Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have no sympathy for DS

162 replies

chucklesatwork · 25/09/2022 15:29

DS is 17, he has a very on/off relationship with his ex and she blocks/unblocks him constantly, DS really likes her so he won't block her and everytime she unblocks him, he thinks this time they'll get back together etc.

I put £80 in his account a month for food at college, the bus etc. He knows this money isn't for anything else. This morning, he told me he needs more money, I asked him why as I only put some in a few weeks ago so he should have some left, after a lot of ‘i don't knows’ he told me his ex asked for £50 and he gave it her and they spoke for a bit until a few days later she asked for more and he said he didn't have it, and she blocked him a few days after that.

I have no sympathy for him as he knows this money is for college but DP (not his dad) has said I'm BU as DS is upset and he has ADHD which makes him more vulnerable.

AIBU?

OP posts:
PixellatedPixie · 25/09/2022 16:27

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

You sound delightful.

Porcupineintherough · 25/09/2022 16:28

You get that ADHD is a disability that affects decision making right @EarthSight ? Do you think a bit of "no nonsense parenting" is going to cure him? ÄŽisabled teenagers don't need infantalising but they do often need extra support.

Minimalme · 25/09/2022 16:28

Just help him. He was coerced into giving money by this girl.

Talk to him about relationships and how this girl's actions constitute abuse.

Plenty of people of this forum have been treated badly by their partners/ex partners. They - like your ds - need support and understanding. And yes, sympathy.

PixellatedPixie · 25/09/2022 16:29

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

I’m sure you never ever made any sort of mistakes when you were a teenager.

honestmummy56 · 25/09/2022 16:29

thanks luv just keeping it real :)

goldfinchonthelawn · 25/09/2022 16:30

Have you taken the time to teach him about abusive behaviour and what a healthy relationship looks like? I would spend some time with him, ask about the girl, why he likes her so much, what he hopes for the relationship and whether it has ever delivered.
I'd try to teach him how to walk away from someone who abuses his affection and make it very clear she is doing that. I have sympathy for him. It is your job to teach him how to navigate his emotional life if it doesn;t come naturally to him.

I would ring the girl's parents and explain that she persuaded him to give her money and then asked for mnore, and that this was money for essentials. You'll learn a lot from how they respond. If they are decent people they'll insist she pays him back.

As PP have said, I'd pay his bus fares and give him packed lunches until the end of the month and ask him to help around the house to earn that bus fare money. Not as punishment, but to understand there's no money fairy. If he gives it away he can't expect you to produce more out of nowhere.

Doggydarling · 25/09/2022 16:30

Forget the money, you need to start teaching your son to respect boundaries, you say this girl has told your son to leave her alone multiple times, thats is exactly what he should do. Is he going to go through life ignoring what he is told by whoever he happens to fancy?

ItsJustLittleOlMe · 25/09/2022 16:30

YANBU, bailing him out will teach him nothing.

Doingprettywellthanks · 25/09/2022 16:31

honestmummy56 · 25/09/2022 16:29

thanks luv just keeping it real :)

How sweet that either name changed or joined mumsnet just to offer your invaluable advice on this thread 😂

Cameleongirl · 25/09/2022 16:31

chucklesatwork · 25/09/2022 16:10

This girl has told DS multiple times to leave her alone, he tells her he just wants to talk to her so they do for a while then she blocks him again etc so I have no idea why he hasn't learnt and moved on from her as it's been like this for months. Apparently, what led to this was DS telling her he wants to start over their relationship, and yes I am annoyed that she used him but he knew the money wasn't for anything else.

Is he harassing her? She sounds unpleasant, but he really does need to leave her alone from now on. As PP’s have suggested, I’d buy him a bus pass and provide the ingredients for packed lunches this month.

Sally573 · 25/09/2022 16:31

@honestmummy56 you're disgusting

Vapeyvapevape · 25/09/2022 16:33

He should stop contacting her , which is easier said than done when you are a teenager in love . If she really didn't want to know him , she would have blocked him once and for all but the fact that she is playing this push me pull you game and taking money from him is plain nasty.

Luredbyapomegranate · 25/09/2022 16:34

You don’t sound like you remember being a teen. They aren’t adults OP. So yes your impatience is unreasonable.

However you aren’t being unreasonable to give him a lesson in tough love. Send him some Tesco vouchers so he can eat. Otherwise leave him to it. You might need to transfer weekly if she’s going to be around for a while.

Severntrent · 25/09/2022 16:34

It sounds like he needs some help with relationships. Maybe if you dont think you're the best person to help him there might be someone at college (is he at college?) or elsewhere that he could chat to?

honestmummy56 · 25/09/2022 16:35

not advice sweet just the truth

honestmummy56 · 25/09/2022 16:35

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Nanny0gg · 25/09/2022 16:36

chucklesatwork · 25/09/2022 16:10

This girl has told DS multiple times to leave her alone, he tells her he just wants to talk to her so they do for a while then she blocks him again etc so I have no idea why he hasn't learnt and moved on from her as it's been like this for months. Apparently, what led to this was DS telling her he wants to start over their relationship, and yes I am annoyed that she used him but he knew the money wasn't for anything else.

You also need to have a chat with your DS about boundaries because he's trampling all over his ex-girlfriend's. He also need to understand that No means No or he's going to wind up in serious bother.

I don't feel quite so sympathetic now

Nanny0gg · 25/09/2022 16:37

Minimalme · 25/09/2022 16:28

Just help him. He was coerced into giving money by this girl.

Talk to him about relationships and how this girl's actions constitute abuse.

Plenty of people of this forum have been treated badly by their partners/ex partners. They - like your ds - need support and understanding. And yes, sympathy.

He's also harassing her!

Original poster
chucklesatwork · 25/09/2022 16:42

Yes, I have told DS that he should leave her alone as he's been asked to etc and he says he does but she friends him again on social media so he messages her.

Even his friends have been telling him to block her and not message her as he's always going to get hurt and he doesn't listen to them, so I doubt he'd listen to me if I said the same about him constantly getting hurt etc

OP posts:
Doingprettywellthanks · 25/09/2022 16:44

=This girl has told DS multiple times to leave her alone, he tells her he just wants to talk

if I were her parents, I’d be considering involving the police

ClocksGoingBackwards · 25/09/2022 16:45

I’d have a huge amount of sympathy for him, but I wouldn’t give him any more money.

Its good for him to learn that sometimes people have selfish motives when they get into relationships and it’s easy to be taken advantage of. Better he learns it now when he’s 17 than when he’s 30 and has something to lose.

shiningstar2 · 25/09/2022 16:46

He is 17. Young love and all that. Seems he is being messed about ...but we all have to learn ..and a bit of understanding while he does it wouldn't go amiss. He won't learn any life lessons you are trying to teach if he's feeling defensive and resentful.
Incidentally does he have any other allowance money he could have used? £20 a week for buses and lunches...£4 a day? I guess doesn't leave much spare to learn with. If he has other money (pocket money) I would say if he was daft enough to finance her he should have done it out of his own pocket money. Nothing like losing your own money to make you learn fast.

BattenburgDonkey · 25/09/2022 16:46

chucklesatwork · 25/09/2022 16:42

Yes, I have told DS that he should leave her alone as he's been asked to etc and he says he does but she friends him again on social media so he messages her.

Even his friends have been telling him to block her and not message her as he's always going to get hurt and he doesn't listen to them, so I doubt he'd listen to me if I said the same about him constantly getting hurt etc

Yeah but you are his mum so it’s your job to try isn’t it. Just like you need to be firmer to make sure he’s not harassing her. You need to be less dismissive of this situation and your responsibility in it basically.

Isaidnoalready · 25/09/2022 16:48

He sounds like he needs a serious boundaries conversation I have sympathy im going through this with my 13 year old adhd/autistic son give him a clear concise no turns into an absolute mantrum complete with banging walls doors and yelling he absolutely will not have the word no means no I pointed out to him this attitude as an adult will get him arrested and he better pack it the hell in and learn faster this did pull him back a bit but he still cannot understand why screaming doesn't get him his way it literally NEVER HAS

Floogal · 25/09/2022 16:51

OP. Wake up and smell the coffee. He IS being abused emotionally and financially. And, if