We don't want my niece to stay with us

[canthandleniece]

My brother and his family are planning on moving to his wife’s home country so that his son can participate in a clinical trial for nerve regeneration.

My brother also has a daughter named Mary (15). She very much does not want to move with them. She doesn’t want to leave her friends behind, wants to continue her schooling here, and does not want to move. My brother has asked if Mary can stay with me and my family while she is in school. He has offered to pay us monthly for her food and utility usage while she is here with us and she will go stay with them during the holidays.

I’m going to be very blunt here. No one (Not me. Not my husband. Not our children) like Mary. It’s not because she’s purposely unkind. She is just incessantly annoying. She talks nonstop. Constantly asks questions. Many of which can be very invasive. She also often interrupts. Often to correct you for something you said. I swear the amount of times she’s gone “well, actually” in an afternoon is enough to drive me insane. I really don’t think she is an unkind person. It seems more like an impulse issue.

We all find it very hard to tolerate though. She is actually the reason we tend to keep family visits on the shorter side. I don’t think having her live with us full time would be a good idea as she would drive us mad, so later on I called my brother and told him it wouldn’t work out.

Brother asked why. He brought up how we have an extra bedroom and how since our son goes to the same school as her so our commute schedule wouldn’t have to change.

I at first tried to just say that I didn’t think we would be a good fit. My brother kept pushing though so I gently told him how the issues she has are very hard for my family to handle and that we couldn’t tolerate her full time.

My brother said Marys life is going to be turned upside down and I wasn’t willing to look past a few quirks and help when it would be everything to Mary to get to stay with us. He ended the call bu saying what a great aunt I was in a sarcastic voice.

This.

Er, no.
Your family home is as important as his.
He needs to suck it up and take HIS daughter and stop putting guilt on you.
Yes, it's unfortunate, but not a situation of your making and not yours to resolve.

“well, actually”

Ugh. My Dsis says this all the time and she's in her 40s. She stayed with me for a week and by the last day i wanted to throw her out for saying "well actually" after I'd said something. Was so happy to see her leave LOL So I know I couldn't deal with that for an extended period of time especially from a teenager.

Do what is right for your nuclear family - it has to work for you, your DH and your own DCs above all before you consider Mary.

It's your bro that needs to move ultimately so he can't make you dance to his tune. He needs to find another solution that doesn't involve you.

Actually this thread is really sad, I just can’t imagine not being prepared to put myself out for a year or two to help out close family with a very sick child, and to help my niece stay happy and settled. Mind boggling, actually.

I’d do it. Why not. There’s so much at stake for your brother and his family and a little annoyance will fade. It’s an adventure. Live a little, save a life ✌🏼

I flatter myself that I could deal with a 15 year old, and am a cool aunt. When my niece was 15 she would wander around my v nice flat making doubting faces and saying everything was weird. Why are your windows like that? So weird. What a weird door. The park outside is weird. Omg so weird 😂

Under the circumstances couldn’t she be fostered by a family? At least they would be caring and want her. Unlike her wider family it seems.

Can she stay with grandparents?

It's just his child? If so, can she stay with his ex (mum)?

I wouldn’t couldn’t do it. The best thing is either they all go or one parent stays behind.

Your brother needs to stay in the U.K. and the mother goes with the sibling to her home country. Assuming she had lots of family for support that to me sounds like the only thing that’s going to work.

It could not be a more difficult age in terms of care. I could go a term or two but no longer. I suspect they will need much longer op.

GCSE year? It would make sense for her to stay put if possible. But I think you could say that she ought to have the support of a parent during her GCSEs. Perhaps offer that you'll have her for three weeks while they get son and one parent settled abroad, but that you think it is best for her if one parent comes back to support her in this important year.

@Nonewsplease I'm sure he's under huge stress, but the problem is that when you ask someone to look after your child for a year or more, you can't automatically expect them to agree to it. It may be the best plan in his mind, but he needs to consider alternatives.

Perhaps the OP would be fine looking after her niece for a shorter time, and then other siblings or grandparents could help out for a while.

This. Unless there is a big backstory.

Poor Mary.

i understand why you don’t want to do it OP, honestly I do. But what a horrible situation for her.

Do you think it’s possible her annoying quirks might calm down after a while of actually living with you? I say this as someone who’s looked after quite a few quirky teens as a foster carer.

She’ll be getting on with GCSE revision before you know it, maybe she won’t be as in your face as you all think.

Again, I know it’s not as simple as all that.

Completely agree.

Me too. This would make things a lot, lot easier for your brothers family and Mary. The inconvenience to you is minimal I’m comparison and if you can just lay down the law a bit at the start it might not be so bad.

in comparison

I would be very surprised if your brother is not aware that his DD can be hard to live with.

I know it is hard for you but I do think that you have to put your nuclear family first. But I would find it hard to say no on the grounds that families need to stick together. Is this open-ended or does this clinical trial have an end-point? I can understand why both parents might wish to be with their son during this trial if he is seriously ill, rather than having one stay at home.

It is a real dilemma. I wish I had a simply answer for you.

YANBU OP.

It would be different if Mary had been refused a visa/had to stay for her own medical treatment or something. But it is simply because she prefers not to move.

Her preference for not moving does not trump OP and her whole family’s life. And Mary’s life would change dramatically anyway even if she moved in with OP.

Your DB was not unreasonable to ask but he’s being unreasonable to imply that you’re shirking your responsibilities. You’re not her parent, he is.

But you couldn't be the cool aunt is this instance - you're the parent. Medical emergency, school issues, boyfriend issues - down to you.

A step mum of sorts (and I've recognised a couple of usernames already that like to jump on SM's already).

It isn't just what she wants though, it is a terrible time to move her from an educational point of view. If the trial is 18 months it's going to muck up her GCSEs and the start of year 12.

I'd do it to help Dbro in this situation.

We never know how the tables in life can turn and if we can't help out loved ones in desperate times then what's the point in any relationship between you and Dbro.

Put your annoyance aside for 6 months.

^ I agree with this. I’m quite shocked really

Your DB’s son sounds like he must be v ill and needing an experimental treatment, and instead of supporting your sibling by taking in their child (who would be at school & being a teen not exactly under your feet) you decline because she is ‘annoying’

What are your plans for who will be guardian of your kids if something happens to you? I hope your siblings & in laws would step up, I would

I'd be sarcastically telling him what a great father he is to just fuck off and leave his kid behind.

Maybe they don't have the money?