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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He decided he's coming with us without even asking

232 replies

LeakyTapTap · 27/09/2022 13:32

My sister and I are taking the kids to a pumpkin picking thing this weekend. Due to various things I don't get to spend much time with my nephews and it was meant to be a nice day out for all of us. I paid for the tickets for us four.

Sister mentioned it to her partner last night (who isn't the kid's bio dad!) and he's booked a ticket today and told her that he's coming. Never even asked if I minded.

I'm peeved because he always manages to spoil the day - he's quite grumpy/sullen and also expects coffee and stuff bought for him but never offers. It also means I'm going to have to unpack stuff I've got in my car so he can sit in the boot. I'm so annoyed I feel like cancelling the entire thing. I also don't know him very well and feel like I can't relax when he's around.

Aibu?

OP posts:
Mix56 · 27/09/2022 14:01

Do they live together? If so turn up early, with car boot still loaded, & leave.
if hes there say if
oh sorry didn't know you had invited yourself, no room, byeeeee
Your sis can say you gad dome private stuff to discuss
Or that you dont like him
Or simply, actually No, I am having a day out with sis

Thegreenballoon · 27/09/2022 14:02

On topic - I would try your best to focus on your nephews and ignore him/let your sister deal with him. You can’t really just refuse to take him.

FuriousFurious · 27/09/2022 14:02

Seriously, let him sulk. Why are people scared of stupid sulking men?
Take that control away from him and tell your sister that you want to have a nice time with her and the kids and don't want it to be ruined by his immature and pathetic behaviour.

RaininginDarling · 27/09/2022 14:03

This is awful, I'm so sorry OP but I would agree with others: say very sorry but there's no room in the car.

You're not actually helping your sister by appeasing this man. He sounds like he would find a reason to dominate or sulk anyway. She - and her children - need space a way from a man who sounds toxic. And you are able to offer that by having boundaries she's not yet strong enough to hold herself.

TheCatterall · 27/09/2022 14:05

Just don’t buy him coffee etc? make a joke out of it - must be your turn now Cocklodger to get the drinks in. Say with a big cheesy grin. If he doesn’t get one for you and your sister.

at the end of the day he’s a prick. But she’s the one not dealing with it or doing anything about it.

does she feel she can talk to you about how things are?

ColdCottage · 27/09/2022 14:05

I'd rock up and have them all get in the car and when he comes out say "gosh I forgot you were coming, I was on auto pilot, we will meet you there" then hope he can't be bothered to drive himself.

As you arrive make a big deal of a great driving cd you've picked out to sing along to with your sister so she can't opt out and go in his car.

ColdCottage · 27/09/2022 14:06

LeakyTapTap · 27/09/2022 13:55

He doesn't drive and the event is 50+ miles away so he wouldn't be able to get there. I'd honestly tell him to fuck off but he'll take it out on my sister and I don't want to cause her more stress by being the sticking point, so to speak.

She just can't go anywhere without him (or if she does, he sulks!) and I find it absolutely infuriating. I'd personally not put up with it but I guess that's easy to say when I'm on the outside of the relationship looking in.

My last partner was very much the same sort of control freak and we split up because I couldn't deal with her sulking and throwing strops because I'd dared to do something without her.

Sorry I didn't see that he didn't drive.

I'd still do the same but he just won't be able to come full stop. Play stupid. That way he can't be mean to her in the run up aboit you not giving him a lift.

Also get there last minute so you can't waste time taking stuff out - add lots of small stuff which would take ages to move.

BMW6 · 27/09/2022 14:06

Well as YOU are the transport YOU decide if he can get in your car or not.

Tell sis either he doesn't come or you cancel entirely. She can choose to put up with him, but you aren't obliged to in your own effing car!

AriettyHomily · 27/09/2022 14:11

Are the pumpkin places even open yet?!

He can make his own bloody way there.

AlisonDonut · 27/09/2022 14:13

I'd not unpack and then say you will see him there when you pick you sister and the nephews up.

You aren't his bloody chauffeur.

2bazookas · 27/09/2022 14:13

Just tell sis "Sorry, taking Bob with us doesn't work for me, I'll make other plans ."

He didnt seek consent, so you don't have to either.

AlisonDonut · 27/09/2022 14:14

2bazookas · 27/09/2022 14:13

Just tell sis "Sorry, taking Bob with us doesn't work for me, I'll make other plans ."

He didnt seek consent, so you don't have to either.

Yes or this.

FooFighter99 · 27/09/2022 14:16

You say you don't know him very well, so how about giving him a chance and using the trip as an opportunity to be, you know, a grown adult woman and actually try having a conversation with him.

If you go with the expectation that it'll be a shit day out, then it inevitably WILL be a shit day out

Herejustforthisone · 27/09/2022 14:16

He sounds like a controlling abusive cunt.

GreenIsle · 27/09/2022 14:17

Say you can't take him because the boot seats are broke and just make sure you've loads of stuff on top of them.

gamerchick · 27/09/2022 14:19

Why are you pandering to him? It's your sisters choice to be with him, it's not your job to keep the peace.

Tell her it doesn't work for you and you'll make other plans. Or when you get there, go off and do your own thing with your own kids. Telling them you'll meet them back at the car later.

Or tell him he's a prick.

LindseyHoyleSpeaks · 27/09/2022 14:20

I wouldn’t have someone like that in my car and around my children whatever, sister’s partner or not!

BronwenFrideswide · 27/09/2022 14:20

he's quite grumpy/sullen and also expects coffee and stuff bought for him but never offers.

And your pandering to him will make sure he never does quite apart from the pandering to him regarding picking him up. Just stop doing it, I understand the difficulties because of your sister but only she can make the changes required and will not do so whilst you enable him and his treatment of her, you and the children.

Goldbar · 27/09/2022 14:28

I'd tell your sister that there's no room so, if she feels she can't come without him, you'll take your nephews on your own and catch up with her another time. I wouldn't let this idiot spoil the day for the children by sulking and being aggressive.

mtld · 27/09/2022 14:30

Harsh and petty option: Tell him he has to make his own way there because he didn’t ask for a lift / because you won’t move stuff out of your car. Might sound great on Mumsnet but not so much in real life.

Very gentle approach: Let him come but, on the day, say you’re surprised he wanted to come so much as you didn’t think it was his cup of tea. If he’s sulky, don’t just put up with it, ask him what’s wrong. Maybe he doesn’t realise how miserable he comes off. But I’m not sure you want to set the precedent that he can just invite himself along every time.

Middle of the road approach: Tell your sister you intended this a day to catch up with just her and the nephews and you’ll all do something together with him another time. Of course, him having bought a ticket makes this more difficult than it needs to be.

Whatever you do, don’t say nothing at all!

LimeCheesecake · 27/09/2022 14:35

It sounds like your sister is in an emotionally abusive relationship and he is deliberately separating her from support, limiting her chance to talk about her problems with someone else who might help her, by ensuring she never gets time alone with other people.

LookItsMeAgain · 27/09/2022 14:36

Get back in touch with your sister and say that you're sorry but Kevin can't come with you. You don't have the space in the car and your plans were for you and your sister and your kids to go pick a pumpkin. Not with him.
(name changed)

Let him sulk. He's a man child and it's a very unattractive trait in anyone if they sulk because they can't go pick a pumpkin with their partner and her children. Very unattractive.

You don't get to invite yourself on trips like this - and he has to learn that.

purpleboy · 27/09/2022 14:36

Does your sister want him to come?
If she doesn't then she can use you as an excuse to stop him.
If she does, then you either suck it up for her sake or tell her you won't be able to make it and leave her to go with him. (Presuming she drives)?

Nightynightnight · 27/09/2022 14:44

You have three choices -

  1. Go, give him a lift and stick a smile on your face for the kids whilst seething internally.
  2. Cancel and lie to your sister about why you are cancelling.
  3. Cancel and tell your sister the truth about why you are cancelling. Explain that if you had wanted him to come you would have included him in the original plans.

If I were you I would be choosing number three. The other two options run the risk of it happening over and over again. You will get more and more frustrated and you will end up not seeing your sister anyway.

keepcalm11 · 27/09/2022 14:50

Nightynightnight · 27/09/2022 14:44

You have three choices -

  1. Go, give him a lift and stick a smile on your face for the kids whilst seething internally.
  2. Cancel and lie to your sister about why you are cancelling.
  3. Cancel and tell your sister the truth about why you are cancelling. Explain that if you had wanted him to come you would have included him in the original plans.

If I were you I would be choosing number three. The other two options run the risk of it happening over and over again. You will get more and more frustrated and you will end up not seeing your sister anyway.

Another vote for option 3 here