He decided he's coming with us without even asking

[LeakyTapTap]

My sister and I are taking the kids to a pumpkin picking thing this weekend. Due to various things I don't get to spend much time with my nephews and it was meant to be a nice day out for all of us. I paid for the tickets for us four.

Sister mentioned it to her partner last night (who isn't the kid's bio dad!) and he's booked a ticket today and told her that he's coming. Never even asked if I minded.

I'm peeved because he always manages to spoil the day - he's quite grumpy/sullen and also expects coffee and stuff bought for him but never offers. It also means I'm going to have to unpack stuff I've got in my car so he can sit in the boot. I'm so annoyed I feel like cancelling the entire thing. I also don't know him very well and feel like I can't relax when he's around.

Aibu?

Huge, endless amounts of sympathy for her. I couldn't stand him but he was her DS father and I could see she was trying to make the best of the situation while he gaslighted her, gave her the silent treatment and treated her like a domestic appliance.

I listened to several years of it without judgement and sucked up him ruining trips like the above. He also pulled stunts like 'happening' to cross paths with us while she'd escaped for coffee for two hours. One time I travelled to meet her in central London from where I live while he was minding their DS. He rocked up where we were having coffee (Euston) despite them living in SW London.

I had huge amounts of sympathy and that was the reason I bit my tongue over it for years.

After several years of listening to it all I told her what I thought - that he was coercively controlling and a bully.

She dumped me. She hasn't spoken to me in two years.

I don't think my sympathy helped any of us, actually, and I regret investing so much time listening to it and hate that I may have enabled it.

Thanks for asking, it's not often that people ask how being the confidante in this situation feel.

Don't cancel on your sister and nephews. Just tell her he is not coming with you. No reason given. Your sister and the kids will need some down time to clear their heads away from him. She may not be aware she is being abused. Some people see being in an abusive relationship as physical or sexual and don't realise there are many other types that can either co occur or occur in their own right. Print out the equality wheel and the power and control wheel to show her in private whenever you get a chance. Some victims of abuse don't recognise the Ill treatment because "but he/she has never hit me and never would" mindset. This isn't the victims fault, it's the way the abusers work their way in and gaslight them to a point where they question their own reality.

If you tell your sister you don't want him coming or don't like him, she'll feel torn between you. This'll probably fit the narrative he's spinning her with him left out or the victim.

Instead really shine a light on his behaviour, ask her "why on earth does he want to come?" "Do you think he has a problem with us hanging out without him?" "Does he always invite you out with his family and friends?" and don't let her brush it off. She needs to reflect on his motivations and draw her own conclusions that he's deliberately sabotaging her fun.

@noomchikka I'm so sorry
These men are fucking poison - ruining the lives of their partners and so many families and friendships.

It sounds like you did everything you could. Your sympathy hasn't enabled it - no doubt your conversations with her would have been respite for her even if she couldn't say that to you or herself.

My friends found me unreliable, distant, distracted, defensive. I feel so guilty about that. I came out the other end. Sorry your friend didn't.

I don't disagree, but isn't it up to the sister to do that and for OP to support sister's choice? Bypassing sister and telling partner to F.O. would serve to alienate sister, no? Probably best not to inadvertently push sister away and risk her becoming isolated from family support. I think this is a complicated and delicate situation.

I'm sorry, too, a mutual friend met with her recently and said things are the same. It's unbearably sad and she and their son have been damaged so much.

And I'm really sorry for what happened to you, but really happy to read that you escaped, that must have taken an awful lot of strength and courage.

Completely agree. All of these 'tell him to fuck off' posts are so childish and short sighted. Supporting her sister should be her number one priority. Getting shirty with this bloke is a sure fire way for him to force her to cut contact with her whole family.

Let him hang out with his kids and take loads of photos of them all together. Leave him with the kids while you and sis get the coffees.

This.

Id also ring the venue and see avout swapping just your tickets so you dont lose out.

IF you end up going, id turn round to him and say 'Its your turn to get the coffees in'

If youve given him a lift aswell there's not much he can say.But no i wouldnt be emptying my car to accommodate a leech.

Yeah my first thought on reading the OP was "There is more to this than a day out".

All you can do is make it clear to your sister that you will always be there for her when/if the scales fall from her eyes. And DONT pay for his coffee!

I can't swap the tickets unfortunately as I'm only in the area for the weekend. The boys also go to their bio dad's on Sun so if I cancel they'll miss out.

We're going because we saw it, it sounded fun and my youngest nephew is currently obsessed with farms 😂

Sister knows she can come to me at any time for support or even just a vent. I don't think he's abusive, just an insecure idiot who can't entertain himself and so needs to be constantly entertained. It would drive me mad, and honestly if I'm reading things right, I don't think they'll be together for much longer.

Has she or he actually asked you if he can come in your car?

That she's hacked off with him for booking the ticket without even asking.

And don't worry, I absolutely know his behaviour is a red flag. I'll see him on Friday and will tell him in person I don't appreciate him forcing his way in like this.

I don't think he's abusive

He is definitely abusive. There's no doubt about that.

Say the boot seats have broken.

Thats actually a really good idea. He can go if he can get himself there.....or will he kick off and try to stop her going?

@namechangetheworld @Mumtobabyhavoc agreed - the isolating is so insidious and these guys are SO good at playing the victim.

You could try the rear seats broken excuse. However if he comes, direct him to buy coffees, you’ve driven after all. There needs to be a bigger conversation with your sister at a later date, state concern around his controlling behaviour. Try and understand the dynamics

Can't you find a number of things to keep in the boot for a short time? Nothing dangerous like gardening tools, but perhaps a bag of manure for your gardens, some cloths you used when checking the oil level, huge bag of itchy, dusty straw for the rabbits/compost heap you're building with the manure as a starter? Maybe 30 bricks for the new compost heap? Bin bag of brambles and rose clippings for the tip on the way back?

Yes, I think you are right. I'd also add that some of the replies, however well-meaning to warn the OP, sound to me like projecting...imho. But, what do I know? 🤷‍♀️

Surely that's worse than just telling her now!

I couldn't pander to someone like this.

Well it currently has six bags of horse feed, a bag of carrots and a couple of new buckets.

Not willing to fight on the day over it because it'll spoil it for the kids.

Sister and me are on the same page. I'm just planning on having a quiet word with her partner when I arrive on Fri.

Two things-

Oy Fred, you'll have to empty my boot, it's full of horse feed!

Oy Fred, next time you aren't coming. Sometimes we sisters want to do our own thing, without our other halves tagging along.