Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Don't want to invite SIL

346 replies

Lauraleight · 28/09/2022 08:20

We are planning on having a big family party on the 26th December in our home. None of us actually like SIL ( my DHs brothers wife). She had an affair a few years ago and we have never forgiven her. I have tolerated her since but last year MIL wasn't getting along with her and blocked her so I took that as my opportunity to not be in touch either . I haven't text her in a year. I seen her yesterday whilst out and about and said hello, didn't stop to engage in conversation. My other SIL and BIL ferl the same as me. Is it really awful not to invite them when everyone else will be there?

OP posts:
TwinkleChristmas · 28/09/2022 10:16

Why do you need to trust her? She didn’t do fuck all to you.

You and your MIL sound pretty nasty to be honest.

You would snub your own brother out at Xmas because of a relationship issue they decided to work through.

MayThe4th · 28/09/2022 10:17

So what is it you’ve never forgiven her for? I mean she hasn’t done anything to you has she? Ergo, you’ve nothing to forgive. So clearly you’re just a judgy spiteful person who enjoys being petty and vindictive.

If your bil is any indication of what the rest of the family is like then it’s hardly surprising she had an affair.

Or maybe she did have a mental breakdown, maybe he is actually an arsehole, maybe she made a mistake. Affairs are rarely black and white.

It’s up to her husband to forgive, not you. So given he has, it’s not up to you to undermine that.

Karamna · 28/09/2022 10:17

I think you can't invite the husband and not his wife. It's between the 2 of them and it was 6 years ago! By causing all this aggro you're just making his life more difficult rather than supporting him. And no one really knows what goes on in someone else's relationship.

You don't have to be best friends but just be polite and civil and behave normally. Invite her to family stuff and make small talk. The person she wronged has forgiven her - so why don't you see if you can too? If the Windsors can manage it I'm sure you can too!

misskatamari · 28/09/2022 10:17

Wow. You all sound absolutely horrible and completely lacking in any empathy.

people are human. They make mistakes. It sounds like she was in a bad place, made a mistake and has taken responsibility for that, and has worked on her marriage to your BIL. You and the family are so out of order to treat them both like this.

LookItsMeAgain · 28/09/2022 10:18

"When she had the affair it wasn't the person I knew and I can't trust her again."

She even said to you that she was in a bad place so she admitted as much herself.

Why are you being so really horrible to this woman??? I think you need to take a long hard look in the mirror here. I don't think you'll like what you see.

Actually, I'm starting to think that she is much better off without you or your MiL or any of her husband's toxic family in her life. Much better off. You are a horrible family. Horrible. Toxic. Mean. Just horrible.

Threeboysandadog · 28/09/2022 10:19

It sounds as if your SIL has been through a very difficult time. Your family should take their lead from your BIL and move on. For the sake of everyone involved, you should be the bigger person and invite them.

EasterIssland · 28/09/2022 10:19

wonder what was the situation like 6 years ago as a family and whether your behaviour was similar to now and whether her not being in a good place was a result of you all

StrongTea · 28/09/2022 10:20

Hope your SIL has her own supportive family. The longer this type of bitchiness goes on the worse it becomes. Very difficult especially when children are involved.

Confusion101 · 28/09/2022 10:21

Lauraleight · 28/09/2022 10:12

It's definately not a reverse. Yes the 40th party was a bbq in her Aunts house. MIL thought they had a party and didn't invite her and was upset SIL sent a picture as she thought she was rubbing it in. Looking back it was a miscommunication.

I got on with SIL before the affair and our children were very close,same age. She was a fun person to be around and we had a lot in common. When she had the affair it wasn't the person I knew and I can't trust her again.

Sooo to clarify..... You haven't spoken to your SIL in a year because your MIL thought she wasn't invited to a party but that wasn't the case at all!? Wow..... When are your graduating from primary school coz that shit is childish as hell!!!!!

That argument had nothing to do with you. Her DH has forgiven her. Why are you hell bent on making this about you?

And if I invited people a few times and they kept declining, I'd stop inviting them to things too!!

BadNomad · 28/09/2022 10:22

You do realise if you upset your MIL in any way, the whole family will likely cut you out too? You married in like your SIL. They don't have any loyalty to you. It could be you who is being left out of events while your DH and children are welcome.

justasking111 · 28/09/2022 10:22

Lauraleight · 28/09/2022 10:12

It's definately not a reverse. Yes the 40th party was a bbq in her Aunts house. MIL thought they had a party and didn't invite her and was upset SIL sent a picture as she thought she was rubbing it in. Looking back it was a miscommunication.

I got on with SIL before the affair and our children were very close,same age. She was a fun person to be around and we had a lot in common. When she had the affair it wasn't the person I knew and I can't trust her again.

You used to like her, she had a breakdown, you visited. You say she was fun. MIL is being a narcissistic bitch and you're all enabling her. Sheesh the power these old women have over entire families. Think, it could be you she turns on next

Invite her. And damn the old dragon

50percentNamaste50percentGoFuckYourself · 28/09/2022 10:25

Lauraleight · 28/09/2022 09:21

Sil has invited us to a couple of important events since but we have made excuses not to go. She's not the person I thought she was. I'm close to my MIL and other SIL and BIL and I'd rather keep them happy than deal with her.

yes you and your toxic MIL and your bitchy SIL sound well suited to each other. The SIL you all hate sounds well out of your horrible family and you should probably not invite her, I imagine she would be delighted to not to have to see you all at Xmas.

It's texted and saw, by the way.

HOTHotPeppers · 28/09/2022 10:27

Unless you've sat in on every interaction between your BIL and SIL you have no idea about the situation and it is none of your business. Are you a perfect faultless person?

Unicorn717 · 28/09/2022 10:27

I'm not sticking up for the affair (and we can all say what we would and wouldn't do if it happened to us) but it seems like most of the 'family' are being a bit unfair.

She's tried to make up for it and invite you to things etc and your brother has decided to forgive her for what happened. Surely if he can, the rest of you can.

You also say she's been through some difficult times so maybe try and have a bit more sympathy. If you aren't taking to her, I'm guessing you also haven't seen nieces and nephews (if they have kids) which seems a bit unfair to take it out on them as well. She's fucked up before but is it really worth never speaking to her again? She must know you're leaving them out on purpose at this point.

What happens if you annoy MIL and the whole family decides to cut you out because of it? I'm sure you wouldn't feel great about it.

I hope she has her own family and friends that bother with her.

MishaBukvic · 28/09/2022 10:27

If your BIL has accepted his wife back after an affair, then you lot should accept her back too. Support the BIL.

Or, do her a massive favour and don't invite either of them. Keep her away from your toxic MIL. She doesn't need to be punished repeatedly years after her mistake

CovertImage · 28/09/2022 10:29

You sound utterly despicable

Polly421 · 28/09/2022 10:30

You’ve said yourself you’d rather keep your MIL, BIL and SIL happy rather than deal with her than deal with her. This speaks volumes follow the crowd rather than be individual. She’s probably a lot better off not dealing with you all. God forbid you ever make a mistake and lose your perfect DIL halo.

MayThe4th · 28/09/2022 10:31

Actually if I were SIL I would be saying “fine, but then you don’t get to have a relationship with my children either because I don’t want my children to be part of such a toxic dynamic.”

Actually, what are you planning to tell the children when they ask why you never include their mum? Or have you cut them out because of their mother, and made them guilty by association.

FaazoHuyzeoSix · 28/09/2022 10:31

If your Brother has forgiven her then the affair is no longer any of your business. Lots of people have BILs/SILs that they don't like much, but accepting and including them is part of your love for your own siblings and you just make the best of things for as long as their relationship lasts. If the relationship breaks down then of course you need not have anything further to do with them, but until that time anything that conveys your dislike is an attack on your own sibling and is wrong.

Original poster
Lauraleight · 28/09/2022 10:36

I just don't know how to get back to a good place with her. We seen first hand how devastated BIL was. It affected the whole family. I don't want to be two faced and act like her friend when I'm not. My other SIL and BIL (his brother)are adamant they will never speak to her again so it puts me in an awkward situation as I get on with them. SIL usually has the party on the 26th December but she has a few family issues going on so is not up to it. Obviously she hasn't invited SIL and her family to her party since the affair. BIL and SIL would know we go there every year on that day.

OP posts:
Dancingjane · 28/09/2022 10:38

Lauraleight
I know I'm being a bitch but after not having any contact for almost a year I feel happier.
SIL probably feels happier without your toxic lot to. What a nasty childish bunch you are. Thair marraige is non of your business.

BadNomad · 28/09/2022 10:38

BIL has been cut out too?

Unicorn717 · 28/09/2022 10:38

You need to grow up.

SunburstsOrMarbleHalls · 28/09/2022 10:38

I hope this is a reverse but on the off chance it isnt...

Do your SIL and BIL a favour and DON'T invite them. You and your family are a bunch of judgemental toxic individuals.

What she did was wrong but she isn't a criminal. her husband has chosen to forgive her and they appear to have been able to successfully move on and repair the relationship over the past six years. You might disagree with BIL choice but quite frankly its not any of your business. It is their relationship and marriage nobody else's.

I get that you don't wish to be her friend and feel that she is untrustworthy but as a family to collectively isolate and shun a person like this is horrible.

If I was BIL/SIL I would go no contact with all of you and I would not take my children round to visit at Christmas either. If her DC's became aware of the nasty sentiment directed towards there mother it could be really uncomfortable for them.

Your MIL is pathetic for blocking her, I hope you never make the mistake of sending her a picture of you at kind of party or event (that someone else has organised) as you too may become persona non grata.

I will assume that all of you are perfect paragons of virtue, I mean to be so nasty and judgemental you must be right?

OhmygodDont · 28/09/2022 10:38

Wonder how much of her in-laws being clearly toxic added to her poor mental health.

ps just going to work doesn’t make him a good husband. You don’t know what help he was actually giving her at home behind closed doors. I hate cheating but his forgiven her and frankly what wash of them do with their genitalia isn’t your business to need to forgive.