DH wants to buy PlayStation

[Playstationdilema]

A bit of background....

We share our finances, both work full time, with each of us having an equal amount of spending money each month.

He's recently had a nice payrise, and was already annoyed that he didn't see any extra personal money out of it (bills). We're comfortable enough, and our personal spending money is an ok amount. What we choose to do with it is our own business.

He has some extra money in his account currently from overtime (wages still paid into his personal account, then transfers x amount into the joint account). He wants to buy a PlayStation, and I'm annoyed that he's viewing this money as his and not family money.

We're currently not communicating, which is making me doubt myself. He's usually quick to apologise when he thinks he's wrong, but he's holding out with this one.

It's not about the PlayStation. It's about how he views this money as his.

And in case it makes a difference (I know it will to some). I am, and always have been the higher earner. Any payrises etc I've had have not been treated as personal money, they are family money and decisions are made accordingly.
I'm not bitter about this...or at least I wasn't until he suddenly had extra money and acting like I'm being unreasonable.

There is actually a specific piece of furniture I've wanted to buy for 2 years (similar value to playstation) and his answer is always no, its not the right time, we don't have the money etc.

There's a lot we need to do in the house, and a playstation is certainly not a priority in my mind.

From his point of view 'he' doesnt have extra money very often and wont have this opportunity again.

So...AIBU?

The majority of people voting that I'm unreasonable...are you doing this understanding that it's not his personal spending money that I'm contesting.

It's what is considered family money - or is considered family money when it's my wages.

Are you voting that way because you don't agree with the way we split finances (x amount of personal money each month, the rest is family money)? Or because you think it's fair that my extra money is family money but his extra money is his??

All sounds very hard work life’s to short
get the ps
as for the furniture my guess is he doesn’t like and he’s using the money as an excuse
rather than stand up to you

My money is shared, his is his and if I contest this I'm controlling?

I didn't say I want to buy something else. I don't want to buy the furniture...it was an example of a similar situation where we have decided together what joint money is/isn't spent on.

So stop making all your extra money family money then and keep some for yourself

We all need our own time. We don't share our money. I pay for food shopping, my way of paying for something. Once that is done, DH pays for it after.

If I want something, I save up for it, I have an excel spreadsheet of my money so I can keep track.

I pay for holidays, spending money also.

Honestly OP, the way you do your finances is perfectly common, I know plenty of people who do it like this (it is often, in fact, recommended on MN by people).

You expecting his additional money to be shared when your is, is also perfectly reasonable.

There is nothing in your set up or position that is inherently unreasonable.

The issue is that he doesn’t actually want to play by the rules you have set as a family. He doesn’t pay his money into the joint account and you now know he is keeping additional for himself (I suspect this wont be the first time), while expecting you to put yours in the joint account and share any additional.

So take the discussion away from the PS and turn it into one about what the family approach to finances should be. If he wants it the way he is currently operating that is also fine and a legitimate way of managing money, but the consequence is that you move your money to your own account and only put in a set amount each month and keep the rest for you. He will lose out this way, and you will benefit, but it is also a perfectly legitimate approach.

BUT if you do this, then the amount that you both put in has to cover ALL family expenses, including reasonable amounts for holidays, school uniform etc. Otherwise you will just end up paying for that out of your money.

I think you're being unreasonable and silly to put all your wages into a joint account when he doesn't do the same thing. It's like you're deliberately making life harder for yourself.

Just get your salary paid into your account, transfer a set amount for bills and family spends, and spend the rest on whatever you like. He can do the same and buy the Playstation from his leftovers, and you can buy new furniture with yours if that's what you want to do.

Honestly OP, the way you do your finances is perfectly common, I know plenty of people who do it like this (it is often, in fact, recommended on MN by people).

Really? I've never seen anyone recommend that one person's salary goes into the joint account and the other persons' goes into their own personal account.

I'm not sure how I would instigate this?

Get my wages paid into personal account and only transfer 50% of the bills to joint? If he transferred 50% of the bills he'd be left with no personal spending money but I'd have loads.

If we did it on percentage...I'd have more personal spending than he does, but he'd still have some...less than he does now.
Is that OK? Won't be OK with him.

The problem I have with this second option, apart from the inevitable arguments. We've spent 8 years with me being the higher earner and him benefitting from that, and now I'm tied to a job with little chance of promotion or pay increases (largely because I'm default parent and need to keep flexibility - a whole different argument) while he is free to pursue any promotion or overtime offered without thinking about how it impacts childcare. Eventually his income will be higher than mine, so he's benefitted from me having a higher salary while his is lower, but I wouldn't see the same benefit.

You're not being unreasonable. I was going to say you were at first, but reading all your responses - he's taking the piss!

He needs to get his wages paid into the joint account. Like YOU do! And then get his spends sent to his personal account. It's the only fair way to deal with this.

So you have your money paid directly into a joint account and take your "pocket money" out and put it into another account. He pays his money into his own account and then pays money into the joint account to cover bills. You need to both either take a set amount out for yourself or pay a set amount into the joint account. You are doing y different things and you are resenting him for ending up with more money. I'd find all this just too much like hard work. Why don't you just have your wages paid into your account and pay into the main account, then you can't be petty as you'll have more money too.

Your entire financial set-up is wrong - that's why you're arguing.

Either put ALL money into one account and transfer equal amounts into your personal accounts for spends/fun money, or put both your salaries into individual accounts and transfer set percentages/amounts each month to leave you with a set amount for spends/fun money.

I wouldn't ask his permission or anything - just do it. If it's okay for him to have his salary in a personal account, it's okay for you to do the same.

Presumably you know exactly what I mean, which is the concept that all money is shared other than a certain agreed amount which is kept by each person as spends is a perfectly legitimate approach to money.

If that is the agreed approach to finances and both people can be trusted, it doesn’t matter which account the money is initially paid into, because it should all just be sorted through bank transfers so that the money all ends up in the right place.

Presumably you also read the rest of my post, which said that the issue is that he isn’t actually applying that set of rules because he won’t pay it into the joint account and is keeping more than the agreed amount of money for himself.

Tricky one. It depends on your overall financial situation I think. I would be annoyed if DH got a pay rise and wanted to buy a PlayStation because I've financially supported him for a long time while he retrained and also do the lion's share of the childcare as his course is demanding. I have little money to spend on myself and would expect him to add any extra money to the family pot to finally take some pressure off me.

We get the same amount of personal spending money though so any increase in his pay would increase both our available money by an equal amount- so I'd be perfectly happy for him to do exactly what I would have to do if I wanted a big, non-essential item and save for it. Everything is equal regardless of who earns what in our household so I would be unreasonable to feel I had any say over his personal money.

If you're financially comfortable then I would be happy for him to buy the PlayStation on the proviso that you had the same freedom to buy something you want (the furniture.) If he isn't happy for you to veto his spending, he shouldn't feel he has the right to veto yours.

OP, the more you share the more it becomes clear that you have bigger issues in your marriage than the fact he wants to buy a PS from his overtime payment.

Why are you telling yourself it would be unfair for you to leave him with less spends than you have when that is what he is clearly happy to do to you?

And why are you accepting a position where you have to be default carer for your children while he takes any overtime he fancies?

You need to be having a very serious conversation with him about respect and fairness and if he won’t have it, you really need to be considering how to move forward (and making sure you are saving as much money as you can now before he becomes the higher earner and really fucks you over).

OK, so I think I need to say to him...

We need to discuss how we manage our finances. Do you want to
-each cover 50% of bills, and anything else is our personal money
-each pay in a percentage of the bills based on our incomes and everything else is our personal money
-each pay our wages into the joint account and transfer x amount each every money into our personal accounts (and if there's extra it's split equally).

Difficult conversations. I'm a planner, I know to the penny how much each bill is and how much we have left over. He has access to the same info but gets stressed as soon as money is brought up.

Yes I agree with this. We put all money in the joint account, minus an equal amount of spending money per month. We're saving, so our personal spends are low by mutual agreement. There's a big disparity in what we earn but we both get exactly the same amount- this feels fair and neither of us can argue that the other has more financial freedom or feels like we have the right to quibble on what the other spends money on. If we want something big, we save our personal money or discuss together to decide if the household budget can stretch.

I then manage the funds in the joint account and save or invest anything left over after bills and essentials. We could both spend the money in the joint account if we liked, but the agreement is that we don't unless it's an emergency.

YANBU. I have a similar set up to the one you are aiming for - we both transfer our wage minus an equal set amount for "spends" into the joint account.

When we have extra money (e.g. we both get bonuses occasionally), the person who earned it proposes what to do with it, but fairly. E.g. I might suggest we take x each for personal money, and put the rest in savings. Or we agree to spend it on a specific item.

He wants it both ways - the benefit of sharing your higher wage, and the benefit of keeping his own extra earnings to himself. That's just not fair.

This is exactly when adults also need to get "pocket money". It would be so disheartening to work hard, and never be able to buy anything fun from your earnings. Surely you can see that OP?

You sound like me 😆 I think option 3 is the least likely to cause conflict because he can't feel hard done by if you both have exactly the same. And you can always increase both your amounts if he earns more in the future.

I like the PlayStation, do you like the PlayStation?

I see it as his overtime money so he can buy what he likes. But thats just my input.

I think yes you do just that - tell him either all the money goes in joint account with equal spending money or else you just both pay stour percentage of bills mortgage etc and then you have more spending money than he does and that’s tough shit on him!

he can get a better paid job if he wants more spending money

Same here.

It's cruel to expect him not to buy ANYTHING for himself when he's put in the overtime. I understand you view money as family money but once in a while you should both be able to spend your own money for nice things you want, live a little.