Family want to take my children on holiday but we don't feel comfortable

[lovingmother82]

I've got three DC aged 5, 7, 11. My family live locally apart from my brother who lives in Melbourne.

We are very lucky to be able to take our kids on holiday a couple of times each year and to give them experiences. We love taking them away and spending time with them but there's only one issue.

My family members (parents and brother) have expressed an interest in taking our children on holidays annually. This wouldn't be together - my parents want to take my kids on a separate trip to the one my brother wants to do.

DH and I have several issues with this

1. my parents live locally and can see their grandkids whenever they want so why do they need to take the kids away abroad (they have emphasised it would be abroad) every year. We don't want our kids to be spoilt and would rather they get quality time than two weeks in a school holiday somewhere.
   
2. My brother wants my kids to visit but because he lives in Australia he has barely seen them. We've suggested we all take a family trip but he has no interest and wants to have 121 quality time with the kids without us there? It's a long way for my kids to go to see someone they don't know.
   
   We very much like taking our kids away when we can and spending family time together. We don't want to deprive them of opportunities but this is not something we feel comfortable with but family members have emphasised that this is important to them. Feels like they're trying to tell us how to parent. Not sure how to handle this.
   
   So AIBU to say no?

[Iwanttoholdyourham]

I'm a childless aunt. My brother's children would quite happily go on holiday with me in a foreign country, far away from their parents.

However, I'd rather stick pins in my eyes.

The absolute most I would be prepared to do is a day trip locally. I don't know how anyone wants to take other people's children on an extended holiday by themselves. I just don't get it.

He doesn't have a relationship with them, and from zero contact to a holiday is not the way to develop a relationship. Children need time to get used to people.

[SleepingStandingUp]

@Hellybelly84

Why do kids have to be passed around from
pillar to post these days if the parents are very happy being with them? We love spending time with grandparents but holidays are our time with the kids and would miss them too much if it was more than a sleepover. Its perfectly normal not to want your young kids going away for a week abroad without you.

you're saying that the time they're off from school is time you spend with them and they wouldn't cope being away from you overnight anyway. THat's perfectly reasonable and entirely different to the PP who said hers couldn't go because she'd be jealous or op saying they can't go because they'll get spoilt

[daisyssssssss1989]

OP I think your reservations are probably about your own insecurities.

YANBU: if your two older kids say they don't want to go on holiday with DB/GPs or if you would have to fund either or both trips. Or if you feel that DB/GPs are not safe people for your kids to be around.

YABU: If your two older kids haven't been asked or have already said they want to go, and the trips are funded by the family and your DB/ GPs are safe people for your kids to be around (which you have indicated they are)

@lovingmother82 what do your children think about going to visit their uncle in Australia?

My kids would be so excited to send them off to any family member they hadn't met yet in Australia, what an adventure.

I'm so glad my sister is so chill with me taking her kids away, we just have so much fun one on one with my nieces.

[HamiltonFan1]

@Hellybelly84

Why do kids have to be passed around from
pillar to post these days if the parents are very happy being with them? We love spending time with grandparents but holidays are our time with the kids and would miss them too much if it was more than a sleepover. Its perfectly normal not to want your young kids going away for a week abroad without you.

It's normal to not want them to go

It's not normal to stop them going if it's something they want to do

As parents of course you miss them, but sometimes as a parent you need to put the kids first.

[Daisybuttercup12345]

Firm NO. Its not open to discussion.
Hell would freeze over before I allowed this.

[SleepingStandingUp]

oh actually i realise both posts are from @Hellybelly84 . So which is it? You spend all the school holidays with your kids and they miss you too much to sleep over anywhere, or you're petty and jealous and can't stand your kids having something you don't?

[HamiltonFan1]

@SleepingStandingUp that poster is the same as the one who is jealous

[nokidshere]

DH and I have several issues with this1) my parents live locally and can see their grandkids whenever they want so why do they need to take the kids away abroad (they have emphasised it would be abroad) every year. We don't want our kids to be spoilt and would rather they get quality time than two weeks in a school holiday somewhere.

Why would they be spoilt by spending time with their grandparents? If they get on well I don't see any reason not to let them do this.

The brother thing isn't even a option so just ignore

[NaturalBae]

It’d be a no from me too.

We don’t let our DC stay overnight with anyone that lives outside our household.

Also, when we’re out and about , our young DC are also not allowed to go off alone to a public toilet alone either.

We have found that some family members and friends have odd, illogical and potentially damaging parenting styles and lack of boundaries that would be not considered beneficial or protective to any children.

[AtrociousCircumstance]

This thread is slightly odd. As a parent, safeguarding - and simply having the kids best interests at heart - is so central that saying no to weird offers/demands is second nature.

OP why don’t you have the clarity to know that it’s not just ok to say no here, it’s important you do so?

[candycaneframe]

@AtrociousCircumstance

This thread is slightly odd. As a parent, safeguarding - and simply having the kids best interests at heart - is so central that saying no to weird offers/demands is second nature.

OP why don’t you have the clarity to know that it’s not just ok to say no here, it’s important you do so?

Well quite simply these aren't weird requests

Only to some they are, hence the debate

[candycaneframe]

@NaturalBae

It’d be a no from me too.

We don’t let our DC stay overnight with anyone that lives outside our household.

Also, when we’re out and about , our young DC are also not allowed to go off alone to a public toilet alone either.

We have found that some family members and friends have odd, illogical and potentially damaging parenting styles and lack of boundaries that would be not considered beneficial or protective to any children.

I'd be saving for your kids therapy as teens now if I were you

[candycaneframe]

YABU

You've said yourself your brother tried with FT and your kids were too shy, how are they supposed to build a connection if you don't at least facilitate it? Your brother has tried, your kids are shy and most likely due to having overbearing parents

[NaturalBae]

@billy1966

The way you describe your brother is not good.

Manipulative?

Would use you saying No concerning YOUR children against you?

Massive red flag.

Not a chance would my children be in the sole charge of such a dubious character.

Just read what the OP said about her Brother. He sounds dodgy and manipulative as F*, so your response should be an instant and definite ‘Hell no!’.

Major red flags!

Always go with your gut feelings/intuition, especially when it comes to your children who are vulnerable and need protecting.

[NaturalBae]

@candycaneframe

I'd be saving for your kids therapy as teens now if I were you

Lol. I don’t think so. We’re good thanks. We also have an adult DC who understands and also looks out for their younger siblings in the same way.

[girlfriend44]

How lucky to have grandparents who want to take the kids away. Why not. Lovely memories for them all. Your being unreasonable.

[NaturalBae]

@NaturalBae

Lol. I don’t think so. We’re good thanks. We also have an adult DC who understands and also looks out for their younger siblings in the same way.

I also work in an area where I’m privy to situations where unprotected children fall victim.

[SleepingStandingUp]

@AtrociousCircumstance

This thread is slightly odd. As a parent, safeguarding - and simply having the kids best interests at heart - is so central that saying no to weird offers/demands is second nature.

OP why don’t you have the clarity to know that it’s not just ok to say no here, it’s important you do so?

but op has said nothing to infer the grandfather is a safeguarding risk, and is happy for a weekend trip so doesn't sound concerned he wants to isolate them to abuse them. She just doesn't want them having more fun than her

[candycaneframe]

@NaturalBae

Making your Childrens worlds so small to protect them from a tiny risk of harm isn't being a good parent.

[MzHz]

@hippityhoopety

What if your kids want to go OP? Would you deny them this opportunity then? I'm surprised more people aren't asking this.

Did you go away with family at similar ages? How would you feel if you were given this opportunity and your parents turned it down for you?

I expect you have some anxiety about being out of control in a situation. Are you usually quite controlling over your kids?

I would think this is a great way for your kids to come out of their shells. If they're shy then maybe it's because you have kept them so sheltered

Omg what a load of horse shit!

who on earth thinks an 11 yo has an opinion on if they want to go to Australia to see someone they barely know only with younger siblings without their parents?

this is basic parenting 101. It’s making the decisions on what is and is not appropriate. It’s not controlling at all and I would bet my house that no decent parent would send their kids alone to Aus to see someone they don’t know. especially one who manipulates and uses peoples refusals to bow before him against them.

If the kids want to go they can go when they’re old enough to fend for themselves a bit more. Establish and police their own boundaries with adults. Like when they’re late teens.

If bro is so well off and wants to see the kids there is nothing stopping him offering to cover their flights and the parents just cover their own.

he is a creep. It smacks of grooming to me and it would be a fucking hell no because I won’t be manipulated by someone like him

so what if he’s loaded and uses his wealth to get what he wants! That wouldn’t include my kids

[OhMondayMonday]

OP if your brother is a genuinely good person then you wouldn’t fear him manipulating you when he doesn’t get what he wants here. My family have made suggestions in the past about taking my kids away or having them to stay (not as far and they know then better) and in all cases when I’ve politely refused that’s been accepted, without judgement.

I wouldn’t put my kids on a plane alone to the other side of the world to spend time getting to know a grown (childless) man who can’t handle getting his own way. Just imagine how he’ll react when the 11 yo rolls his eyes for the first time…

[2bazookas]

No to such a longdistance trip to an uncle they don't know. Red flag.

Let them have a lovely time abroad in Europe with the GPs. GP's and kids will love it and you and DH can have a child-free break all by yourselves. If anything goes wrong you can be there PDQ.

[Pipsquiggle]

The Australia trip is clearly bonkers but what you need to make crystal clear to your DB is that he needs to come over to the UK to 'bond' with your DC and they will not be travelling on their own until they are at least (insert age of your choice).

DGP - let them do a weekend but also consider a half term.

Half terms are always harder for childcare due to less club options. Also it could be 5 or 6 days rather than 2 weeks

[NaturalBae]

@candycaneframe

@NaturalBae

Making your Childrens worlds so small to protect them from a tiny risk of harm isn't being a good parent.

Rhetorical Question: Who is assessing the risks - us or you?

As you may have missed my subsequent post, I then added that I work in this area. Respectfully, I think I have more knowledge and access to statistics than you on this subject.

[candycaneframe]

@Pipsquiggle

The Australia trip is clearly bonkers but what you need to make crystal clear to your DB is that he needs to come over to the UK to 'bond' with your DC and they will not be travelling on their own until they are at least (insert age of your choice).

DGP - let them do a weekend but also consider a half term.

Half terms are always harder for childcare due to less club options. Also it could be 5 or 6 days rather than 2 weeks

Why would he travel somewhere he doesn't want to?

He has tried FT with the kids

Also it doesn't sound as if he has demanded they go, he has expressed an interest in them visiting and has offered to pay for their flights.