We don't want my niece to stay with us

[canthandleniece]

My brother and his family are planning on moving to his wife’s home country so that his son can participate in a clinical trial for nerve regeneration.

My brother also has a daughter named Mary (15). She very much does not want to move with them. She doesn’t want to leave her friends behind, wants to continue her schooling here, and does not want to move. My brother has asked if Mary can stay with me and my family while she is in school. He has offered to pay us monthly for her food and utility usage while she is here with us and she will go stay with them during the holidays.

I’m going to be very blunt here. No one (Not me. Not my husband. Not our children) like Mary. It’s not because she’s purposely unkind. She is just incessantly annoying. She talks nonstop. Constantly asks questions. Many of which can be very invasive. She also often interrupts. Often to correct you for something you said. I swear the amount of times she’s gone “well, actually” in an afternoon is enough to drive me insane. I really don’t think she is an unkind person. It seems more like an impulse issue.

We all find it very hard to tolerate though. She is actually the reason we tend to keep family visits on the shorter side. I don’t think having her live with us full time would be a good idea as she would drive us mad, so later on I called my brother and told him it wouldn’t work out.

Brother asked why. He brought up how we have an extra bedroom and how since our son goes to the same school as her so our commute schedule wouldn’t have to change.

I at first tried to just say that I didn’t think we would be a good fit. My brother kept pushing though so I gently told him how the issues she has are very hard for my family to handle and that we couldn’t tolerate her full time.

My brother said Marys life is going to be turned upside down and I wasn’t willing to look past a few quirks and help when it would be everything to Mary to get to stay with us. He ended the call bu saying what a great aunt I was in a sarcastic voice.

So its not forever. Your poor brother needs help. even if you fid your niece annoying cant you help your brother? You can manage your niece by stopping the behaviour right at the start and lay ground rules? Your brother is having a difficult time and I would help if I were you.

Apologies if this has already been asked/suggested, but does the wife have any friends or family in her home country nearish the clinic that she and the ds could stay with? Then your db could stay with Mary where they are now?

I'd be contacting my brother in this circumstance and reminding him that he is the one who is actually turning her life upside down, not me.
He should not just ASSUME you would agree to anything just because you are his sister.
You have to put your family first.
However in these circumstances I would be putting my feelings aside as it sounds like your nephew is sick, but I'd tell him you would trial it for a month. If it doesn't work out for YOUR family and DN can't stop her "quirks" (bad manners) then she's flying out to them and staying with mum and dad despite what you agreed.

I don’t really have a sense for how serious your nephews medical condition is, but moving overseas for a medIcal trial would suggest it’s severe.

I would move heaven and earth to support my brother and his family if they were going through something serious like this.

A lot of people are talking like it's just the OP who finds Mary difficult. It's not, it's the whole family - we have no idea how old her kids are and what's going on in their lives, as well as the dh. For all we know her kids could be entering an exam year and need peace and quiet rather than having their home monopolised by their cousin.

@Nonewsplease no, she does not have any family that live close to where the trial is taking place.

Wow... thank god not all families are like this, I can't imagine not doing this for any of my siblings/nieces/nephews. Wouldn't even hesitate and I know they wouldn't for me and my family too, a bit of sacrifice is what you do for the people you love. OP even has an empty bedroom!
Especially in this particularly sad and stressful situation you should be doing whaever you can to help. Not like they are just jaunting off to live abroad because they fancy a bit of sun.

Brother asked why. He brought up how we have an extra bedroom and how since our son goes to the same school as her so our commute schedule wouldn’t have to change.

your brother sounds unbearably pushy and entitled.

I don't often feel glad as an adult that I'm an only child, but...

Mary sounds grim. I wonder if the subtle dynamic of their family life and brother's illness has meant her parents devote most of their time to her sibling and she's desperate for attention? Either way, her parents need to deal with this -- agree entirely with PP who said one should stay behind.

I’d let her stay.

Then again, I’d do anything to help my family if they were dealing with such a sick child.

If you don’t help, please don’t be one of those “it’s awful my nephew is so sick, I just wish there was something I could do” people, because there is, but you’ve decided not to.

I think the underlying issue is that the brother just assumed his sister would fall into line with his plans and then got angry when she didn't, as @NoMoneyHun says. Tbh, I'd probably take Mary in myself, but siblings don't have the right to assume this. You ask.

I'd take her. Your brother is temporarily moving because they need help with their son's health. It isn't a whim. It would be very disruptive for your niece to start over at 15 in a new country and then come back in a year or 2. You have a bedroom. Teens have their own lives pretty much so it wouldn't be that disruptive. I think you're being really harsh about her tbh.

I would personally say she could stay. It's not her fault that her parents are moving abroad, and it's not her fault that her brother is unwell. If she's part of your family for a while, she might lose some of her annoying habits? She'd have to be treated just like any other member of your family, which could be good for her. I had a teenager living with me (along with my own teenagers) for a while for various reasons. It wouldn't have been my first choice - but, again, the situation wasn't of the child's making, and the child needed somewhere to go. There were some arguments between the DC, but of a quasi-sibling nature. So I would do it. However, that doesn't mean that you should, OP.

I have a lot of nieces and nephews, all adults now.
I can honestly say that I would have been willing to take in most of them but my sisters sons for example were awful kids and nothing would have induced me to have them. They are now apparently dreadful adults, haven’t seen them for years fortunately.

Don't feel pressurised.

Your brother is rather unreasonable and should not have assumed that you would take her in.

They have options:

• one parent stays behind with her
• she goes to boarding school
• she follows the rest of the family. After all the ''she doesn't want to'' reason is not good enough is no other option is available.

Yes, me too.

What a horrible position to be in but I do think you are right to say no. I don't think it would be possible for you, your dh and child to hide your dislike of Mary and it would be awful for her when she picks up on it. Also I would imagine it would cause tension in your house which is unfair to everyone.

Some of the schools here take foreign student (second level) so 13 to 18 ish and they stay with host families. Perhaps your brother could see of there is something available. The families here are very well vetted.

bully for you.

having someone living with you permanently is hard. And a teen with no filter and who is already annoying would never succeed.

saying no now minimises potential bad fall out.

m she is the parents responsibility, they need to work out something between themselves that would work. Not expect a huge favour from an aunt.

.

I would do it even if I found her annoying. She's your niece and it sounds like they are going because their other child is unwell?

I’m currently in a situation where I’m going through medical testing (along with another sibling) to see if we can give my dying brother a kidney, he’s not doing well on dialysis with kidney function at 3%. I’m also taking in his daughter as and when needed so she can have some stability and a normal family situation (her mother isn’t on the scene) even though it’s a pain in the arse, even though it’s a huge surgery too, I’m doing it because it’s what you do for family you love.

So excuse me if I think it’s a bit gross you won’t take temporary measures to help out, op.

Unless there’s some huge backstory, the fact you think that you don’t like her is excuse enough to be so selfish is shocking, op.

Your brother is guilt tripping you when he is the one responsible for the move

Stick to your guns

I wouldn’t do it. YANBU.

I also think some of the responses are really sad. Who knows when they might need to ask for help themselves? On the whole, I think that if you are in a position to help someone else, then you should. Especially if that person is a child.

They can't afford to run 2 households and they need to temporarily move because of their son's sake. I can't imagine not helping a family member out.

Do you have kids too?

If yes, this also makes a big difference.

You should not be emotionally blackmailed into taking responsibility for one of his children, when there are two of them who could share the load themselves.

Dumping it on you, is not ok. He can get upset as much as he likes. Its simply unfair to expect you. Its no small thing.