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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He decided he's coming with us without even asking

232 replies

LeakyTapTap · 27/09/2022 13:32

My sister and I are taking the kids to a pumpkin picking thing this weekend. Due to various things I don't get to spend much time with my nephews and it was meant to be a nice day out for all of us. I paid for the tickets for us four.

Sister mentioned it to her partner last night (who isn't the kid's bio dad!) and he's booked a ticket today and told her that he's coming. Never even asked if I minded.

I'm peeved because he always manages to spoil the day - he's quite grumpy/sullen and also expects coffee and stuff bought for him but never offers. It also means I'm going to have to unpack stuff I've got in my car so he can sit in the boot. I'm so annoyed I feel like cancelling the entire thing. I also don't know him very well and feel like I can't relax when he's around.

Aibu?

OP posts:
TwoWrightFeet · 27/09/2022 15:50

Don’t move things out of your car. Just take your sister and the kids and then ask him
how he’s getting there and tell him you look forward to seeing him when he arrives. I’d be tempted to give him my coffee order so he can pick it up on his way.

Musti · 27/09/2022 15:52

oakleaffy · 27/09/2022 15:22

I thought this, too...Infinitely cheaper to buy them from a greengrocer or supermarket a few days beforehand, so they'll be fresh.

Show quote history

It’s not about getting pumpkins though is it? It’s the experience!

Hoppinggreen · 27/09/2022 15:52

LeakyTapTap · 27/09/2022 13:38

It's a seven seater with folding seats in the boot! Should have said "boot seats" sorry!

If I say anything to him, he'll sulk and make my sister's life a misery until we give in and let him have his own way!

Show quote history

Sounds like he will anyway so dont let him come

TrashPandas · 27/09/2022 15:59

Sounds very much like your sister is in an abusive relationship. Would you call Women's Aid and see how you can best support her to leave him?

NewHopeNow · 27/09/2022 16:02

For your sisters sake I definitely wouldn't be taking him. Let him be a nightmare about it, it might prompt her to drop him sooner when you're able to point out how ridiculous he's being.

Mariposista · 27/09/2022 16:02

I'd say to your sister nicely that you were looking forward to just a girls/kids day and to tell her to let you know when she is free for one.

Ponoka7 · 27/09/2022 16:05

Pointing out to a close relative, especially your sister, that they are in an emotionally abusive relationship isn't interfering. One of the things that my DD said to me when she got out of hers was that I was the only one telling her that it was abuse, so she didn't leave sooner. Your Sister will become a shell of herself and this will impact her parenting and your Nephews, this is your business. If you have parents etc, you do need to get together to see what help you can give, to support her to leave. Don't do a lot of these suggestions, they will just cause her to withdraw and she'll be further in. You need a proper, he best conversation with her.

IDidntKnowItWasAParty · 27/09/2022 16:07

Why would you buy him a coffee if he never reciprocates? Stop!

Ponoka7 · 27/09/2022 16:07

Mariposista · 27/09/2022 16:02

I'd say to your sister nicely that you were looking forward to just a girls/kids day and to tell her to let you know when she is free for one.

That would be never. For your Nephews sake, you need to see them face-to-face. She obviously isn't recognising abuse, so the family need to protect the children. They are living with domestic abuse.

WatchingTVagain · 27/09/2022 16:12

Shame you had already agreed to give a lift to your friend and their child/children (however many free spaces in the car) and there's definitely no spare seat in the car! What a shame they also cancel just as you are about to pick them up on the day...

RaraRachael · 27/09/2022 16:19

Years ago OH and I had arranged to take SiL, niece and nephew to an animal attraction and BiL was going to spend the day with his friend. When we went to pick them up, friend's wife was waiting all ready to come with us. There obviously wasn't room in the car for her so she called me all the names under the sun for not letting her come with us. Some people's entitlement is ridiculous.

America12 · 27/09/2022 16:20

I'd cancel

SplendidUtterly · 27/09/2022 16:29

America12 · 27/09/2022 16:20

I'd cancel

Same.

Hitchhikingghosts · 27/09/2022 16:41

Acheyknees · 27/09/2022 13:51

I'd just say to your sister you've decided not to go as you wanted a sisterly catch up and it's not what you planned.

This. Easy peasy.

Poppingmad123 · 27/09/2022 16:43

Another vote for saying no to the CF. He didn’t ask so it’s his own fault. A grown man should be able to sort himself out and pay for his own meals/drinks etc. you just have to say no.

But there’s some context missing? how did your sister react to him coming? Does she want him to come? Did you tell her that you just wanted a day out with her & her children? If not and your sister didn’t realise it, then it’s partly on you. So you could possible cancel the trip if tickets and date can be moved or refuse to take him (nicely) or suck it up for the last time & make it clear he’s not welcome next time. Hope you manage some time alone with your sister and do let her know you are there for her.

RaininginDarling · 27/09/2022 16:46

That's off the scale @RaraRachael 😮

AccountDeactivated · 27/09/2022 16:52

That’s awful of your sister to be inflicting her abusive, controlling boyfriend on her kids, has she read up on how her choice of shag will damage her kids? She should prioritise that, instead of twatting around with pumpkins.

Wonkyjelly · 27/09/2022 16:54

I think you’re being unreasonable tbh. Let the bloke come and spend time building memories with his family too. Him not being the bio dad seems irrelevant, you’ll still see your nephews - what’s the problem? You say you don’t know him very well, well not surprised if you don’t allow him in to family events. He’s probably miserable because he doesn’t feel welcome. As for the coffee, just say “coffees on you” simple.

Americano75 · 27/09/2022 17:01

Herejustforthisone · 27/09/2022 14:16

He sounds like a controlling abusive cunt.

Yeah, this.

Noteverybodylives · 27/09/2022 17:04

Do they live together?

I think your sister has invited him.

There was no need for her to tell him that you’re all going or she could have said there was no room or something.

My friend was like this.
She’d invite her partner to every event and then act like he was controlling when she was the one begging him to go.

Aishah231 · 27/09/2022 17:05

I'd pretend there was a problem with the extra seats so you can't fit him in the car. Or cancel. Either way I'd tell your sister you don't really enjoy meeting with him there - and I wouldn't buy him coffee . Good luck OP

diddl · 27/09/2022 17:12

I think your sister has invited him.

There was no need for her to tell him that you’re all going

If he's controlling/abusive/manipulative she might be used to it.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 27/09/2022 17:13

There must be a back story to this apart from what OP has told us so far.

I'd just say, sorry, not enough room in the car and send the money back to him.

If he pulls a strop over this then let him. Tell your sister you wanted a family day out and if she insists on him coming/is upset then tell her what you've told us here. I only hope that she's not one of these women who's desperate for a man at any cost, even one like this.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 27/09/2022 17:14

Oh he's booked a ticket, let's hope it's refundable! I'd be tempted to say to him/her, if he has the money to book a ticket then he can put his hands in his pocket for coffees etc.

MeridianB · 27/09/2022 17:15

Wonkyjelly · 27/09/2022 16:54

I think you’re being unreasonable tbh. Let the bloke come and spend time building memories with his family too. Him not being the bio dad seems irrelevant, you’ll still see your nephews - what’s the problem? You say you don’t know him very well, well not surprised if you don’t allow him in to family events. He’s probably miserable because he doesn’t feel welcome. As for the coffee, just say “coffees on you” simple.

He's ruined every other gathering. And is potentially abusing/controlling the OP's sister. I wouldn't be 'building memories' with him any time soon.