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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH wants to buy PlayStation

166 replies

Playstationdilema · 25/09/2022 09:51

A bit of background....

We share our finances, both work full time, with each of us having an equal amount of spending money each month.

He's recently had a nice payrise, and was already annoyed that he didn't see any extra personal money out of it (bills). We're comfortable enough, and our personal spending money is an ok amount. What we choose to do with it is our own business.

He has some extra money in his account currently from overtime (wages still paid into his personal account, then transfers x amount into the joint account). He wants to buy a PlayStation, and I'm annoyed that he's viewing this money as his and not family money.

We're currently not communicating, which is making me doubt myself. He's usually quick to apologise when he thinks he's wrong, but he's holding out with this one.

It's not about the PlayStation. It's about how he views this money as his.

And in case it makes a difference (I know it will to some). I am, and always have been the higher earner. Any payrises etc I've had have not been treated as personal money, they are family money and decisions are made accordingly.
I'm not bitter about this...or at least I wasn't until he suddenly had extra money and acting like I'm being unreasonable.

There is actually a specific piece of furniture I've wanted to buy for 2 years (similar value to playstation) and his answer is always no, its not the right time, we don't have the money etc.

There's a lot we need to do in the house, and a playstation is certainly not a priority in my mind.

From his point of view 'he' doesnt have extra money very often and wont have this opportunity again.

So...AIBU?

OP posts:
Hbh17 · 25/09/2022 10:15

Gee, let the guy spend the money he has earned. Why is this even up for discussion?

Goldmember · 25/09/2022 10:15

We sort have this with us. All money goes into family pot. DH does o/t and spends on something big he's wanted. I get a Xmas bonus or a one off payment for something and it goes into the pot.
The difference for us is that I spend on personal things every month, hair and beauty, clothing etc, DH spends £12 a month on haircuts and doesn't really spend anything else so I have no issues with him splashing out every now and again.
It's different for you as you both have spends and he's also wanting his extra funds in which YANBU.

piegone · 25/09/2022 10:18

we can't discuss it currently because he's not really talking to me.

That's an even bigger problem.

Runnerduck34 · 25/09/2022 10:19

I get why you're annoyed, seems like your priority is the house and family and your extra money goes into this. His extra money goes into something that purely benefits him.
I do understand why he wants to treat himself but it is a bit self absorbed. tbh sounds like he isn't interested in getting that bit of furniture!
Ive had similar where spending money on our home or DC gives me enormous pleasure, DH perhaps less so and you can't really change that.

PP is right you either have same amount of personal spending money or you don't that's what needs addressing. So if your extra money is shared so should his be.

You then perhaps have to think about if you choose to spend your extra money on something to benefit the home and family rather than a say buying say a piece of jewellery.
Difference in priotites is what can lead to resentment.

Original poster
Playstationdilema · 25/09/2022 10:20

Workyticket · 25/09/2022 10:07

You say your individual spending money amount is "ok"

Roughly how much are you talking? Closer to £50 a month or £500?

Unless you are both skint I'd be furious if dh told me I couldn't buy something I wanted.

I've gone back to work full time and I'll get my first full wage next week. Most of the extra will go into the joint account but I'm treating myself to a pair of DMs (and possibly a cleaner for us but that's an ongoing discussion)

Much closer to £500 than £50.

If he was spending this on a PlayStation I absolutely wouldn't care.

I don't seem to be explaining well that it's about how he views this extra money as his because he earned it, but money I have earned has always been viewed as joint.

If we split this extra amount between us, or it all went into joint with discussions about what to do with it I'd be happy.

For example. I recently had an extra £500 in my wages...we were going on holiday a few weeks later so it went towards our holiday spending money (meals out, days out etc that we both decided on and benefitted from). I didn't decide to spend that £500 on myself and leave us short on spending money - we would have had to spend from our personal spending money on holiday instead.

OP posts:
Original poster
Playstationdilema · 25/09/2022 10:22

Olsi109 · 25/09/2022 10:11

Sorry but to me it's his own personal monthly amount that he's saved. What do you want him to spend his spending money on? What's the point in having equal spending money if you both dictate what the other spends it on. Let him buy the PlayStation and you buy your furniture.

That's not his personal monthly amount. I don't care what he spends that on!

This is an extra amount, which he is viewing as his rather than putting it in the joint account.

OP posts:
mynameiscalypso · 25/09/2022 10:24

This kind is scenario is one of the reasons that DH and I don't have totally joint finances. We share bills obviously but I work and if I want to buy something with my money, I buy it.

Diablocircus · 25/09/2022 10:25

Is it the money or are you concerned the PS is going to eat into family time?

BadgerLovesMash · 25/09/2022 10:25

If that is his attitude, that his money is his, and yours is for sharing then cut back what you put into the pot and any extra you have keep for yourself. He can't have it both ways, either you share finances or you don't.

ihatethefuckingmuffin · 25/09/2022 10:27

i remember having this argument with my ex.
I reminded him that although it was coming out of my personal money everyone would be benefiting from it. And the fugly piece of furniture he wanted he could save his own personal money for it if he wanted it that badly.

He never bothered saving up for what he wanted. The dc’s and me have had hours of fun with the ps.

Original poster
Playstationdilema · 25/09/2022 10:27

For those thinking it's about the furniture, it's not about that either.

If I had the extra £400 and he got his playstation, I'd likely spend it on much needed house improvements. The furniture would be nice to have, but not essential.

Our priorities are different.

OP posts:
DomesticShortHair · 25/09/2022 10:28

Playstationdilema · 25/09/2022 10:27

For those thinking it's about the furniture, it's not about that either.

If I had the extra £400 and he got his playstation, I'd likely spend it on much needed house improvements. The furniture would be nice to have, but not essential.

Our priorities are different.

But yours are right?

Original poster
Playstationdilema · 25/09/2022 10:29

Diablocircus · 25/09/2022 10:25

Is it the money or are you concerned the PS is going to eat into family time?

It's how he's viewing the money.

Playstation unlikely to impact family time any more than the xbox already does.

I'm happy for him to have downtime to do what he likes. I've recently started taking time too, it's important for both of us.

OP posts:
Thewolvesarerunningagain · 25/09/2022 10:30

Depends on what you have had to do to support him in the overtime / work to get pay rise. If his doing that means more childcare / housecare/ family responsibilities for you that's different from if this only affected him. If the latter, it's his money, otherwise a conversation needs to be had about how he can reciprocate so you can get more spends or the allocation of household money.

Workyticket · 25/09/2022 10:30

I don't get it - if you have close to £500 each spending money he could buy a play station every month

You could buy the furniture you want every month?

Could he buy the PlayStation and the furnishings from his bonus?

Antarcticant · 25/09/2022 10:30

Who will be using the Playstation? If it's solely or mainly him, then it comes out of his money.

Original poster
Playstationdilema · 25/09/2022 10:32

DomesticShortHair · 25/09/2022 10:28

But yours are right?

Show quote history

Well obviously I think so!

But that's not really the point. I'm not also getting the extra £400 to spend on my priorities. Because he sees the money as his.

OP posts:
lannistunut · 25/09/2022 10:32

There is actually a specific piece of furniture I've wanted to buy for 2 years (similar value to playstation) and his answer is always no, its not the right time, we don't have the money etc. This is the key bit of the OP, if he has historically said no, he can't expect the answer to be yes now?

But maybe you need a general chat to agree the basic principles.

EL8888 · 25/09/2022 10:34

BadgerLovesMash · 25/09/2022 10:25

If that is his attitude, that his money is his, and yours is for sharing then cut back what you put into the pot and any extra you have keep for yourself. He can't have it both ways, either you share finances or you don't.

This! He definitely wants of both ways and that’s not fair

LuaDipa · 25/09/2022 10:36

I think your dp is wrong.

I was a sahm for a while but during that time I received a not insubstantial inheritance. I didn’t buy myself anything, it went straight into the family pot. Dh paid for everything else so it would have felt wrong to prioritise treating myself when we needed things as a family.

If this is your dp’s attitude I would let him get the PlayStation but think very carefully about the amount that you are contributing to the family purse. You should be partners and ge us behaving like a spoiled brat.

Original poster
Playstationdilema · 25/09/2022 10:37

Workyticket · 25/09/2022 10:30

I don't get it - if you have close to £500 each spending money he could buy a play station every month

You could buy the furniture you want every month?

Could he buy the PlayStation and the furnishings from his bonus?

He says he can't save up because he doesn't have enough money (cigarettes, nights out - rare but expensive etc).

I could also save up - I do, but also invest my personal money, spend on days out with the kids etc.

I'm not bothered about not getting the furniture particularly. It's not a specific piece, just something that would be useful. We can and do live without it.

OP posts:
romdowa · 25/09/2022 10:37

Sounds like you both need to revist the arrangement you have regarding finances. I can't help as everything is family money here. I couldn't be faffing about with house money , his money and my money.

DomesticShortHair · 25/09/2022 10:37

Playstationdilema · 25/09/2022 10:32

Well obviously I think so!

But that's not really the point. I'm not also getting the extra £400 to spend on my priorities. Because he sees the money as his.

Show quote history

I’m sorry, I was being a little bit provocative. Of course, you both think you’re right, if you didn’t you wouldn’t be having this issue. For me, I can see merit to both sides of the argument.

To be honest, this sounds like a really good time to have a talk about finances and goals between you, and come up with a strategy that you can both get on board with and support going forward. It’s not really about the PlayStation, or furniture, or home improvements. It’s about a lack of agreement. Use the PlayStation issue as a catalyst to force the wider conversation, and accept that you’ll both have to (and should) compromise on what you think is right, so together you can both do what’s best.

gogohmm · 25/09/2022 10:38

The problem is that you have separate accounts, hence it is his money. I always had a joint account, we discussed major purchases and yes we had PlayStations but they would be a family Christmas present

Shamoo · 25/09/2022 10:39

I totally get you OP, and I am not sure what other people are missing.

You both have £x per month spends, which is equal and can be spent on whatever you both want. But this isn’t the money he wants to use for the PS, he wants to use other money that he has from his wages. That money should be going into the shared pot, as is agreed, and then you decide together what that is spent on. Say its £1000 extra he got from the overtime, that could go in the pot and you both get £500 to spend on whatever you fancy because it isn’t needed for anything else. But he shouldn’t just get £1000 for himself.

I actually have the same issue at times with my DP. I am the much higher earner but everything is shared completely, and we are both left with a certain amount (the same) for spends each month. All bonuses I get go into the shared pool (and we always both get a treat from that of an equal sort of value of whatever we fancy). When my DP occasionally gets additional herself, she keeps it and buys herself treats - I see none of it. It irritates my and isn’t right, but I can never be bothered with the consequences of pointing it out. So I let it happen, as we have enough money that it doesn’t stop me doing what I want to do most of the time. She seems to think because she earns less its fair for her to keep it, even though that clearly makes no sense. My bonus may be £40k and hers will be £2k. If I kept mine to myself there would (rightly) be hell to pay, but she keeps all of hers. It is definitely unfair.