DH wants to buy PlayStation

[Playstationdilema]

A bit of background....

We share our finances, both work full time, with each of us having an equal amount of spending money each month.

He's recently had a nice payrise, and was already annoyed that he didn't see any extra personal money out of it (bills). We're comfortable enough, and our personal spending money is an ok amount. What we choose to do with it is our own business.

He has some extra money in his account currently from overtime (wages still paid into his personal account, then transfers x amount into the joint account). He wants to buy a PlayStation, and I'm annoyed that he's viewing this money as his and not family money.

We're currently not communicating, which is making me doubt myself. He's usually quick to apologise when he thinks he's wrong, but he's holding out with this one.

It's not about the PlayStation. It's about how he views this money as his.

And in case it makes a difference (I know it will to some). I am, and always have been the higher earner. Any payrises etc I've had have not been treated as personal money, they are family money and decisions are made accordingly.
I'm not bitter about this...or at least I wasn't until he suddenly had extra money and acting like I'm being unreasonable.

There is actually a specific piece of furniture I've wanted to buy for 2 years (similar value to playstation) and his answer is always no, its not the right time, we don't have the money etc.

There's a lot we need to do in the house, and a playstation is certainly not a priority in my mind.

From his point of view 'he' doesnt have extra money very often and wont have this opportunity again.

So...AIBU?

@LittleOwl153 I think you're spot on.

And I'm waiting to see about the changes.

I think I want him to buy the PlayStation now. Partly so the money isn't wasted, but also so I can initiate the change that is clearly needed.

I have no problem with him making a big personal purchase, even from joint savings if it's discussed. And I don't believe he'd have a problem with me making a personal purchase (not furniture - he seems to have a different issue with stuff for the home).

But I needed to make sure this was a one off, and not the way it'll be from now on. The recent promotion comes with potential for a bonus (not huge, but decent). I'm worried the same thing will happen with that.
The promotion also happens to put me under more pressure at home, so it's not as simple as he worked for it so it's his.

This squabbling over money is so utterly dysfunctional, this tit for tat approach. I don’t see how this relationship can last.

MN is full of stories of women who are financially disadvantaged by their partners.

Be it paying for and doing way more than their share.

Paying for everything for the children, reducing their hours and still paying 50% of the bills with partners out earning them x4.

Not being on deeds.
Not having access to savings.

In every scenario the men come out better financially than the women.

Your husband is no different.

All I am doing, like others, is warning you of the reality of your situation and the likely future outcome.

He's not a team player.
He's out for himself ultimately.

You will be kicking yourself when you finally see it played out.

Him out earning you, and not a notion of playing by the rules you played with for years.

You will feel both foolish and used.

If you were my daughter I would simply advise you to acknowledge the relationship you are in and the way it is, not how you hoped it would be.

Knowledge is power.
Protecting yourself is simply sensible.

This.

Exactly.

Half the house would be his if you split despite you paying more and you paying for improvements.

He could up his salary substantially, walk away with half the house and pay you absolutely bare minimum CM while he pockets his fine salary after being subbed by you for years.

This unfortunately is the reality that some woman endure.

I couldn't be bothered making a fuss tbh.
If it was a fancy sports car maybe but it's a £500 playstation.
Go buy the furniture, book a weekend away.
Dp and I agreed no more selfish expenditure on the run up to Xmas. However a colleague is leaving, we've all agreed a girls weekend away would be great fun.
Sometimes compromise is the only option.

Update for those that are interested.

PlayStation is bought after a talk last night.

He apparently does see it as 'our' money, but wanted to make sure it went on fun stuff rather than house stuff.

Agreement to pay his wages into joint account...although dragging his heels a little as he's worried hr will f is up. Its an excuse I feel, but it is also like him to worry about things like this. Anyway, he's said he'll do it, he just wants to make sure they do it right.

There is a further overtime payment to come, and I've been assured that the PlayStation purchase is a one off. I'll be making sure we do actually use some money for sensible things too.

It may seem like an overreaction on my part. But I can assure you, had I just said nothing about the PlayStation and not voiced my concerns then the same thing would have happened with every overtime or bonus payment. He very much saw the money as his, and I'm sure is still wishing it was - but now understands that he was unfair. I've spent years subsidising him with my higher income, and have been and still am happy to do that - as long as the PlayStation incident is not repeated.

He's still completely misunderstanding me. And with some of the remaining money wants me to treat myself to a haircut and beauty treatments. I'd rather get new carpet on the landing.

But he's right...I'll always find something practical to spend the money on, and never treat myself.

Treat YOURSELF to something, you are worth it. I think your DH does have a point if any spare money always goes on the house.

@YumYummy it doesn't always go on the house, I think we have a good personal spending budget. But it's definitely him that instigates personal spending, where my priority is getting the house nice. That is what makes me happy.

I'd never go for a spa treatment unless he either booked it for me or kept telling me to book it. It's just not really who I am. But I do enjoy having nice nails once they're done.

Another option to avoid this in the future is, putting both of your basic/standard wages into a joint account each month. Set aside the £XXXX needed for bills for the month, then set aside £XXX to go as standing orders into separate saving accounts (such as £50 into a House/Furniture savings account, £50 into Holiday savings accounts, £50 into a Electronics savings account etc). And then in the future, stuff like furniture, and the Playstation can come out of these already presaved savings, as long as there's nothing more necessary required to be purchased instead.

Then whatever money is left over for the month, split between you and him as your 'pocket money', free to spend as you wish.

The only thing left to decide then is, what happens for any extra funds received for overtime/bonuses etc from work. Which would be something to discuss between you personally.

The Playstation should come out of his usual monthly spending money, even if he has to save for several months to get there. Obviously.

It is not okay for his one-off extra earnings to sit in his account, as his money, when all other earnings are family money, and you earn more than him anyway!

A grown man, with children, who wants a Playstation, for his personal use, when he already has an XBox, is not really on board with being a father and shouldering family responsibilities. Assemble the wildfowl - and absolutely do not have any more kids with him.

I can't believe that anyone thinks you're unreasonable to want your money and his money to be treated the same.

I can only imagine that they misunderstood your posts OP. Even though they were perfectly clear to me.

I'm glad there's been a resolution and don't let him keep putting off having the money paid into the joint account. HR messing up is a complete excuse. He gives them the bank details and they make payment. It's not complicated.

Urgh he sounds like a dick. Silent treatment is emotional abuse.

Use this opportunity to leave him.

Before you do, ask him why he gets a playstation but you can’t have the furniture.

Sounds like you’ve got to a very productive outcome, OP. Shone a light on the “all the money is shared, apart from when it’s my extras” assumptions. And fair enough that he wants to spend some on “fun” things if you can both afford it. Everyone is motivated by different things and he’s not wrong to find enjoyment in different areas to you, as long as the important stuff happens. Nice work.

This is pretty much exactly what we do! Several different savings accounts for separate things (Christmas, holiday, house stuff). But there's never actually enough as the house needs so much doing to it.