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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have no sympathy for DS

162 replies

chucklesatwork · 25/09/2022 15:29

DS is 17, he has a very on/off relationship with his ex and she blocks/unblocks him constantly, DS really likes her so he won't block her and everytime she unblocks him, he thinks this time they'll get back together etc.

I put £80 in his account a month for food at college, the bus etc. He knows this money isn't for anything else. This morning, he told me he needs more money, I asked him why as I only put some in a few weeks ago so he should have some left, after a lot of ‘i don't knows’ he told me his ex asked for £50 and he gave it her and they spoke for a bit until a few days later she asked for more and he said he didn't have it, and she blocked him a few days after that.

I have no sympathy for him as he knows this money is for college but DP (not his dad) has said I'm BU as DS is upset and he has ADHD which makes him more vulnerable.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Doingprettywellthanks · 25/09/2022 15:31

Bloomin heck OP - I wouldn’t think you were his mum on the basis of this thread.

Isaidnoalready · 25/09/2022 15:31

Well I would have zero sympathy but buy him a bus ticket and give him sandwich stuff to make himself lunch no more cash

44PumpLane · 25/09/2022 15:32

YANBU, this is a valuable lesson he has to learn and he should be pleased to have learnt it for £50 rather than significantly more.

If you bail him out, the lesson is lost.

(On another note if the girlfriend is 16 or 17 and you're able to mention it to her parents they may be able to help retrieve it from her, but maybe not. But if it was my daughter I'd want to know she'd done this)

HamiltonFan1 · 25/09/2022 15:32

YANBU

It's a natural consequence, one he needed to learn before 17 but might as well be learning it now

I'd certainly not be putting more money in his account either

TheTurn0fTheScrew · 25/09/2022 15:35

YABU not to have sympathy. He's young, he's naive, he's been had.

YANBU not to give him any more "fun" money, but I'd make sure he had fares for college (bus pass if you don't want to give him cash) and make sure there was food he can grab for a packed lunch.

NoSquirrels · 25/09/2022 15:35

Well, he knows now neither a borrower or a lender be.

Bus fare I’d give him, and packed lunches. He needs to feel the consequences.
You are also down by however much extra bus fare & packed lunches costs you, so he should realise this isn’t OK and you won’t be sympathetic- tell him what that extra money was earmarked for e.g. weekend takeaway that you’ll do without now.

Waterfallgirl · 25/09/2022 15:36

He is in an abusive relationship.
I would yes, it’s a life lesson but he needs support with this.

WaddleAway · 25/09/2022 15:36

I mean, I understand why you’re annoyed, but he’s your son. He’s young, vulnerable and he’s been had. I’d have lots of sympathy, but would explain the money has gone so it’s packed lunches for the next few weeks.

Justmuddlingalong · 25/09/2022 15:37

He either earns more money with jobs around the house or it's a packed lunch and walking until the next £80 is due to be paid into his account.

Beamur · 25/09/2022 15:37

I'd buy him a pass so he can't get fleeced by this woman again!
Plus point him towards making his own lunch for a few days.

Pixiedust1234 · 25/09/2022 15:40

I wouldn't have any sympathy either. Going forward buy him a monthly bus ticket and a tenner a week for food. If he needs more for food he takes packup like many many adults do.

If it really is adhd then he needs to go to gp to help manage it as he can't continue with these kind of bad decisions as an adult, but quite frankly I think it teenager boy hormones

TheHoover · 25/09/2022 15:40

What @TheTurn0fTheScrew said

Birdy1066 · 25/09/2022 15:41

Poor lad. If you can, contact her or her parents and let them know she owes your son the money. What a cow.

EerieSilence · 25/09/2022 15:41

Buy him a pass and let him prepare his own food in the house but no money. Just have a bit of sympathy, he's young, lacks the experience, even older people get fleeced. Just make sure he doesn't have the means for now. Don't slag the girl though, combined with your lack of understanding it will only make him look for sympathies elsewhere.

Allschoolsareartschools · 25/09/2022 15:42

Well she sounds lovely, I hope he's learned what she's really like now. He's wasted his spending money for the month, I'd pay his bus fares & get stuff in for packed lunches.
I'd probably not say anymore about it, he must feel embarrassed

Chdjdn · 25/09/2022 15:44

Sounds like an abusive relationship…..do you not have sympathy for that?

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/09/2022 15:48

He can make himself a packed lunch. Is he going to stop falling for her bs? It’s his life but it’s not your job to fund his poor decision making with your hard earned money. He won’t learn if you enable him.

PeekabooAtTheZoo · 25/09/2022 15:49

Can you give him weekly money so he doesn’t have big sums to mess up with until he’s better at budgeting? I also think you need to talk to your son about red flags, self worth and how to feel worthy of a good person who doesn’t screw him over.
Being cold won’t move him or you forward. He needs warmth and acceptance.

Ladybug14 · 25/09/2022 15:51

How dreadful for him to be in an unrequited love situation. I feel for him

He should be given bus money. Daily, in cash, and he can make a sandwich and take that and crisps/snack for lunch

Have a heart, OP.

SuperCamp · 25/09/2022 15:51

If he has ADHD I would give him his lunch / bus money weekly, not monthly.

Then maybe build to fortnightly when he learns budgeting and to control his impulses.

Original poster
chucklesatwork · 25/09/2022 15:51

I do know the girls parents but DS showed me the messages and she said to him “do you want to give me £50?” so I suspect her parents would use that as an excuse as she didn't exactly ask.

OP posts:
Clingfilm · 25/09/2022 15:52

He can take packed lunches. I'd be tempted to ring her up and ask for the £50 back!

Vapeyvapevape · 25/09/2022 15:55

Your poor lad , he's young and naive and is being played by this girl . She's messing with his emotions and using him for money, he needs your support fgs.

Vapeyvapevape · 25/09/2022 15:57

chucklesatwork · 25/09/2022 15:51

I do know the girls parents but DS showed me the messages and she said to him “do you want to give me £50?” so I suspect her parents would use that as an excuse as she didn't exactly ask.

If her parents think that way , then you can see where she gets it from. I would definitely call them though.

Megapint · 25/09/2022 15:57

Really no sympathy at all?. We're you never stupid & in love?. Sounds like he needs a bus pass & a bit of TLC from his mum. I'd be taking my boy out & trying to build him up a bit so he knows he doesn't have to put up with that shit.