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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He decided he's coming with us without even asking

232 replies

LeakyTapTap · 27/09/2022 13:32

My sister and I are taking the kids to a pumpkin picking thing this weekend. Due to various things I don't get to spend much time with my nephews and it was meant to be a nice day out for all of us. I paid for the tickets for us four.

Sister mentioned it to her partner last night (who isn't the kid's bio dad!) and he's booked a ticket today and told her that he's coming. Never even asked if I minded.

I'm peeved because he always manages to spoil the day - he's quite grumpy/sullen and also expects coffee and stuff bought for him but never offers. It also means I'm going to have to unpack stuff I've got in my car so he can sit in the boot. I'm so annoyed I feel like cancelling the entire thing. I also don't know him very well and feel like I can't relax when he's around.

Aibu?

OP posts:
WickedSerious · 29/09/2022 08:16

I'd ask your sister how he's planning to get there because there's no room in your car for him.

Novum · 29/09/2022 08:27

Tell him you've already invited another child so there is no room in the car for him.

Doingprettywellthanks · 29/09/2022 08:31

Novum · 29/09/2022 08:27

Tell him you've already invited another child so there is no room in the car for him.

I missed this. Has she?

if not, why on earth would you lie in this scenario?

Bec123456 · 29/09/2022 09:38

I would still go - don't let him spoil the plans you have made! Just completely ignore any grumpiness - any complaints from him and you can point out that he chose to come and the point of the day is to give the kids a fun day and maybe he stays at home next time if he doesn't like being out? (All said politely in a cheery manner with a smile so you aren't seen to be the grumpy/mean person). At least you will have set any expectations for future trips out if he wants to come along.
On a positive side from him - it's nice that he is showing interest in activities with the kids even if he isn't their bio dad. Hopefully this is a plus?
And I would get him to go for the coffees whilst you are busy with the kids! ☕️
Have a fun day and don't let him spoil things!! 🎃

Barney60 · 29/09/2022 10:16

Can you ring up and change the date on the ticket then tell your sister you can't make it today something has come up.
Don't tell her new date till day or night before so he can't change his ticket to same day?

Ishacoco · 29/09/2022 11:04

I've RTFT and I still think the best approach is to tell your sister there's no room in the car, sorry. If either of them demand you start unloading your things then say that you need to take them somewhere immediately after the trip/they've been carefully organised and you don't want to have to do it again.

Fluffmum · 29/09/2022 11:18

He’s a control freak this is how they start

CombatBarbie · 29/09/2022 11:27

Fluffmum · 29/09/2022 11:18

He’s a control freak this is how they start

This, with bells on.

Honestly I'd just say to him there is no space in the car before you arrive so there is no expectation from him and it doesn't cause a scene if the children are around.

If your sister is also annoyed, has she said anything to him or is she afraid of him, your later posts seem to suggest that he may sulk and it's just that's she doesn't want the tension prior to the outing?

Bookworm20 · 29/09/2022 11:41

Does he know that you know he booked a ticket? Do your boot seats come compltely out or just fold down? Because I'd be tempted to take the seats out altogether and then just arrive on friday and say, oh sorry, didn't realise you were coming as I didn'rt get you a ticket, but you can't come with us as I had to take my seats out.

Or say the seats are broken, if they don't come out? Anything so there isn't enough space in the car for him.

petmads · 29/09/2022 12:26

can you change the day and dont tell him as for youre sister im sorry its her problem just be there for her when and if shit hits the fan if hes younger than hes being disrespect full. She need to fuck him off

Mollymoostoo · 29/09/2022 15:30

LeakyTapTap · 27/09/2022 13:42

I absolutely do! I don't really like him but I also don't want to seem like I'm interfering with her relationships.

Show quote history

But you are enabling this behaviour and being part of the dysfunction.

Bugbabe1970 · 29/09/2022 16:36

You are all enabling his shitty behaviour!
Woman up OP
He wasn't invited
Cheeky fucker

BMW6 · 29/09/2022 16:48

I really can't understand why the hell you and your sister are accepting this.

"You are not invited. You are not getting in my car"

RealBecca · 29/09/2022 16:52

Well she needs to dump him sooner doesnt she. Everyone's day out is going to be ruined regardless.

Why should this disease of a man be allowed to spread? Bad enough hes ruining her day and her kids day by inviting himself. You can still go without them both and it means your kids will have fun. So that is the best outcome. Longer she is with him the harder it will be to extract herself.

And with my judges pants on, its beyond irresponsible to have moved a man in so quickly who children and she needs to sort it out before he spoils any more of their childhood.

maddening · 29/09/2022 17:02

Shove him in the boot and if he complains say he wasn't even invited and has caused you a lot of work to accommodate him, I'd he doesn't like it he can leave, additionally at that point lay out that as he wasn't invited and is geggng in on your trip any sign of sulking of moodiness and he will be dropped wherever that is and he will be responsible for getting himself home, he is only welcome if he can maintain an air of civility at the most. And he is responsible for his own refreshments. Lay it out and hope he strops off, and if not you have laid your boundaries down in no uncertain terms.

theresnouseingrumpin · 29/09/2022 17:35

Ff

MeridianB · 29/09/2022 19:20

He is SO going to just get in the front. If he goes in your boot I’ll be stunned.

Ideally you could just leave him in the pumpkin patch, drive your sister home, change the locks and leave his stuff on the doorstep before he can get back.

Stoptheworld1000 · 29/09/2022 20:01

I'd let my kids invite a couple of friends so the seats are filled and there is genuinely no room for him.....can't let the kids down! 🤣

JoJo2306 · 29/09/2022 20:13

If you really cannot stand him, don’t go, say you’ve got a headache. But offer to take your nephews another time as a treat!

Or your other option is to go but stay out of his way and take hold of the boys and have fun.

Don’t mention coffee and if he does, just ignore and turn the other way or say I’m ok for now thanks but you go ahead

ChelseaRobertsofMalibu · 29/09/2022 20:55

@LeakyTapTap I totally agree it's appalling behaviour. I'm unsure what you expected to gain from posting on here though if you've already decided not to say no and to simply allow himself to barge his way in. If you won’t stop it happening then (and I genuinely mean this with empathy) what else can be done? What else can anyone advise? Other than don't allow it.
I'm sure you'll already know this, but here is what is almost certainly going to happen now.

  1. Either he will make sure he's first into the car to secure a decent seat (whichever decent one doesn't have a child seat, declaring himself too big for a boot seat, leaving your sister to sit in the boot) and will commandeer every aspect of the day. Or
  2. Your sister will sheepishly contact you a few days before to tell you she now cannot make it. Potentially adding some unconvincing story as to why, as she knows the above will happen and is trying to save you both from it.

Neither outcomes sound particularly great tbh

Annoyingkidsmusic · 29/09/2022 21:09

Ewwwv this sounds a bit needy/controlling. Why does he even want to go?? If I booked this and didn’t buy a ticket for my partner, he’d be secretly happy that he can watch the match in piece with a pint. Red flags 🚩 to me… sorry. Honestly, just message her and say let’s rearrange another time?

Annoyingkidsmusic · 29/09/2022 21:12

Stoptheworld1000 · 29/09/2022 20:01

I'd let my kids invite a couple of friends so the seats are filled and there is genuinely no room for him.....can't let the kids down! 🤣

This is perfect. Nobody gets offended… if he wants to go that badly he can make his own way there.

Roxy69 · 30/09/2022 00:08

I don't think creating an issue around his behaviour will help your sister. (A friend of mind is in this kind of relationship but she needs to see that for herself and no amount of arguments do any good.) It's a sad fact but until she is ready to take responsibility herself I think you should just support her as best you can. Personally I think I would cancel the jaunt because petrol is too expensive and do something closer to home for a shorter time.

ColdCottage · 30/09/2022 20:00

How did it go OP?

Murdoch1949 · 30/09/2022 23:36

As you're unwilling to tell him he can't go, absolutely no point in this thread.