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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have no sympathy for DS

162 replies

chucklesatwork · 25/09/2022 15:29

DS is 17, he has a very on/off relationship with his ex and she blocks/unblocks him constantly, DS really likes her so he won't block her and everytime she unblocks him, he thinks this time they'll get back together etc.

I put £80 in his account a month for food at college, the bus etc. He knows this money isn't for anything else. This morning, he told me he needs more money, I asked him why as I only put some in a few weeks ago so he should have some left, after a lot of ‘i don't knows’ he told me his ex asked for £50 and he gave it her and they spoke for a bit until a few days later she asked for more and he said he didn't have it, and she blocked him a few days after that.

I have no sympathy for him as he knows this money is for college but DP (not his dad) has said I'm BU as DS is upset and he has ADHD which makes him more vulnerable.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Pemba · 25/09/2022 15:57

Like others said, it's quite mean to have 'no sympathy'. He's 17, not used to having his own money, he's been tricked by a rather unpleasant young lady. So I would replace the money this one time but explained that you can't keep doing that. And have a conversation to check if he understands what's happened. Hopefully this should be enough to make him fall out of love and realise what this girl is like.

TimeToGoUpAGear · 25/09/2022 15:59

What struck me op is that it sounds as if your DH is a good stepdad. Very nice to hear.

BattenburgDonkey · 25/09/2022 16:03

How can you have no sympathy? You child is in a bad relationship and got used and blocked by this girl, he’s a teenager, he’s probably pretty upset. Glad I don’t have parents like you! Makes you sound even worse pointing out that he’s more vulnerable that many too.

WYBU to be annoyed at him for giving this money away without consulting you? No of course you wouldn’t, he shouldn’t have done it and you can deal with that with whatever relevant consequences. Can you make him earn some money back?

But seriously, show the kid some empathy and make sure he knows his worth and that it’s the girl that’s the idiot here, not him. Did you never make mistakes as a teenager?

dapsnotplimsolls · 25/09/2022 16:03

How does he feel about her now? Do you think he's likely to still go back to her and possibly give her more money if she snaps her fingers?

SwanRot · 25/09/2022 16:05

Hopefully, he's learned his lesson but if this was my child, I wouldn't be giving them any more money until it's due. Can't get into college? Lesson learned. No money for food? Lesson reinforced.

Of course, his absence from college will trigger attendance warnings, so that's a further lesson learned. Young people need to realise that actions have consequences and they can sometimes be severe. Then, hopefully, he won't waste any more time or money on this user.

Dotcheck · 25/09/2022 16:05

Good good OP

so, in your whole life, no one took advantage of you? Your relationship with their dad ended completely amicably? And all others?

SleepingStandingUp · 25/09/2022 16:09

no sympathy for your young love sick teen being screwed over by a horrid girl? well he knows who to not come to when he needs support

lailamaria · 25/09/2022 16:10

so your son is obviously in an abusive relationship where she's taking advantage of him financially and all you can say is that you have no sympathy, jesus christ op

Original poster
chucklesatwork · 25/09/2022 16:10

This girl has told DS multiple times to leave her alone, he tells her he just wants to talk to her so they do for a while then she blocks him again etc so I have no idea why he hasn't learnt and moved on from her as it's been like this for months. Apparently, what led to this was DS telling her he wants to start over their relationship, and yes I am annoyed that she used him but he knew the money wasn't for anything else.

OP posts:
itsgettingweird · 25/09/2022 16:12

He has adhd. He will be impulsive because his executive function is impaired.

I'd be giving him the money £20 a week.

So I'd start that from this week. I wouldn't allow the bus money not to be paid but would give less and he can take take packed lunches this week.

He clearly can't manage the chunk and you can't afford for him to not to get the bus to college and kick up his education.

BattenburgDonkey · 25/09/2022 16:13

Nobody is saying you shouldn’t be annoyed, we are saying you should have sympathy yes. But from your next post it sounds more like he’s harassing her than anything. Have you talked to him about how he needs to leave her alone? He can’t keep mithering her if she’s repeatedly told him to leave her alone.

AUDHD · 25/09/2022 16:15

ADHD made navigating relationships as a teenager an absolute nightmare for me. I was undiagnosed at the time but I was constantly being taken advantage of by grown men when I was 16/17. I thought I was absolutely in love with them and my feelings were so intense I was completely infatuated.

I felt much more strongly about them than I do about my long term partner now. I’d make myself so poorly and everything in my life felt turbulent. Looking back if I left those men alone I’d have been much happier.

I’d cut him some slack OP. He might not seem vulnerable but he is.

Letthekidsplay · 25/09/2022 16:15

Give him a go Henry card for his money and make it so he can’t make cash withdrawals. That way he can only spend it on bus tickets and food and you’ll be able to see where he spends it. He may object but his judgment isn’t great at the moment.

Pemba · 25/09/2022 16:16

Wow some of you are pretty harsh
This is a young lad (with ADHD?) who has been taken advantage of.

It's not like he's poured the money into slot machines or something (and even then..) Do you all expect your teenagers to be totally sensible and understand everything about the world from about 16? Newsflash most of them still need guidance and sympathetic parenting. Now someone will jump in and say its a life lesson, actions have consequences etc. Well yes I think he's learned that already and hopefully the scales have been ripped from his eyes regarding this girl. Painful enough without further harshness from his mother. I'm sure it won't happen again.

GarlicCrackers · 25/09/2022 16:17

To those of you saying he will learn the consequences, you clearly have no experience with ADHD. We struggle with consequences, so he’s unlikely to learn. Personally I would buy him his bus ticket, and give him weekly money. ADHD is not about hyperactivity, it so complex - things like rejection dysphoria sensitivity make relationships so hard. I can understand why he gave her £50

Im 33, severe ADHD and my mum manages all of my finances. I’m a high achiever, earn a decent wage (not quite broken the next tax barrier) and I categorically cannot handle finances. I get an allowance, I’m being dead serious!

Sandra1984 · 25/09/2022 16:18

SleepingStandingUp · 25/09/2022 16:09

no sympathy for your young love sick teen being screwed over by a horrid girl? well he knows who to not come to when he needs support

This. Your son is a very young adult with ADHD stepping into the world by himself for the first time. Whatever happened to sitting down with him and having a heart to heart conversation and explaining what an abusive relationship is and how his relationship with this girl is abusive?

TwocksAway · 25/09/2022 16:19

he has ADHD which makes him more vulnerable

It really does so you should have a lot more sympathy, along with further discussion about not ever using the money on anything else again.

Porcupineintherough · 25/09/2022 16:20

Vapeyvapevape · 25/09/2022 15:55

Your poor lad , he's young and naive and is being played by this girl . She's messing with his emotions and using him for money, he needs your support fgs.

This.

EarthSight · 25/09/2022 16:22

Pemba · 25/09/2022 15:57

Like others said, it's quite mean to have 'no sympathy'. He's 17, not used to having his own money, he's been tricked by a rather unpleasant young lady. So I would replace the money this one time but explained that you can't keep doing that. And have a conversation to check if he understands what's happened. Hopefully this should be enough to make him fall out of love and realise what this girl is like.

I've lived with several young men who were infantilised and who were years behind even in their 20s, and it starts with things like this. Come on - he's 17 years old, not 7. I would have known not to just give someone £50 in this circumstance when I was 12 years old, nevermind 17. He's been silly, probably because of love. Hopefully he will learn from this experience because he'll be old enough to have his own bank account in a year's time. He should know the value of money by now.

Sally573 · 25/09/2022 16:22

Good grief woman what's wrong with you? The lad is 17 and navigating romance and relationships for the first time. On top of this he has ADHD which you yourself acknowledge has made him vulnerable and certainly isn't going to help him make good decisions! Thank god his stepdad doesn't have a cold black heart like you!

girlmom21 · 25/09/2022 16:23

I'd buy him a bus pass and give him lunch money daily.

Is £4 enough for bus fare and lunch these days?

JulesCobb · 25/09/2022 16:23

Teens make stupid decisions. Teens with adhd can be a whole new level. He does need to experience the consequences though. Can he walk or cycle to college? If not can you loan him the money and reduce his money for the next few months, so he either needs to eat less, walk more or make packed lunches? Also, can you delete the girls number from his phone yourself? She isnt interested and he has asked him to leave her alone. He needs to do that.

PorridgePowered · 25/09/2022 16:26

TheTurn0fTheScrew · 25/09/2022 15:35

YABU not to have sympathy. He's young, he's naive, he's been had.

YANBU not to give him any more "fun" money, but I'd make sure he had fares for college (bus pass if you don't want to give him cash) and make sure there was food he can grab for a packed lunch.

Exactly this. Don't give him the cash, there is no lasting harm of him going a bit short. But the poor lad has had is feelings bruised (for about the zillienth time by the sound of things). 'The first cut is the deepest' and all that....

honestmummy56 · 25/09/2022 16:26

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PixellatedPixie · 25/09/2022 16:27

I think you’ve made him suffer enough by saying you aren’t going to give him more money. I would give him the money. He is only 17 and so does not yet have a fully developed frontal cortex plus he was essentially scammed by someone. Put the ADHD on top of that and it’s totally unfair on him. Most ADHD experts say that kids need to learn by positive reinforcement not by negative! My daughter and older brother both have ADHD and both are very hard on themselves.