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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have no sympathy for DS

162 replies

chucklesatwork · 25/09/2022 15:29

DS is 17, he has a very on/off relationship with his ex and she blocks/unblocks him constantly, DS really likes her so he won't block her and everytime she unblocks him, he thinks this time they'll get back together etc.

I put £80 in his account a month for food at college, the bus etc. He knows this money isn't for anything else. This morning, he told me he needs more money, I asked him why as I only put some in a few weeks ago so he should have some left, after a lot of ‘i don't knows’ he told me his ex asked for £50 and he gave it her and they spoke for a bit until a few days later she asked for more and he said he didn't have it, and she blocked him a few days after that.

I have no sympathy for him as he knows this money is for college but DP (not his dad) has said I'm BU as DS is upset and he has ADHD which makes him more vulnerable.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Vapeyvapevape · 25/09/2022 16:53

I think contacting the police is a bit much , especially if she keeps adding him after she's blocked him , this really isn't fair to him. They're immature and inexperienced and sounds like they both could do with a talk about boundaries and acceptable behaviour when it comes to relationships.

TwoWrightFeet · 25/09/2022 16:53

He is having his vulnerability exploited by this girl for financial gain and you have no sympathy? You need to have a talk with him and explain what she is doing is wrong.

Floogal · 25/09/2022 16:54

And if she's one of those nasty teenage girls who has other guys similarly wrapped around her finger, he is also running the risk of physical abuse. Sad to say, so many boys and me would do anything for any attention from a girl.
Furthermore, if she wants him to 'leave her alone', she should cease contact with him.

andtheweedonkey · 25/09/2022 16:57

YANBU to give him cash.
Can you arrange a prepaid card for groceries in future?

Ladybug14 · 25/09/2022 16:59

chucklesatwork · 25/09/2022 16:10

This girl has told DS multiple times to leave her alone, he tells her he just wants to talk to her so they do for a while then she blocks him again etc so I have no idea why he hasn't learnt and moved on from her as it's been like this for months. Apparently, what led to this was DS telling her he wants to start over their relationship, and yes I am annoyed that she used him but he knew the money wasn't for anything else.

The reason he hasn't learnt the lesson yet is because he's 17. He's young and full of hope

Why are you so fixated on the money? Surely it's more important to help him grow as a person?

Mouthfulofquiz · 25/09/2022 17:05

I would want to know if one of my children had coerced their ex into giving them £50. It’s not acceptable. Have you contacted them to ask?

iRun2eatCake · 25/09/2022 17:07

chucklesatwork · 25/09/2022 16:10

This girl has told DS multiple times to leave her alone, he tells her he just wants to talk to her so they do for a while then she blocks him again etc so I have no idea why he hasn't learnt and moved on from her as it's been like this for months. Apparently, what led to this was DS telling her he wants to start over their relationship, and yes I am annoyed that she used him but he knew the money wasn't for anything else.

Sounds like he is starting to become a bit obsessed with her. If she has told him to leave her alone several times, he needs to leave her alone!! He could get into serios trouble if he doesn't understand the word no.

blueshoes · 25/09/2022 17:09

GarlicCrackers · 25/09/2022 16:17

To those of you saying he will learn the consequences, you clearly have no experience with ADHD. We struggle with consequences, so he’s unlikely to learn. Personally I would buy him his bus ticket, and give him weekly money. ADHD is not about hyperactivity, it so complex - things like rejection dysphoria sensitivity make relationships so hard. I can understand why he gave her £50

Im 33, severe ADHD and my mum manages all of my finances. I’m a high achiever, earn a decent wage (not quite broken the next tax barrier) and I categorically cannot handle finances. I get an allowance, I’m being dead serious!

@GarlicCrackers thank you for explaining. My dd is in university and has similar issues which I am still trying to work out. Your insight has helped to put some pieces in place for me.

Well done on navigating the world of work successfully. It must be so much harder, so a great achievement.

PinkSyCo · 25/09/2022 17:10

Are you sure this is your child OP because you sound quite distant and cold towards him. Honestly I can’t make out who is more in the wrong between him and this girl but I would be much more worried about the toxic situation he is in, especially bearing in mind his ADHD. Don’t give him more money in a lump sum, but do make sure he can get to college and has something to eat whilst there, but more importantly help him navigate this ‘relationship’. He is still very young and vulnerable.

ZenNudist · 25/09/2022 17:11

He should have money left for bus fare so he can get to college. He hasn't any food money so youre right to not give him more. Have stuff in for sandwiches and some fruit. I'd not be buying special snacks for him to take.

And it wouldn't hurt to contact this girls family and ask for the money back. Do it quickly before they spend it. You can gloss over it. Say you're not accusing her of anything and she must not have appreciated that he doesn't have money for food and transport for a month. It's not on taking £50 off a young lad. If her parents have any decency they will make her repay him.

FinallyHere · 25/09/2022 17:12

Buy him a pass and let him prepare his own food in the house but no money.

This. It's tough but ... do you really want to enable him buying himself a GF?

Flangelasashes · 25/09/2022 17:13

Poor Kid, have a heart, you would do anything for your first love. Try remembering back that far and how new everything is and how naïve you were.

Ladybyrd · 25/09/2022 17:18

YNBU. I would pay for the bus tickets and send him in with a packed lunch for a month.

Carmakomelian · 25/09/2022 17:23

I would have enormous sympathy if this is my son. I'd explain I couldn't just give him more money to make it better, but I'd do it with love and understanding. People twice his age without ADHD get duped for love.

Foley9 · 25/09/2022 17:39

Honestly, if my DC was accepting this sort of behaviour from a partner I would be wondering where the fuck I had went so badly wrong. Not looking to teach them stupid lessons about money, when their self-respect was nowhere to be seen. Add in the ADHD and I have no words. Good job OP!

Cyw2018 · 25/09/2022 17:40

YABU

If this was your DD in an emotionally and financially abusive relationship with a man, would you have the same attitude towards your DD?

Ladybyrd · 25/09/2022 17:44

if I were her parents, I’d be considering involving the police

I'm sure they'd be over the moon.

KTheGrey · 25/09/2022 17:44

My sympathy would not take the form of giving him more cash. He can have a bus pass and make his own sandwiches.

However, this is the perfect opportunity to point out that his choices are impacting on you as well, and that he is pursuing a rather unpleasant girl. No more cash until she is safely blocked.

Taillighttoobright · 25/09/2022 17:56

Foley9 · 25/09/2022 17:39

Honestly, if my DC was accepting this sort of behaviour from a partner I would be wondering where the fuck I had went so badly wrong. Not looking to teach them stupid lessons about money, when their self-respect was nowhere to be seen. Add in the ADHD and I have no words. Good job OP!

He sounds like a nice lad still working his way through early life. Not a failed victim of neglectful parenting. You're pushing an unhelpful narrative.

verdantverdure · 25/09/2022 17:58

chucklesatwork · 25/09/2022 15:51

I do know the girls parents but DS showed me the messages and she said to him “do you want to give me £50?” so I suspect her parents would use that as an excuse as she didn't exactly ask.

Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

Her parents need to know she is unblocking him just to manipulate him out of money then blocking him again.

Porcupineintherough · 25/09/2022 18:00

Doingprettywellthanks · 25/09/2022 16:44

=This girl has told DS multiple times to leave her alone, he tells her he just wants to talk

if I were her parents, I’d be considering involving the police

And say what? "My daughters ex boyfriend keeps messaging her when she friends him on social media but she can't keep him blocked cause she needs to ask him for money"?

MrsSkylerWhite · 25/09/2022 18:00

WaddleAway · Today 15:36
I mean, I understand why you’re annoyed, but he’s your son. He’s young, vulnerable and he’s been had. I’d have lots of sympathy, but would explain the money has gone so it’s packed lunches for the next few weeks.“

this. We all did stupid, naive things when we were young and “in love”. Just imagine how awful he must be feeling, realising he’s been well and truly had.
my heart breaks for mine when they’re hurting, whatever the cause of it, and they’re older than yours. Give him a break, bus fare and sandwiches (and a bit of emotional support wouldn’t go amiss).

Craftybodger · 25/09/2022 18:03

Your son is naïve and needs support to understand why this girl is bad news.

Meanwhile I would give him enough cash to buy what he needs and show him where the sandwich making supplies are. In the slightly longer term I would be giving him a weekly allowance for what he needs for college.

FacebookPhotos · 25/09/2022 18:04

This sounds toxic all round. I’d have some sympathy but I wouldn’t solve the problem for him completely. I’d make sure he had bus fare and suitable food to make himself a packed lunch.

I’d also be talking about how his behaviour (messaging her when she’s asked to be left alone) could be viewed as harassment. He needs to stop that immediately.

ChocChipOwl · 25/09/2022 18:08

I would ensure he had enough money for travel and food etc and I'd also be sympathetic - on the understanding that this does not happen again

I'd then try and chat with him more about what horrible relationships look like and how he can protect himself going forward