Family want to take my children on holiday but we don't feel comfortable

[lovingmother82]

I've got three DC aged 5, 7, 11. My family live locally apart from my brother who lives in Melbourne.

We are very lucky to be able to take our kids on holiday a couple of times each year and to give them experiences. We love taking them away and spending time with them but there's only one issue.

My family members (parents and brother) have expressed an interest in taking our children on holidays annually. This wouldn't be together - my parents want to take my kids on a separate trip to the one my brother wants to do.

DH and I have several issues with this

1. my parents live locally and can see their grandkids whenever they want so why do they need to take the kids away abroad (they have emphasised it would be abroad) every year. We don't want our kids to be spoilt and would rather they get quality time than two weeks in a school holiday somewhere.
   
2. My brother wants my kids to visit but because he lives in Australia he has barely seen them. We've suggested we all take a family trip but he has no interest and wants to have 121 quality time with the kids without us there? It's a long way for my kids to go to see someone they don't know.
   
   We very much like taking our kids away when we can and spending family time together. We don't want to deprive them of opportunities but this is not something we feel comfortable with but family members have emphasised that this is important to them. Feels like they're trying to tell us how to parent. Not sure how to handle this.
   
   So AIBU to say no?

[billy1966]

@lovingmother82

@clairety my brother is a good person. I love him dearly. As for if he's good with kids I'm honestly not sure he's never really been around them. My DH is firm that even if my brother lived in the UK he wouldn't be allowed to take our kids away without them knowing him better. I agree, all our kids are fairly shy.

While my brother is a good person if we say no to him he will use it against us. As a person he's lovely and kind. But can be manipulative when he doesn't get what he wants.

He chose to move to Australia. He is well off - very well off - and has made it clear he doesn't like visiting the UK. My eldest has met him twice and they have not established much of a relationship. To be fair my brother has tried via FT but it's awkward for my DS who is very shy and doesn't know what to say.

The way you describe your brother is not good.

Manipulative?

Would use you saying No concerning YOUR children against you?

Massive red flag.

Not a chance would my children be in the sole charge of such a dubious character.

[poultrysabon]

OP ask your kids if they want to go and leave it up to them. If they say yes then whats the problem? Especially if GPs/DB are paying.

Your poor brother and parents seem like lovely people

Honestly I would love two weeks with nieces/nephews but couldn't stand even a couple of days with my siblings and their partners. We all get along, but it is just too much. Maybe your brother feels similar? Could you spend two weeks with him?

All of you going on a family trip to Australia is not a substitute to individual time the kids would get with their uncle.

I'm not surprised the uncle just wants the kids. Do you always try and control the situation?

[HamiltonFan1]

@Felicity42

I don't know what your brother's need is to have your kids for a holiday.

I guess he's on his own (single?) so maybe he could 'use' your kids to make an entertaining holiday for himself.

Where he's in control. Then tries to get your parents to exert emotional pressure on you about it...

Problem is does he really know the day to day tedious issues of traveling with kids? The 'but that's not fair she gets chips and I have to have pasta', 'not another stupid museum I'm not going!'
The fact that he doesn't know your kids says s lot.

Do you think people 'need' to spend time with anyone?

I don't need to spend time with my nieces and nephews, I want to, so do.

It's very odd how so many on here don't understand basic family relationships

[Aquamarine1029]

While my brother is a good person if we say no to him he will use it against us. As a person he's lovely and kind. But can be manipulative when he doesn't get what he wants.

You are talking out of both sides of your mouth. A manipulative person is not a good person, and it is beyond bizarre that you give a shit if he "used it against you." What, exactly, do you think he can do to you? The welfare of your kids is the only concern you should have. You should be telling your creepy brother to fuck right off.

[deeperthanallroses]

If you send ds to australia they will go to the beach /pool because australia - is he a strong swimmer, does he know to stay between the flags and watch for drifting? Could you trust your brother to watch him like an eagle? It’s a no from me for the 11yo and for more than one kid, or younger kids, it’s a hell would freeze over first. I’m in australia and have travelled back and forth many times including with the dc, and have lovely siblings who spend time with my dc. But I wouldn’t let them take them to the beach alone.

[HamiltonFan1]

@Aquamarine1029

While my brother is a good person if we say no to him he will use it against us. As a person he's lovely and kind. But can be manipulative when he doesn't get what he wants.

You are talking out of both sides of your mouth. A manipulative person is not a good person, and it is beyond bizarre that you give a shit if he "used it against you." What, exactly, do you think he can do to you? The welfare of your kids is the only concern you should have. You should be telling your creepy brother to fuck right off.

How is he creepy?

[hippityhoopety]

What if your kids want to go OP? Would you deny them this opportunity then? I'm surprised more people aren't asking this.

Did you go away with family at similar ages? How would you feel if you were given this opportunity and your parents turned it down for you?

I expect you have some anxiety about being out of control in a situation. Are you usually quite controlling over your kids?

I would think this is a great way for your kids to come out of their shells. If they're shy then maybe it's because you have kept them so sheltered

[Nodancingshoes]

Well of course your 3 children cannot fly to Austrailia without you - that would be ridiculous. I would probably agree to a weeks holiday with the GPS - In this country to begin with until the youngest is a couple years older. 2 weeks is too long though.
You need to set some boundaries with your family - these are YOUR children not pets to be passed around

[Need2P]

There's no way I would put my children in an aeroplane to Australia on their own. If they weren't going with us, maybe I would allow them going with the grandparents if I believed they would cope looking after them.

[PussInBin20]

@lovingmother82

@clairety my brother is a good person. I love him dearly. As for if he's good with kids I'm honestly not sure he's never really been around them. My DH is firm that even if my brother lived in the UK he wouldn't be allowed to take our kids away without them knowing him better. I agree, all our kids are fairly shy.

While my brother is a good person if we say no to him he will use it against us. As a person he's lovely and kind. But can be manipulative when he doesn't get what he wants.

He chose to move to Australia. He is well off - very well off - and has made it clear he doesn't like visiting the UK. My eldest has met him twice and they have not established much of a relationship. To be fair my brother has tried via FT but it's awkward for my DS who is very shy and doesn't know what to say.

While my brother is a good person if we say no to him he will use it against us.

Well, not that good a person then!

[starsainsberry]

@Nodancingshoes
children fly unaccompanied all the time. They are escorted and it's safe.



@lovingmother82 OP I think YABU. Your brother lives in Australia, it is unreasonable to expect him to get to know your kids first and come to the UK for this. He doesn't live down the road, he lives on a different continent. If you trust him and your children want to go, you should let them. He has tried to FaceTime and has given a once in a lifetime opportunity to your children.


How high on your priority list is your children having a good relationship with their uncle?

[rookiemere]

Put the Australia visit to one side as that's clearly a non starter.

You reasons for not wanting your DPs to take your DCs away seem a bit odd. Presumably they're not proposing that they don't see the children all year if they take them away in holiday. You are the DP so you can agree one trip for one week and see if your DCs say they enjoy it when they come back. They are unlikely to be spoiled by their GPs taking them on holiday.

I sense you might be a bit snobby about the type of holiday the GPs want to take them on.

[zalowergynnn]

@lovingmother82

a. So you worry about your kids being spoilt? Why? Are they already spoilt? My family members spoil kids, doesn't mean the kids have to have a spoilt attitude?

b. You worry your kids don't know your brother? Well this is a way they can get to know him. Have you asked your kids whether they would feel comfortable going?

c. You worry about feeling controlled? To me it sounds like you are 100% in control and are keeping it that way by choice.

I would be interested to see the grandparents and brother's perspective. I expect you guard your kids quite closely

[zalowergynnn]

I also think the whole thread would have reacted differently if it was an aunt instead of an uncle, which is a shame.

[Hellybelly84]

I haven’t read all the replies so sorry if repeating but would say an outright no. We (as parents) are the only ones who take our kids on holiday, full stop. Love both sets of grandparents very much but there is no way I would want them enjoying a holiday with grandparents whilst we’re stuck at home. Be honest and say how you feel and if you are not confident saying that, just say you would miss them too much so the answer is no.

[zalowergynnn]

@Hellybelly84 you would be denying your kids an opportunity just so you didn't feel left out?

[CrotchetyQuaver]

Going away with the grandparents would be fine in my eyes, they're all old enough now. Australia to stay with someone they barely know on their own - I wouldn't be comfortable with that.

[Wildeheart]

I wouldn’t even consider the Australia trip because it’s beyond unreasonable. If your brother wants to have a relationship with your children that much and is wealthy he can try visiting them regularly to start with.

[SleepingStandingUp]

ok DBro is basically a stranger. You could have (with him) facilitated some level of relationship between them over FT but neither of you have bothered so no, it isn't FAIR on the 11 yo to put him on a plane for a days travel to spend time with someone he doesn't know with no support or get out.

The grandparent one, seems like you're saying "they should only have experiences we provide, if they have extra experiences they'll get above themselves" Is that insecurity or jealousy?

[HamiltonFan1]

@SleepingStandingUp

ok DBro is basically a stranger. You could have (with him) facilitated some level of relationship between them over FT but neither of you have bothered so no, it isn't FAIR on the 11 yo to put him on a plane for a days travel to spend time with someone he doesn't know with no support or get out.

The grandparent one, seems like you're saying "they should only have experiences we provide, if they have extra experiences they'll get above themselves" Is that insecurity or jealousy?

The op has said the brother has tried to FT.

[Newmumatlast]

@lovingmother82

I've got three DC aged 5, 7, 11. My family live locally apart from my brother who lives in Melbourne.

We are very lucky to be able to take our kids on holiday a couple of times each year and to give them experiences. We love taking them away and spending time with them but there's only one issue.

My family members (parents and brother) have expressed an interest in taking our children on holidays annually. This wouldn't be together - my parents want to take my kids on a separate trip to the one my brother wants to do.

DH and I have several issues with this

1. my parents live locally and can see their grandkids whenever they want so why do they need to take the kids away abroad (they have emphasised it would be abroad) every year. We don't want our kids to be spoilt and would rather they get quality time than two weeks in a school holiday somewhere.
   
2. My brother wants my kids to visit but because he lives in Australia he has barely seen them. We've suggested we all take a family trip but he has no interest and wants to have 121 quality time with the kids without us there? It's a long way for my kids to go to see someone they don't know.
   
   We very much like taking our kids away when we can and spending family time together. We don't want to deprive them of opportunities but this is not something we feel comfortable with but family members have emphasised that this is important to them. Feels like they're trying to tell us how to parent. Not sure how to handle this.
   
   So AIBU to say no?

Id feel very uncomfortable with someone my kids barely know insisting on spending quality time 1 on 1 with them when they arent their parents and they could quite easily have quality time with my children with me there. It wouldn't be any more in the child's best interests than if I were there, and so is clearly focused more on a want of the adult. And id personally be concerned.

[HamiltonFan1]

@Hellybelly84

I haven’t read all the replies so sorry if repeating but would say an outright no. We (as parents) are the only ones who take our kids on holiday, full stop. Love both sets of grandparents very much but there is no way I would want them enjoying a holiday with grandparents whilst we’re stuck at home. Be honest and say how you feel and if you are not confident saying that, just say you would miss them too much so the answer is no.

How pathetic

To deny your children experiences because you feel left out

[SleepingStandingUp]

@Hellybelly84

I haven’t read all the replies so sorry if repeating but would say an outright no. We (as parents) are the only ones who take our kids on holiday, full stop. Love both sets of grandparents very much but there is no way I would want them enjoying a holiday with grandparents whilst we’re stuck at home. Be honest and say how you feel and if you are not confident saying that, just say you would miss them too much so the answer is no.

"Sorry Grandparents, the kids can'y go because i'm petty and jealous". Nice.

[UpToMyElbowsInDiapers]

It sounds like a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity… in a few years. Definitely not when the youngest is 5. My 5yo sees her uncle almost every week and loves going out for a half-day adventure with him, but would probably still find a sleepover at his place stressful… never mind adding a many-hour flight and a total stranger to the mix! Maybe when the youngest is 8? The eldest will also be in a better position than to be a pseudo-parent if the trip doesn’t go according to plan.

[Hellybelly84]

Why do kids have to be passed around from
pillar to post these days if the parents are very happy being with them? We love spending time with grandparents but holidays are our time with the kids and would miss them too much if it was more than a sleepover. Its perfectly normal not to want your young kids going away for a week abroad without you.