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AIBU?

Family want to take my children on holiday but we don't feel comfortable

232 replies

lovingmother82 · 25/09/2022 12:35

I've got three DC aged 5, 7, 11. My family live locally apart from my brother who lives in Melbourne.

We are very lucky to be able to take our kids on holiday a couple of times each year and to give them experiences. We love taking them away and spending time with them but there's only one issue.

My family members (parents and brother) have expressed an interest in taking our children on holidays annually. This wouldn't be together - my parents want to take my kids on a separate trip to the one my brother wants to do.

DH and I have several issues with this

  1. my parents live locally and can see their grandkids whenever they want so why do they need to take the kids away abroad (they have emphasised it would be abroad) every year. We don't want our kids to be spoilt and would rather they get quality time than two weeks in a school holiday somewhere.
  2. My brother wants my kids to visit but because he lives in Australia he has barely seen them. We've suggested we all take a family trip but he has no interest and wants to have 121 quality time with the kids without us there? It's a long way for my kids to go to see someone they don't know.

    We very much like taking our kids away when we can and spending family time together. We don't want to deprive them of opportunities but this is not something we feel comfortable with but family members have emphasised that this is important to them. Feels like they're trying to tell us how to parent. Not sure how to handle this.

    So AIBU to say no?
OP posts:
candycaneframe · 25/09/2022 17:08

@NaturalBae

You might have all the stats in the world, it doesn't make your parenting decisions reasonable, rational or normal.

You are holding your children back because you are scared and unable to risk assess very well

NaturalBae · 25/09/2022 17:11

candycaneframe · 25/09/2022 17:08

@NaturalBae

You might have all the stats in the world, it doesn't make your parenting decisions reasonable, rational or normal.

You are holding your children back because you are scared and unable to risk assess very well

No; my children are fine and not being held back.

You have no knowledge of us as a family and how well adjusted our children are or not, so let’s just agree to disagree.

GabriellaMontez · 25/09/2022 17:12

candycaneframe · 25/09/2022 17:08

@NaturalBae

You might have all the stats in the world, it doesn't make your parenting decisions reasonable, rational or normal.

You are holding your children back because you are scared and unable to risk assess very well

Youre barking!

Jjones8 · 25/09/2022 17:13

If you are uncomfortable with it (which I would be) - then no. Your kids, your rules. Why is your brother so desperate to have your kids by himself?

Pipsquiggle · 25/09/2022 17:24

candycaneframe · 25/09/2022 17:08

Why would he travel somewhere he doesn't want to?

He has tried FT with the kids

Also it doesn't sound as if he has demanded they go, he has expressed an interest in them visiting and has offered to pay for their flights.

@candycaneframe

He can travel where he likes, however, if he genuinely wants to get to know his niece and nephews he needs to spend actual physical time with them, not just facetime.

He is a wealthy man with no family commitments, he should be able to work out that it would be easier for him to travel to the UK rather than 3 children or a family of 5, who have educational timetables to consider, to travel to Australia

BreatheAndFocus · 25/09/2022 17:32

YADNBU. Your DC aren’t dolls to pass around family members who either don’t have their own children or have children who’ve grown up. A day out with the GPs is fine and a sleepover if they want, but taking them on holiday without you is just strange. I can’t imagine my DC’s grandparents ever suggesting that.

As for your DB, it sounds like he has no understanding of children nor any conception of what he’s asking.

Just say No to them all - politely but firmly.

UnCivil · 25/09/2022 17:47

If your children would enjoy it I think a holiday with their grandparents sounds lovely. Lots of memories that can be made.

Brother having them in Australia is ludicrous

LetMeSpeak · 25/09/2022 17:55

I bet 90% of those claiming OP should let their young DCs go to Australia unaccompanied to see their uncle would never do such a thing with they’re own DCs.

Do as I say not as I do.

candycaneframe · 25/09/2022 17:59

LetMeSpeak · 25/09/2022 17:55

I bet 90% of those claiming OP should let their young DCs go to Australia unaccompanied to see their uncle would never do such a thing with they’re own DCs.

Do as I say not as I do.

Can't speak for the others but my eldest 2 have gone as unaccompanied minors to visit my father and his wife in Japan since they were 12. I'd have let them go earlier if our preferred airline allowed it.

candycaneframe · 25/09/2022 18:00

@GabriellaMontez

Did you even read that posters first comment?

They don't let their kids go into toilets on their own and have never let them stay overnight anywhere

They're barking

Stainon · 25/09/2022 20:48

Pipsquiggle · 25/09/2022 17:24

@candycaneframe

He can travel where he likes, however, if he genuinely wants to get to know his niece and nephews he needs to spend actual physical time with them, not just facetime.

He is a wealthy man with no family commitments, he should be able to work out that it would be easier for him to travel to the UK rather than 3 children or a family of 5, who have educational timetables to consider, to travel to Australia

OP has said that the brother has only invited the 11 year old boy. He's not suggesting the younger ones travelling so far. And there's nothing wrong with offering. Some parents would certainly say yes to an offer like that.

rainyechoes · 25/09/2022 20:54

candycaneframe · 25/09/2022 16:54

@NaturalBae

Making your Childrens worlds so small to protect them from a tiny risk of harm isn't being a good parent.

I disagree.

I didn't allow my dd who was 3 at the time to have a sleepover with her cousins all around the same age with their uncle because he was so insistent and rude about it.

My mother said I was being crazy. Helicopter parent etc

Those 2 girls were sexually abused that night, it went on for one year until the elder girl turned 5 and told my sister in law what was happening

So no that tiny risk is not worth it.

stayinghometoday · 25/09/2022 21:53

LilacPoppy · 25/09/2022 13:41

Why does everyone assume the brother is a peadophile? Are your own relatives that uninvolved with your dc that's the leap you all make?
op I would let them go to Australia alone simply due to distance no other reason. I would absolutely let your dc have the experiences and memories from your childhood with grandparents.

Because he's a grown man pressuring a mother to give children that he does not know in his care without her supervision.

If your alarm bells aren't ringing here then you are very naive.

stayinghometoday · 25/09/2022 21:54

LilacPoppy · 25/09/2022 13:41

Why does everyone assume the brother is a peadophile? Are your own relatives that uninvolved with your dc that's the leap you all make?
op I would let them go to Australia alone simply due to distance no other reason. I would absolutely let your dc have the experiences and memories from your childhood with grandparents.

Do you even realise that the brother has seen the kids TWICE in their lives, the oldest is 11 years old! He is a stranger and not some loving, involved relative.

Redbone · 25/09/2022 22:02

YANBU in the slightest, please stick to your guns OP.

justasmalltownmum · 25/09/2022 22:05

Just say no

Snugglemonkey · 25/09/2022 22:10

I would not let anyone take my DC out of the country without me. I think going away with the gps is a lovely idea, but not abroad and not for more than a weekend initially. Maybe a week at some point, but I would consider a long weekend more appropriate.

The brother thing is just laughable and as a pp said, the fact that he is not seeing a problem in sending the children long haul alone, would say to me he shouldn't look after children.

ChrisS36 · 25/09/2022 22:43

if they persuade you if there a no parents present on the trip you should sign a declaration giving consent to travel and full contact details for getting through immigration.

NaturalBae · 25/09/2022 22:53

candycaneframe · 25/09/2022 17:08

Why would he travel somewhere he doesn't want to?

He has tried FT with the kids

Also it doesn't sound as if he has demanded they go, he has expressed an interest in them visiting and has offered to pay for their flights.

I missed this comment earlier.

So, it’s all good because wealthy Uncle has offered to pay? 🥴

NaturalBae · 25/09/2022 22:59

candycaneframe · 25/09/2022 17:59

Can't speak for the others but my eldest 2 have gone as unaccompanied minors to visit my father and his wife in Japan since they were 12. I'd have let them go earlier if our preferred airline allowed it.

I’m actually not surprised that you have done this with your children, as your comments come across as very defensive.

You’ve clearly taken the comments of some pp very personally, as though we were questioning your judgement to do something similar with your own children.

Blinkingmarvellous · 25/09/2022 23:02

The Australia thing is crazy but the Grandparent idea could work. My 8 and 10 year old were taken on a short break to Eurodisney by the inlaws. Everyone had a great time and it means I don't have to do it! Or they could start with a uk city break or a centre parks weekend. Honestly I think it could be really positive

OlderParents · 25/09/2022 23:16

Well quite simply these aren't weird requests

You don't think it's weird that somebody wants 3 kids who barely know them to be sent unaccompanied by anybody they know on a 24 hour flight to then spend time alone with this person they barely know in a country as far from home as it's possible to get, with no adult who they know and trust available to them to ask for help or comfort if they need it?

Somebody who would get manipulative if they children's parents say no, or not until they are older and/or have a better relationship with you? Somebody who refuses to fly to the children's country?


Really? Not weird at all?

NaturalBae · 25/09/2022 23:19

candycaneframe · 25/09/2022 18:00

@GabriellaMontez

Did you even read that posters first comment?

They don't let their kids go into toilets on their own and have never let them stay overnight anywhere

They're barking

Don’t misquote me.
I said that - When we are out and about with our DC, we do not allow our ‘young’ DC to go into a public toilet alone.

I.e., we as the parents are the adults in a protective role. We feel the need to know where our young children are at all times when they are out with us. E.g., If we are at a restaurant, one of us would accompany them to the public toilet to make sure they find it in good time, to ensure the toilet is clean enough, to check that is there is adequate toilet tissue, to assist them if they need help with their toileting as they are ‘young children’. And to obviously to ensure there are no dubious looking characters hanging around looking for a split second opportunity to take advantage of an unaccompanied minor.
As our older DC have aged, we have given them the age appropriate independence to venture off and complete tasks such as this by themselves.

You’re barking. Actually, after reading over some of your responses again including your responses to other pp - you sound batshit.

OlderParents · 25/09/2022 23:26

Can we please stop the hyperbole of telling other people how dreadfully damaging their parenting is, just because you'd do it differently?

Kids who don't go abroad with their DGPs don't end up damaged because of it. Kids who don't travel to the other side of the world to visit a man they have met twice don't grow up damaged because of it. And kids who aren't allowed sleepovers with people who are acting inappropriately and who aren't allowed to go to the loo by themselves in public places as small children, aren't getting damaged by that, either.

Tobletone · 26/09/2022 00:27

The brother is only inviting the 11 year old boy to fly over, NOT the younger girls:
The OP says this: "2 boys one girl. The main convo is about DS who is 11. No one is asking to take the five year old anywhere - yet"

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