DH wants to buy PlayStation

[Playstationdilema]

A bit of background....

We share our finances, both work full time, with each of us having an equal amount of spending money each month.

He's recently had a nice payrise, and was already annoyed that he didn't see any extra personal money out of it (bills). We're comfortable enough, and our personal spending money is an ok amount. What we choose to do with it is our own business.

He has some extra money in his account currently from overtime (wages still paid into his personal account, then transfers x amount into the joint account). He wants to buy a PlayStation, and I'm annoyed that he's viewing this money as his and not family money.

We're currently not communicating, which is making me doubt myself. He's usually quick to apologise when he thinks he's wrong, but he's holding out with this one.

It's not about the PlayStation. It's about how he views this money as his.

And in case it makes a difference (I know it will to some). I am, and always have been the higher earner. Any payrises etc I've had have not been treated as personal money, they are family money and decisions are made accordingly.
I'm not bitter about this...or at least I wasn't until he suddenly had extra money and acting like I'm being unreasonable.

There is actually a specific piece of furniture I've wanted to buy for 2 years (similar value to playstation) and his answer is always no, its not the right time, we don't have the money etc.

There's a lot we need to do in the house, and a playstation is certainly not a priority in my mind.

From his point of view 'he' doesnt have extra money very often and wont have this opportunity again.

So...AIBU?

Sounds like your system was working until this Playstation thing, and the overtime is a one-off?

It also sounds like you don’t want to change the current set-up as he will soon be the higher earner?

So why don’t you just sort this by agreeing that when he does overtime he can keep the money, and you can take an equivalent amount from family funds, so you each get a treat of the same value.

But surely you have read the thread and know that they both get money every month to spend on what they like?

And he only could do the overtime because OP is the default childcare but it apparently does not work both ways so the op has no opportunity to similarly boost her personal spends should she wish too. It's a fundamentally unfair set up and goes way beyond "he worked hard to earn it'.

YANBU.

You had an agreement in place that bonus money is to be shared as family money, he is not honouring that.

This is coming from someone who doesn't share money or do the "family money" thing. We both contribute 50% to mortgage and bills paid from our joint account and everything else we have in our own accounts.

If we need to buy something big, we split it 50/50. Consequently we never argue about money. I also have a large amount saved up in case we should ever split up (lessons learned from past relationship).

You need to have a proper conversation and agree going forward that any bonus you get will be seen as your own.

Yes, I think this is what you're going to have to do.

YANBU, I completely understand how you arrange your finances - we do the same.

The intention is that all earnings go into one pot, the bills get paid, and then you both get equal spends from the remainder of the pot which you can use however you want. He's benefitted from this arrangement for a long time because you're the high earner.

But the problem is that he now doesn't want to put all his earnings in. So I guess you need to find out what arrangement he actually wants...

The bigger problem is that changing the arrangement now may disadvantage you in the future when he becomes the high earner. So he will have had the benefit of you sharing when you earnt more, but then potentially not had to share when he earns more.

You haven't mentioned much about it in your posts, but why are you default parent? Normally the high earner is the one who gets to have flexibility of working and less responsibility for childcare etc (but I've long suspected that's just a convenient excuse for the men who happen to be high earners...!).

I think you're correct on the convenient excuse.

My work is more flexible, his isn't. To a certain extent this is because I have asked for that flexibility where he hasn't. And won't. But the nature of our jobs has lent itself to mine being more flexible - his should become more flexible, but he'll soon realise this doesn't actually make life easier. Just different.

He alai wouldn't be able to do overtime presumably if you didn't have the kids. If he wants to be pedantic then he should pay towards childcare costs then before he considers it his money.

Me and my DH have the same set up as you and id be feeling the same if he suddenly decided any extra money he earnt through overtime was his when he cannot do overtime if I am not around for our child (even on nursery days as he can't do pick up/drop off).

Your absolutely right to give him the options that benefit you more at the moment financially and including in that option should be he pays you for 50 % childcare cost if he does overtime on a weekend.

I think this has become over-complicated by red-herrings/moot points. If I understand correctly, after bills etc... are paid and the agreed personal spending amount each month is retained by each of you - any earnings over and above that typically go into and remain in the family pot.

So in your view, if one of you gets a pay rise or a bonus, the arrangement on bills and the personal spending amounts should remain the same and the additional income should go into the family pot to boost family savings or to be spent on an agreed purchase - be that home improvements, a holiday or whatever. Am I correct?

I understand this point of view, however I also understand it from your DH's point of view. Your views on what would be a worthwhile use of that money are different. You admit that you would not even buy the piece of furniture you like because you would want to forego that in favour of home improvements or whatever. Your DH places value in things that make life fun eg. entertainment/games etc.

I can also see that it could feel frustrating to get a bonus or pay rise and not feel like you're seeing any of it for yourself. This again is influenced by your different ideals on how to spend money and what makes life enjoyable. You get enjoyment out of some home decorating, improving your home, and that is fine. He gets enjoyment out of other things. That is also fine. However it is also going to lead to this issue repeating itself.

Perhaps it might be helpful to come to an agreement/compromise in relation to "extra money" - such as - if one of you gets a bonus for example - half of the "extra" amount goes into the joint pot and half can be an extra bit of personal spending for that person. You can CHOOSE to put it all into the joint pot if you want - but agree that either of you can retain up to half of it if you want without it being an issue.

Obviously if bills were a problem then I would expect any extra money to be prioritised in that direction, or if it were a massive life-changing sum then it would need a different approach - but that does not appear to be the case here.

I think that he should be able to buy the PlayStation if you’re not desperate for the money elsewhere.

but I also think any extra you get should be available to you to use before it automatically goes to the family pot.

extra is extra, not part of the general monthly budget and the person who earned / won / inherited it should have the majority of the say in what happens to it. UNLESS the family are broke and it is really needed to go into the pot.

Is this 'extra' on top of what you usually earn? Or extra on top of 50% contribution to bills?

So he keeps his overtime money and has more spending money, even though I contribute more to the bills than he does?

Or everyone keeps their own 'extra', outside of their 50% or fair share of bill contribution?

I don't understand allocating personal money.

You each pay whatever you agree is fair towards bills, you each put some money into joint savings if you need to and then anything leftover is personal money. If he's had a pay rise then he needs to pay more towards bills/joint savings but then should still be left with more personal money. Seems the fairest way to me.

I get your point about looking after the kids whilst he does overtime but if the over time was a one off, then I really don't think that's a battle worth fighting.

A difficult conversation and a change is clearly needed. It's not right for your wages to go into the joint account and for his to go into his personal account.

Extra on top of whatever the usual arrangement is. But same goes both ways for either of you getting a bonus or overtime etc.

You understand correctly.

You're right, and this is a much more fundamental issue. Something that needs discussing.

I think he does also want the nice house, but gives no thought to where the extra money will come from. I've enabled this, as I've just spent my money on home related stuff.

Or how about he buys it as a Christmas present for himself?

Sounds to me as if you are mug and spectacularly naive financially with it.

He does exactly as he pleases and you are the parent.

He conveniently shouts you down when you try to discuss things.

This marriage in on his terms.

You desperately need to wake up to the reality of your situation.

Him wanting a ps4 seems completely in character with who he is.

A selfish man child.

A little harsh to call me naive when I've called him out the first time he's tried this shit.

Financially, I've been treating him exactly as I would expect to be treated if he was the higher earner.

Let him have the PlayStation. Life is too short and too dull to work hard and not get at least one treat out of it.

I wouldn't be as kind as you OP. Splitting by percentages is fairer but it sounds like you go beyond that so he gets more spending money - and now he wants more?

Slight update. I've put the three options in text...cowardly maybe, but I wanted to make sure I got everything out there that I wanted to say.
I've also said how hurt and disrespected I feel that I've been treating my income as shared the whole time I've been higher earner, making sure we're equal financially, and he isn't doing the same.

2.5 hours. He read straight away. And he's huffing around the house tidying up. Giving me short responses if necessary to talk to me at all.

To be clear. Each of the three options would enable him to get the PlayStation. So as far as I can tell his issue seems to be that he doesn't want to his wages be benefit me...something that my wages have been doing for him for the last 7 years.

And there lies the key problem. He's a selfish arse who wants to spend 'his' and 'your' money how he chooses.

I’m guessing also that you wouldn’t use the PlayStation but he’d benefit from the furniture?

Not read the whole thread but from your op you are both being a bit unreasonable. He is being by treating money as his. You are being unreasonable being a bit disdainful of something he wants. I’d imagine that the thing you want you think is more worthy. Perhaps have a proper conversation about how you can buy both things over a period of time, showing value to both your preferences.

But if OP has to do more of the heavy lifting at home while her husband is working overtime then they are both working extra hours because of it. If she didn't facilitate the overtime by picking up his load at home, then he couldn't do it!

I'd hate to have no autonomy over my spending. You both need to be able to assert your wants and not be nit picked. This sounds stifling.