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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Don't want to invite SIL

346 replies

Lauraleight · 28/09/2022 08:20

We are planning on having a big family party on the 26th December in our home. None of us actually like SIL ( my DHs brothers wife). She had an affair a few years ago and we have never forgiven her. I have tolerated her since but last year MIL wasn't getting along with her and blocked her so I took that as my opportunity to not be in touch either . I haven't text her in a year. I seen her yesterday whilst out and about and said hello, didn't stop to engage in conversation. My other SIL and BIL ferl the same as me. Is it really awful not to invite them when everyone else will be there?

OP posts:
inappropriateraspberry · 28/09/2022 16:05

Lauraleight · 28/09/2022 14:39

FIL has never confirmed that it's his son. With regards to my other SIL and BIL I didn't know her personally at the time. Her DH was not unwell,he had a work accident and died instantly. They have always denied an affair. I never really paid much attention to their relationship to be honest. I didn't see first hand any hurt it caused whereas I saw first hand how devastated my other BIL was.

So are you inviting FIL and the others to this party? Because if so, that is blatant double standards.
And honestly, it's just a Christmas party, you're not asking them to come and live with you for a year!

UrslaB · 28/09/2022 16:07

It sounds like you would be punishing your BIL or at the very least putting him in a very awkward position if you didn't invite him and his wife to this party or only invited him.

He has obviously forgiven her and it was six years ago with a lot of complex circumstances surrounding it by the sounds of things. To continue to hold an active grudge seems exhausting. Can you not just pass yourself with her for one party? You say SIL, MIL and BIL would all still come to party and it's not like they have to do anything other than pass themselves with her. No one is asking you to forgive her or be her best buddy but ostracizing her means ostracizing her husband your BIL, which seems cruel and damaging to his relationship to the rest of his family. Punishment by association it seems despite him being innocent.

Ironic since you seem to be happy to ignore the reality that it seems FIL was unfaithful in a more extreme manner. Everyone seems happy not to poke that giant issues, but hey, that was 50 years ago, and there is only some poor innocent fella walking around sharing DNA that he shut a door in the face of and disrespected. FIL didn't take responsibility for actions unlike SIL so you all seem happy to create a double standard. Everyone else seems to be happy to bury their heads in the sand about it. Funny you won't take the same approach with this SIL even just for one party.

inappropriateraspberry · 28/09/2022 16:07

It all sounds like an Eastender's plot to me. Get over yourself, and either have a party with everyone invited or just invite your BFF MIL over so you can both bitch about the one SIL whilst everyone else is blameless. 🙄

AisforApplePie · 28/09/2022 16:18

PigsInBlanketyBlankets · 28/09/2022 13:33

"I've never experienced having an affair or dealing with my DH having an affair."

Don't count your chickens OP, especially with him working abroad for long stints

This isn’t okay.

AisforApplePie · 28/09/2022 16:20

You say you don’t know why she did it OP (even though you also say she has explained why) but you don’t need to know. It isn’t actually your business, it’s her husbands and if he has forgiven her and they have worked through it then that is what counts.

Can you at least understand what everyone is saying to you? There are hundreds of responses on here all telling you the same thing. Can you at least consider that maybe you’ve been wrong? And maybe want to think about your position?

Mummyoflittledragon · 28/09/2022 16:21

MayThe4th · 28/09/2022 14:34

What does your DH say about all this?

Because if he’s in league with all of this I would divorce him and leave the lot of them to it. Oh, and I would maintain a friendship with SIL once I’d got rid of the rest of the family.

SIL and BIL have actually done far worse, been shagging around behind her husband’s back while he was presumably dying is pretty despicable behaviour. And if he wasn’t dying and just conveniently died somehow then carrying on the affair was pretty despicable as well.

In fact it sounds as if there isn’t a single member of that family who hasn’t had an affair and yet they see fit to pretend they’re taking the moral high ground by excluding SIL.

Op says she unreservedly supports her mil. It is possibly the only way she can maintain ongoing approval. The affairs of blood family members will likely be dismissed. Non family members, of which op is part, can only ensure inclusion if they ‘behave themselves’.

@Lauraleight
You sound woefully naive. Lots of people have explained why your sil had the affair. I know someone, who was clinically dead. I never met him before his accident. He says he is very different from the person he was before and he had to learn to live again. He had a compulsion to live life to the fullest, dangerously even and that didn’t suit his wife so they divorced.

If anyone out of your fil, your other sil and bil and this sil, this sil is the one, who has a legitimate excuse for having an affair.

PigsInBlanketyBlankets · 28/09/2022 16:32

@AisforApplePie not another. How is it not ok to tell the op it could happen to her too 🙄

AisforApplePie · 28/09/2022 16:41

PigsInBlanketyBlankets · 28/09/2022 16:32

@AisforApplePie not another. How is it not ok to tell the op it could happen to her too 🙄

Because that was intended to be provocative and unpleasant. It was suggestive that OPs husband IS going to have an affair, it wasn’t saying that lots of people have affairs. It wasn’t okay.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 28/09/2022 16:47

fairycakes1234 · 28/09/2022 15:53

@DisforDarkChocolate so funny when it comes to someone defending an affair and someone that sounds so unpleasant than actually agree, because thats not the done thing on mumsnet, everyone has to disagree, think its yourself that needs to grow up lol

Show quote history

You might have nags of flour and sugar and a dozen eggs, but that doesn’t mean it’s a cake. The same goes with words and sentences.

Chilesstanton · 28/09/2022 16:53

It’s actually none of your business if she had an affair. Get a grip and possibly a hobby - you seem far too invested in all of this.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 28/09/2022 16:55

Lauraleight · 28/09/2022 14:16

Im not sure if fil ever had an affair. He worked abroad for long stretches of time. My DH did tell me that a man knocked on the family home years ago and said he was fils son. Fil closed the door on his face. My other BIL (husbands brother) found out more details,name etc and we have all seen the "son" online as he has a very successful business. Fil has never acknowledged it.

There is also debate regarding SIL and BIL having an affair with each other. These are the ones I get on with it. Other SIL who had the affair and her DH insist they did. They said they only ever kissed behind her husbands back. She was pregnant 3 months after her husband died with BILs baby. This seems to be a bone of contention with SIL who admitted her affair. PIL have never spoken about the other brother having an affair.

Sorry if that's wrote badly and confusing.

Kinell. I'd defy even 'The Waltons' to come up with this!

MangosteenSoda · 28/09/2022 16:57

I’m staggered at how intensely horrible you and your in-laws are being and how unembarrassed you are about describing this behaviour.

Follow BIL’s lead and accept his wife graciously. Ignore everything that’s none of your business and stop scapegoating this woman when she appears to have behaved in keeping with most of the rest of the family.

I think you’re aware of how much vilification OW get on MN and thought you would indulge in a little bitch fest about SIL. It’s clear she’s the family punchbag.

PigsInBlanketyBlankets · 28/09/2022 17:01

"Because that was intended to be provocative and unpleasant. It was suggestive that OPs husband IS going to have an affair, it wasn’t saying that lots of people have affairs. It wasn’t okay."

Disagree completely and I know my intentions better than you. There's literally nothing pleasant about contemplating the fact that around 3/4 of people cheat at sometime, but it was intended as a reality check as opposed to a provocation. As I've explained a million times.

pinkyredrose · 28/09/2022 17:02

Lauraleight · 28/09/2022 14:16

Im not sure if fil ever had an affair. He worked abroad for long stretches of time. My DH did tell me that a man knocked on the family home years ago and said he was fils son. Fil closed the door on his face. My other BIL (husbands brother) found out more details,name etc and we have all seen the "son" online as he has a very successful business. Fil has never acknowledged it.

There is also debate regarding SIL and BIL having an affair with each other. These are the ones I get on with it. Other SIL who had the affair and her DH insist they did. They said they only ever kissed behind her husbands back. She was pregnant 3 months after her husband died with BILs baby. This seems to be a bone of contention with SIL who admitted her affair. PIL have never spoken about the other brother having an affair.

Sorry if that's wrote badly and confusing.

Wtf

AisforApplePie · 28/09/2022 17:04

PigsInBlanketyBlankets · 28/09/2022 17:01

"Because that was intended to be provocative and unpleasant. It was suggestive that OPs husband IS going to have an affair, it wasn’t saying that lots of people have affairs. It wasn’t okay."

Disagree completely and I know my intentions better than you. There's literally nothing pleasant about contemplating the fact that around 3/4 of people cheat at sometime, but it was intended as a reality check as opposed to a provocation. As I've explained a million times.

I found your comment unpleasantly put and think you worded it to cause potential hurt. That’s how it came across to myself and someone else. Your point may stand about lots of people having affairs and I said to the OP that hopefully she never finds herself on the bad side of the family, but the way you said it came across as a way to take a low blow.
But I have no interest in arguing so let’s agree to disagree. Have a lovely evening.

toomuchlaundry · 28/09/2022 17:06

Why is this SIL being singled out as the bad person, whereas it seems quite endemic in this family to have affairs?

PigsInBlanketyBlankets · 28/09/2022 17:08

Soz, will be sure to say exactly the same thing you did but in your words not mine next time Apple.

Have a lovely evening

MayThe4th · 28/09/2022 17:09

@AisforApplePie · given the rest of the family have all had affairs I’d say the OP’s dh having or having had one is a distinct possibility.

As for the sil saying she and BIL were only friends before her husband died, I’m not sure what’s worse, having an affair and carrying it on as if nothing happened after the husband died, or essentially walking out of the funeral into the bed of another man. Classy behaviour all round. I hope she didn’t have kids she dragged into this shitshow

AisforApplePie · 28/09/2022 17:11

MayThe4th · 28/09/2022 17:09

@AisforApplePie · given the rest of the family have all had affairs I’d say the OP’s dh having or having had one is a distinct possibility.

As for the sil saying she and BIL were only friends before her husband died, I’m not sure what’s worse, having an affair and carrying it on as if nothing happened after the husband died, or essentially walking out of the funeral into the bed of another man. Classy behaviour all round. I hope she didn’t have kids she dragged into this shitshow

I haven’t said he won’t, what I have said is that the other posters comments were deliberately put to be nasty. There are ways of saying things and that was it. It was provocative to make the OP feel shitty about herself.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 28/09/2022 17:13

toomuchlaundry · 28/09/2022 17:06

Why is this SIL being singled out as the bad person, whereas it seems quite endemic in this family to have affairs?

As far as the parents in law are concerned it's likely there's a simple, one-word explanation for this. Projection.

They could, apparently, have chosen to focus that projection on any one of a number of members of that family. But they chose one who married in. They make an easy scapegoat; avoids looking too closely at your own family relationships if you can shove all the blame onto a convenient outsider.

And isn't it strange how it's always a woman's fault?

PigsInBlanketyBlankets · 28/09/2022 17:17

"It was provocative to make the OP feel shitty about herself."

Oi, no it wasn't 🤣 are you always so sensitive? I told her not to count her chickens, and I think that's good advice.

Jesus wept, go have your lovely evening will you

AisforApplePie · 28/09/2022 17:27

PigsInBlanketyBlankets · 28/09/2022 17:17

"It was provocative to make the OP feel shitty about herself."

Oi, no it wasn't 🤣 are you always so sensitive? I told her not to count her chickens, and I think that's good advice.

Jesus wept, go have your lovely evening will you

Being horrible to me doesn’t support your points. You clearly like to wind people up and think that’s okay, I don’t. So as I said, we can agree to disagree.

Dancingjane · 28/09/2022 17:34

This whole thread smells of a wind up.

Original poster
Lauraleight · 28/09/2022 17:36

I can guarantee its not a wind up.

OP posts:
PigsInBlanketyBlankets · 28/09/2022 17:40

"Being horrible to me doesn’t support your points. You clearly like to wind people up and think that’s okay, I don’t. So as I said, we can agree to disagree."

Then you carried on posting about it. Well you're wrong and I'm not being horrible to you. I don't go in for flowery language, that's true, but you're going a bit over the top considering my actual posts on here.

I clearly like to wind people up? Confused Just because you feel wound up that doesn't make you right. You've called me names, accused me of purposely trying to provoke the OP, then ended with a hefty dose of passive aggression towards me. Nice.