He decided he's coming with us without even asking

[LeakyTapTap]

My sister and I are taking the kids to a pumpkin picking thing this weekend. Due to various things I don't get to spend much time with my nephews and it was meant to be a nice day out for all of us. I paid for the tickets for us four.

Sister mentioned it to her partner last night (who isn't the kid's bio dad!) and he's booked a ticket today and told her that he's coming. Never even asked if I minded.

I'm peeved because he always manages to spoil the day - he's quite grumpy/sullen and also expects coffee and stuff bought for him but never offers. It also means I'm going to have to unpack stuff I've got in my car so he can sit in the boot. I'm so annoyed I feel like cancelling the entire thing. I also don't know him very well and feel like I can't relax when he's around.

Aibu?

If your sister refuses to seek help/stand up to him but allows him to come or sulks when you don't invite her then I'd ditch the pair of them and just take your nephew/s.

Classic isolation tactics from a controlling man. Don't let him win. Plaster smile on face, act like everything is fine and ignore him the whole day. Do not let his behaviour force your sister and children to miss out. That is what he wants.

I think it's all well and good us saying tell him to get lost, but the reality is that you're between a rock and a hard place really.

How long have they been together and how is he with your nephews? Does he have any biological children of his own?

Without knowing a bit more I'd add a 4. to the above

Go and make the best of it and then talk to your sister afterwards telling her it wasn't what you planned or wanted and that if he ever pulls something similar again you'll cancel immediately no matter what. How much detail you give depends on how she receives that news. It might be a time to point out that he may be able to manipulate and rule over her, but other people don't put up with that kind of thing.

I wouldn't want to risk her staying with him longer just out of bloody-mindedness or, feeling she couldn't turn to you when she needs support because your relationship's fractured.

On the face of it, it seems easy enough, but I can see how you're conflicted and not wanting to either lose your sister and nephews, or drive her further towards him.

Have you tried to assess whether this creep is being anything but lovely to your nephews? I'd be worried about them as well as your sister. 🙁

just because your sister is dating a control freak doesnt mean you have to put up with him gatecrashing your trip. No your not welcome is quite straightforward. He wont argue with you

This

“It sounds like your sister is in an emotionally abusive relationship and he is deliberately separating her from support, limiting her chance to talk about her problems with someone else who might help her, by ensuring she never gets time alone with other people.”

⬆️ This.

I assume you have a trooper or similar type car with fold down boot seats? not as other seem to be imagining that your stuffing him under tha parcel shelf like a small dog lol.

Frankly I dont see the issue at all, I fully expect when extending an invitation for my siblings and sibling IL to bring there partners along, they dont always as they might be busy but they always know they can.

I would be pretty put out if family invited me and kids but specifical not DH (even before we where married) because they didnt want him there and it has happened before and I have cancelled things over that its pretty disrepectful to our nuclear family to treat him as if hes not a member of the bigger family.

You say you dont like him but also you dont even know him, how are you ever going to get to know him if you exclude him from things?

I bet he'll expect to sit in the front seat as well, what with being A Man.
Don't however see how you can call this off now without risking your sister being even more isolated. He obviously doesn't want her to have a day out without him. Don't indulge any expectations

I agree, don't empty the boot and if you do, don't buy him coffees/food.

I think you and your sister need a frank chat.

Explain to her that you were looking forward to spending time with her and your nephews and that having her bf come will change the dynamics.

My suggestions to her would be that either she tells bf he cannot come with you or she stays at home with bf and you take the boys by yourself.

Depending on your relationship, you could also tell her that you feel like you have to accommodate him because of his sulking and because you don’t want him to take it out on her. I think it’s a lot more important that you put boundaries in place now while it’s still relatively early in their relationship.

You're not doing your sister any favours by pandering to his behaviour

Take him along.

Leave him to find his own way home. Your car will be full of pumpkins after all.

Well you're just enabling his shitty behaviour op. You can absolutely have boundaries and tell him/your sister no.

But your sister enables him to carry on like that, as do you by doing nothing because he'll "sulk". Let him sulk. Dont enable this.

You could try turning this to your advantage. Use this as an opportunity to make him dislike being with YOU.

Be as snippy and passive aggressive as possible. Think of it as a project, and this will be the last time you have to endure him on a solo event.

Throw away your inhibitions and your ‘niceness”, do it all out of earshot of the others and put on a fake prick persona.

This way you don’t put your sister in a tight spot.

Have you never been honest with your sister about what a prick this man is? If not, you need to be.

Why is she with him?

He sounds very controlling.

I would put him in a position where he has no choice but to back out without making your sister responsible.

Could you possibly call him and say "actually, I planned a surprise lunch for the four of us" or "I really need to speak to Dsis in confidence about something so I'm sure you'll understand if we just stick to it being us".

Or something.

Make him feel obliged to pull out graciously to save himself from looking like the wanker he is. We used to do this to my friends ex - put him in a position where he had to behave a certain way to save face and keep looking like a 'fun and reasonable guy' even though he was a controling fucktard.

I thought this, too...Infinitely cheaper to buy them from a greengrocer or supermarket a few days beforehand, so they'll be fresh.

Yes. And what I've done with friends' partners like this is bite my tongue, bide my time, and hope the friend seeks help.

And never ever pander myself. "I think it's your turn to get coffees", "I plan on having a great time so if you're not happy we'll walk around alone" and so on. Model taking no shit, politely. I don't isolate my friends but I don't become another woman who panders.

Tell your sister he should have asked first because you won't have room in the car because of stuff you have packed for the day.

I hate to say this but recent research on women who were murdered by there partner showed that women in emotional and coercive relationships were more likely to be murdered than ones in physically abusive ones.

I do understand why she does this as DH has a nasty habit of sulking if his sports teams don't win.

So I'm guessing that not telling him & just going wasn't an option for your sister.

It seems as though you're stuck unfortunately.

Unless you go alone with all the kids/just yours?

Don’t cancel - that’s mean on the kids as they’ll be looking forward to it.

Not a lot you can do about it, just make it clear in future when things are just for Mums and children.

He sounds abusive. It’s a tricky situation because you don’t want him to cut your sister off from her friends and family.

what does she say about his behaviour? Surely she can see that things being taken out on her is abusive?