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Original poster

We don't want my niece to stay with us

501 replies

canthandleniece · 27/09/2022 17:16

My brother and his family are planning on moving to his wife’s home country so that his son can participate in a clinical trial for nerve regeneration.

My brother also has a daughter named Mary (15). She very much does not want to move with them. She doesn’t want to leave her friends behind, wants to continue her schooling here, and does not want to move. My brother has asked if Mary can stay with me and my family while she is in school. He has offered to pay us monthly for her food and utility usage while she is here with us and she will go stay with them during the holidays.

I’m going to be very blunt here. No one (Not me. Not my husband. Not our children) like Mary. It’s not because she’s purposely unkind. She is just incessantly annoying. She talks nonstop. Constantly asks questions. Many of which can be very invasive. She also often interrupts. Often to correct you for something you said. I swear the amount of times she’s gone “well, actually” in an afternoon is enough to drive me insane. I really don’t think she is an unkind person. It seems more like an impulse issue.

We all find it very hard to tolerate though. She is actually the reason we tend to keep family visits on the shorter side. I don’t think having her live with us full time would be a good idea as she would drive us mad, so later on I called my brother and told him it wouldn’t work out.

Brother asked why. He brought up how we have an extra bedroom and how since our son goes to the same school as her so our commute schedule wouldn’t have to change.

I at first tried to just say that I didn’t think we would be a good fit. My brother kept pushing though so I gently told him how the issues she has are very hard for my family to handle and that we couldn’t tolerate her full time.

My brother said Marys life is going to be turned upside down and I wasn’t willing to look past a few quirks and help when it would be everything to Mary to get to stay with us. He ended the call bu saying what a great aunt I was in a sarcastic voice.

OP posts:
blockpavingismynightmare · 27/09/2022 18:58

OP. Why on earth haven't you pulled her for being rude all of the time? I would have done. Anyone who is rude like that needs telling or how else would they know ? Your brother should also tell her why you do not want to have her to stay.

Redqueenheart · 27/09/2022 18:58

@YouPutTheScrewInTheTuna
''Wow... thank god not all families are like this, I can't imagine not doing this for any of my siblings/nieces/nephews. Wouldn't even hesitate and I know they wouldn't for me and my family too, a bit of sacrifice is what you do for the people you love.''

The OP's first responsibility is to her own family: her kids and her partner and to herself. If having someone else is going to cause constant issues within her home she is right not to do this. Those are the people she loves too.

No need to try to guilt trip her into doing something which she knows full well will affect her household negatively.

There are other options.

Mommabear20 · 27/09/2022 18:59

As the parents, it's their responsibility to take care of her, not you! If you'd offered, that would be different, but it's not your job to take on an extra child. YANBU

Solonge · 27/09/2022 18:59

Fizzingmad · 27/09/2022 18:30

Completely agree.

Show quote history

I feel the same…I would take any child that needed a home for a while. You could have discussed with your family and made some house rules. At 15 of course she thinks she knows everything….goes with the age. When my kids were young I spoke to my family and we all agreed if anything happened to any of us, we would look after each others children…..what would have happened if these children were they in need after an accident or similar?

KosherDill · 27/09/2022 19:00

Lots of kids are uprooted in teen years and survive. Mary will too.

whumpthereitis · 27/09/2022 19:02

So even if OP was inclined to take her, it’s not just her decision, is it? Presumably the rest of the family get a say, or at the very least the co-owner of the house does.

As it is, it’s not OP’s responsibility to massively disrupt her own family.

FlissyPaps · 27/09/2022 19:02

OP just say no.

Ignore all the completely ignorant posters saying “I’d do it” “I can’t imagine leaving a child with no where to go”.

This thread isn’t about these posters. It’s about you and your family who don’t want her to live with you. That doesn’t make you bad people.

All you have to do is say no. They are her parents. This is their issue to sort out. Not yours. End of.

Cameleongirl · 27/09/2022 19:03

When my kids were young I spoke to my family and we all agreed if anything happened to any of us, we would look after each others children…

That’s the key point, @Solange, you’ve all agreed. No one should assume that a family member will do this. That’s what has happened here.

urbanbuddha · 27/09/2022 19:03

The OP's first responsibility is to her own family: her kids and her partner and to herself. If having someone else is going to cause constant issues within her home she is right not to do this.

I wonder how the OP will feel in the years to come when one of her children behaves to the other as she is doing to her brother. Because that's what she's teaching them.

PortalooSunset · 27/09/2022 19:04

15 and in Year 11, so taking GCSEs next summer? She'd be finished by mid June so can fly out to be with her family then. Assuming they're not going next week (I'd like to hope they gave you a bit more notice than that!) that's a maximum of 8 months, less 2 half term weeks, 2 weeks at Christmas and 2 at Easter.
I'd probably do it. Caveat is that I love spending time with my nieces and it's my own dc I find spectacularly irritating

FourTeaFallOut · 27/09/2022 19:05

I suppose you are either in one of those 'my little family' units who just superficially oscillate around one another or you are in a one that sees responsibility for the wider family. I guess op's brother was confused about which type he was in.

IsItThough · 27/09/2022 19:06

I have a 15 year old
They ARE annoying

I feel for her a lot. If she is in a GCSE year, and sees her long term future in the UK rather than wherever the family are headed, she will need her qualifications. It is a truly terrible time to uproot a young person. There must be other options.

whumpthereitis · 27/09/2022 19:06

urbanbuddha · 27/09/2022 19:03

The OP's first responsibility is to her own family: her kids and her partner and to herself. If having someone else is going to cause constant issues within her home she is right not to do this.

I wonder how the OP will feel in the years to come when one of her children behaves to the other as she is doing to her brother. Because that's what she's teaching them.

Presumably she’ll respect them as adults, capable of making their own decisions over their own relationships, families, and houses.

Mangogogogo · 27/09/2022 19:07

I know people are saying mehhhh it’s different for each family but you wanted opinions so here’s mine. I would be dreading it! I would probably hate every moment. But for my brother who’s son was poorly enough for nerve regeneration, I would do it in a heartbeat.

FlissyPaps · 27/09/2022 19:07

urbanbuddha · 27/09/2022 19:03

The OP's first responsibility is to her own family: her kids and her partner and to herself. If having someone else is going to cause constant issues within her home she is right not to do this.

I wonder how the OP will feel in the years to come when one of her children behaves to the other as she is doing to her brother. Because that's what she's teaching them.

Nah she’s teaching her DC clear boundaries.

Mary hasn’t been abandoned. She just doesn’t want to move countries. Understandable yes, but her and her parents can’t put this selfish burden on OP.

hattie43 · 27/09/2022 19:08

FWIW I think you've done the right thing . It's not like it's a long weekend this could be a long time you're in charge of a teenager and a teenager who is irritating without actually going out her way to be annoying .

IsItThough · 27/09/2022 19:08

And, tbh I'd probably do it for friends' children or friends of my children. Friends of ours have done similar for a child whose parents had to move for work. It's 8 months max. With 6 weeks holiday.

NoMoneyHun · 27/09/2022 19:09

Do not guilt trip the OP. She's getting enough of that chap from her DB. 🙄

Her DB needs to take responsibility for his children and OP can look after hers.
Yes it's unfair that a 15 Yr old doesn't want to leave but life is unfair and I'm sure she will get over it. Boo hoo.

Why should the OP put her family through an awkward/difficult time? (it's not just the OP who doesn't want her DN at her home, her partner and DC don't!). All on the whims of a teenager and a badly behaved one at that.

Stick to your guns OP.

gogohmm · 27/09/2022 19:09

Depends on how long for, to complete this school year yes I would, they are going for good reason. Beyond 16 for 6th form she can board

Relationshipsaremyenemy · 27/09/2022 19:10

i see both sides here and although you’re family, you should do what works for your family as it would be you guys that suffer if you dislike her that much but then on the other hand I’d like to think my family would step up if I really needed them. Her being 15 means she’s got a really important year coming up with GCSE’s next year and moving to another school could be detrimental to her future and also difficult for her personally. The best solution I can think of is her either staying with a close school friend that you trust or one of the parents stay behind which is probably the better option given that she’s still young and needs looking after by a parent at that age. It doesn’t take two parents to trial a drug for the other child.

Garlicpotatoes · 27/09/2022 19:11

Think very carefully about this, it will not end well!

We took in our niece and nephew, niece for a year, nephew for 2 and a half years. it split the family, things were said that can’t be taken back.
My niece was a wee minx and was not endearing so I know where your coming from. She is not your problem!

Hoppinggreen · 27/09/2022 19:11

DontTrustThisPoster · 27/09/2022 18:23

Actually this thread is really sad, I just can’t imagine not being prepared to put myself out for a year or two to help out close family with a very sick child, and to help my niece stay happy and settled. Mind boggling, actually.

Everyone has different relationships with their siblings/other family
Do you struggle to imagine that?

LovelyIssues · 27/09/2022 19:12

Even if she was the loveliest and sweetest girl in the world I'd still say no! Its way too big an ask!

capricorn12 · 27/09/2022 19:12

We had my niece living with us for 3 years from age 15 to 18 but for quite different reasons which meant that we really had no choice (she would have likely ended up in care otherwise). I am very close to my niece, always have been and she is a lovely girl who was no trouble and got on well with my much younger children.
It was still really hard.
It changes the whole dynamic of your family and alters the way you behave in your own home, for example DH felt he could no longer get up in the morning and go down to the kitchen for a coffee in his boxers and a t shirt: he had to start wearing a dressing gown.
If I had to do it again I would because I love my niece and she needed us at the time but would I recommend it? Absolutely not.
Stick to your guns and don't be made to feel guilty.

Cameleongirl · 27/09/2022 19:12

IsItThough · 27/09/2022 19:08

And, tbh I'd probably do it for friends' children or friends of my children. Friends of ours have done similar for a child whose parents had to move for work. It's 8 months max. With 6 weeks holiday.

@IsItThough It sounds as if the brother has asked for close to 18 months, the OP hasn’t mentioned Mary visiting her parents/sibling over the holidays.

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