To ask how messy your house really is?

[BingBingGoAway]

My life is total chaos. I have 2DS under 4 and I work full time in a job that needs me to check stuff in evenings.

And my life is a total mess. And I mean - not in a classis 'oh it's so disorganised way' - in a unclean bathroom, car is disgusting, kids live on fish fingers way.

I don't understand. Are people doing housework and cooking late at night?

I leave work, pick up the kids, dinner, bath, bed - all of which are usually pretty hectic. Probably one of them will have a tantrum which will result in something getting messed up.

Then eat myself at 8pm or so. And then I watch telly until 9.30pm and then I go to bed to deal with night wakes and 5.30 start.

DH works away a lot of the time. Weekends seem to slip away. Do people manage to do things when they have 2 small DC - I can't leave mine for more than 5 mins really. And the small one just clings to me constantly. He won't let me go.

WHERE IS THE TIME?

I promise you - it's not usual levels of mess. it's making me so stressed. Every where I look there is dust, dirt, random socks.

I think I need to stop looking at Stacy Solomon on Instagram.

Any tips at all? How do I get on top of my life?

One thing that did help me when kids were little was abandoning eating adult meals. So instead of doing myself a curry, I'd just do omelette and salad or jacket potato and veg or just pasta with cheese and tuna and we'd all eat really simple meals together (often really just a collection of fairly nutritious food on a plate, rather than a proper recipe) - it was one less thing to think about / do and the kids actually sometimes ate better like this than if I did an extravagant chilli or something.

It’s far more common than is admitted. We still shame women over it socially as a society.
At a similar life stage my house was only vaguely acceptable because I had a cleaner. During covid when wfh with no cleaner and the kids it was borderline actionable! Thankfully my lovely cleaner (who also tidies, they do exist despite what mumsnet says) is back and kids back out of the house so some semblance of normal has returned. But if I invite someone over it’s still going to be in the day or two after the cleaner has been so your impression will not be of our average!

For me, it's the 1.5hrs telly time. I do not watch tv anymore, i listen to music and potter and clean. It wasn't a conscious decision and i realised it the other day when someone asked if I'd been watching bakeoff, my favourite, and i didn't even know it had started. Bakeoff is the price I've paid for not wanting to throw myself out of the window when i look at the state of the house, don't know how i feel about it. Considering a cleaner.

When your DH is home, does he do his share?

Definitely stop looking at instagram where the content is manipulated, deactivate or only follow people that don't make you feel shit. I'm feeling very overwhelmed with DIY at the moment, everything seems to be failing at the same time and since my husband refuses to do any DIY it's always left to me.

My house has constant low level mess, and although I clean the bathroom and kitchen and push a hoover around, there are always things that don't get done (windows, wiping down doors, dusting anything fiddly) which combine with the many small repairs I haven't done to make the place a bit scruffy.

I only work 30 hours a week and I don't work evenings at all so there is literally no excuse. It was worse in the pandemic when people weren't coming in and out to see it.

Sounds like you're doing pretty well in the circumstances!

I will look into cleaner costs but couldn't justify it to myself with all the energy bills plus two kids in childcare which is getting on for £2k a month

You’re an adult down in the week if it’s just you trying to do it all - care for 2x under-school-age children, work full time and do everything domestic. You NEED a cleaner - what do you pay for that you don’t need? Subscription to streaming that you don’t use, etc.? What can you economise on that will free up a bit of cash for a cleaner? Even if it’s just fortnightly to do big cleaning, that frees you up to just ‘maintaining’ wipe-round etc and you’ll find the tidying easier.

Yet time to scroll through Instagram?

The 30 minute window for cleaning really works for me. I try and use it to clean a bathroom, sort a Laundry basket, or clean a cupboard. It's surprising what can be done in a short period of time.

This is unnecessarily bitchy. Sometimes I am emotionally and physically drained and the only thing I have energy for is mindless scrolling. Such a nasty, judgemental comment, you should be ashamed, but I bet you won't be.

I remember those days well. I will say I worked 4 full days a week, so I had more time than you. I organised childcare for the 5th day, and that day I spent shopping and making bolognese sauce, lasagne, chicken casseroles, veggie soups, that sort of thing. I’d package up the food and put it in the fridge/freezer ready for the coming week. I did have a cleaner once a week who changed all the beds and gave the floors and bathroom a good going over. Weekends were spent on a reasonable amount of housework.

if I ran out of dinners, my go-to was home made beans on toast with a fried egg. Just a couple of tins of haricot or butter beans, a tin of chopped tomatoes and some seasoning in a saucepan, heat, serve on toast with an egg. Perfectly nutritious and the kids still eat it and their late teens now.

I second sceinicway’s idea of getting rid of stuff. It’s just too hard to keep tidy.

there is no easy way to do it, at that age you really don’t have a spare moment, you just have to stay on top of it. It’s really hard, I know. No one does it perfectly.

I work almost full-time hours and have two kids under six. I’m also trying to keep my house tidy and clean to sell it, with viewings every week. I co-parent though so have a few mornings/evenings a week child-free for extra cleaning, which is really how I keep on top of things. Can’t afford a cleaner.

The other way I cope is by working from home and running around doing jobs on my lunch break. As my kids are a little older than yours they play together for a little while and will sometimes watch tv alone. Hopefully in the next year or two you’ll gradually find things get easier.

I eat alone later too as I can’t really enjoy my dinner if I eat with the kids, they’re constantly needing help or crying about something.

I actually took a day of on Friday to catch up on cleaning. It is relentless!

when I became a single parent working full time with 3 dcs I learnt how to really prioritise my days and hours, I have 3 ages 13,7&4 and my house now sits like a show home most days, I have friends who come in and slag me rotten and ask how and why I do it but if my home isn’t tidy clean and organised then my mind isn’t either so basically I meal prep Sundays for a whole week so meals just need warmed up, I get up in the morning sort breakfast myself and kids, tidy up as I go, get out the door , come in at night do dinner and baths and showers then the kids sit up on iPads or tv while I clean and hoover the whole house they go to bed for 7.30 apart form oldest, I then shower and go to bed for 9 watch Netflix and that’s really that. It’s just about routine and finding what works best for you

Oh, and the sock thing? I used to buy one kind of sock. I had 3 kids within 18months (including twins). They all wore the same socks. When they were all at school there was a communal uniform drawer. Socks, hats, polo shirts. Of course the girls had skirts, but they shared those too. All the same size. They’re 15 and 17 now. I still do it!

Ours is pretty organised and clean, we both work FT. Key points for me:

1. Declutter so it's easy to clean
2. Laundry like bedding to laundry if you get overnight with it.
3. Cleaner once a week
4. Wash then fold as you go - I have a separate space for laundry, everyone has to collect their pile and put it away
5. Everyone has jobs
6. If the kids get something out they put it away
7. Never buy anything without you know where it will live
8. Be ruthless about recycling, donating and chucking out
9. When you get 10 or 15 mins clean a.drawer out or a wardrobe to keep on top of it

When things get really out of hand I get my large shopping bags out or those large ikea blue ones are fab, each bag is for a person or room in the house, I go in a room and chuck everything related to say DC1 etc into the their bag, then DC2, myself etc, next place the bag in the room it’s supposed to be in, and this is the difficult part, then make time to unpack each bag, my downstairs is generally tidier than upstairs but I don’t worry about that so much. My friend has a sock bag for the whole family, once clean and dry all socks live in this bag and each member gets them from the bag, apparently saves her lots of time.

cleaning as you go, choosing a book for DC, then pop all others back on the bookshelf, boiling the kettle, fill or empty dishwasher, set a timer, I’m going to do xxx for 15 mins then that’s it for the evening.

Currently on maternity leave with second DS, but prior to this both DH and I work full time and studied a post graduate qualification, mine is now finished thankfully.

Things that help:
Robot hoover- this keeps the house looking presentable.
We we’re doing the Organised Mum Method (15 min each) but now doing my own sort of version. One room each weekend gets a proper tidy for half an hour or an hour (with DH and 5 yo as well)
Clothes are washed and dried throughout the week, but put away on weekends.
We all eat together at 6, and I meal plan and have the shopping delivered.

Cook less. No way would I cook two meals a night. Batch cook at weekends - just one meal, I always have some of the bbc good food slow cooker recipe in the freezer. Make twice the amount on monday and eat the left overs on Wednesday. Quick meals, bake potato prepared and whacked in the slow cooker and switched on in the morning. Omlettes for tea.

Declutter
y to cleaning the bathroom while kids are in the bath

3 week meal plan

robot hoover

look at TOMM but remember 30 mins a day is the maximum and was created for someone who had cleaning OCD.

Single parent, work full time, I have ADHD (medicated) CPTSD (medicated - this is important for later) and 3DCs in Y10, Y7 and Y2.

I’m up at 6am, out the door at 7:30am, youngest DD dropped off at childminders at 7:40am, then I commute an hour via two buses to work. I’m home around 5:30pm, I pick youngest up at 5:45pm.

Teen DDs get home at 4pm. They either heat up leftovers, make themselves something basic, or just have a snack and then eat with me at 8pm.

When I get home, I read with my youngest, help elder DDs with homework if they need it, bath her, give her supper, put her to bed. By this point it’s 7:30pm and I’ve been on the go for 13.5 hours.

Meal wise for myself, I make basic stuff three nights a week, so pasta pesto, use the rice cooker, slap something in the oven.

8:30pm by the time we’ve eaten, and I prompt teen DDs to check their timetables for PE etc (both waiting for ADHD assessments themselves). I’m exhausted, my ADHD meds have long worn off (usually by 6pm), so the most I can manage is chucking a load of laundry in and sitting on the sofa for a bit.

I take my CPTSD meds at 9pm, and go to bed to read for an hour. If I take them any later, I’ll sleep through my alarm. If I don’t take them, I don’t sleep, I have night terrors, etc. So for the last few years I take them bang on time every night.

My kitchen is always a mess. Teens are in and out, don’t eat with me 90% of the time during the week (we always do at weekends), so there’s their dishes, glasses etc. Also breakfast pots from the morning as there’s no time before leaving.

My bathroom is the same. Me and my teens shower every night, youngest has a bath every night.

Sometimes the living room is a mess too.

Most nights my teens do the dishes, sometimes they don’t. They put their own laundry away.

Its just life. We are barely in the house really and it’s still chaotic.

I have the most basic Eufy and I have that timed for 8pm every evening.

I have a cleaner once a week, she hoovers upstairs, steam cleans the bathroom, kitchen and utility rooms, dusts.

Prior to hiring a cleaner, I was on my arse, up till 11pm and still drowning in housework because I was too exhausted to do it properly.

It won't change your life but it does help a bit. Set a timer for 5 mins and tidy as much as you can in just one room for that time. Do that twice a night and two rooms will be tidier with not much effort. BUT your house is lived in so ultimately don't beat yourself up.

Shocked at a cleaner recommending you only clean the bath every 3 months and wipe your kitchen surfaces weekly, I am messy but that is disgusting.

It sounds like you're exhausted as you need those 1.5 hours every day. I'd try and do it a bit more gently so you don't get burnt out, giving up your free time each night will probably hit harder than living in mess. Pick a room each weekend and try to declutter it a bit, short bursts whilst the kids are playing around you. Once you've done that it'll get easier. Have a rest for 30 mins in the evening then take 20 minutes to tidy and then rest again. You still get the downtime, but 20 minutes is enough to make a difference.

Cleaner.
I had one when my two were little and husband away loads. Amazing. Was a stretch financially but worth it for the amount of stress it removed from my life.

I'm part time now and kids are teens now but if I ever go back to work full time, having a cleaner will be an absolute certainty.

I feel your pain. I'm widowed with 2 kids and I work full time with a 45 min commute each way... life is so hectic. I do a big clean on a Sunday and clean as I go throughout the week. Make packed lunches for school and put in fridge as soon as I get home from work. Usually make them while cooking dinner and listening to DD read. They go to bed 8 and 830, I go bed around 930/10 and back up at 6. Weekends are a blur. I have no family or partner that helps so it is literally a million miles an hour. I have no answers but I definitely have sympathy for you xx

Never cook for one day, always double portions and freeze the rest.

Meal plan or download meal plans and shopping lists.

It gets easier as the kids get bigger.