To ask how messy your house really is?

[BingBingGoAway]

My life is total chaos. I have 2DS under 4 and I work full time in a job that needs me to check stuff in evenings.

And my life is a total mess. And I mean - not in a classis 'oh it's so disorganised way' - in a unclean bathroom, car is disgusting, kids live on fish fingers way.

I don't understand. Are people doing housework and cooking late at night?

I leave work, pick up the kids, dinner, bath, bed - all of which are usually pretty hectic. Probably one of them will have a tantrum which will result in something getting messed up.

Then eat myself at 8pm or so. And then I watch telly until 9.30pm and then I go to bed to deal with night wakes and 5.30 start.

DH works away a lot of the time. Weekends seem to slip away. Do people manage to do things when they have 2 small DC - I can't leave mine for more than 5 mins really. And the small one just clings to me constantly. He won't let me go.

WHERE IS THE TIME?

I promise you - it's not usual levels of mess. it's making me so stressed. Every where I look there is dust, dirt, random socks.

I think I need to stop looking at Stacy Solomon on Instagram.

Any tips at all? How do I get on top of my life?

Don't sacrifice your me time or you'll burn out.

If you are both working ft you need a cleaner.

The childcare costs are only temporary.

@BingBingGoAway I can completely relate. And we only have one child. My day is similar to yours - there's just not enough hours in the day at the moment.

I live on my own, work full time in nhs, have 2 cats and sometimes my house looks like a herd of buffalo has run around inside.
It's currently immaculate after a weekend clean, I'll probably manage to keep it tidy for about a week before the buffaloes come back. Beats me how this can happen when it's just me here and I am not at home during the day.

I lied. Its not quite immaculate I just found a mouse liver in the spare room which means the rest of the carcass must be somewhere in the house rotting 🤔
The kids are never too young to do chores. I taught my DS to cook and clean as he grew up and by the time he was 13 he could contribute to the household in a meaningful way. Especially important for boys.
Don't be a galley slave to kids who are capable of helping. He is 40 now and when he visits he will do the washing up without being asked. Unlike DiL who was dragged up.

Honestly? We have a cleaner. She's a godsend and actually having her coming over forces us to tidy so she can actually get to everything to clean.

Regular decluttering so we're not drowning in stuff, especially the children's toys. We have a big ikea kallax unit in the living room and in the DDs bedrooms so toys just get chucked into those boxes then stored away. DDs aren't allowed TV on until they've tidied away their toys.

We have ridiculously simple meals most of the time. As an example DDs are currently eating porridge with berries for their dinner. It's quick and nutritious so I choose not to worry about it. We eat with them as often as is practical to cut down on cooking twice but meals are often pesto pasta, mushrooms on toast, soup and bread, jacket potato with beans etc. Quick, cheap, fills them up. I would feel guiltier about this if they didn't have free school dinners/proper meals at nursery.

When DH and I are both home one of us does bedtime and the other tidies up. We only do bathtime two or three times a week. Once is always on a weekend morning when things are less rushed.

You're all bloody brilliant. (Except for the onr remark about "having enough time for Instagram 😘)

When DH is home I do try the "one of us does bed while the other tidies" but DH struggles with putting them both to bed at same time. DS are 18 months and just turned 3 and they're hard to get down to sleep to be honest

I definitely think we could be better with toys. At the weekend I get on with stuff while the two kids play with toys and within 10 mins everything is everywhere. Puzzle pieces, playdo, it's awful.

I have thought about ADHD before. All my make up is I'm about 7 different bags. Fridge has stuff about 2 months out of date. It's not normal

If no one has suggested this, use audiobooks instead of television so you can be entertained while going about the house doing chores.

An hour and a half each weeknight in front of the tube is equivalent to a full working day per week. And how do the weekends "slip away" ? You need a plan and to designate either Saturday or Sunday morning for cleaning, organizing and batch cooking.

Vile. That is what describes my house. I have had the same dead fly on the bathroom windowsill for about 10 months now.
My mental health is crap, and any sort of executive function even more so.

I feel for you OP. When my DC were that age it felt like a constant whirlwind to get everything done. My house was a total mess virtually all the time and I dreaded anyone turning up unannounced on the doorstep.

The DC are now teenagers and certainly for us it’s got far easier as they’ve got older. DH and I earn more so we can afford a weekly cleaner, which we couldn’t until a couple of years ago. She is a total life changer. We also have a larger house now and the DC have fewer big plastic possessions to take over the house!

Sending you a hug. When my DC were that age I was completely convinced that my house was the only messy one. I’m now reading this thread and thinking that perhaps I was wrong! But honestly - happy, loved, well fed children are so much more important than whether or not the toys have been put away and there’s ketchup in the sink!

Also I desperately need a haircut, dentist, opticians and my pelvic floor is screwed. I went to physio (at great expense) who gave me exercises and plenty of advice etc and I haven't followed any of it. I don't know what's wrong with me. I turn up at work at 9am and manage a whole team and nobody would have any idea how I live.

I have 3 kids but 2 are under 5.
I can’t live with mess so have my cleaning routine down to about 20 minutes a day.
I get up around 5:30 and shower whilst the girls are asleep. Make their breakfast and get dressed whilst they eat. I quickly make the beds as well.
Wash and dress the girls, put the breakfast bits in the dishwasher. Leave the house at 7:45 (The house is tidy as I leave it tidy before I go to bed)

Get home from school/work around 5pm, the girls play and watch tv whilst I make dinner.
They have a shower before bed (We don’t have a bath) whilst they shower I give the bathroom a quick wipe round. They like to play in their room after a shower so I use that time to put washing on, empty the dishwasher, hoover, sweep etc, 20 minutes usually. We have a story then the youngest goes to bed. My teenager does her own thing so me and the 5 year old do some reading and homework if she has any! Once she’s in bed (7-7:30) I make my dinner, I’ll do small jobs whilst it’s cooking, fold the washing, dust, anything I can fit in!

I think once you have a clean, tidy house you can keep on top of it rather than feeling like it’s a huge effort to get to the state that you want and it to be.

What to you mean, how you live?!

You've got a demanding job and kids/house is another full time job.

You're doing amazingly. You just need some help. Imagine being asked to do your entire team's work. That would be ridiculous! It's the same here.

Get a cleaner. That's a good first step.

You're not a robot, you're a human who also needs fun and downtime, not going from one job to another job to another job relentlessly.

Both full time workers, I also have to work at home in the evenings. It's nowhere near as clean and tidy in my house as I would like. I cook every evening so kids are fed pretty well and kitchen wiped down daily. DH hoovers and cleans bathroom once a week. We have a quick tidy each evening but usually just means dumping stuff to the side. Kids bedrooms are v. untidy. The biggest problem is so much stuff and no time to sort it all. I dread visitors!

You probably have adhd. Fine with work because you have deadlines and expectations, not good with housework. You probably don’t enjoy it and feel overwhelmed. You have no deadlines to get you motivated to do it.

There is no magic answer with adhd and what works one week may not work the next. So try different things and delegate what you can.

Having a timer and writing lists and ticking them off is great. But make sure it is small and manageable tasks and specific. Eg - do 1 load of laundry. Tidy one drawer. Sort the shoes out. Decide 5 meals. Write a shopping list for said meals. Book a dental appointment.

Dont try and do everything outstanding at once because it is too much and too overwhelming and you’ll end up doing nothing. Do 3 things of your list a day. Choose what you feel like doing.what you feel is easiest. That is a good motivator.

I have adhd and I’m very good at forgetting what I have done and focusing on what I haven’t done. A list is great. Ticking them off makes you feel good about yourself and encourages you to do more.

Also means that you give yourself permission to relax and enjoy yourself because you have ticked off some stuff.

simplify your life and home as much as possible

@BingBingGoAway just wanted to say I’m in a very similar position! We do have a cleaner though so at least I feel like everything is clean even if there is mess. It is very very hard. And I’m not giving up my chill out time in the evening when I’m exhausted and just want to sit down for a bit. Some people clearly have a lot more energy than me. I am hoping it will become much easier when the kids are a few years older. We can live in hope anyway.

Can you try and have 1-2 whole days without kids to completely declutter and clean the house and make sure everything has a place? I watch TV on headphones whilst I clean!

Firstly, don’t be so hard on yourself and DEFINITELY unfollow anyone who makes you feel anything but positive. I’ve had to mute one of my friends, as she’s all over Insta, with her house cleaning etc! I have to remind myself that our circumstances are very, very different.

Can you take some holiday from work, and just focus on getting the house straight and then to keep on top of it, tidy as you go and maybe get the kids involved?

#bekind @Nyfluff !

Actually my house is quite clean!

I was simply offering a different type of help and support. Many of the PPs brand of 'support' on here could be summarised as 'clean more' and 'give up all your down time'. Not realistic or particularly supportive. HTH

I could take one to two days off as annual leave and put the kids in childcare if that's what you mean...yes as a one off to get back on track

My DS who is 3 is chaotic. I try to get him to tidy up but its so exhausting and when he loses his temper he often throws everything around. We had the HV out who said I need to be firmer which I am being. Lots of tears though and I do wonder if we both have ADHD.

I don't want a perfect house. Honestly it's not about that. Its chaos and dirt like gross, worrying amounts of mess, not the carpets haven't been hovered in a few days. I feel ashamed. It looks like the house of someone not coping and then I think maybe I'm just not coping but on the surface it's all fine....just nobody really comes to the house but me and kids are always clean, washed etc.

Eat dinner with your kids, get them to help set table/ clear plates. Don't bath them every night it's and for their skin. If you have a shower head you can hose them down in a minute.

Slow cooker is good for having meals done in advance.

Our house is cluttered but we have the most amazing, non judgemental cleaner who comes once a week and is entirely responsible for the shredded of sanity I have left. They're still piles of crap everywhere but they're straight and everything around them is clean.

We also have one room that is the dumping room (sadly it's currently my bedroom) but all clean laundry not put away waits in their and the random piles it sort go in there.

I clear the kitchen after the kids have gone to bed but watch a show or two whilst I do it.

I will be honest I’ve never really struggled to be tidy I struggle more to be untidy I cannot bear to not find things. Generally I think it’s my personality so it’s hard to explain but I just do things in bundles at the same time instead of one task at once. My job is like this too so it kind of comes naturally I just know everything has a home or it goes in the bin. My DP really struggles with keeping things tidy with his kids (so I help him) but I notice that he is usually doing irrelevant crap that isn’t really important instead of just simply Tidying up. He always wants to leave plates till tomorrow but it takes less time to wash 4 than it does 12, so just wash them while talking to kids. Also get kids to do things. I got his kids to clean their room last night took 20 mins but he would leave it 5 days till they go back to their mums and by then it’s 5 days of mess not 1 day!

I think to get going you need a one off clean and throw a lot out, things you don’t need are always what will hold you back

Just hold your nerve OP. If your eldest is 3 you're really in the thick of the chaotic years. I'm a couple of years ahead of you, DDs are 5 and 3 and DD1 will actually help tidy up now (throwing toys in boxes.) DD2.....fat chance, although she's getting better. Hang on in there.

The more I find out about ADHD in adult women, the more I wonder who wrote my biography...

Traditionally the house has only been clean and tidy from 10 minutes before a visitor came to about 12 hours afterwards, regardless of how much time I did or didn't have. The Organised Mum has created new subscription content "Rock the Housework" which are guided cleans (like C25k type instructions) with podcasts from 5mins to an hour. It's astounding me what can be achieved in regular bursts of 5 to 20 minutes and it's the first time I've felt like I'm coping with housework. Even tiny timed bursts gradually make the house better. Not showhome (which I have no aspiration to achieve anyway) but better. At £3.60 per month it is more affordable than a cleaner and cuts out the obligations involved in that. There are some free samples accessible on Spotify/ Patreon.

Dana K White/ a slob comes clean is also realistic about home management and motivating.

Down time in the evening is important, but streamlining your routine (multiple dinners, baths) and doing some little maintainence bursts around it, then focusing some structured time to make more of a dent at the weekends might help to balance home/ family life/ work/ yourself.

Yes I am often cleaning at 10pm. 😫I work ten hours a day and have a blended family of 7 kids, four with SEN. I don’t watch TV. I’d rather get my life ready for the following day.

I do not have a show home at all, it’s lived in, we are overcrowded, and there’s dog floof, but the laundry is always put away as it pisses me off and the kitchen cleared every day, bathroom and kitchen are proper deep cleaned on a Saturday. Every six months I go mental and wipe all the woodwork and walls in the whole house and redecorate at least one room.

If you can't allow yourself even 1.5hrs of downtime then what's the point of working so hard and living. If is shit when kids are teeny and it's especially hard when DH is away. If you have any spare money at all I think you need to get a cleaner.

Then as others say tidy as you go, declutter and be organised about your house the way you are at work. Read through the organised mum method - some great tips there - 45 mins a day should allow you to keep on top of it all but if you don't have 45 mins do 15 mins focused effort