Page 5 | He decided he's coming with us without even asking

LeakyTapTap · 2022-09-27T12:32:49+00:00

My sister and I are taking the kids to a pumpkin picking thing this weekend. Due to various things I don't get to spend much time with my nephews and it was meant to be a nice day out for all of us. I paid for the tickets for us four. Sister mentioned it to her partner last night (who isn't the kid's bio dad!) and he's booked a ticket today and told her that he's coming. Never even asked if I minded. I'm peeved because he always manages to spoil the day - he's quite grumpy/sullen and also expects coffee and stuff bought for him but never offers. It also means I'm going to have to unpack stuff I've got in my car so he can sit in the boot. I'm so annoyed I feel like cancelling the entire thing. I also don't know him very well and feel like I can't relax when he's around. Aibu?

Wonkyjelly · 27/09/2022 17:17

MeridianB · 27/09/2022 17:15

He's ruined every other gathering. And is potentially abusing/controlling the OP's sister. I wouldn't be 'building memories' with him any time soon.

Show quote history

have I missed something on this thread because I’ve literally only read he’s invited himself and is miserable. There’s not much backstory - unless as I say I’ve missed something.

Doingprettywellthanks · 27/09/2022 17:39

Annoying? Yes

but I wouldn’t make a fuss over it for the only reason that my sister will be caught in the middle.
i would smile and be pleasant.

Doingprettywellthanks · 27/09/2022 17:40

What stuff do you pack for a day trip pumpkin picking? And why on earth have you packed already when it’s not for another 4 days!

Doingprettywellthanks · 27/09/2022 17:42

MeridianB · 27/09/2022 17:15

He's ruined every other gathering. And is potentially abusing/controlling the OP's sister. I wouldn't be 'building memories' with him any time soon.

Show quote history

Could you quote where the op actually says this?

MeridianB · 27/09/2022 17:42

OP has said:
I'm peeved because he always manages to spoil the day - he's quite grumpy/sullen
If I say anything to him, he'll sulk and make my sister's life a misery until we give in and let him have his own way!
I'd honestly tell him to fuck off but he'll take it out on my sister and I don't want to cause her more stress by being the sticking point, so to speak.

We don't know for sure that it's a controlling/abusive situation but it's being flagged as a possibilty - OP may confirm if she comes back. I think the red flags make many posters (inc me) see this as a much darker situation - a man who insists on being with his DP all the time, rather than the grumpy issue.

InsertPunHere · 27/09/2022 17:48

Does your sister need The Freedom Programme?

If she can't go anywhere without him and he punishes her by sulks and strops... if you can't say anything out of a worry that he'll take it out on her later, it sounds like she needs help.

Muddywaters1 · 27/09/2022 17:57

What IPH says. She needs help and now

NotLactoseFree · 27/09/2022 18:08

OP, I have only read your posts and glanced through others so I suspect I am repeating what others have said but....

.... this is a massive massive red flag.

I was the first one to spot the red flags with BIL and SIL but even I didn't clock it at the very beginning with this exact scenario. It was always pitched as, "he just loves being around family (because he doesn't have any)" or similar. And we thought it was a bit odd but just a sign of someone who was a bit needy and would settle down. He also never put his hand in his pocket.

15 years later SIL is a shell of her former self, their DC are a mess and she still isn't rid of him. Plus he's working minimum wage for about 20 hours a week (sometimes) while she works 50+ hours to keep everything together. It's a disaster.

I don't know what you can do but I would start talking to her right now about red flag behaviours. BIL is very clearly a covert narcissist (wish I'd known what that was 15 years ago) and he has destroyed multiple people with his shitty behaviour.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 27/09/2022 18:21

How long have they been together? I think on the face of it, it's great he wants to be involved in the activity involving his partner's children. If they are living together he's the father figure in the kids' day-to-day lives.
Clearly you don't like him. Is it that he's not your cup of tea, and if so, maybe you magnify his perceived flaws; or does your sister tell you more and there may be an actual need for her to get rid of him? Is an intervention necessary? If not, you do have to make the best of it and respect your sister's choice and accept her partner as family. So, much as you may prefer some time alone with sister and kids, he's part of the package unless she tells him she wants alone time. It sucks, I get it ....🤷‍♀️

Monr0e · 27/09/2022 18:29

Does he live with your sister? Is she inflicting this miserable bastard on her dc's? Fair enough if she chooses to be with him, but he'll be ruining the day out for the dc's as well

Kennykenkencat · 27/09/2022 18:29

LeakyTapTap · 27/09/2022 13:55

He doesn't drive and the event is 50+ miles away so he wouldn't be able to get there. I'd honestly tell him to fuck off but he'll take it out on my sister and I don't want to cause her more stress by being the sticking point, so to speak.

She just can't go anywhere without him (or if she does, he sulks!) and I find it absolutely infuriating. I'd personally not put up with it but I guess that's easy to say when I'm on the outside of the relationship looking in.

My last partner was very much the same sort of control freak and we split up because I couldn't deal with her sulking and throwing strops because I'd dared to do something without her.

Change cars for the day. Say yours is off the road and you only have a 5 seater,

Atm it looks like you are treading on eggshells so your dsis doesn’t have to deal. with the fall out if you say no and she can keep living in this false peace when really she needs to have things laid out in front of her and she needs to deal with him

whynotwhatknot · 27/09/2022 18:37

the boot seat is broke he cant come-then he cant get annoyed because its not her fault

CliantheLang · 27/09/2022 18:44

Wonkyjelly · 27/09/2022 16:54

I think you’re being unreasonable tbh. Let the bloke come and spend time building memories with his family too. Him not being the bio dad seems irrelevant, you’ll still see your nephews - what’s the problem? You say you don’t know him very well, well not surprised if you don’t allow him in to family events. He’s probably miserable because he doesn’t feel welcome. As for the coffee, just say “coffees on you” simple.

Your English is excellent... considering that you were born yesterday.

CliantheLang · 27/09/2022 18:47

Mumtobabyhavoc · 27/09/2022 18:21

How long have they been together? I think on the face of it, it's great he wants to be involved in the activity involving his partner's children. If they are living together he's the father figure in the kids' day-to-day lives.
Clearly you don't like him. Is it that he's not your cup of tea, and if so, maybe you magnify his perceived flaws; or does your sister tell you more and there may be an actual need for her to get rid of him? Is an intervention necessary? If not, you do have to make the best of it and respect your sister's choice and accept her partner as family. So, much as you may prefer some time alone with sister and kids, he's part of the package unless she tells him she wants alone time. It sucks, I get it ....🤷‍♀️

I was the child of a woman like the OP's sister. She's not doing her sister or her nephews any favors by enabling the prick.

There's nothing wrong with letting men know that their place is NOT at the center of the universe. And the sooner, the better.

Starfreeze · 27/09/2022 18:48

Yes. And what I've done with friends' partners like this is bite my tongue, bide my time, and hope the friend seeks help. And never ever pander myself. "I think it's your turn to get coffees", "I plan on having a great time so if you're not happy we'll walk around alone" and so on. Model taking no shit, politely. I don't isolate my friends but I don't become another woman who panders Excellent advice from @MrsTerryPratchett

Shinyandnew1 · 27/09/2022 18:50

Sister mentioned it to her partner last night (who isn't the kid's bio dad!) and he's booked a ticket today and told her that he's coming. Never even asked if I minded.

What exactly has your sister said to you?

KittenKins · 27/09/2022 19:17

I hear you want to support your sister, & rightly so, but she has to make her own choices (hopefully soon), until then you have a choice to make. I'd go for telling him I needed some time with my sister & use the time you have together without the kids to talk about what is reasonable in a relationship.

Relationshipsaremyenemy · 27/09/2022 19:22

I see your point, it could be a good opportunity to get to know him better though but your sister could’ve asked you if it was ok before he did anything as I probably would’ve just preferred to spend it with my sister and her kids only. Tell her you wanted to spend some quality time with just her and the kids without her partner being there and they can maybe do something together as a family the next day. It does seem a little intrusive to invite himself without checking it was ok first.

NotLactoseFree · 27/09/2022 19:24

My friend was like this.
She’d invite her partner to every event and then act like he was controlling when she was the one begging him to go.

You have no idea what was happening behind closed doors. In my experience, this is a classic technique whereby the woman feels she has to ask as if she doesn't, she will suffer the consequences - usually sulking, possibly jealous rages etc. But on the surface, it looks like she is being silly and causing the problem.

ClaudiasWinkleMan · 27/09/2022 19:24

Massive red flags. His behaviour is really controlling. She needs to run for the hills. I heard something really disturbing on the radio about the majority of women killed by their partners started out through coercive control.
I know it’s a huge jump and by no means am I saying this is her situation but his controlling behaviour is a huge worry. Why can’t she go anywhere without him. Why is he around her kids? Does he live with her?
mid she was my sister I’d be getting her to leave him.

noomchikka · 27/09/2022 19:27

Urgh, I feel your pain.

I had a friend in a coercively controlling relationship. We arranged an airbnb weekend just me her and our kids. Her DH decided he was coming too. I told her I didn't feel comfortable about it but ended up going for one night to keep the peace. As soon as we left her DH spent the next day doing work on his laptop ignoring her and her DS.

So un self aware of him, but I was also pissed off that my friend wouldn't tell him he coulnd't come and she framed it as some weird kind of trying to get us to get on trip (like Joey and Janice's day of fun on Friends).

I wish I hadn't gone. Don't let him come, I'd honestly cancel in your shoes having endured this hideous dynamic, you don't have to be complicit in his control of her.

Wibbly1008 · 27/09/2022 19:28

LeakyTapTap · 27/09/2022 13:42

I absolutely do! I don't really like him but I also don't want to seem like I'm interfering with her relationships.

Show quote history

you won’t make things worst for her (because he is clearly already a nut), but you would be standing your ground and not getting involved in “their” issues. Tell them you will meet them there, then when he pisses you off, you can leave ….before coffeegate kicks off…

pinkyredrose · 27/09/2022 19:34

Wonkyjelly · 27/09/2022 16:54

I think you’re being unreasonable tbh. Let the bloke come and spend time building memories with his family too. Him not being the bio dad seems irrelevant, you’ll still see your nephews - what’s the problem? You say you don’t know him very well, well not surprised if you don’t allow him in to family events. He’s probably miserable because he doesn’t feel welcome. As for the coffee, just say “coffees on you” simple.

Lol. Seriously?

AndImFeelingBlue · 27/09/2022 19:35

I used to be in a controlling relationship and it was so awful when he insisted on coming to family stuff and I could tell family were upset that he invited himself - I was too scared of his moods to say no. I know it's hard to understand when looking in - like "why don't you just say no and if he sulks or get angry - tell him to get a grip or just leave him" but it doesn't work like that. If it was easy to leave or stop controlling behaviours then there wouldn't so many domestic abuse charities!

Not letting your partner go anywhere without you, sulking, controlling the situation, the fact his presence makes you so uncomfortable- it's all screaming controlling behaviour which now very much counts as abuse and is illegal. I know it's bloody annoying that hes coming but honestly my response would be one of concern

I'd message her or call her even and say wouldn't it be nice if it was just you 4, and if she says oh he has to come, just say something gentle like "he doesn't always get to come with you, you are allowed your own life, if you ever want to talk I'm here" and just leave it like that. Just little reminders that you've got her back and that she doesn't have to put up with it.

Honestly I bet you think this sounds OTT but I have literally said those words to my family "oh he has to come because he'll sulk otherwise...." (nervous laugh)...what I meant was I didn't feel I could get away from him.

AndImFeelingBlue · 27/09/2022 19:39

@noomchikka Didn't you feel any sympathy for her?

Controlling coercive relationships are just that....someone is controlling you and you're scared of them....or scared of upsetting them. It's horrendous

I remember crying in a supermarket because I couldn't remember what type of orange juice he'd asked for. You'll think that sounds absolutely pathetic I'm sure...but when you're under someone's control its like you lose all perspective, all self esteem. I know my friends were frustrated with me too but I promise its so much worse for the victim

Also everyone saying about interfering- pls interfere. Just say you're there for them and ready to talk about anything. It's so incredibly lonely living with someone who controls you