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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have no sympathy for DS

162 replies

chucklesatwork · 25/09/2022 15:29

DS is 17, he has a very on/off relationship with his ex and she blocks/unblocks him constantly, DS really likes her so he won't block her and everytime she unblocks him, he thinks this time they'll get back together etc.

I put £80 in his account a month for food at college, the bus etc. He knows this money isn't for anything else. This morning, he told me he needs more money, I asked him why as I only put some in a few weeks ago so he should have some left, after a lot of ‘i don't knows’ he told me his ex asked for £50 and he gave it her and they spoke for a bit until a few days later she asked for more and he said he didn't have it, and she blocked him a few days after that.

I have no sympathy for him as he knows this money is for college but DP (not his dad) has said I'm BU as DS is upset and he has ADHD which makes him more vulnerable.

AIBU?

OP posts:
SofaLola33 · 25/09/2022 18:10

Really feel for your DS, being manipulated like that at such a young age and with ADHD he is potentially vulnerable. Yes I would be sympathetic to DS and have a word with her parents about her behaviour.
Id make sure my DS has a bus pass and food for college and have a conversation with him about this situation and how it’s not right to take advantage of people the way he’s been taken advantage on and support him moving on.

Rhubarblin · 25/09/2022 18:16

I would set him up with a prepaid card that doesn't allow ATM withdrawals and put the money on weekly. Or go to the bus station and buy a monthly pass? Does the college have any system where you can top the money up like secondary school for food? I'd be looking at solutions to stop it happening again firstly, as he was clearly manipulated by this girl.

I can totally understand why this is frustrating for you but from what you have written he does sound vulnerable.

jays · 25/09/2022 18:21

Wow. You have no sympathy for him? What’s wrong with you! Sorry but I feel so strongly about this, he’s obviously in love with someone who is manipulating him and frankly abusing him and he’s only 17 and doing everything he can to hang on to her. And you have no sympathy for him? Hmmmmm wonder why he was attracted to her personality in the first place. Poor boy.

jays · 25/09/2022 18:22

Floogal · 25/09/2022 16:54

And if she's one of those nasty teenage girls who has other guys similarly wrapped around her finger, he is also running the risk of physical abuse. Sad to say, so many boys and me would do anything for any attention from a girl.
Furthermore, if she wants him to 'leave her alone', she should cease contact with him.

This!

SofaLola33 · 25/09/2022 18:23

chucklesatwork · 25/09/2022 16:10

This girl has told DS multiple times to leave her alone, he tells her he just wants to talk to her so they do for a while then she blocks him again etc so I have no idea why he hasn't learnt and moved on from her as it's been like this for months. Apparently, what led to this was DS telling her he wants to start over their relationship, and yes I am annoyed that she used him but he knew the money wasn't for anything else.

I think it can be quite common that people with ADHD have difficulty around rejection sensitivity. If this is the case for your DS, then his ex constantly blocking and unblocking, may be very triggering and he is constantly having to go through the rejection every time she blocks him again. He’s been coerced into giving her money, likely in the hope of reigniting the relationship, whether she said anything or not, it doesn’t matter, he is likely to have thought it.

You should want to support him through this and help teach him ways to cope and move forward.

Greensleeves · 25/09/2022 18:30

You need to shape up and be his mum, not parrot "I've no sympathy for you" like a supercilious 1980s primary school teacher.

You can support him and give him the love and counsel he needs without condoning unhealthy behaviour. What do you think he learns from being told that his mum has no sympathy for him? Jesus Sad

AMindNeedsBooks · 25/09/2022 18:33

SwanRot · 25/09/2022 16:05

Hopefully, he's learned his lesson but if this was my child, I wouldn't be giving them any more money until it's due. Can't get into college? Lesson learned. No money for food? Lesson reinforced.

Of course, his absence from college will trigger attendance warnings, so that's a further lesson learned. Young people need to realise that actions have consequences and they can sometimes be severe. Then, hopefully, he won't waste any more time or money on this user.

My Mum has no empathy - lesson learned.

AMindNeedsBooks · 25/09/2022 18:40

jays · 25/09/2022 18:21

Wow. You have no sympathy for him? What’s wrong with you! Sorry but I feel so strongly about this, he’s obviously in love with someone who is manipulating him and frankly abusing him and he’s only 17 and doing everything he can to hang on to her. And you have no sympathy for him? Hmmmmm wonder why he was attracted to her personality in the first place. Poor boy.

I really agree with this. I have a son of similar age and have seen girlfriend difficulties. He's still really a child (although I'd think the same if my son was upset at any age!) I genuinely don't understand not feeling anything or people saying he should just miss college and food - as if this girl hasn't done enough damage to him!

I agree with posters saying packed lunch and a bus pass. He is a vulnerable teen. It sounds like he has a lovely step Dad too, which is nice to hear.

Original poster
chucklesatwork · 25/09/2022 19:00

I'm annoyed about the money because I don't just have extra to give him and I doubt she'll pay him back. I'm also annoyed as he didn't ask if he could etc as he surely would've known he’d be left short for the month, I've been doing this for over a year and he has been mostly ok with it, there was one occasion where he spent the money on a game and we talked and he understood it was only for college

OP posts:
Pixiedust1234 · 25/09/2022 19:06

Well thats a different take. I thought she was a nasty piece of work but if he is refusing to leave her alone despite her telling him then maybe, just maybe, getting money off him is her way of shocking him into reality and out of the dream he has of them together. You need to ream him a new one regarding boundaries and consent.

Sally573 · 25/09/2022 19:08

as he surely would've known he’d be left short for the month.
Do you have ANY understanding of ADHD??

FrippEnos · 25/09/2022 19:14

chucklesatwork

As had been said, a bus pass and a packed lunch.
Or if you are going to be nice money for the day.

I know that I will get slated for this due to how you have set this up, but are you sure that the Ex isn't leading him on?

I have seen the leave me alone then lets be mates again as long as you pay by both males and females.

Instead of having no sympathy maybe you could sit him down and try to explain that not everybody is nice, and yes do the boundary talk at the same time.

SofaLola33 · 25/09/2022 19:16

@Pixiedust1234 The ex is constantly blocking and unblocking him. Yes the DS needs to be taught about boundaries etc etc but with the behaviour from the ex, it’s like she’s leading him on! Getting in touch to ask for money, getting to e money, asking for more money and then blocking him when he couldn’t give it to her. Suggests that this may not be the first time she’s played on his emotions, which he is going to have a reaction too, possibly continuously disturbing the process of hun moving on!
The Exs parents should be made aware of her behaviour and also teach her about boundaries!

SofaLola33 · 25/09/2022 19:22

@chucklesatwork the issue of money shouldn’t be the problem. The problem is that your poor DS is clearly being manipulated and very possible led on! ADHD may actually make it more difficult for him to process what is happening, he needs empathy and support, instead of just demanding he block her from everything, treat him like a young adult, explain what’s been happening and try to get him to see it in a different way, maybe if it was happening to a family member or friend.

Contact the exs parents and tell them what she has done and ask them to tell her to block him for good and stop manipulating him.

Pixiedust1234 · 25/09/2022 19:43

SofaLola33 · 25/09/2022 19:16

@Pixiedust1234 The ex is constantly blocking and unblocking him. Yes the DS needs to be taught about boundaries etc etc but with the behaviour from the ex, it’s like she’s leading him on! Getting in touch to ask for money, getting to e money, asking for more money and then blocking him when he couldn’t give it to her. Suggests that this may not be the first time she’s played on his emotions, which he is going to have a reaction too, possibly continuously disturbing the process of hun moving on!
The Exs parents should be made aware of her behaviour and also teach her about boundaries!

I'm guessing she's the same age as him but has to hold all the responsibilities of the on/off relatiinship. Leading him on ffs. Everyone told your son to block her but he didn't but its still her fault. Are you one of these #notallmen types? Stop blaming it all on the girl.

Original poster
chucklesatwork · 25/09/2022 19:51

Yes, I think she is leading him on and at one point DS did realise that as one of her friends told him that she never liked him etc (she couldve just been making it up though but it's what she told DS) and he asked why she'd led him on then and she didn't has a response to that, and another occasion one of his friends told him she was only talking to him when she was bored and he seemed to understand that and they didn't speak for a month or two then they spoke again and it's continued.

OP posts:
HailAdrian · 25/09/2022 20:04

Awww poor lad.

Floogal · 25/09/2022 20:07

arcuk.org.uk/safetynet/examples-of-mate-crime/

OP, seems you're more worried about the money and that girls' feeling than you are your own son's welfare. Hope I'm wrong but sounds like mate crime and really needs nipping in the bud. Does the college have any safeguard policies?

Original poster
chucklesatwork · 25/09/2022 20:19

I do care about DS’s welfare but he wont listen to anyone about how this girl isn't good for him and he should move on.

OP posts:
ManateeFair · 25/09/2022 20:22

He’s a teenager in an abusive relationship. I would be a lot more worried about this than you seem to be. Just because he’s a boy it doesn’t mean he’s not vulnerable to abuse and control.

SofaLola33 · 25/09/2022 20:28

@Pixiedust1234 🤣 Trust me I am far from not all men but I’m also not a Amber Heard’r (or a JD’er, they were both as bad as each other).

They both need to take responsibility. In this situation she should be held to account for manipulating her relationship with him to get money, she clearly was not going to give back!

Yes, he should block her but sometimes it’s not that easy, especially when that person is vulnerable! If the ex had kept him blocked, when she first blocked him, the likeness would be that he would of moved on by now but the constant back and forth from her will have messed with his head.

He needs educating on boundaries and support with moving on. Just telling him to block her, is unlikely to give him the education he needs to make that decision and the right decisions going forward!

SofaLola33 · 25/09/2022 20:29

ManateeFair · 25/09/2022 20:22

He’s a teenager in an abusive relationship. I would be a lot more worried about this than you seem to be. Just because he’s a boy it doesn’t mean he’s not vulnerable to abuse and control.

This!!

glad I’m not the only one seeing this! Is shouldn’t matter if he’s male/female! Abusive behaviour, is abusive behaviour!

GarlicCrackers · 25/09/2022 20:32

blueshoes · 25/09/2022 17:09

@GarlicCrackers thank you for explaining. My dd is in university and has similar issues which I am still trying to work out. Your insight has helped to put some pieces in place for me.

Well done on navigating the world of work successfully. It must be so much harder, so a great achievement.

Show quote history

Quite happy if you want to PM with any questions. ADHD is so complex, people think it’s just about being full of energy or inattentive but there are many layers. There are some quite good resources on instagram as it happens, gives you bitesize info that’s easy to digest

SofaLola33 · 25/09/2022 20:32

chucklesatwork · 25/09/2022 20:19

I do care about DS’s welfare but he wont listen to anyone about how this girl isn't good for him and he should move on.

@chucklesatwork Rather then going into why she’s not good for him (this will just get his back up, it did me when I was in a bad relationship at his age). Maybe think of another way to talk to him about it, maybe how it makes him feel, less about her but how those feelings typically aren’t found in positive relationships.

GarlicCrackers · 25/09/2022 20:34

SofaLola33 · 25/09/2022 18:23

I think it can be quite common that people with ADHD have difficulty around rejection sensitivity. If this is the case for your DS, then his ex constantly blocking and unblocking, may be very triggering and he is constantly having to go through the rejection every time she blocks him again. He’s been coerced into giving her money, likely in the hope of reigniting the relationship, whether she said anything or not, it doesn’t matter, he is likely to have thought it.

You should want to support him through this and help teach him ways to cope and move forward.

Show quote history

Rejection sensitivity is massive. It can dominate our lives, it can stop us from even asking for a cup of tea on the tea round just in case someone says no….