Don't want to invite SIL

[Lauraleight]

We are planning on having a big family party on the 26th December in our home. None of us actually like SIL ( my DHs brothers wife). She had an affair a few years ago and we have never forgiven her. I have tolerated her since but last year MIL wasn't getting along with her and blocked her so I took that as my opportunity to not be in touch either . I haven't text her in a year. I seen her yesterday whilst out and about and said hello, didn't stop to engage in conversation. My other SIL and BIL ferl the same as me. Is it really awful not to invite them when everyone else will be there?

YANBU. I wouldn't invite her.

I've read some nasty stuff on this site before, but OP you are the nastiest individual I've ever come across. Your updates get worse and worse. You don't even remotely sound like a nice person.

Your BIL & SIL are better off without you.

I take it you haven't read all of the OP'e updates before coming to this conclusion?

Or your the OP on a new ID trying to get some support.

Can I ask, have you ever spoken to other members of your family about your SIL's behaviour, not including your MIL in this.
I can't help but wonder if they also feel that they have to follow MIL's ways through fear of being an outcast and have at sometime wanted to reach out to your SIL.

Well I hope you’ve been put in your place then.

You are a judgmental nasty person.
Your husband’s family are judgmental, nasty people.
Your BIL has made the decision to work past the affair and commit to his marriage.
NONE of you will let the affair go, even though it’s none of your business.

Everything you say is “we think” “we feel” like you’re part of a nasty little bullying group, and nobody can think for themselves, because it’s a group bullying mentality.

Your MIL is pathetic to block someone because she thinks they’re having a party without her. Seriously how is she old enough to have children never mind bloody grandchildren??!!!

Interesting that your husband works abroad, and is SO outraged by his SIL’s affair. I wonder who your husband is sleeping with when in a different country?! Might be worth finding out, and seeing how the extended family treat you when any problems emerge in your marriage?

short version: grow up and stop being nasty/judging a relationship that is none of your business.

Or I just disagree with you.

She’s probably still in a bad place given the treatment of you and others in your family.

I've recently been in a high-dependency unit following a 'near death' experience. I can assure you I wouldn't have wanted anyone seeing me in that state other than those closest to me, and that certainly wouldn't have included my SiL. There must have been a relationship of some kind there at the time.

You say you like your in-laws, so would prefer to appease their pettishness by falling into line with it than behave with even basic civility toward your BiL and SiL. This isn't uncommon. It's the line of least resistance people take to avoid being on the receiving end themselves. Your cooperation won't spare you, did you know this? Your in-laws' rigid inflexibility toward one DiL suggests they could one day behave precisely similarly toward another.

You don't sound as though you even know your own motivation. Look at the last line of your above post. You know your behaviour is off, but you still feel happier. Easier life for yourself? In the longer term it may not be.

Your SiL has my every sympathy.

You seem to be a glutton for punishment then. If this many people told me I was an arsehole, I'd be having a very long hard think about myself.

dont you even care for your bil. To keep this going so long and causing him stress.

you come across like a bully, like you get off on ganging up with the popular kids and sticking it to someone weaker.

its nasty bullying immature toxic behaviour.

have only read all OPs posts.

My BIL was working very hard to financially support his family. He wasn't out drinking,gambling or cheating. He's a good person.

He has decided to put it behind them. She was in a bad place, no support etc (did you support her?) and you know this because you witnessed it.

A miscommunication with your mil is between her and sil not you. Frankly? you sound like a horrible person in respect of your sil. Your other BIL no better, uninviting her from his wedding (presumably he invited his brother? i wonder if that hurt him).

You all need to get your judgy pants off, or at least not so hoiked up your bum cracks that it is addling your brains. You sound petty and mean. In her place, if i got an invitation from you I'd throw it back in your face, tbh, but she does sound as though she's making an effort, that you are just ignoring. Grow up.

I can’t get my head round what I’m reading; I can’t trust her again, I can’t forgive her Shite.

it’s not your place to forgive or trust, she isn’t married to you. Get over yourself.

My gosh OP, that's awful, your sil went through an absolutely horrendous time, had an affair which her and her husband have moved past and you think they deserve to be effectively cut off from the whole family and she deserves to not be spoken to.. Be the bigger person, rise above, shocking that any of you think you're entitled to carry on like that

You'll all need to stop being so controlling and let your BIL get in with his life choices.
They've started again and given it a second chance - the line should have been drawn under it by you all.
Seems very controlling to me and none of your business

So we've two generations of narcissistic women spinning their webs. I'm not blaming you @Lauraleight for trying to keep the peace by taking the easy way out. I've been guilty of this and bitterly regret the way I was manipulated. Of course your MIL would still come to the party it's ammunition for a later date. You've been suckered well and truly by these two.

Never forget if you ever step out of line in their eyes you will be punished in the same way

How is this making you feel then OP?

Your SIL was wrong and she did make a mistake but it is not your place to make judgments about that and her relationship

This had also occurred to me — the OP’s longterm performance of unforgiving outrage suggests a fear that if she forgives and forgets her SIL’s affair, this will suggest to her working-abroad DH that she’d also condone his extramarital fling… Impossible, too, not to see parallels between the SIL at home with children and no support having a breakdown and the OP, whose DH works abroad and who may also feel neglected or unsupported. .

You must surely realise that as an in-law yourself, your MIL will be looking for a new scapegoat soon and you will be the one in the firing line this time?

Who will you turn to when your MIL inevitably treats you like shit at some point?

I think you’ve probably burned your bridges with your poor SIL but you could still do the right thing here if you still have a mind of your own.

I've never experienced having an affair or dealing with my DH having an affair. Ive always thought it was black and white. My parents are together almost 50 years and PIL the same. I've only ever known SIL to have an affair. I have a lot of family support myself and have had mental health issues in the past. I don't know, I still don't know why she did it.

I don't know, I still don't know why she did it.

She told you why. She was ill and didn't feel like she had any support. Life isn't black and white, unfortunately. Good people do bad things. It doesn't mean they are now bad people. What you all are doing to her and her family is bad. Are you now bad people?

@Lauraleight

why on earth would you think we would all say your SIL was wrong?

wrong to want to see her husband and children be part of their own family? Wrong to want to move on from it after her husband forgave her?

she might have been wrong to have an affair but that is nothing to do with you! You don’t get to be judge and executioner on that!

Jeez criminals get sentenced to less than 6 years!!

can you not see the only people you are all bullying and hurting is your husbands brother and children. You are keeping it forever in his mind which is the most painful thing for the person who has been cheated on!

YOU ARE MAKING HIM RELIVE THE AFFAIR EVERY SINGLE XMAS. YOU NOT HER! That makes you all far worse than anything she ever did. You are betraying him more than she ever did by cutting him out.

but sure as long as YOU are happier.

"I've never experienced having an affair or dealing with my DH having an affair."

Don't count your chickens OP, especially with him working abroad for long stints

Why she did it is not your concern. By the way how do you think your behaviour towards SIL has affected your BIL?

Wtf

OP I feel there is some mass gas lighting going on in this thread. PP sound bonkers to me. "You are all far worse than the person who had the affair'. 'You are only pretending to be outraged because otherwise your husband might think it's ok to have an affair'. Calling you cunty and toxic and a bitch. Mental.

It's ok to judge someone having an affair. It's an absolutely horrible, soul destroying thing to do. Mental health is not an excuse. Neither is 'feeling unsupported'. You don't have to pretend to be ok with it if you're not.

That isn't fair.