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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

We don't want my niece to stay with us

501 replies

canthandleniece · 27/09/2022 17:16

My brother and his family are planning on moving to his wife’s home country so that his son can participate in a clinical trial for nerve regeneration.

My brother also has a daughter named Mary (15). She very much does not want to move with them. She doesn’t want to leave her friends behind, wants to continue her schooling here, and does not want to move. My brother has asked if Mary can stay with me and my family while she is in school. He has offered to pay us monthly for her food and utility usage while she is here with us and she will go stay with them during the holidays.

I’m going to be very blunt here. No one (Not me. Not my husband. Not our children) like Mary. It’s not because she’s purposely unkind. She is just incessantly annoying. She talks nonstop. Constantly asks questions. Many of which can be very invasive. She also often interrupts. Often to correct you for something you said. I swear the amount of times she’s gone “well, actually” in an afternoon is enough to drive me insane. I really don’t think she is an unkind person. It seems more like an impulse issue.

We all find it very hard to tolerate though. She is actually the reason we tend to keep family visits on the shorter side. I don’t think having her live with us full time would be a good idea as she would drive us mad, so later on I called my brother and told him it wouldn’t work out.

Brother asked why. He brought up how we have an extra bedroom and how since our son goes to the same school as her so our commute schedule wouldn’t have to change.

I at first tried to just say that I didn’t think we would be a good fit. My brother kept pushing though so I gently told him how the issues she has are very hard for my family to handle and that we couldn’t tolerate her full time.

My brother said Marys life is going to be turned upside down and I wasn’t willing to look past a few quirks and help when it would be everything to Mary to get to stay with us. He ended the call bu saying what a great aunt I was in a sarcastic voice.

OP posts:
notdaddycool · 27/09/2022 17:18

Do what is right for your family. Suggest she stays with a friend.

Hoppinggreen · 27/09/2022 17:18

15 year olds can be a pain in the arse, even when they’re your own
No way would I have one living with me that I really really loved

Hoppinggreen · 27/09/2022 17:20

That I DIDNT really really love I meant

Libre2 · 27/09/2022 17:21

No, you are not turning her life upside down, they are. The obvious solution is one parent goes with the brother and the other stays here with Mary. You absolutely should not feel pressured into something which will radically alter all your day-to-day lives.

Midnights · 27/09/2022 17:22

I think YANBU - it'd be far worse to ignore all of the issues you've mentioned to have her stay, then be unable to continue having her stay when it all becomes too much for your family. Unfortunately you need to prioritise yourself and your DC. It's tough for them, but it's the way the world is.

Your brother needs to not take his frustrations out on you by being sarcastic, it's just probably a hard situation for him too.

RunningFromInsanity · 27/09/2022 17:22

The obvious answer is for one parent to go with the son and one to stay with Mary.

Mardyface · 27/09/2022 17:23

It's not your fault her life is going to be turned upside down. Presumably the move is really necessary for the drug trial but you can 100% guarantee this kid is going to be throwing having been 'abandoned' in his face at some point in the future. No way would I leave my 15 year old behind, she could be as pissed off as she liked about it.

Additionally no way would I have a 15 year old I didn't like to stay. If your kids liked her it would be different, but it is their house/lives/childhood too!

He's pissed off with you because he daren't tell his kid 'no'.

BMW6 · 27/09/2022 17:24

I think I'd have taken her but stamped on her "quirks" straight away (in a non aggressive way and trying to be as kind as possible).

Don't interrupt please, its very rude and annoying.
Well actually Mary its really annoying when you keep saying "well actually"

You could have done her a huge favour.

SirChenjins · 27/09/2022 17:24

Teenagers can be very annoying and often think their opinion is the only one worth listening to! No, you don’t have to look after your niece, that’s a huge commitment and I can understand your not wanting to take that on. I would have stuck with something more generic than ‘your kid’s annoying’ which is effectively what you said (gently or otherwise), and I suspect that will affect your relationship going forward.

InsertPunHere · 27/09/2022 17:24

Your brother is turning is daughter's life upside down (with my sympathy, as it sounds it's a pretty traumatic reason).

I'm sorry his daughter doesn't want to move with them, but that's an issue for them, not you.

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 27/09/2022 17:25

how long are they going to be in his wife’s own country for? Is this a permanent or a temporary move? Permanent and Mary has to go. Temporary and your brother stays here.

ICanHideButICantRun · 27/09/2022 17:25

No way! She sounds incredibly annoying and will disrupt your family life.

I agree with the poster who said one parent should go with the son and one should stay here.

ditalini · 27/09/2022 17:25

Your brother needs to stay with his daughter. 15 is too young imo to be palmed off onto relatives who you aren't very, very close to (and even then, it's not great).

Pumpkinpatchlookinggood · 27/09/2022 17:26

Hell if I had a sibling I would fake a reason to go and leave my 15yo dd behind...
Yanbu to say no op.

FatEaredFuck · 27/09/2022 17:26

You don't have to, but couldn't you house her until next summer for her GCSEs?

jeaux90 · 27/09/2022 17:27

I agree, one parent should stay behind.

PollyPeePants · 27/09/2022 17:27

Think for me it would depend how long it was for. Six months or so, yes I could deal with it. Until she finished school, nope too long (and too long for them to be away from their daughter)

Sux2buthen · 27/09/2022 17:28

I'd do it. Sounds like they need help at a difficult time
I hope the trial goes well

Shinyandnew1 · 27/09/2022 17:28

My brother said Marys life is going to be turned upside down

Then, he or his wife can remain behind. It’s not your problem.

erinaceus · 27/09/2022 17:30

How long would they want the arrangement for? If it is on the order of months, I would consider it. If he is thinking for the next three years, that is a massive ask and would require that Mary and her father recognise the sacrifice you are making which it sound a bit as if they don't.

mrsmccormick · 27/09/2022 17:31

I would find it very very difficult to have someone join my household. Even family, even someone I care about.

I have close friends who i absolutely love and enjoy spending time with. Even then I couldn't live with them.

I definitely couldn't cope with having someone stay with me long term who I disliked and found very annoying.

Is your brother aware that she is difficult to be around?

TequilaNights · 27/09/2022 17:31

He is annoyed because he has made a plan based around you having her, which has now fallen through, and it is him that has made this decision, 1 parent staying behind is the most reasonable for the daughter.

TwoWeeksislong · 27/09/2022 17:33

Boarding school with you as guardians?

Blanketpolicy · 27/09/2022 17:35

I don't think I would have told my brother I didn't like his dc's "quirks". I would have just stuck with saying it was too much of a commitment for your family. It is not just a case of sticking her in your spare room what happens when there are bullying problems, problems with her education, studying, any medical issues, curfews, parties, boyfriend problems etc etc etc.

How long is the clinical trial for? Are they planning to sell house and move permanently. I feel really sorry for Mary, but you are absolutely right to say no.

Noteverybodylives · 27/09/2022 17:39

I absolutely love my nieces and want to spend as much time with them as I can.

However, I definitely couldn’t live with them and it completely changed the dynamic of the household.

I would do as a PP suggested and see if she can’t go to boarding school.

Is this a long term thing?