AIBU?
Family want to take my children on holiday but we don't feel comfortable
lovingmother82 · 25/09/2022 12:35
I've got three DC aged 5, 7, 11. My family live locally apart from my brother who lives in Melbourne.
We are very lucky to be able to take our kids on holiday a couple of times each year and to give them experiences. We love taking them away and spending time with them but there's only one issue.
My family members (parents and brother) have expressed an interest in taking our children on holidays annually. This wouldn't be together - my parents want to take my kids on a separate trip to the one my brother wants to do.
DH and I have several issues with this
- my parents live locally and can see their grandkids whenever they want so why do they need to take the kids away abroad (they have emphasised it would be abroad) every year. We don't want our kids to be spoilt and would rather they get quality time than two weeks in a school holiday somewhere.
- My brother wants my kids to visit but because he lives in Australia he has barely seen them. We've suggested we all take a family trip but he has no interest and wants to have 121 quality time with the kids without us there? It's a long way for my kids to go to see someone they don't know.
We very much like taking our kids away when we can and spending family time together. We don't want to deprive them of opportunities but this is not something we feel comfortable with but family members have emphasised that this is important to them. Feels like they're trying to tell us how to parent. Not sure how to handle this.
So AIBU to say no?
ladygindiva · 26/09/2022 20:17
FictionalCharacter · 26/09/2022 01:49
This idiocy again that I’ve never seen outside MN - relatives wanting “alone time” with kids that aren’t theirs. “We've suggested we all take a family trip but he has no interest and wants to have 121 quality time with the kids without us there”
Without you there. Why? Just Say No!
Yeah, I agree with this ! I'm finding most of this thread very strange
GettingItOutThere · 26/09/2022 20:32
not a chance at all would I allow my kids to go away abroad with brother or parents that far.
Big long haul holidays to me should be a family thing - with parents! - so no from me!
I also think your brother wanting kids alone that he does not even know is weird.
Tillow4ever · 26/09/2022 20:36
princesscastle · 26/09/2022 11:35
@lovingmother82
He probably wants alone time with your kids because you aren't there to control everything. I think it's normal that he wants to spend time with them and very generous.
I only want to see my nieces and nephews alone because I cannot stand the way my DB and SIL make me feel around them. I'm not allowed to discipline them even if they snatch something from me, I cannot gently tell them not to snatch. I will come up with a fun game and as we're in the middle SIL will insist it's nap time (time changes daily) and the game will be ruined. It's exhausting. Some control freaks use their kids as a way to exert control. Without wanting to be rude, do you think you could be like this?
I think your attitude to your parents taking the kids for a week seems very odd.
I think some people are against the idea of Australia because he is a man, and doesn't know your kids too well. If it were an aunt who knew your kids better there would be far more YABUs. But I think you are partly to blame for your brother not knowing your kids. Have you ever visited him with your family or just wait for him to visit you? Have you facetimed him with the kids? Also Australia is as far as it gets, if it were anywhere else in the world there would be more YABUs.
You can’t compare an uncle they barely know to an aunt they do know. You can’t compare your situation with theirs as you clearly already spend time with your nieces and nephews.
it’s very different letting an uncle who lives locally have the kids alone that can phone you to come and pick them up if he can’t cope/they want to go home/etc. He can hardly do that if they’re 12,000 miles away! What happens if he and his nephew clash? What happens if the kid hates him? Or won’t do anything he’s told? What if the uncle doesn’t get that kids in a strange country need watching and can’t be left to go off alone?
As for have the family find out there to him…. HE is the one who chose to move away from his family - the rule/onus in that situation is the one who moved is the one who makes the effort to visit, you can’t expect everyone else to spend thousands and use up annual leave to visit you, especially when they have young children. How many posts and articles do we see berating parents for travelling on planes with young children? Well their youngest is 5, so they haven’t really had the chance to go - 5 is probably the bare minimum most people won’t complain about. So 5/6 years ago the middle child would have been 3 - too young to travel, before they were born, the eldest would have been 2/3. But parents can’t keep anyone happy, so they’d have been damned if they went, damned if they didn’t.
As for where he is…. We’ll he IS in Australia so you can’t say “if he were elsewhere you’d have more YABU”.
it sounds like the crux of your opinion is OP us BU because if it were an aunt that lived in Europe and the kids knew them really well, everyone would have voted YABU 🙄 but it’s a male that the kids do not know and he does live in Australia, so it’s all a moot point.
sounds as well like you don’t like the fact your SIL has her own boundaries that you want to walk all over. Maybe you really need to start your own post….
GabriellaMontez · 27/09/2022 09:42
I think some people are against the idea of Australia because he is a man, and doesn't know your kids too well. If it were an aunt who knew your kids better there would be far more YABUs
Yes! If it was a totally different situation, the responses would be totally different 🤣
SleepingStandingUp · 27/09/2022 10:20
BreatheAndFocus · 25/09/2022 17:32
YADNBU. Your DC aren’t dolls to pass around family members who either don’t have their own children or have children who’ve grown up. A day out with the GPs is fine and a sleepover if they want, but taking them on holiday without you is just strange. I can’t imagine my DC’s grandparents ever suggesting that.
As for your DB, it sounds like he has no understanding of children nor any conception of what he’s asking.
Just say No to them all - politely but firmly.
I know this is MN where you're only meant to like your own offspring but there really is nothing strange about grandparents enjoying time with their grandkids. My MIL just went away with two friends and one of theirs granddaughter. Parents both work so it was nice to have a week away with Granny instead of being passed between childcare. If she'd offered to take my eldest I wouldn't have assumed it was some weird grooming ring and she could only have bad intentions if she wanted to be alone with him.
SleepingStandingUp · 27/09/2022 10:25
candycaneframe · 25/09/2022 18:00
@GabriellaMontez
Did you even read that posters first comment?
They don't let their kids go into toilets on their own and have never let them stay overnight anywhere
They're barking
So you used to let your young kids go into public toilets alone?? Are you not old enough to remember the girl raped in Morrisons loos years ago? A fucking busy supermarket!! So yes, it's completely appropriate to not let young kids go alone into a place where there are lockable doors, strangers and the removal of underwear.
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