a reverse after the last update

You could well be right there...I wonder.....

FuriousFurious · 28/09/2022 10:04

There's a pack mentality going on here. It's not good.

Changeismine · 28/09/2022 10:04

What a twisted, judgmental, toxic and manipulative family! If I were the SIL, I would avoid you all! It is nobody else's business! She and her husband need support and love, not you lot with your boring lives and petty grievances. Have you ever heard the expression, 'Be Kind'!

Nanny0gg · 28/09/2022 10:05

Lauraleight · 28/09/2022 09:12

Just to answer a few questions. The affair was 6 years ago and from what I know they have worked through it. They are together a long time so it's hard for me to accept what she did. My DH works abroad so doesn't really get involved. Mil would still go if sil was going. I don't want to invite the whole family not just sil. Mil blocked sil because sil sent her a picture of her 40th birthday party. Mil thought they had a party and didn't invite her but her Aunt had a party in her home for her. Mil thought it was toxic to send a picture from a party she wasn't invited too. We have up until now invited them to family events but over the last year its half hearted, very little notice so as they can't come. Everybody usually goes to pils Christmas night and I'm worried my DD will tell her cousins we are having a party. Sil doesn't come to pils for Christmas. Her DH drops the kids of for a couple of hours and then picks them up.

I just don't want to be around her and bil and sil feel the same. They haven't spoke to her at all since the affair and disinvited her from their wedding.

You're a horrible shower. And very petty. Frankly they're both better off without the whole boiling lot of you.

Manchester1990 · 28/09/2022 10:05

Wow what a nasty little human you are OP

Nanny0gg · 28/09/2022 10:06

Lauraleight · 28/09/2022 09:33

I did speak to SIL about three years after the affair. She told me she was in a really bad place and wasn't herself. At home with 3 young dc and no support. She also had a near death tragic experience and was physically unwell for a year. This is true as I visited her in the high dependency unit and seen how unwell she was. This then led to a couple of mental illness diagnoses by a psychiatrist.

I know I'm being a bitch but after not having any contact for almost a year I feel happier.

Yep. You're right. You're a bitch. A very judgemental one.

I stand by my earlier post

fruitbrewhaha · 28/09/2022 10:07

You could be worrying unnecessarily OP, they probably don't want to come to your party anyway. It sounds like they have turned down other invitations. Perhaps they will spend it with her family instead.

Hearthnhome · 28/09/2022 10:08

She had an affair and your mil blocked her because she sent a photo of herself celebrating her 40th with her own family?

Why would mil be invited to your sils Aunts?

You all sound awful.

She had an affair 6 years ago. She didn’t cheat on you. The person she cheated decided to forgive her.

Your mil seems to enjoy drama.

I bet her life is better with you out of it as well.

Ffsmakeitstop · 28/09/2022 10:08

It's not your families place to forgive. After your latest update the poor woman is better off out of it.
My DH had an 8year affair. I didn't tell my family because this is the sort of shit they would pull.
I made the decision to forgive. It took a long time but we are both happy now and no one knows about it because neither of us need judging.

Vegetablesupreme · 28/09/2022 10:10

This is so awful it's got to be a reverse. Please tell me it is because otherwise you are unbelievably horrible

birder · 28/09/2022 10:11

I'm starting to think reverse, unusual to post so unflatteringly about yourself otherwise. Total lack of empathy.

Original poster
Lauraleight · 28/09/2022 10:12

It's definately not a reverse. Yes the 40th party was a bbq in her Aunts house. MIL thought they had a party and didn't invite her and was upset SIL sent a picture as she thought she was rubbing it in. Looking back it was a miscommunication.

I got on with SIL before the affair and our children were very close,same age. She was a fun person to be around and we had a lot in common. When she had the affair it wasn't the person I knew and I can't trust her again.

OP posts:
Glitteratitar · 28/09/2022 10:13

How have you treated your BIL for not supporting his wife enough when she was struggling with young children and ill health?

Sciurus83 · 28/09/2022 10:14

You don't have to trust her you aren't married to her. All you have to do is be nice to her at a party.

Original poster
Lauraleight · 28/09/2022 10:14

My BIL was working very hard to financially support his family. He wasn't out drinking,gambling or cheating. He's a good person.

OP posts:
AssignedSlytherinAtBirth · 28/09/2022 10:16

It really isn't worth all the bad feeling this causes. You don't have to be best mates with her but for goodness sake recognise that they are a couple and invite them both. Choose to be happy, stop being judgemental, and let your bitter MIL be bitter and strop if she wants to. You won't then have to worry about cousins saying anything (was it your kids telling their cousins? I've lost track and don't care.) But yes, YABVU and need to put this nasty attitude behind you. I speak from experience, and now on the rare occasions I see the other person we talk about politics, not family stuff, and it's all fine.

Glitteratitar · 28/09/2022 10:16

Lauraleight · 28/09/2022 10:14

My BIL was working very hard to financially support his family. He wasn't out drinking,gambling or cheating. He's a good person.

So he was neglecting his wife when she desperately needed support? And you think that’s a good husband?

birder · 28/09/2022 10:16

But OP, it sounds as though she went through some fairly traumatic events, you can't just give up on someone because they're not fun anymore.

None of us know what life has in store for us, it could be you next.

Fraaahnces · 28/09/2022 10:16

You also don’t know what part your BIL played in their relationship that made her seek the company of someone else. I’m definitely not condoning it, but he’s made his choice.