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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He decided he's coming with us without even asking

232 replies

LeakyTapTap · 27/09/2022 13:32

My sister and I are taking the kids to a pumpkin picking thing this weekend. Due to various things I don't get to spend much time with my nephews and it was meant to be a nice day out for all of us. I paid for the tickets for us four.

Sister mentioned it to her partner last night (who isn't the kid's bio dad!) and he's booked a ticket today and told her that he's coming. Never even asked if I minded.

I'm peeved because he always manages to spoil the day - he's quite grumpy/sullen and also expects coffee and stuff bought for him but never offers. It also means I'm going to have to unpack stuff I've got in my car so he can sit in the boot. I'm so annoyed I feel like cancelling the entire thing. I also don't know him very well and feel like I can't relax when he's around.

Aibu?

OP posts:
shipwreckedonhighseas · 27/09/2022 13:34

Hugely annoying.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/09/2022 13:34

Tell your sister right now that this doesn't work for you.

tealandteal · 27/09/2022 13:35

Sit on the boot as in the actual boot? Let her know you don’t have space in the car.

frazzledasarock · 27/09/2022 13:35

I wouldn’t unpack anything. And tell him you’ll meet him there.

also wouldn’t bother myself about whether he gets coffee or anything either.

Midnights · 27/09/2022 13:36

You can't have him sitting in the boot, so he can't come! Sounds a bit controlling.

MangoBiscuit · 27/09/2022 13:36

Tell your sister right now that this doesn't work for you.

This!!

You can't stop him from going, but you don't have to facilitate it.

purplecorkheart · 27/09/2022 13:37

Just tell your sister that you have no room in the car for him and that you will have to meet them there. I would be making very sure that I have a very full boot. Don't offer to buy him a coffee or anything.

WallaceinAnderland · 27/09/2022 13:38

He bought a ticket without asking first if he could have a lift? Nah, let him find his own way there.

BatteryPoweredMammy · 27/09/2022 13:38

Your sister is the one that dropped the ball here. She should have clearly told him that he wasn’t invited.

Tell your sister that he’ll have to find his own way there and don’t offer to buy his coffee. Does he also try to stop her meeting other friends on her own too?

Original poster
LeakyTapTap · 27/09/2022 13:38

Midnights · 27/09/2022 13:36

You can't have him sitting in the boot, so he can't come! Sounds a bit controlling.

It's a seven seater with folding seats in the boot! Should have said "boot seats" sorry!

If I say anything to him, he'll sulk and make my sister's life a misery until we give in and let him have his own way!

OP posts:
KosherDill · 27/09/2022 13:38

I'd cancel.

LoveBluey · 27/09/2022 13:39

How annoying. Will definitely change the day for you. That in itself is annoying but I'd not in a million years let him in my car. Absolutely not. If he wants to go he gets there himself.

Pixiedust1234 · 27/09/2022 13:39

Don't unpack car. Dont fetch him anything, he should be fetching for you (since you need to actually watch the kids), do not pay for anything.

Tell sister you don't want him to come as he always spoils days out. Tell your sister he has to make his own way there. Tell your sister you won't pander to his whims, the children will come first.

Sit back and let her deal. You enjoy the event with the children.

icelollycraving · 27/09/2022 13:41

Your poor sister. I’d be more worried about how she’s ended up with a control freak.

Original poster
LeakyTapTap · 27/09/2022 13:42

icelollycraving · 27/09/2022 13:41

Your poor sister. I’d be more worried about how she’s ended up with a control freak.

I absolutely do! I don't really like him but I also don't want to seem like I'm interfering with her relationships.

OP posts:
WhatNoRaisins · 27/09/2022 13:43

I'd hate this. I don't see any good way out of the situation but I don't blame you for not being happy about it.

Actually I agree with PP, I'd be tempted to make an excuse and cancel.

BMW6 · 27/09/2022 13:44

Then you have a Dsis problem. Tell her you will NOT be giving him a lift to the event as you have no room and are not prepared to move stuff to accommodate him.

If he sulks, so what. If he gets arsey with her - it's up to her to take it or ditch the twat. Win win if she does.

Tell her straight you don't like him and are not going to spend time with him.

Pixiedust1234 · 27/09/2022 13:46

Reading your last post. You don't say anything to him except perhaps saying you can't take him. Do not give a reason why.

AS for making your sister life a misery. You cannot protect her. She needs to see him as he really is. You can talk to her, you can offer her respite, you can support her leaving but you cannot protect her by giving in, it just gives him the green light to ramp it up

hariseldonscalculator · 27/09/2022 13:48

If you do decide to go for your sister and nephews' sakes - dont offer to buy him anything and don't take anything apart from the bare minimum from the boot (I wouldn't make it comfortable for him) or even better tell him the boot seats aren't working so he will have to make his own way there.

Acheyknees · 27/09/2022 13:51

I'd just say to your sister you've decided not to go as you wanted a sisterly catch up and it's not what you planned.

Original poster
LeakyTapTap · 27/09/2022 13:55

He doesn't drive and the event is 50+ miles away so he wouldn't be able to get there. I'd honestly tell him to fuck off but he'll take it out on my sister and I don't want to cause her more stress by being the sticking point, so to speak.

She just can't go anywhere without him (or if she does, he sulks!) and I find it absolutely infuriating. I'd personally not put up with it but I guess that's easy to say when I'm on the outside of the relationship looking in.

My last partner was very much the same sort of control freak and we split up because I couldn't deal with her sulking and throwing strops because I'd dared to do something without her.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 27/09/2022 13:56

If I say anything to him, he'll sulk and make my sister's life a misery until we give in and let him have his own way!

So let the fucker sulk. All you're doing is allowing his abuse to continue by pandering to him. You really aren't doing your sister any favours.

Shgytfgtf111 · 27/09/2022 13:57

Your poor sister, I am assuming he went ahead and booked the ticket without asking her either so she wouldnt be able to say no or have any choice at all?

stressedandunimpressed · 27/09/2022 13:57

Say No. Stick to your guns, he can stomp about and pout like a child all day if he wants. This was a day out for you and your sister with the little ones, my sister is just like this. My brother is even worse, it drives me barmy

YANBU

Thegreenballoon · 27/09/2022 14:01

Slightly off topic - you are driving over 50 miles each way to pick pumpkins a full month before Halloween?

On topic -