To ask how messy your house really is?

[BingBingGoAway]

My life is total chaos. I have 2DS under 4 and I work full time in a job that needs me to check stuff in evenings.

And my life is a total mess. And I mean - not in a classis 'oh it's so disorganised way' - in a unclean bathroom, car is disgusting, kids live on fish fingers way.

I don't understand. Are people doing housework and cooking late at night?

I leave work, pick up the kids, dinner, bath, bed - all of which are usually pretty hectic. Probably one of them will have a tantrum which will result in something getting messed up.

Then eat myself at 8pm or so. And then I watch telly until 9.30pm and then I go to bed to deal with night wakes and 5.30 start.

DH works away a lot of the time. Weekends seem to slip away. Do people manage to do things when they have 2 small DC - I can't leave mine for more than 5 mins really. And the small one just clings to me constantly. He won't let me go.

WHERE IS THE TIME?

I promise you - it's not usual levels of mess. it's making me so stressed. Every where I look there is dust, dirt, random socks.

I think I need to stop looking at Stacy Solomon on Instagram.

Any tips at all? How do I get on top of my life?

@BingBingGoAway don't give yourself a hard time for sitting down in the evenings. @Scottishgirl85 was slightly holier than thou about this. I have absolutely nothing left after we’ve eaten and the kids are asleep. It’s all I’m fit for. Everyone has different energy levels, different demands etc.

Tidy as you go – easier said than done sometimes when you're overwhelmed or exhausted… I tend to go in the kitchen and do 'ten things', that could be 4 things going in the dishwasher, 3 things going back in the cupboard, 1 thing going in the wash pile, 1 toy going in the front room and giving the table a wipe. I try and sit to eat with my boy 2 or 3 times a week, which can be early but that night I'll have fruit or toast with tea.

The only way I manage here:

Cleaner once a week for a couple of hours.
WFH twice a week, drop DS at nursery & come back to do 30-45 mins of laundry, putting away/general tidying or wiping down surfaces.
Getting rid of crap - bonus of making a bit of money for us or for charity by selling or donating clutter.
Making sure everything has a home & getting DS used to putting toys etc away.

I don’t like batch cooking, but I meal plan in an evening and then make sure I cook double the chilli/spag bol/lasagne whatever so we’ve got one reheating day and another “on toast” day. We all eat together so it’s one meal.

There’s only ever two options - lower standards or throw money at it.

On the subject of toys:

We have 'supervision' toys, which are generally anything messy, like art, play dough, kinetic sand, which the kids don't have access to unless I'm able to either supervise, or set up a clear space for them to be used (e.g. in the kitchen with some newspaper down). If they're playing with toys, it's fine for them to have some out, but you don't want to be getting plasticine out of the carpet because you turned your back for five minutes.

Do a serious cull of anything broken/outgrown, and then set up a toy rotation so there's a limit to how much of anything they can get out at any one time.

Be strict about new stuff coming in: don't buy new toys ad-hoc, make it birthdays and Christmas only. Make sure that friends and family know you're trying to get on top of it and don't add to the problem by buying glitter sand. If you've got one kind of construction toy (e.g. lego) you don't need Brio/K'nex/magnatiles as well. Set limits.

We have probably a smaller number of toys on average, and it's still plenty. Nursery almost certainly play a tidy up song and get kids to put their toys away before moving on to a new activity, so do it at home too.

Simplifying generally:

Kids capsule wardrobes are great; they really only need 7-10 tops and 7-10 bottoms. Donate anything outgrown or that they never wear. Keep outfits really simple, don't buy stuff ad-hoc, just at the start of autumn and the start of summer. Bundles off eBay or new, size up things like coats so they get two years out of them.

Meal planning: make a list of things your kids will eat, batch cook where you can, and repeat meals often. Children actually like familiarity and predictability. If their dinnertime is too early for you to eat with them, equally simplify your own meals so you're not cooking twice. Hummus, crudités and a pita or a microwave meal is my usual dinner if I'm single-handed with the kids.

Appointments: get your hair/opticians/dental appointments done in your lunch break if you can, and book the follow up then and there. Use your lunch break as productively as possible!

Totally relatable. Not really watched tv in 12 years! Only switched it in recently because the queen died !!
(have watched some Netflix, but not lots! & that’s all under my control and often very late and I usually fall asleep)

get a cleaner!!

get the kids to help …. Match socks or even identify who’s is who’s - make it a game - at least it’ll get done even if it does take longer.
daddy’s socks are bigger than your socks etc !

bin the spares !!

night before bin day have a 30 minute blast and fill the bin with clutter (you might then find there stuff to sell/recycle- but focus on doing it that night as it’ll be gone!)

train the children. My 12 & 14 year olds now cook dinner and di the clean up (sometimes!) …. It’s not without arguments! & it’s still stressful - but they have life skills.
…. they could pair socks and put them away better at 18 months than they can now though !!

I completely relate. My house is a shit tip. I've got 2 under 4 as well (3 and 6 months). 3 under 40 if you count DH... Quite frankly, I've given up for the next few years. So long as my kitchen is clean so we don't have a repeat of every one in the house becoming dual fountains December 2019.... (caught at someone else's house, but I never want to repeat the experience) I'm cool. There's toys, mess and dirt everywhere. I'm hoping that a laundry fairy will appear when I return to work, as atm I only manage to get it done when the toddler is at nursery.

So, I'm afraid I have no advice, but you are far from alone. I'm told it will get better as the kids get older. But it would be nice if it were better now without wishing the years away.

Get yourself the pelvic floor trainer! Game changer!

Sending hugs, my house and life often get a bit out of hand too and husband works away! Solidarity xx. I've found the organised mum Rick the housework podcasts really helpful she literally talks you through what to do as you're doing it .. otherwise I get very distracted! Xx

Aww bless you. Totally relate to this feeling of complete overwhelm.

The main thing is that it genuinely gets easier as they get older!! They will start to be able to occupy themselves for chunks of time. I have a 3 and 5 year old now - 3 and 18 months is SOOOO HARD.

The other best advice is declutter. Get rid of everything you even think you might not want. Join a Buy Nothing group on FB, or just give things away on fb marketplace. Once you start the habit it will get easier. Get a kallax shelf and a ton of boxes and just have a box for everything, hide it all away. Make things unaccessible to the kids, only have a few things out at a time.

And it's been said many times, but try to clean as you go.

I would try to take a big chunk of time, a few days maybe, to try and get on top of it, and then just try to do small things to maintain tidiness.

But you're doing a great job! You're essentially doing 3 full time jobs and there literally isn't the time - you also deserve time to mellow out in the evenings.

Sending love ❤️

Mine is d an absolute shit show. I dread visitors turning up unannounced.
I usually only clean if I know someone is coming over.

With work and young kids it's just draining and monotonous. It's miserable trying to keep on top of the house. Something has to give.

You sound exhausted.

I wouldn't compare your life to some celeb on insta, honestly I imagine they get waaaaay more help than they let on. Plus their homes are always spotless and grey/white...lines vacuumed in carpet, cooker sparkling...scented candles always lit...they have help for sure!

Are your kids clean? Yup.
Are your kids fed? Yup.
Are your kids happy? probably.
You're doing just fine. Apart from needing a bit of a break I feel.

If you can afford a cleaner then I would invest in that to help you out a bit, I personally find that I can't relax until my house is clean (despite having a newborn) as soon as she is napping, I'm loading the washer, tidying, dusting. It's never ending and once she is on the move I know I will find it more of a challenge.

Can a family member or friend help you out maybe one day a week either to watch the kids while you clean or come help you clean?

My hubby works away too and the loneliness and exhaustion can be overwhelming so take care of yourself as well as your little ones, the house work can wait!

I think you are being really hard on yourself. You need time to yourself to stop yourself going insane. This woman said that she and her hubby split most of the chores. You are mostly on your own. I think considering you are on your own so much and your hubby is unable to be present more it would be reasonable for him to offer one or two hours cleaning a week to make up from the absence? He may be working hard to provide but so are you, plus you’re on mum duty so it’s full time plus tax. If you keep being so disrespectful about yourself and your value you’ll get depressed. You sound like an amazing mummy trying to do her best. I also avoid giving my son baths every day- according to dermatologists young children should not bathe more than two or three times a week as it can remove natural oils from the skin. Despite having a cleaner once or twice a week my house is still a tip a lot of the time. I get overwhelmed and frustrated at times but I also have no interest of being the queen of domesticity. How young are your children, maybe you need some help with their sleep patterns from a specialist so you can get more sleep. If their sleep improves you’ll have more time in the evening as you can wake up later on. Without a break you will break.

I should add I don’t want to start conflict with your hubby. I’d word it like, ‘I really love you and miss you when you’re not home and I really need to let you know I’m struggling and feel overwhelmed. Can we look into getting a cleaner once a week for periods where it’s just me on my own.’ So it doesn’t come across as an attack on his absence as perhaps it’s a sensitive issue as it is for both of you. (Assumption)

You could've written your post about me! My house constantly looks like a small hurricane has ripped its way through it, to the point where I can't invite people in without several days notice. It's not good but I'm exhausted by the time I've got the kids down and need that time to decompress from the day, usually that means sitting down for the first time since 6am and vegetating Infront of the telly. Ideal? No. At this point necessary? Absolutely.

Don't really have any tips but just wanted to reassure you that there are other exhausted mums out there struggling to keep up, it's not just you

I batch cook a lot of one pot meals, and then I throw one of those into the microwave and we all eat together.
Having two sittings of dinner would take up my whole evening.

Also I only give them a bath if they actually need it. Probably 3 times a week at most. A warm washcloth is enough on the other nights.

I also have a cleaner. Money is tight so she only comes once a fortnight, but she scrubs the kitchen and bathroom, dusts and hoovers, and then mops the floors. I do very little cleaning in-between her visits, if any at all. I focus on the laundry and keeping stuff tidy (ish).

OP, when my boys were little I used to chuck them into the bath then clean the bathroom

When they were drifting off to sleep i would quite often rearrange and tidy their rooms quite slowly and quietly.

dishwasher while they’re eating

basically we were always together but I as being productive as well as chatting to them

I say this so you dont feel like other people are magic. I don’t work outside of working hours and neither does DH. Strongly recommend putting this boundary in place. You really can do it. DH and I both WFH full time so no commute. Only one DC. Regular cleaner. We just have a lot more time, and even a bit more time gives you headspace to use the time you have more effectively.

BUT we also have always got DC to be helpful, she absolutely loves helping and will rush away from toys to help with laundry/putting away shopping/mopping. I do think kids want to help and you can sort of train them over time to actually be useful? We have a learning tower which helps a lot with cooking, she’ll do little things like pull herb leaves off while we chat and I cook. She knows how to use my Kitchenaid mixer with supervision etc. it’s sort of 20% helpful but 100% occupies her while I get stuff done.

We also don’t have many toys, which means less mess and I think she actually focuses better with fewer options. She finds lots of random things fun (our exercise rollers, she spent 30 minutes putting on all my jewelry and high heels tonight).

but honestly, put some boundaries in place at work. Do not work after 5. Your life will change.

Try being a single parent, working full time.
All these posts that refer to OH's & splitting the chores makes me chuckle. There's only me. Doing it all. (I know, get the violin).

If I could afford to. I would get a cleaner. Or maybe a housekeeper. Or I'd ask the kids to leave. Yeah that might work.

Your life sounds exhausting, give yourself some slack for the sake of your mental health, which is more important right now than a pristine house.
Don' t buy into the "You can do it all" crap, yes if you have money and time maybe, but in a situation like yours applaud yourself for what your managing to get done, and remember this stage is only temporary, l find it easier keeping on top of the house now my kids are older.

It is relentless. Especially when you are working as hard as that. I'm a single mum, always have been really. I used to give myself a 'day off'. Say a Saturday where you commit to not bothering. No emptying the bins, folding the washing etc. I'd have very easy food for the kids. By about 4pm I'd feel a bit rested and in spite of myself end up doing my jobs. I'm on my 6th year of decluttering. We still have too many piles of doom but each lap of the house it does all get easier.

I have a full time job and on my own with 4 DC, husband works away. My house is very clean and tidy and I find it easy (not saying that smugly just explaining what the outcome of the following steps are)

1. You need to spend an entire weekend first of all getting all this sorted. You can’t piss in the wind, you need to start with it BEING clean before you can KEEP it clean. Get husband / mum, whoever to take your kids and ruthlessly blitz your house and car.

2. Part of this process is to DECLUTTER. I can’t stress this enough. Get rid of stuff. Each child only needs 3 pairs of pj’s. Maybe 10-15 toys (you decide) but the more clothes the more washing piles up, the more mess there is. Get rid of old tatty stuff.

3. Have PLACES for everything and have everything in its place. This is crucial for number 4. I have sock drawers, underwear drawers, a uniform section in the kids wardrobe separate to the rest of their clothes.A room where toys go and boxes for those toys. A draw for random bits in the kitchen like tape measures / batteries / bits that don’t have any other ‘home’

4. This is the important bit to keep on top easily. Having a ‘tidy mindset’. So for example, I’d never leave a bathroom without first folding up towels I used, wiping the sink of toothpaste a kid spat in it, drying the floor if wet, rinsing the bath after use.
   Id never just kick off my shoes and socks. I’d remove my shoes and put dirty socks straight in the laundry basket. If the kids or me take off clothes they get hung or folded up and put away in their place or in laundry. No exceptions.
   One a meal is eaten the plates and cooking utensils are washed up, surfaces wiped and floor swept. Immediately. It takes 5 -10 minutes but it’s done.
   If someone eats in the car they take their rubbish out with them. Always. No exceptions. Take it for a wash monthly.

So you don’t end up doing loads in the evenings or weekends as you just put things away as you go and wipe / tidy after you’ve made a mess.

On a weekend or a couple of weeknights I might look at a room and think, ‘oh I’ll give this room a good clean’ and it takes about 15-20 minutes tops to say, spray down the shower, bath and toilet, wipe it all, vacuum and mop the floor. Or dust all the furniture, wipe mirrors and telly screens in another room.

And I run the vacuum round daily (5 minutes) and mop the rooms that can be mopped 3-4 times a week. (10 minutes) So it’s just a matter of keeping on top.

In a nutshell you need to get on top of it all first in one go. Decclutter and then get a tidy mindset by clearing as you go. Having a place for everything and putting everything in its place.

Meal-planning for the week / batch cooking / recipe boxes if finances allow really help but if you come home to a clean, organised kitchen then taking 15 mins to cook a meal each night won’t feel like a big deal.

I hope that helps OP. Good luck.

Don’t beat yourself up for watching telly in the evening. You need some downtime otherwise you’ll burn out.
Do you think the cleaning and tidying is overwhelming because you feel like you need to tackle it all at once? When my little boy was a newborn I got so frustrated with having no cleaning time that I wrote a list of 20 minute cleaning tasks and added them to either weekly/ monthly or quarterly task lists. Then I just do the next thing at the top of the list when I have time and keep going I have used this list ever since because I don’t have to look at a whole mess and decide what needs doing most, just do what is next in the list. I even use an app called asana to automatically repopulate the list as I tick things off. I.e 1 hoovering upstairs 2 hoovering downstairs 3 hoovering edges. And I just work through in order. House isn’t spotless but I’m roughly up to date.

you are doing so much and with dh away don’t let anyone tell you that you shouldn’t watch telly!

This is the important bit to keep on top easily. Having a ‘tidy mindset’.

this absolutely is the key. I would never go to work leaving stuff all over the kitchen if take my clothes off and not put them in a basket. Hence, I need to clean but I seldom need to tidy.

My big tips would be eat with the kids and switch from TV to radio or podcasts or audible when you're home alone in the evening. Then you can chill a bit while doing some jobs.

Also your kids are tiny. It WILL get easier.

Things that stick out for me is to meal plan, get groceries delivered. Create habits so when the kids batch clean the bathroom, while the kettle boils wipe the counters, get a loaf of washing in a day. So wash through the night & hang out in a morning before work.
you could also do some less meaningful tasks while you watch tv, ironing, pairing socks etc.
I might even consider planning a big decluttering one weekend. Get the kids involved.

get yourself a cleaner, and eat with the kid mama.

also. That’s a lot of hours to be working with 2 small children. could you change your hours? Cut down, start your own business so you have some flexibility?

I hope this helps.