Don't want to invite SIL

[Lauraleight]

We are planning on having a big family party on the 26th December in our home. None of us actually like SIL ( my DHs brothers wife). She had an affair a few years ago and we have never forgiven her. I have tolerated her since but last year MIL wasn't getting along with her and blocked her so I took that as my opportunity to not be in touch either . I haven't text her in a year. I seen her yesterday whilst out and about and said hello, didn't stop to engage in conversation. My other SIL and BIL ferl the same as me. Is it really awful not to invite them when everyone else will be there?

Well, it’s not black and white. I had an affair when I was in a sexless marriage with a travelling DH with a job that ate up all our air, even when he was at home, and when I was myself juggling a FT job and essentially solo parenting living in a place where I was isolated and unhappy. I’m not proud of it, and am under no illusions that I did something unethical, but it got me through a desperately bad patch. It was a coping mechanism. I just wanted someone to touch me.

"That isn't fair."

Fair? What's fair about this group of people ganging up and bullying someone for something that's got absolutely fuck all to do with them?

And it's common for men who work away to compartmentalise their two lives to the point that they end up having affairs.

As a family, surely you should be supporting your brother? If he has made the decision to forgive his wife and fix his marriage then you should be supporting him when he doubtless needs you.

To be blunt, it isn't up to you to forgive her. She isn't married to you, your mum etc.

All you'll achieve by not inviting her (regardless of inviting your brother) is to push them away. Your brother and SIL will break away from you, although it sounds like they already are.

That isn't fair, either. And the OP has been told it's unfair by numerous PP, me included.

The post I responded to made a cheap, below-the-belt swipe that achieves nothing more than bullying her in turn. What exactly is the point in that?

I think that what @PigsInBlanketyBlankets · is saying though is that you can never be sure that it won’t happen to you. And tbh you can never say that you won’t have an affair yourself, wrong place, wrong time etc we’re all human. Sometimes people have affairs. Around 67% of people in fact. Both men and women.

I wonder in fact whether the OP’s fil had an affair given the MIL’s extreme reaction to this.

Ok but what about what they're doing to BIL and the children? Is it ok that they aren't invited or welcome at family events? Is it ok that no one goes to their special occasions? Is that his punishment for staying with his wife?

"The post I responded to made a cheap, below-the-belt swipe that achieves nothing more than bullying her in turn. What exactly is the point in that?"

Bullying? Give over. I'm pointing out a well known fact and the point is to make the OP wise up a little bit. Do you really think this family won't drop her/block her at the first sign of trouble in the OPs own marriage?

So whole family is punishing your DH brother for staying with his wife after her affair even though you know she was metally unwell at the time.
You should all be shamed. If your family had given her more support then she might not have had the affair.

Thank you @MayThe4th that was exactly my point.

I've made the point upthread that in the same predicament the best prediction of her in-laws' likely behaviour is the way they're behaving at present. So, no. As you're asking me that question, I don't think this, as my previous post clearly indicates.

I also don't happen to think words tantamount to 'your husband might do it to you too so nur, karma!' are particularly helpful. They're just as childish as the OP's behaviour to her DiL, and they're hardly conducive to constructive discussion, just derails into personal patball like this one. In which, incidentally, I'll no longer be participating.

"I also don't happen to think words tantamount to 'your husband might do it to you too so nur, karma!' are particularly helpful."

Why are you making things up?

Im not sure if fil ever had an affair. He worked abroad for long stretches of time. My DH did tell me that a man knocked on the family home years ago and said he was fils son. Fil closed the door on his face. My other BIL (husbands brother) found out more details,name etc and we have all seen the "son" online as he has a very successful business. Fil has never acknowledged it.

There is also debate regarding SIL and BIL having an affair with each other. These are the ones I get on with it. Other SIL who had the affair and her DH insist they did. They said they only ever kissed behind her husbands back. She was pregnant 3 months after her husband died with BILs baby. This seems to be a bone of contention with SIL who admitted her affair. PIL have never spoken about the other brother having an affair.

Sorry if that's wrote badly and confusing.

"In which, incidentally, I'll no longer be participating."

Sorry, replied before I realised you'd announced your flounce.

Anyway, I think it is relevant to the discussion. The OP was very close to her SIL before and the kids were all close. If she can rebuild that relationship she might just be glad of it in the future.

I have a lot of family support myself and have had mental health issues in the past. I don't know, I still don't know why she did it.

so when did you have the empathy bypass? With every post you come across a little bit worse, and you were starting from a very low point anyway.

And it isn't even the point anyway. Your BIL - your MILs son - has decided to give it a go. 6 years on - that's pretty impressive. And indicates to me that there was either a lot more going on (on his part?) than they will ever tell you judgy gits. He has moved on. SIL is not allowed (by you lot) to move on. And in the middle is your BIL and his kids. I hope SILs family are a lot more lovely and welcoming.

I think you all need to look deep inside and ask yourselves this: would i like to be treated like this? Would i like someone i love to be treated like this? By my own family?

You say she also had some psychological struggles following serious illness. Whilst not an excuse, unless you've been in that position it is hard to judge. In any event, whatever your thoughts your BIL has forgiven her. By excluding her, the people you're punishing are your BIL and nieces and nephews because ultimately they too will be excluded. You're also putting BIL in a difficult position whereby he will be forced to choose between her and the rest of the family. Is your anger that strong that you all want to run that risk?

A woman who was in a bad place, suffered a near death experience which resulted in mental health issues leading to an affair doesn’t need your forgiveness
She has done nothing to you personally, nor to your husband, his other brother or his wife or indeed your mother in law.
The one person who was affected most by the affair, her husband, has forgiven her, he may have had his eyes opened as to how his behaviour during her crisis led to the affair. You will never know.
You and your other sister in law, the one who hasn’t, as far as you know, had an affair are at risk of the same treatment as ‘Jezebel’, should you step out of line for any transgression the MIL, BIL, and your DH decree.
Hence you keeping them sweet. Self preservation.

Jesus, I thought my in laws were a toxic clusterfuck. Do the woman a favour and leave her off your guest list.

@Lauraleight

well then I think we all now know what your MILs real problem is then.. her own husband knocked up another woman and they are living in denial to the extent that they bully out your SIL and you have become a willing participant.

you are living in a naive world where u think other peoples marriages are easy and rosy.

it is time you grew up and learnt the power of being diplomatic and generous.

Fuck me.
so let me get this straight…

Fil had an affair and fathered a child.

SIL and BIL were shagging each other presumably while SIL’s husband was ill? Or did he just conveniently die?

And they all see fit to judge other SIL for having an affair even though they’ve all been at it?

Riiiight. What a bunch of hypocritical cunts they are.

OP, do you not see how you are all treating your BIL so badly in isolating SIL?

If he has done the hard work to rebuild trust and repair their marriage, it's pretty bad that his siblings, ILs and own mother are excluding him and his family from events, and being judge, and seemingly, vengeful.

People make mistakes. Bad mistakes. They have regrets, apologise, make amends. How can anyone ever recover from a mistake if their families behave like you and your ILs?

Why is it difficult for you to see SIL and BIL just because you also get on with other SIL and BIL? You have your own mind and your own decision making. Just say 'it was 6 years ago. If BIL has decided to heal his marriage I am respecting his decision. Oooh, love your dress...is it new?'

I'm confused but from the last update.. everyone's just shagging everyone and having babies? Ffs🤣

Certainly not a family whose lead I would follow in matters of morals, ethics or decent behaviour!

What does your DH say about all this?

Because if he’s in league with all of this I would divorce him and leave the lot of them to it. Oh, and I would maintain a friendship with SIL once I’d got rid of the rest of the family.

SIL and BIL have actually done far worse, been shagging around behind her husband’s back while he was presumably dying is pretty despicable behaviour. And if he wasn’t dying and just conveniently died somehow then carrying on the affair was pretty despicable as well.

In fact it sounds as if there isn’t a single member of that family who hasn’t had an affair and yet they see fit to pretend they’re taking the moral high ground by excluding SIL.

Oh dear OP...
Are you saying all your IL'S have been up to no good, how did they decide which one's would still be welcome into the family and who would be the outcast.?

If I were you I'd cancel any Boxing day plans lock the doors, close the curtains and finish the quality street by myself.

"In fact it sounds as if there isn’t a single member of that family who hasn’t had an affair"

Gosh, don't say that here. You'll be accused of being a childish bully