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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH wants to buy PlayStation

166 replies

Playstationdilema · 25/09/2022 09:51

A bit of background....

We share our finances, both work full time, with each of us having an equal amount of spending money each month.

He's recently had a nice payrise, and was already annoyed that he didn't see any extra personal money out of it (bills). We're comfortable enough, and our personal spending money is an ok amount. What we choose to do with it is our own business.

He has some extra money in his account currently from overtime (wages still paid into his personal account, then transfers x amount into the joint account). He wants to buy a PlayStation, and I'm annoyed that he's viewing this money as his and not family money.

We're currently not communicating, which is making me doubt myself. He's usually quick to apologise when he thinks he's wrong, but he's holding out with this one.

It's not about the PlayStation. It's about how he views this money as his.

And in case it makes a difference (I know it will to some). I am, and always have been the higher earner. Any payrises etc I've had have not been treated as personal money, they are family money and decisions are made accordingly.
I'm not bitter about this...or at least I wasn't until he suddenly had extra money and acting like I'm being unreasonable.

There is actually a specific piece of furniture I've wanted to buy for 2 years (similar value to playstation) and his answer is always no, its not the right time, we don't have the money etc.

There's a lot we need to do in the house, and a playstation is certainly not a priority in my mind.

From his point of view 'he' doesnt have extra money very often and wont have this opportunity again.

So...AIBU?

OP posts:
Afterfire · 25/09/2022 09:55

Well you either have equal spending money or you don’t…? If you do then it needs to be equal after overtime / pay rises etc are included and then if he wants to save up and buy his PlayStation or whatever else then that’s up to him isn’t it? He can’t agree to equal spending money and then exclude aspects of his earnings.

DomesticShortHair · 25/09/2022 09:56

Whilst I agree with you generally, from your post it seems the money from the PlayStation is coming from his overtime?

The problem I can see is, rightly or wrongly, if he feels that there’s no point in working overtime because he doesn’t benefit directly, then he may not choose to work overtime in the future, so you end up cutting of a potential source of future family money.

Maybe you should consider letting him have the PlayStation on the understanding that you then get your piece of furniture next, or something else family related?

Merrow · 25/09/2022 09:57

Maybe you need to have a new approach to payrises where you both get a bonus amount of personal money.

Beyondshit · 25/09/2022 09:57

You get the furniture you want he gets the PlayStation. Done.

And before anyone says the furniture is for the home or the family - DP obvs doesn't care about the furniture so it's certainly not for him.... So it's for you op

ShaneTwane · 25/09/2022 10:00

I would absolutely hate to be in a relationship where i am not allowed to buy something for myself with money i earned from over time i had worked because it has to all go into joint savings.

Its his money. He is right its not often people get a payrise or bonus. Maybe you should do overtime to get the chair you want.

IglesiasPiggl · 25/09/2022 10:01

This seems to be more about your financial setup than individual purchases. You need to rethink how it works, so that you each have a certain degree of autonomy over your own earnings. It must be draining not to have tge freedom, as an adult, to spend money you have earned on something you can afford. Can you pay an agreed amount into a joint account and then remainder is for personal use?

SolemnlySwear2010 · 25/09/2022 10:01

Playing devil's advocate - why should you get the furniture you want but he isnt allowed a PlayStation?

We put all of our money into one pot, but during my DH busy season, he does take a little extra for himself. He goes from working normally 40-50 hour per week to working around the clock, 7 days per week. Some of the overtime goes into the family pot, but he sets aside some for a treat for himself (usually a PS game). I have no issue with this as he works bloody hard and we benefit too with the extra overtime money

OrigamiOwls · 25/09/2022 10:01

I think if it's overtime, ie he's worked extra hours, it should be his to spend. This obviously doesn't apply if someone needed to do overtime just to pay the bills, but as you say you both get personnel spending money so you do both get some free money. You can't choose what he spends his on.

If my DH told me I couldn't spend my overtime money on something I wouldnt be quick to take on any more overtime.

Original poster
Playstationdilema · 25/09/2022 10:01

He doesn't often get overtime. This is potentially a one off.

And actually, as I'm left managing the house and the kids while he does overtime - meaning my life is harder than usual - I'd rather he didn't bother doing it if its only going to benefit himself.

OP posts:
mrsmccormick · 25/09/2022 10:02

Let him have the PlayStation, you buy the piece of furniture.

Original poster
Playstationdilema · 25/09/2022 10:04

I'd actually be happy if the overtime amount went into the joint account, and he said he wanted to buy a PlayStation. Leaving x amount for home repairs etc.

But it's all sitting in his account, likely being slowly wasted on nothing.

We have also booked a weekend away with it. But that is definitely for 'us' and not just me.

OP posts:
StillMedusa · 25/09/2022 10:07

Unless you can't pay your bills, which doesn't sound to be the case, he should be allowed to buy the odd thing for himself! Ditto your furniture... he's not interested so if you can afford it, you buy it..for you.

My dh has always earned way more than me, not a problem, joint pots etc but if he wants something for his hobby generally he gets it. (I have a hobby too and he doesn't moan about subbing me the cost of lessons)

Working has to have some perks!

Merrow · 25/09/2022 10:07

Playstationdilema · 25/09/2022 10:04

I'd actually be happy if the overtime amount went into the joint account, and he said he wanted to buy a PlayStation. Leaving x amount for home repairs etc.

But it's all sitting in his account, likely being slowly wasted on nothing.

We have also booked a weekend away with it. But that is definitely for 'us' and not just me.

Have you suggested that to him? Because from the initial post it seemed like there wasn't an option you were happy with that saw him getting the PlayStation. Personally I'd chuck all the money in the joint account and you both get the PlayStation equivalent amount put into your personal account.

Original poster
Playstationdilema · 25/09/2022 10:07

ShaneTwane · 25/09/2022 10:00

I would absolutely hate to be in a relationship where i am not allowed to buy something for myself with money i earned from over time i had worked because it has to all go into joint savings.

Its his money. He is right its not often people get a payrise or bonus. Maybe you should do overtime to get the chair you want.

My work doesn't offer overtime. His usually doesn't.

I'd potentially agree. But when I've had extra money it has also not been mine to decide what to do with it.

We don't split the bills 50/50.

OP posts:
Workyticket · 25/09/2022 10:07

You say your individual spending money amount is "ok"

Roughly how much are you talking? Closer to £50 a month or £500?

Unless you are both skint I'd be furious if dh told me I couldn't buy something I wanted.

I've gone back to work full time and I'll get my first full wage next week. Most of the extra will go into the joint account but I'm treating myself to a pair of DMs (and possibly a cleaner for us but that's an ongoing discussion)

Tomorrowisalatterday · 25/09/2022 10:07

Our approach - but we have similar jobs and similar salaries which helps - is that overtime is split the same way as salaries (% into joint account % personal) but bonuses are a lower % into joint account on grounds that overtime has impacted on the other person

Original poster
Playstationdilema · 25/09/2022 10:09

SolemnlySwear2010 · 25/09/2022 10:01

Playing devil's advocate - why should you get the furniture you want but he isnt allowed a PlayStation?

We put all of our money into one pot, but during my DH busy season, he does take a little extra for himself. He goes from working normally 40-50 hour per week to working around the clock, 7 days per week. Some of the overtime goes into the family pot, but he sets aside some for a treat for himself (usually a PS game). I have no issue with this as he works bloody hard and we benefit too with the extra overtime money

I'm not saying I should get the furniture. When he says no, not the right time etc I'm OK with that. There are other priorities.

PS game I could deal with. But a whole playstation is not a small purchase, and we have a lot of work in the house that we can't afford to do.

OP posts:
piegone · 25/09/2022 10:10

Your financial set up seems to be failing you both. I would have a massive problem if I 'wasn't allowed' to buy something for wanted, yet you both, for some reason, are doing this to each other. Hey round the table and rethink your finances and how you split/spend.

WalkingThroughTreacle · 25/09/2022 10:11

We have a simple rule in our relationship that has worked well over all the years we've been together. If one of us wants to buy something that is for their own enjoyment/use then the other gets to spend the same amount on something for themselves. If we can't afford both purchases it doesn't happen. So let him buy the PS if he's happy for you to buy something of equivalent value and you as a couple can afford the double spend.

That doesn't solve the problem of the wider approach to your financial arrangement though. You're either sharing finances or your not. He can't expect to share finances, especially as he's benefiting from your higher earnings, but then syphon off any windfalls/overtime/bonuses etc he gets for himself. How you deal with that is up to you but I would be damned if I'd have the piss taken out of me like that. I'd probably just say fine, we revert to separate finances and he can pay 50% of all joint expenses into a household account.

Olsi109 · 25/09/2022 10:11

Sorry but to me it's his own personal monthly amount that he's saved. What do you want him to spend his spending money on? What's the point in having equal spending money if you both dictate what the other spends it on. Let him buy the PlayStation and you buy your furniture.

Original poster
Playstationdilema · 25/09/2022 10:12

OrigamiOwls · 25/09/2022 10:01

I think if it's overtime, ie he's worked extra hours, it should be his to spend. This obviously doesn't apply if someone needed to do overtime just to pay the bills, but as you say you both get personnel spending money so you do both get some free money. You can't choose what he spends his on.

If my DH told me I couldn't spend my overtime money on something I wouldnt be quick to take on any more overtime.

I'm not keen for him to do overtime.

I don't choose what he spends his personal money on.

But why is this is personal money? My money is ours but his is his?

OP posts:
SO224350 · 25/09/2022 10:12

I don't understand why you have to have the same amount of spending money. Can't you just put the same amount in for bills then the rest is yours? Unless your salaries are wildly different? I'd be buying that furniture if you have the spare money

user1471462115 · 25/09/2022 10:13

Change the account you are both paid into, to the joint bills and expenses account and then have an equal amount go out by standing order to your personal spends accounts.

this then would not have even been a problem. Has worked for us for many many years

Topgub · 25/09/2022 10:13

I couldn't be arsed with that.

Being told how to spend my money?

No thanks

Either you have your own personal money or you don't

Original poster
Playstationdilema · 25/09/2022 10:13

Merrow · 25/09/2022 10:07

Have you suggested that to him? Because from the initial post it seemed like there wasn't an option you were happy with that saw him getting the PlayStation. Personally I'd chuck all the money in the joint account and you both get the PlayStation equivalent amount put into your personal account.

Show quote history

I'd be happy with that. But we can't discuss it currently because he's not really talking to me.

And I'm not keen to argue in front of the kids.

OP posts:
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