To have no sympathy for DS

[chucklesatwork]

DS is 17, he has a very on/off relationship with his ex and she blocks/unblocks him constantly, DS really likes her so he won't block her and everytime she unblocks him, he thinks this time they'll get back together etc.

I put £80 in his account a month for food at college, the bus etc. He knows this money isn't for anything else. This morning, he told me he needs more money, I asked him why as I only put some in a few weeks ago so he should have some left, after a lot of ‘i don't knows’ he told me his ex asked for £50 and he gave it her and they spoke for a bit until a few days later she asked for more and he said he didn't have it, and she blocked him a few days after that.

I have no sympathy for him as he knows this money is for college but DP (not his dad) has said I'm BU as DS is upset and he has ADHD which makes him more vulnerable.

AIBU?

Teen Adhders can be emotionally about 3/5 years behind peers. I'd be going to the girls parents house and asking for £50 back.

He sounds like he's being taken advantage of, but I'd be giving him a bus ticket and packed lunch so she can't get anymore money off him.

From OP's perspective, it is incredibly frustrating when you can see what someone needs to do about a problem, and it keeps coming up over and over again, but that person won't follow your advice.

However, from ds's pov, I have no doubt that he thinks this is the love of his life.

I would sit him down and have a talk with him, in whatever context you think will work best. But it isn't ok to steal from his mum to try to win this girl's favour, which is essentially what has happened here. He expects mum to pick up the tab - I wouldn't let him off for that.

Everyone is struggling financially.

As for her, I would contact her parents and kick up one hell of a stink, just so that she knows not to try this again. Because it's only fair that while she's portraying ds as harassing her, they are shown the real story her and she's actually exploiting him then playing the victim when it suits, which places him in quite a dangerous position.

My dd used to have a few trusted adults at college. Who understood her sen. Does he have anyone there you could email?

Buy him weekly bus passes and trf lunch money weekly in future for a while. He's vulnerable

I’d be speaking to the ex & her parents to get the fifty quid back.

is she at the same college?

i’d also be speaking to the safeguarding lead as she is abusing a vulnerable child/young adult to extort money.

I don’t think your thought process is unreasonable & there’s no reason you should directly give him £50 to compensate his misjudgement, but you do have a responsibility to make sure he can get to college & eats.
bus fare/lift & food available for him to make & take with him.

Does she attend the college? If so I think it's reasonable to speak to them. They will have pastoral care support and they might be able to speak to both of them and maybe her parents.

I work in a sixth form college

He's in an abusive relationship and you have no sympathy for him. If he can't turn to his mother who can he turn to? You're encouraging him to hide things from you.

Hi! If your son has ADHD (like mine) his executive age is lower meaning he thinks/reacts like a 12-14 yo... So as annoyed as you are you have to take into account how fixated on things/people ADHD kids can be and that he he not yet mature enough to handle money and relationships like his peers. I wold speak to the girls parents and/or the girl herself explaining that this money was not leisure money but that it leaves you and your son in a financial pickle. As for your son even if the money is returned I wold provide him with a bus pass and sandwiches ...

You need to have a firm conversation with your DS. This girl has asked him to leave her alone. He isn’t.

this is a bigger problem that your DS giving her money.

your DS needs help to understand boundaries and not push them.

the lost £50 is worth that lesson alone

Show him this thread

Yes because a 17 year old boy is going to carefully read and take on board a group of anonymous mumsnet posters 😂

So how are you suggesting your son gets to college?

He has ADHD. My DD13 also does.

It means they are less emotionally mature and this makes them vulnerable.

You are ok to be angry with him but talk it through and make sure he understands not to lend money.

Does he struggle with friendships? My DD will often use her money to treat her friends, I think she does this so they like her which makes me sad. Despite talking to her about it she still does it because she really doesn't have many friends.

By him a bus pass.
Tesco do a student / parent prepaid card.

it's ok to have sympathy because she is using him. It's also ok to have sympathy with her because he ís pestering her (she is using that)

He needs to learn somehow to stop contacting her. Help him do that.

Tell him to send her a message the same as she sent him "do you want to give me 50 quid" and see what happens? of course if she's blocked him, that's not possible.

But you need to make sure the 80 pounds per month is going on the right things. So either cut it into smaller chunks of money/time, or go through it with him - every day if necessary - so both of you can see where it's going. This is a good habit for him to get into anyway at his age.

For the now: make sure his bus fares are covered and he can take packed lunches (or you can sub him to buy some). If you really want the lesson to sit, work out a payment plan (from the 80 pounds) or have him "work off the debt" in the household or something.

Has he got a job ? Can he do any extra hours ?

Fuck that.
I would be livid if a son of mine gave £50 of MY MONEY to a random “girlfriend” who is manipulating him, or any random girlfried,
when he earns the money himself he can choose what to do with it and give it away to who he likes if he’s that stupid.
but while I am supporting him from my earnings for his essentials I’d be reading him the riot act. Absolutely no way would I be giving him any more, or giving him £80 up front. I’d start by giving him money for each spend and asking for receipts. If he can’t be trusted with my money I’d be going back to basics and stop handing it out for him to mismanage

Even if your son has learning difficulties?

Tbh OP

I think it’s quite remarkable that he hasn’t done this before or similar in terms of mismanaging his money given he has ADHD

You would be “livid” with your teen son, in love with adhd, not having done this before?

@BuildersTeaMaker Jesus I hope none of your kids have adhd

I second this

Haven’t RTWT but I’m with those who say take steps such as a bus pass and packed lunches or maybe a GoHenry with no cash withdrawals. However, although I don’t know much about ADHD, if he is not helped to learn about money and relationships, I think there would be a risk that this young man could fall victim to an OLD romance scam.

YABU.

Your tough love is misplaced. I would agree with you if not for the ADHD, which can be excruciating in this circumstance. He is clearly being taken advantage of.

I noticed no concern for your son's mental and emotional well-being, just concern about the money he spends. What exactly is your priority?

The mother has probably been putting up for this behavior for a long time and has come near to the end of her "empathy rope", is why she probably worded it the way she did. You are an awful person and I hope you never have any children, ever.