We don't want my niece to stay with us

[canthandleniece]

My brother and his family are planning on moving to his wife’s home country so that his son can participate in a clinical trial for nerve regeneration.

My brother also has a daughter named Mary (15). She very much does not want to move with them. She doesn’t want to leave her friends behind, wants to continue her schooling here, and does not want to move. My brother has asked if Mary can stay with me and my family while she is in school. He has offered to pay us monthly for her food and utility usage while she is here with us and she will go stay with them during the holidays.

I’m going to be very blunt here. No one (Not me. Not my husband. Not our children) like Mary. It’s not because she’s purposely unkind. She is just incessantly annoying. She talks nonstop. Constantly asks questions. Many of which can be very invasive. She also often interrupts. Often to correct you for something you said. I swear the amount of times she’s gone “well, actually” in an afternoon is enough to drive me insane. I really don’t think she is an unkind person. It seems more like an impulse issue.

We all find it very hard to tolerate though. She is actually the reason we tend to keep family visits on the shorter side. I don’t think having her live with us full time would be a good idea as she would drive us mad, so later on I called my brother and told him it wouldn’t work out.

Brother asked why. He brought up how we have an extra bedroom and how since our son goes to the same school as her so our commute schedule wouldn’t have to change.

I at first tried to just say that I didn’t think we would be a good fit. My brother kept pushing though so I gently told him how the issues she has are very hard for my family to handle and that we couldn’t tolerate her full time.

My brother said Marys life is going to be turned upside down and I wasn’t willing to look past a few quirks and help when it would be everything to Mary to get to stay with us. He ended the call bu saying what a great aunt I was in a sarcastic voice.

Asking you to take on their child for 3 years or more is a huge ask, whether or not she is annoying! Mary has a point, uprooting her from her education at her age is quite unfair and will affect her exams and studies, so if the move is vital, she needs to stay in the UK with one parent while the other takes her brother abroad. It's not ideal, but that's being a parent.

If it were one of our nieces, I can't see us saying no. Much as with your own child, you'd lay out ground rules and gently explain that she needs to pack in the annoying habits. It's tricky without knowing how annoying she actually is, and how much is you just being precious because you won't put yourself to even a tiny amount of bother. I imagine your brother's family are enormously worried about their son at this time, so it seems off not to help in what is likely to be a fairly brief time. How long is the actual trial?

Hell no.

He was fine to ask. But should have stopped when it was a no. Why try and force his daughter onto an obviously unwilling family. He doesn't give a shit as long as it's problem solved as far as he's concerned.

He's making it your problem. Your fault. And it's not. It's his problem to sort out.

Love how he doesn't give a shiny shit about how it affects your family

Both children have two parents, so surely the sensible solution is that one travels with their son, one stays with their daughter?

I'd let my niece stay the year so she can do her gcses.

If she was a well mannered child willing to adopt your family traditions then i would agree to it for her sake, but what you describe sounds very hard in your family, and i suspect your brother is putting some of his own guilty feelings on to you. She has parents and they hold the primary responsibility for this move.

Totally depends on how long it would be.

More than a few months is a pretty serious commitment and I'd be hesitant even for a teenager I liked. All sorts of unknowns that could crop up.

2-3 months, though... that's a length of time where one just sucks it up and steps up to help people we love when they really need it, isn't it? And your brother's family are going through an awful, worrying time. Obviously you don't have to do anything you don't want to, but you can't complain about sarcastic "great aunt" comments because you've earned them.

Something you should be able to say to him is that you need to be able to tell Mary off. If you're expected to do the job of raising her temporarily then you should be able to actually do so. In other words, when she's being annoying tell her so, and tell her to stop it. You're not at the mercy of an irritating teenager's still-developing personality, you're able to shape it - or at least set boundaries so she's less annoying around you.

This

Do what's best for you and your family. You shouldn't be guilt tripped into caring for another child.

I would do it (and help her with her ‘quirks’) as it’s the right thing to do. I have done it, taking in a young adult who wrought havoc on our family life, I got no thanks (in fact, the opposite) but would do it again as it was the right thing to do (and feel I did bring some stability in this girl’s life that was needed at the time).

Poor Mary. I don't think she should stay with you but I also don't think you should speak about her like that.

This^. As they're going to the wife's home country, it probably makes most sense for her to accompany their son and your brother can stay with Mary.

He and Mary can always visit during school holidays if it's for an extended period.

Aunts and uncles aren't substitute parents to dump your children on when it suits, your brother needs to do what's best for BOTH his children.

I would do it. It doesn't sound like they are going on a whim, it sounds important and a difficult time for them all. I would agree to have her until she completes her GCSEs and see how it goes. As another pp said, I would try and sort out her annoying quirks from the beginning but it doesn't sound like she is dreadful! Maybe you could offer to see how it goes until Christmas if GCSEs are too far off.

This 100%

Your brother needs to find a solution for this. Its perfectly reasonable for you to say no, it would be a huge disruption to your life, never mind what Mary is like.

If your brother can't be bothered parenting his own child, then he needs to look at boarding schools or remaining behind to parent her.

I would do it. I'd talk to Mary first - gently, because she's a teenager in a difficult place in her lilife just now - so that she knew there was an expectation that she would alter her behaviour and could make an informed decision about whether or not wanted to live with you.

I would do it but my family is very close and we take being an aunt/uncle seriously. I do wonder if her interrupting and impulse is due to lack of attention at home? It sounds like she has a seriously unwell brother and so she’s sidelined because the family focus is on him and his illness, never on her. I fear you rejecting her will only reinforce the message that she is persona non grata. No one wants her. No one likes her. Her parents are happy to uproot her and derail her education (and potentially life chances) just so her brother can be on some drugs trial. Her aunt and uncle think she is annoying and impossible to even attempt to live with.

I feel very sorry for her. I know her situation isn’t your responsibility or caused by you, but I can’t help feeling this is a family member of yours that needs you and it’s a real shame you won’t offer to help her.

Both children have two parents, so surely the sensible solution is that one travels with their son, one stays with their daughter?

I agree.

Surely this is the best solution.

Unless they need to rent out their home for an income.

Although fine in theory and at the risk of winning MN bingo, it depends why she is like that and whether she actually can change and if it is fair to make her change in GCSE year with a sick brother. If there is any neurodiversity, possibly undiagnosed, then it can be easier said than done 'stamping on quirks'. Of course she might just be intentionally annoying which means it might be possible to challenge her a little but that would need a clear discussion with her before the committment and a trial period. I still would only commit to end of GCSEs.

My sister was the "Mary" in this situation. The whole family moved abroad for a few years, and she spent I think 2 years living with neighbours, and then went to boarding school for 6th form. I never heard any hint of difficulties with the neighbours. Thinking back, they must have been very nice people.

Also wondering why one parent can't stay with Mary

That’s hard for everyone, I can understand why you’d be reluctant but that was a hard thing for him to hear

I think it really depends on the situation, as the nerve regeneration trial obviously has some potential major benefit to the quality of life their son has etc.

How does work and income impact them? How long is the trial for? Are they other options?

If it's a quality of life issue here for his son, I would be trying to find some sort of compromise.

Is your brother doing this because his son has some horrible degenerative condition and this treatment will hopefully improve his quality of life?

If so, I think that changes things. Normally I’d say there’s no way you should put yourself out to that extent especially if the reason you were asked wasn’t essential, but taking your child abroad to participate in a clinical trial isn’t something that any parent is going to do lightly. Your brother’s family genuinely need help, and he’s right that it wouldn’t change your schedule to have Mary stay. She might be irritating but she’s a child, closely related to you and she’s in need. You would be in a position to help her become less irritating if you were ‘parenting’ her.

Me neither.

Oh she talks to much. Maybe she thinks you don't talk enough

If you don't want to have her living with you fine but don't run her down. There are two sides she probably has an opinion of you, you know.