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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

We don't want my niece to stay with us

501 replies

canthandleniece · 27/09/2022 17:16

My brother and his family are planning on moving to his wife’s home country so that his son can participate in a clinical trial for nerve regeneration.

My brother also has a daughter named Mary (15). She very much does not want to move with them. She doesn’t want to leave her friends behind, wants to continue her schooling here, and does not want to move. My brother has asked if Mary can stay with me and my family while she is in school. He has offered to pay us monthly for her food and utility usage while she is here with us and she will go stay with them during the holidays.

I’m going to be very blunt here. No one (Not me. Not my husband. Not our children) like Mary. It’s not because she’s purposely unkind. She is just incessantly annoying. She talks nonstop. Constantly asks questions. Many of which can be very invasive. She also often interrupts. Often to correct you for something you said. I swear the amount of times she’s gone “well, actually” in an afternoon is enough to drive me insane. I really don’t think she is an unkind person. It seems more like an impulse issue.

We all find it very hard to tolerate though. She is actually the reason we tend to keep family visits on the shorter side. I don’t think having her live with us full time would be a good idea as she would drive us mad, so later on I called my brother and told him it wouldn’t work out.

Brother asked why. He brought up how we have an extra bedroom and how since our son goes to the same school as her so our commute schedule wouldn’t have to change.

I at first tried to just say that I didn’t think we would be a good fit. My brother kept pushing though so I gently told him how the issues she has are very hard for my family to handle and that we couldn’t tolerate her full time.

My brother said Marys life is going to be turned upside down and I wasn’t willing to look past a few quirks and help when it would be everything to Mary to get to stay with us. He ended the call bu saying what a great aunt I was in a sarcastic voice.

OP posts:
whumpthereitis · 02/10/2022 16:49

I’m sure if he were in his daughter’s position he would not want to live with a relative that didn’t even want him there.

I also imagine that if he were in the one in OP’s position, and didn’t want to play host, he would expect her to respect his ‘no’ and not continue to push it.

As an aside, the ‘do unto others’ thing overlooks the rest of OP’s family, who apparently should just put up and shut up regardless of what they may think and feel.

deepwatersolo · 02/10/2022 18:53

Why ‚put up and shut up‘? Opening one‘s home to a relative for a year doesn’t mean letting her rule over them all. That‘s ridiculous. It just means adjusting life a bit, because one person more uses the bathroom or has an opinion. One wonders how families manage, who take an exchange student for a year, whom they don‘t know at all. Must be real drama and oppression and all…

whumpthereitis · 02/10/2022 20:14

deepwatersolo · 02/10/2022 18:53

Why ‚put up and shut up‘? Opening one‘s home to a relative for a year doesn’t mean letting her rule over them all. That‘s ridiculous. It just means adjusting life a bit, because one person more uses the bathroom or has an opinion. One wonders how families manage, who take an exchange student for a year, whom they don‘t know at all. Must be real drama and oppression and all…

Because they’ve made it quite clear they don’t want her there? It’s their home, they get a say. At least the co-owner of the house does, it’s not like OP can unilaterally decide to move the niece in, even if she were inclined to.

deepwatersolo · 02/10/2022 20:36

So, not getting one‘s way 100% equals having to ‚put up and shut up‘?

With that attitude, clearly, it is not the girl who is the problem.

PoTayToes80 · 02/10/2022 20:50

OP I think you should ask for this to be removed. It could easily be picked up by the Daily Mail, and I imagine that would be supremely shitty for both yours and your brothers families.

For what it’s worth, I think you’re being unreasonable. Your brother has asked for help for him & his daughter in a time of need and you’ve turned them down, not because you can’t help due to finances or other pressures, but because you find his daughter (a kid!) too annoying to be around… and then to make it worse you told him that was your reason. Wtf were you thinking?

I guess if you’re looking for a silver lining at least now he knows something important about you that he didn’t before.

My parents took people in to our house numerous time (cousins, exchange students) and I didn’t always like it (we already had a big family) but I look back now and I’m proud of their generosity and compassion.

MacarenaMacarena · 02/10/2022 20:54

Do they have another relative who might like to house sit in their absence and be a guardian to Mary?
Could they rent out their house and use the proceeds to pay for year 10 and 11 at a boarding school? (could really improve her life chances)

whumpthereitis · 02/10/2022 21:03

deepwatersolo · 02/10/2022 20:36

So, not getting one‘s way 100% equals having to ‚put up and shut up‘?

With that attitude, clearly, it is not the girl who is the problem.

Yes, because the alternative apparently is the OP moving the niece in despite the fact that no one, including the person that owns the house with OP, wants her there. Generally the opinions of the people actually living in the house matter.

deepwatersolo · 02/10/2022 22:23

whump of course the opinions of the people in the house, including the house owner, matter. In fact they reveal all one needs to know about said people.

whumpthereitis · 03/10/2022 07:47

deepwatersolo · 02/10/2022 22:23

whump of course the opinions of the people in the house, including the house owner, matter. In fact they reveal all one needs to know about said people.

Yes, it reveals that they don’t want to have to live with someone they all dislike for at least a year. Not unusual.

deepwatersolo · 03/10/2022 08:26

Well, whump such a hard judgement agains a close teenage (!) relative who hasn‘t done anything but being a smart-ass at times, to the point where you will not help her And your own brother in a very difficult situation is actually quite unusual. And telling.

whumpthereitis · 03/10/2022 09:41

deepwatersolo · 03/10/2022 08:26

Well, whump such a hard judgement agains a close teenage (!) relative who hasn‘t done anything but being a smart-ass at times, to the point where you will not help her And your own brother in a very difficult situation is actually quite unusual. And telling.

Is it though? Reading through this thread should disabuse you of that notion tbh.

They’re not particularly close though, and shared DNA doesn’t necessitate you to like someone, nor be inclined to share your home with them. Obviously you think this makes them bad people, but then this is mumsnet and it seems if someone isn’t ‘compassionate’ on one occasion then it follows that they’re not and never will be compassionate people, ever. Ah well, I’m sure they’ll be fine.

deepwatersolo · 03/10/2022 11:01

I‘m not saying this makes them bad people, I‘m saying this makes them people with way severer issues than whatever they project into ‚annoying niece‘.
Were they well rounded people, this would play out differently. But they are obviously more needy than the loathed girl is, and project their own shortcomings into her.

whumpthereitis · 03/10/2022 11:19

deepwatersolo · 03/10/2022 11:01

I‘m not saying this makes them bad people, I‘m saying this makes them people with way severer issues than whatever they project into ‚annoying niece‘.
Were they well rounded people, this would play out differently. But they are obviously more needy than the loathed girl is, and project their own shortcomings into her.

Lol. It takes a lot more than someone saying ‘I don’t want to live with someone I don’t like’ to diagnose them with issues at all, let alone severe ones. It also requires a psychiatrist, and meeting with them in person over multiple appointments.

Alas, that doesn’t provide the necessary melodrama for the internet though.

deepwatersolo · 03/10/2022 12:26

All I‘m saying is they are self-centered, needy and devoid of compassion plus quite insecure that some smart-assery of a teenager can put them off balance that easily. This doesn‘t mean they necessarily need a psychiatrist, it just means they are not well rounded. And instead of acknowledging that their deficiencies prevent them from taking the girl in, they make it all about the girl being ‚annoying‘.

dontputitthere · 03/10/2022 12:33

deepwatersolo · 03/10/2022 12:26

All I‘m saying is they are self-centered, needy and devoid of compassion plus quite insecure that some smart-assery of a teenager can put them off balance that easily. This doesn‘t mean they necessarily need a psychiatrist, it just means they are not well rounded. And instead of acknowledging that their deficiencies prevent them from taking the girl in, they make it all about the girl being ‚annoying‘.

Fuck me you got that from the op?

Personally I think the situation says a lot about the failings of the girls parents more than anything.

He's utterly failed her as a parent. And his reaction when he didn't get his way says it all.

Hoppinggreen · 03/10/2022 12:47

deepwatersolo · 03/10/2022 12:26

All I‘m saying is they are self-centered, needy and devoid of compassion plus quite insecure that some smart-assery of a teenager can put them off balance that easily. This doesn‘t mean they necessarily need a psychiatrist, it just means they are not well rounded. And instead of acknowledging that their deficiencies prevent them from taking the girl in, they make it all about the girl being ‚annoying‘.

Your insight based on just few sentences written by OP is truly remarkable

Herejustforthisone · 03/10/2022 12:57

deepwatersolo · 03/10/2022 12:26

All I‘m saying is they are self-centered, needy and devoid of compassion plus quite insecure that some smart-assery of a teenager can put them off balance that easily. This doesn‘t mean they necessarily need a psychiatrist, it just means they are not well rounded. And instead of acknowledging that their deficiencies prevent them from taking the girl in, they make it all about the girl being ‚annoying‘.

😆 wow. Mad skills in reading between the lines making shit up to relieve your own misery by being a cunt to the OP there.

coffeeandpoetry · 03/10/2022 13:02

dontputitthere · 03/10/2022 12:33

Fuck me you got that from the op?

Personally I think the situation says a lot about the failings of the girls parents more than anything.

He's utterly failed her as a parent. And his reaction when he didn't get his way says it all.

Show quote history

Utterly failed her as a parent? Because she's a bit of a 'smart arse'? Hmm

dontputitthere · 03/10/2022 13:09

@coffeeandpoetry no. Because she either has SEN issues that have not been looked into. Or she's not been helped with her attitude (which even he admits is annoying). People on here seem to think her aunt who sees her a few times a year should be accountable...

He's also abandoning her to put her brother first. When he could easily stay with her. During her exam year.

I'm not nominating him for father of the year let's put it that way

whumpthereitis · 03/10/2022 14:48

deepwatersolo · 03/10/2022 12:26

All I‘m saying is they are self-centered, needy and devoid of compassion plus quite insecure that some smart-assery of a teenager can put them off balance that easily. This doesn‘t mean they necessarily need a psychiatrist, it just means they are not well rounded. And instead of acknowledging that their deficiencies prevent them from taking the girl in, they make it all about the girl being ‚annoying‘.

Lmaoooo, the drama. I mean, it is complete bollocks, but it is entertaining. It’s really not that complicated: they’re not inclined to want to live with a girl they’re not close to, that annoys them. Very mundane.

I’m curious, do you normally pathologize people who disagree with you? Or do you save it for special occasions?

deepwatersolo · 03/10/2022 15:15

dontputitthere how could dad easily stay with his daughter? It has been established they don‘t have the money for 2 households and there is no family where they move, either, where they could live. And there is also no house to mortage. So, how? Under the bridge?

deepwatersolo · 03/10/2022 15:17

whump of course it is mudane. It isn’t called the banality of evil for nothing.

dontputitthere · 03/10/2022 15:24

deepwatersolo · 03/10/2022 15:15

dontputitthere how could dad easily stay with his daughter? It has been established they don‘t have the money for 2 households and there is no family where they move, either, where they could live. And there is also no house to mortage. So, how? Under the bridge?

This is not the ops problem. Or his daughters.

I would be concentrating all my efforts into that scenario though rather than foisting her into someone else.

whumpthereitis · 03/10/2022 17:05

deepwatersolo · 03/10/2022 15:17

whump of course it is mudane. It isn’t called the banality of evil for nothing.

Fuck me, it’s now veered into referencing Adolf Eichmann 😂

Please continue to reach.

WimpoleHat · 03/10/2022 17:34

Fuck me, it’s now veered into referencing Adolf Eichmann 😂

Yes - I don’t think OP was planning to allow her niece to be packed off to her death. She just doesn’t want to agree to be responsible for another child for an open ended period of time (and neither does the rest of her family).