To ask how messy your house really is?

[BingBingGoAway]

My life is total chaos. I have 2DS under 4 and I work full time in a job that needs me to check stuff in evenings.

And my life is a total mess. And I mean - not in a classis 'oh it's so disorganised way' - in a unclean bathroom, car is disgusting, kids live on fish fingers way.

I don't understand. Are people doing housework and cooking late at night?

I leave work, pick up the kids, dinner, bath, bed - all of which are usually pretty hectic. Probably one of them will have a tantrum which will result in something getting messed up.

Then eat myself at 8pm or so. And then I watch telly until 9.30pm and then I go to bed to deal with night wakes and 5.30 start.

DH works away a lot of the time. Weekends seem to slip away. Do people manage to do things when they have 2 small DC - I can't leave mine for more than 5 mins really. And the small one just clings to me constantly. He won't let me go.

WHERE IS THE TIME?

I promise you - it's not usual levels of mess. it's making me so stressed. Every where I look there is dust, dirt, random socks.

I think I need to stop looking at Stacy Solomon on Instagram.

Any tips at all? How do I get on top of my life?

sending you much support! 💕 I have felt the same the past 3 years and I only have 1 3.5 year old (baby 2 expected any day).

I started a business when my baby was 6mo; my partner works full time; we have no family near by; we weren’t fully planning our daughter and weren’t ‘set up’ for family life and we moved to a ‘doer upper’ 2 years ago. It’s been full on.

here’s what’s helped:

• when one parent is doing bedtime the other does a ‘room reset’ (a basic tidy / clean of each room)
• we all eat together
• meal planning with v easy meals for the days we are all at work / nursery
• Continually clearing the junk out of the house; I take stuff to the charity shop almost every week
• inviting friends round for play dates to keep child entertained while I clean, and being quite forward asking others to mind my little one
• at weekends we each take our daughter out for half a day so the other parent can do a more in-depth clean

hope some of those are useful even though I hear your partner works away. It’s bloody hard xx

For everyday tidiness, I try to have 15-20 minutes of ‘everyone help to tidy the house” each night after dinner and before the bedtime routine. Helps to manage the main offenders like toys, dishes, kitchen surfaces, dirty laundry, and school paraphernalia.

When mine were too little to help, I used to put on a podcast just after putting them down and spend maybe just half an hour whizzing around to get it into a decent state. It helped my sanity so much to be able to sit down without piles of mess around my ears at night. I used to fold a load of laundry in front of the tv in the evenings. One load at a time is easier than an enormous pile at the weekend.

Other suggestions:

• Eat together and then tidy up together. Saves time, nice to have family time around the table, and the kids get in the routine of cleaning up after themselves afterwards.
• Get a cleaner if you can afford it. Mine comes on Mondays to give us a clean slate after the weekend, which I Iove.
• One load every day is easier than 4-5 loads on Saturday. We strip the beds and wash/change the sheets the day the cleaner comes. She can swap loads over and hang stuff up to dry.
• Meal plan before you do the weekly shop so that you know what you are having each night and don’t have to think about it when you get home.

I tidy as I go. I'm one of those people who can't sit still until everything's in its place and I still have time for a hour or two at bedtime for my tv shows. (However I only sleep about 6 hours a night)

I would eat at the same time as the kids though, making two lots of meals is just time consuming.

I work only three/four days a week - on my days off I spend a lot of time cleaning/sorting. Now I’m back at uni too we need to be totally organised to stay on top of things - and my youngest is 6! So having two really little ones and struggling is really understandable.

One thing I think helps is prioritising. For me a clean kitchen and bathroom are really important, so we all clean up after ourselves. Even the kids know if they make a sandwich they must immediately put the knife in the sink and wipe up any crumbs/mess - cleaning as you go stops it ever getting really disgusting. Same with bathroom, we all clean up after ourselves then it just needs a wipe round in the morning.

Not sure if I missed it but are you on your own? Obviously if so that makes it that bit harder. And if not is your partner an equal force in the house?

Oh OP I can empathise. My DS are both under three, I work two jobs part-time and I struggle to clean too.

As another poster has said I'd highly recommend doing dinners together. Our usual evening routine is tea as a family at 6pm, then bath and bed at 7pm for both of them. I've found it easier to cook meals we can all eat. Once they're in bed, usually around 7.30pm, I'll then spend 30 mins or so catching up on washing or cleaning. Although since I bath the boys together, DH usually cleans and tidies while I sort them. But we both WFH so it's easier for us to do this.

Don't spend your evenings cleaning and then go straight to bed knackered. You are already checking work in the evenings, have two young DC and work full time. You need to take some time out each day for your own well-being otherwise you'll burn out.
You can't do everything, and if the money isn't there to outsource then you need to lower your standards. Would it be affordable to get someone in for a one off deep clean now and again? Or maybe do a deep clean once a month while DH takes the DC out (or vice versa). Then try and keep on top of it. Get up half hour earlier and do what you can in half an hour? Focus on the kitchen and bathroom being hygienic and keeping on top of the washing. Just get through the next few years and things will get easier.

I have a 2.5yo and a 5mo, currently on mat leave which makes things easier but I put a wash in every morning and any dry clothes are usually put away in dribs and drabs, we wash up dishes as we use them and clean the kitchen after breakfasts are done. Bed is made and general tidy round in bedroom before we go downstairs. Living room is tidied on an evening whilst DD1 is having her supper and vac up then, outfits for the following day are sorted when the kids are asleep. DP usually cleans the bathroom after he has had a bath. But DD1 is happy to potter around in whatever room we are in 'helping' or keeps the baby entertained which makes things easier

Put on a podcast/audio book when doing boring chores. It makes the chore fade away to the background as your mind is engaged elsewhere.

I do small, quick bursts of cleaning (e.g. like a 30 second swizz around the sink and a quick wipe of the bathroom floor while waiting for bath to fill).
A couple of those every day stops things getting overwhelming.

Sorry I haven't read whole thread - could you afford a cleaner even fortnightly, or pay for a one-off deep clean and tidy?

Ruthless decluttering will help. It's easier to keep eg kitchen clean if surfaces are empty

And for cleaning / tidying / laundry, I think little and often is the way to go

Do you have a large freezer? Ours is full of eg curry, lasagne, pasta sauce, so quite often all we have to do is defrost a meal for the next day

For admin eg paying for school trips, get into the habit of doing it immediately, rather than put it off

My sister comes round once a week and cleans and tidies for 2 hours! I can work anywhere between 50-70 hrs a week and just can't be bothered after being on my feet all day. Lifesaver!

Oh I see you said DH works away a lot. Is this sustainable for you as a family? Does it work with you being left alone much of the time to work full time and basically act as a lone parent? My DH does also work away/very long shifts sometimes. When the kids were small we had to come to a decision about that because him being away and me working and trying to do everything else wasn’t feasible. It ended up with me staying at home for a while but I only earned NMW so for us it worked better. If you both earn well it would possibly benefit you as a family for him to look at whether he can stop/reduce working away since his wife is also working a lot and trying to raise two very young kids alone.

I only mention it because back then I could have read all the helpful tips and Organised Mom Marie Kondo whatever and it wouldn’t have helped because it was wasn’t sustainable for me to be a full time mum to toddlers, keep a nice home that I was happy with, and work full time with DH often not home from work until very very late. Everything to keep a house running can’t be done alone in twenty minutes after work, it just can’t.

Jeez Louise, don't take any notice of Stacey Solomon 🙊

It’s tough but you’re doing your best as an almost single parent. Also as your DH works away a lot you’re probably carrying most of the mental load too.

A few things that jumped out of your OP:

• don’t compare you’re self with people on instagram; firstly they are only showing you what they want you to see, secondly it’s just a waste of time and finally it’s not making you feel good about yourself.
• batch cook. I know you say you can’t leave your DC’s for 5 mins but it is never too soon to get them involved with cooking. They love to fetch things, ‘ help’ you measure things, stir things, taste etc and then they get to eat what they’ve made!
• which leads into eat with them. No point in cooking twice of an evening and eating with them is so good for their social skills.
• finally small and regular tidying as you go. Get them to help tidying up their toys before you go up for bath time. Have a place for everything and spend 10-15 mins after you’ve put them to bed throwing everything into it’s place and then you can sit down feeling less stressed as the house looks more tidy (even if your cupboards and storage boxes are actually a mess inside!)

don’t be hard on yourself - it’s tough but like all things with small children it too will pass.

It's tidy and becomes messy as the week progresses. Plus the renovation makes containing the mess an arduous task.

• Eat dinner together
• Bath 3 times a week is fine
• Soon as washing is done, put on clothes hangers and then hang out, once dry, put straight in the wardrobe (only clothes I fold and put in drawers) are pajamas
• Have a big declutter (makes it much easier and quicker to clean)
• Hire a cleaner if you can
• Batch cook large portions on your day off
• Use a box on the bottom of the stairs to put everything in that needs to upstairs
• Don't leave a room empty handed

It's really very, very hard. And can be very depressing if you are someone who prefers to be in a neat and tidy environment. The best I can offer is to cut down in the amount of toys in the house and try to figure out clothing. Laundry was always the biggest task for me so try to figure out how to have fewer clothes except for what is absolutely necessary. Then make sure that all socks match etc. Do it in the weekend and then put all weekday outfits together so that clothing is organized and easy to grab. Remember, less is more. Cuts down on the clutter so you are only washing and tidying what you need.

Remove Instagram etc from your phone. All of a sudden I had so much time!

You work FT & your DH works away so you CAN 'justify' a cleaner. Of course it is up to you if that is what you choose to spend money on, but it would help immeasurably.

I've run a cleaning company briefly, and run my own household for 25 years. Don't set your bar too high.
These are some of my conclusions:
Minimise clutter and clothes owned.
Dishwashing - daily
Clothes washing - weekly
Kitchen worktops / hob - weekly
Hoovering - monthly
Sinks - monthly
Bath /shower - 3 months
Floors - monthly
Windows - yearly
Deep cleaning eg fridge, kitchen cupboards - once per year /every other year.
(based on the fact you are all out the house all week.)

Your children are small so it will be messy, it goes with the territory.

My house is organised one 11 month old and a 6 year old I spend the night time tidying the house once the kids are in bed it’s the only way to stay on top of it once everything’s organised it’s easier to stay on top off you could get a lot done in the 1.5 hours your using to watch tv, I also take the kids into the rooms I need to do stuff in so putting clothes away etc we just go to that room to get jobs done it’s hard work but you have to get a system to stay on top of it, I have a cleaner who comes once a week which helps but I spend most of the Thursday still tidying away every object so it’s ready for Friday for the cleaning it helps me stay on top of it because I know it has to be done before they come. Don’t worry though it won’t be this way forever small kids are hard work ! Also I batch cook too I make big meals of bolo,chilli;curry’s etc and freeze the rest to easily pull out.

Watch/listen to Dana K White podcasts or YouTube. Everyone can benefit from her, honestly. She started blogging as 'a slob comes clean' & developed a system that worked for HER, which she has shared (made a business out of) you do NOT need to be a slob or a hoarder to benefit out of her system.

she focusses on decluttering (the organisation just happens because of the way she declutters). Progress & only progress (so you never make a space worse than when you started) 5 minute pick up (every single day do 5 minutes pick up, you can set a timer & it's not a way to make you do longer!) Literally 5 minutes every day makes a difference! Do Dishes Daily (it makes a big difference)

.She talks about your personal clutter threshold (she's NOT into minimalism) & she has a theory on 'containers'. Your house is a container, your room is a container, a shelf is a container, a box is a container. It's a bit like Russian Dolls! Essentially you decide how much 'container space' something is given, when you fill that, you take out your least favourite things & replace with your favourite things until you can donate or throw away the rest. Take t shirts for example, you decide how much space you want to allocate to t shirts, you might choose a drawer. Put all your T-shirts in it, when there's no space left you remove your least favourite ones & replace with those you like better. Decide as you go whether the one you remove is donate or rubbish Do that. Then you'll have a drawer full of the T-shirts you like best. That you can access, that don't end up in a heap on the floor. If you're given/want to buy another t shirt you need to decide whether you like it better than one of your existing ones or not. One of them needs to go in your donation box. IF you live in T-shirts you can (of course) choose to have two drawers for T-shirts , BUT you have to accept that you then have one less drawer for jeans/shirts - whatever.

This concept can be applied to any item/any space.

Your house is the ultimate container - if you have too much stuff you can't keep on top of it.

her FIRST step is to take a donatable donate box (one you can give to the charity & not need to bring it home) and a (preferably black) rubbish bag and remove all actual rubbish & 'easy' donate items.

Dana K White is her name. Even if you think you don't need to declutter, you do.

I was (laughably) accused of being Dana K White. I'm not! I have just used her system to make my life easier AND helped friends with it. It works. it works controlling laundry & keeping the house tidy! Even to cooking & keeping on top of the kitchen.

[and of course, you can tweak it to suit your life!! I don't have any desire to do my laundry like her (she has A laundry day because it works for her, she gets distracted & ends up with laundry sitting in the machines otherwise. I do not, my laundry fits in around the weather & other things]

I like Dawn of minimalist mom (but she's too minimalist for me) & Cas of Clutterbug, but DANA K WHITE is the one who has been life changing. Honestly.

Sorry to sound harsh but it really is the eating separately and the hour and a half sat in front of the TV. Im not saying you have to cut this out but I’m saying that it’s a trade off and if you want more time to tidy clean organise etc then this is it.

it’s a trade off. Just three nights cutting out the tv would make a difference I suspect.

What you are trying to do is impossible, go easy on yourself. I felt the same when mine were little. There are lots of people who are the same as you, the house is always a tip, everything is busy, you always feel behind, you are not alone. The problem is that you see lots of people around you who seem to be managing, but when you dig a bit deeper they work part-time, or have a cleaner, or have extensive family help or have a partner who works part-time and does a lot, or have different aged kids who are easier. And there are a few who just work (in house and out house) all the time and never relax - but I'm not sure that's particularly healthy either. You're doing 2 full time jobs and you're doing your best.

I was in a similar position.

I decluttered massively. Honestly I was ruthless. It's made such a difference. There's much less crap to put away.
I tidy as I go and never leave a room empty handed. Don't put it down put it away.

My major is washing, it's the root cause of all arguments in this house. There's 7 of us in total. The machine is constantly on and I'm forever folding. I've started taking it straight up and laying into piles on bed. Then when I go to bed in the evening it gets moved into corresponding rooms. (Normally while I'm running the bath for myself)

Ours isn’t great either but I hate clutter and mess so really try.

things I find help:
eat all together on week days
cook double of anything that can be frozen
only bath kids 3 times a week unless visibly dirty
wipe round bathroom while they are in bed
make sure kitchen is wiped down and dishwasher loaded after dinner
have enough school uniform for whole week
get a cleaner to do big jobs if finances allow
make sure DH pitches in when around