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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

We don't want my niece to stay with us

501 replies

canthandleniece · 27/09/2022 17:16

My brother and his family are planning on moving to his wife’s home country so that his son can participate in a clinical trial for nerve regeneration.

My brother also has a daughter named Mary (15). She very much does not want to move with them. She doesn’t want to leave her friends behind, wants to continue her schooling here, and does not want to move. My brother has asked if Mary can stay with me and my family while she is in school. He has offered to pay us monthly for her food and utility usage while she is here with us and she will go stay with them during the holidays.

I’m going to be very blunt here. No one (Not me. Not my husband. Not our children) like Mary. It’s not because she’s purposely unkind. She is just incessantly annoying. She talks nonstop. Constantly asks questions. Many of which can be very invasive. She also often interrupts. Often to correct you for something you said. I swear the amount of times she’s gone “well, actually” in an afternoon is enough to drive me insane. I really don’t think she is an unkind person. It seems more like an impulse issue.

We all find it very hard to tolerate though. She is actually the reason we tend to keep family visits on the shorter side. I don’t think having her live with us full time would be a good idea as she would drive us mad, so later on I called my brother and told him it wouldn’t work out.

Brother asked why. He brought up how we have an extra bedroom and how since our son goes to the same school as her so our commute schedule wouldn’t have to change.

I at first tried to just say that I didn’t think we would be a good fit. My brother kept pushing though so I gently told him how the issues she has are very hard for my family to handle and that we couldn’t tolerate her full time.

My brother said Marys life is going to be turned upside down and I wasn’t willing to look past a few quirks and help when it would be everything to Mary to get to stay with us. He ended the call bu saying what a great aunt I was in a sarcastic voice.

OP posts:
Original poster
canthandleniece · 27/09/2022 18:01

@AffIt
I don't think they have enough money for them to maintain two separate households.

OP posts:
Rightsraptor · 27/09/2022 18:01

Taking on someone else's teenager us not to be undertaken lightly.

Follow your gut.

BrightYellowDaffodil · 27/09/2022 18:01

I still would only commit to end of GCSEs.

What happens then if the parents haven’t returned and they refuse to do so, and Mary refuses to join them? OP will either be stuck with her indefinitely or has to kick a 16 year old out.

Nonewsplease · 27/09/2022 18:03

Personally, I would agree to take her till GCSEs. It sounds as though she's a reasonably nice person who is annoying rather than infuriating. And she's a teenager in GCSE year, so will be either out of the house or in her bedroom most of the time. It also sounds as though the brother needs the support of OP at a very difficult time.

mushroom3 · 27/09/2022 18:03

Would you manage for her to complete her GCSEs? It would be difficult to move anywhere part way through GCSEs .Has she been assessed for ADHD?

Original poster
canthandleniece · 27/09/2022 18:07

@gannett

The trial is for 18 months. Although I was also told they may move back a few months earlier because the visits get more spread out towards the end and they would fly out for those ones. So her staying with us would be for at least a year.

OP posts:
Doingprettywellthanks · 27/09/2022 18:08

out of interest how many times have you spent time with her and when was the last time?

gatehouseoffleet · 27/09/2022 18:08

Such a difficult one OP. Is the boarding school idea an option? Maybe weekly boarding, so you only have her at weekends?

ewright86 · 27/09/2022 18:08

If he doesn’t want to turn his child’s life upside down then they shouldn’t move they should explore other options. At the end of the day, they are a family, so if they’re moving they should all be moving.

dontputitthere · 27/09/2022 18:10

How old are your children? Do they get on with Mary?

I still don't think the onus should be on you to fix this. I get it's a terrible situation it's not like they're going off on holiday. But it sounds like he's acting as if you're the only person who can help.

Can his wife stay with family over there so they only need to run one household?

whatdoyouthinkhmm · 27/09/2022 18:12

canthandleniece · 27/09/2022 18:07

@gannett

The trial is for 18 months. Although I was also told they may move back a few months earlier because the visits get more spread out towards the end and they would fly out for those ones. So her staying with us would be for at least a year.

Which country do you live in and where is his wife’s home country that they want to move to? If they’re both in the same continent then surely the wife and the son can live out there for 18 months and then return? In the meantime, dad and daughter can stay here and visit in the holidays?

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 27/09/2022 18:12

BrightYellowDaffodil · 27/09/2022 18:01

I still would only commit to end of GCSEs.

What happens then if the parents haven’t returned and they refuse to do so, and Mary refuses to join them? OP will either be stuck with her indefinitely or has to kick a 16 year old out.

At 16 there are more options - boarding school (without having disrupted GCSEs), council provision - not ideal but possible, online A levels living abroad etc. I am assuming here that the child is in yr11, half way through whatever syllabus and probably the worst time to move.

godmum56 · 27/09/2022 18:13

I wouldn't do it if you don't feel that you can, and I think that your bro has done this arse about face. Before agreeing to the trial you get stuff like this sorted. If your bro hadn't pushed when you refused, then you wouldn't have had to give any further explanation. Its a very sad situation for everybody but I don't think your bro has handled it well at all.

Doingprettywellthanks · 27/09/2022 18:13

Tbh I would do this.

And if feel happy that my brother trusted me so completely with his daughter

but if the tables were turned and I asked my brother and he explained that it wasn’t going to work, then I wouldn’t hold it against him or pressurise him

TrashyPanda · 27/09/2022 18:14

Have either of them got a job across there?

ancientgran · 27/09/2022 18:15

Is she just starting in year 11? I think I'd do it for her to do her GCSEs although I can see it would be hard. I'm currently bringing up a teenage GS and he knows everything, I'm surprised he hasn't been asked to take over as PM as I'm sure he'd know how to sort the country out but as it is I try to switch off.

I'd try to help because it doesn't sound an easy choice for them, I assume there is some serious medical issue with your nephew and your niece is at an awkward age educationally to move countries. If they were doing it on a whim I wouldn't be happy.

I can understand why what you said upset your brother.

galacticpixels · 27/09/2022 18:16

You're not unreasonable to not want her living with you, and it's simply not your problem to solve.

I adore my nieces but I wouldn't agree to them moving in with me!

Nonewsplease · 27/09/2022 18:17

BrightYellowDaffodil · 27/09/2022 18:01

I still would only commit to end of GCSEs.

What happens then if the parents haven’t returned and they refuse to do so, and Mary refuses to join them? OP will either be stuck with her indefinitely or has to kick a 16 year old out.

That would not be the OP's responsibility, would it? It's also really unlikely to happen.

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/09/2022 18:17

I am presuming they’re renting if they can move abroad and have one household. Or do they own their house? Can they maintain two tiny households? If they can’t, I think I would do it. But I’d need to lay ground rule down with your niece. She will need to be in her bedroom a lot, studying in yr 11, and only has until June. Then, once she’s found her course for year 12, she can fly to be with her parents. If she has lots of friends, perhaps she can go to sleepovers at the weekend. A better solution would be for her to stay with friends tbh.

Perthsmurf · 27/09/2022 18:19

As someone who once took in a relative about the same age for 4 months, I can say YANBU.

I had misgivings, not as bad as yours, but I just wasn’t sure it would work that well.

it wasn’t great for anyone. Our relationship has never been quite the same.

whatdoyouthinkhmm · 27/09/2022 18:20

@Mummyoflittledragon A better solution would be for her to stay with friends tbh.

A better solution would be for dad and Dd to remain in their home whilst mum and son live with mum’s family during son’s medical trial.

CambsAlways · 27/09/2022 18:20

There wouldn’t be a problem I’d say no, I wouldn’t have anyone living with us if none of us liked her, if Mary’s life is going to be turned upside down I can’t see what it’s got to do with you, you can’t take the blame for that, honest to god tell him no

Nonewsplease · 27/09/2022 18:20

I imagine that the brother is under huge stress. His son is very ill and they are uprooting themselves to try to help him. And his own sister isn't prepared to help out. That must be very difficult and upsetting.
OP - are there any other family members who could share the "burden" a bit - eg by having the niece for every 2nd weekend?

Doingprettywellthanks · 27/09/2022 18:21

Nonewsplease · 27/09/2022 18:20

I imagine that the brother is under huge stress. His son is very ill and they are uprooting themselves to try to help him. And his own sister isn't prepared to help out. That must be very difficult and upsetting.
OP - are there any other family members who could share the "burden" a bit - eg by having the niece for every 2nd weekend?

This

i really feel for the brother, desperately

so I can’t imagine how it would be if my sister came to me with this.

DontTrustThisPoster · 27/09/2022 18:21

If I had the room, I think my moral compass would tell me I should take the child in. We are forgetting here that there is a sick child in need of a clinical trial that I presume will be potentially life extending. If my brother asked me to take in the other child whilst they moved to facilitate the trial, I can’t really see me saying no. When I was 15 I was a shit to be honest, but I’d have been desperate to stay in my school with my friends too, and I’d have been eternally grateful if a family member agreed to it.