Don't want to invite SIL

[Lauraleight]

We are planning on having a big family party on the 26th December in our home. None of us actually like SIL ( my DHs brothers wife). She had an affair a few years ago and we have never forgiven her. I have tolerated her since but last year MIL wasn't getting along with her and blocked her so I took that as my opportunity to not be in touch either . I haven't text her in a year. I seen her yesterday whilst out and about and said hello, didn't stop to engage in conversation. My other SIL and BIL ferl the same as me. Is it really awful not to invite them when everyone else will be there?

"Oh dear I think she's gone to ground!"

It's only been a few minutes

Has anyone really though about the impact all this is having on your dha brother? Or not because you having the opportunity to stick the boot into his wife is too good.

Cheating on someone is shit. A dick move. But he chose to forgive her and by pushing her out you are pushing him out. Just when he needs most support.

If he can forgive her why can’t you, be polite for his sake?

I don't condone cheating, whatever the circumstances, but if they have decided to reconcile, I think you have to respect that and include her in big family parties

Or, if that's too difficult, rein in on the big family parties and see the relatives separately

Poor BIL, his family clearly don’t give a shit about him. I hope he and his wife have a lovely Christmas without the rest of his toxic family.

Exactly, we don't know the deeper details - he could have been so awful to her that it drove her to it; or nice as pie and she's just mean; or (more likely) something else in-between - no one knows what goes on behind closed doors. Suffice it to say, regardless of what either of them did to reach other, it's THEIR relationship, no one else's.

And I would say the same regardless of whether it was a man or a woman. They're together, it's a family Christmas do, they're family, not inviting them because you don't approve of their relationship for reasons that aren't any of your business is unreasonable.

I think just disliking them because of personalities is actually a better reason and less unreasonable than disliking them for how they conduct their private lives. One is how they affect you; the other is just judgemental bias.

No one is asking anyone to forgive or condone anything.

But minding your own business is a skill you clearly are allergic to. If the brother chose to reconcile then that is up to him it is literally none of your business. All you should do is support him. You literally have no idea of what goes on between 2 married people.

If she is horrible, un remorseful then again - literally, mind your business. Your only job is to support.

Mind your business not other people’s.

Doubt it would be a fun event for either of them if she was invited tbh.

I mean, it sounds like a fucking excellent party if you’re a fan of passive aggression that turns into aggression aggression after getting blitzed on eggnog, and attempted murder with a cheeseboard knife, but probably not otherwise. Can I come?

You don't have to invite her. She isn't in your life don't feel pressured to do it.

Yabu. If her husband has chosen to forgive her and move on then surely you support him in his decision?

This. It’s up to him if he wants to forgive her. You must be upsetting him too.

@ILikeHotWaterBottles you've got nothing to forgive, it's their relationship. Nothing has been done to anyone else.
The family are putting pressure on their relative to end his marriage. All they are going to do is push him away. The OP hasn't mentioned her personality etc. Other than her affair, she hasn't talked about any other reason why her BIL and SIL aren't going to be invited. The lack of invite will be a clear message to the pair of them. There'll be no going back.

If your BIL has forgiven her then I'd be supporting him and not disadvantaging him and any dc they might have. You really don't know what goes on behind closed doors. I don't condone cheating in any way but sometimes they're a symptom of a range of problems. Sounds like they've worked through them.

Just to answer a few questions. The affair was 6 years ago and from what I know they have worked through it. They are together a long time so it's hard for me to accept what she did. My DH works abroad so doesn't really get involved. Mil would still go if sil was going. I don't want to invite the whole family not just sil. Mil blocked sil because sil sent her a picture of her 40th birthday party. Mil thought they had a party and didn't invite her but her Aunt had a party in her home for her. Mil thought it was toxic to send a picture from a party she wasn't invited too. We have up until now invited them to family events but over the last year its half hearted, very little notice so as they can't come. Everybody usually goes to pils Christmas night and I'm worried my DD will tell her cousins we are having a party. Sil doesn't come to pils for Christmas. Her DH drops the kids of for a couple of hours and then picks them up.

I just don't want to be around her and bil and sil feel the same. They haven't spoke to her at all since the affair and disinvited her from their wedding.

I think its spiteful behaviour. If he's forgiven her, why can't you accept it? She's a part of your family, whether you like it or not.

From ops update it's been a clear message both ways. Ops family don't invite sil, sil doesn't invite

"Mil blocked sil because sil sent her a picture of her 40th birthday party. Mil thought they had a party and didn't invite her but her Aunt had a party in her home for her."

My god, that's awful. She blocked her for that and you took that as your signal to stop bothering with her too. You all sound horrid.

I would want to support DBil.

Sil doesn't invite ops family. Both sides aren't interested. Just stick to it, going to be nothing to salvage anyway and it will just be half hearted and fake.

But none of this is relevant. It’s BIL’s marriage, not the OP’s. He’s the one who gets to decide if he forgives his wife. It’s pretty shitty of his family to decide that it’s not bad enough having to deal with rebuilding his marriage - he should have to cope with squabbling between his relatives too.

I read these sort of threads and just feel sad. Life is just too short to hold this level of animosity within your family. Support your BIL. If he's forgiven her so should you.

Doesn’t this cause a rift more not inviting her?

Sil has invited us to a couple of important events since but we have made excuses not to go. She's not the person I thought she was. I'm close to my MIL and other SIL and BIL and I'd rather keep them happy than deal with her.

II think you’re all being quite nasty to SIL.

If her and her husband have moved on then you all should move on too.

I bet if BIL had had an affair, you would treat him the same as you do now.

Such hypocrites.

Oh dear. It sounds like a manipulative family that are trying to split a couple up. Hopefully you never get this treatment.

Have you ever spoken to your SIL as to why she had affair? People usually have affairs because they are unhappy. Maybe they have gone through guidance counselling and worked through it. Maybe your sister-in-law had depression who knows?

You sound like you are married to a nasty family. But you are going along with it. Be careful they may turn on you.

I think if BIL has decided to continue with the marriage you should be the bigger person. MIL blocking her because of a photo of a party is very petty.
If you invite them to the family gathering they can choose to atttend but will probably not come. Win win

Her affair and her marriage reconciliation is nothing to do with you, in fact I'd say they must be a pretty together couple to have withstood the animosity thrown by the DHs family.

Honestly, you all sound awful, maybe it's a good thing that they won't be invited.

I wouldn't let the children see you either, TBH.