DH wants to buy PlayStation

[Playstationdilema]

A bit of background....

We share our finances, both work full time, with each of us having an equal amount of spending money each month.

He's recently had a nice payrise, and was already annoyed that he didn't see any extra personal money out of it (bills). We're comfortable enough, and our personal spending money is an ok amount. What we choose to do with it is our own business.

He has some extra money in his account currently from overtime (wages still paid into his personal account, then transfers x amount into the joint account). He wants to buy a PlayStation, and I'm annoyed that he's viewing this money as his and not family money.

We're currently not communicating, which is making me doubt myself. He's usually quick to apologise when he thinks he's wrong, but he's holding out with this one.

It's not about the PlayStation. It's about how he views this money as his.

And in case it makes a difference (I know it will to some). I am, and always have been the higher earner. Any payrises etc I've had have not been treated as personal money, they are family money and decisions are made accordingly.
I'm not bitter about this...or at least I wasn't until he suddenly had extra money and acting like I'm being unreasonable.

There is actually a specific piece of furniture I've wanted to buy for 2 years (similar value to playstation) and his answer is always no, its not the right time, we don't have the money etc.

There's a lot we need to do in the house, and a playstation is certainly not a priority in my mind.

From his point of view 'he' doesnt have extra money very often and wont have this opportunity again.

So...AIBU?

He has autonomy, we both do. A set amount per month, not a small amount.

I think this just highlights the bigger issues you have. Your current arrangements seem very skewed - you are giving up more of your salary now to the family and you are also sacrificing future salary increases to the flexibility you need to be the default parent. He really is not committed to giving anything of his up for the good of the family as a whole - his values seem to be completely different to yours.

That's not autonomy though. Me and my dh don't have a joint account. He earns more than I do, so pays more of the bills. Food shop is done by whoever feels it needs doing. Whatever is left after bills, food shop etc is ours to spend as we want. That's my understanding of autonomy, and has worked for us for 30 years

Well that's him being shitty then. For what it's worth I'm the higher earner by a fair amount and our system is what other people have suggested - everything from both of us in the joint account and then the same amounts back. We both like the freedom - DP is more sociable so tends to spend it on going out with friends, I buy expensive games they're not going to play!

Neither of us are in industries where bonuses are a factor, but if there's an instance of a new job or promotion then the person does get a "well done" present from the joint account, which is an indulgent splurge. I do think it's nice to have it recognised, which is why my immediate reaction was pro the PlayStation purchase. If finances accommodated it I'd not have a problem with my DP getting one as their splurge. Having said that, we also have nothing like £500 a month each to play with!

Funnily enough my DP just finished their masters, which they had been doing part time, and I said they should treat themselves to something in recognition of how hard they'd worked. Their immediate response was that I should get something too as I'd taken on more of the house work and childcare to enable them to study. First time it has been relevant since DS has been born and it seems fair as I was impacted, just like you have been with the overtime, but it wouldn't have occurred to me as the obvious thing to do.

But considering his reaction to bringing it up it seems like a problem beyond a PlayStation.

This.

I mean you are naive to not realise the reality of your situation is the above.

He's a selfish arse and you have been funding him and his life for years.

It is staring you straight in the face.

It reads as if you are nervous of him and his moods and shouting?

That is abusive behaviour if you are.

Please protect yourself.

Oh and FYI, not normal to have to text your husband because you are afraid of them shouting and getting upset.

The PS4 is the least of your worries.

Your relationship is not healthy or respectful of you.

It strikes me that you lose any way!

You said that his earning potential will go up and you won't benefit in the way he's benefitted from your earning being higher. You won't benefit anyway because he has his wage paid into his account and only transfers what he needs to.

You need an honest and frank conversation, with examples to emphasise your points if needs be.

My exH used to do this with overtime. He'd take on overtime, leaving me to look after our son so he could do said overtime, but then say he'd earned it so it was his. Never understood when I tried to say that I couldn't do overtime because one of us had to be there to look after our child.

Everything of ours now just comes out of a joint account so we both know what we have. We get what we need when we need it, get what we want when we can afford it and we're each considerate of the other - ie, if it's a big "want" (eg PS) we'd plan for it and then not take the mick the next month by the same one of us wanting something else big (eg xbox).

God you must be bloody fuming after your latest update. He's being so immature and shitty about this! I'm sorry.

He gets the PlayStation and you become a bit more selfish with your salary.

Wow OP there are a lot of issues going on here.

He shouts at you and stonewalls you when you try and have a reasonable discussion

He has one rule for you and one for him

You are the default parent and the higher earner, yet are effectively putting your career on the backburner to support his in the future, knowing what his attitude to money is? It appears that he spends his personal money on him having fun and you spend personal money on house essentials and days out for the kids - things that benefit everyone and should essentially come from the joint account.

I'd think very carefully about a lot of things in your relationship not just finances. I think in your quest to be 'fair' you've gone too far the other way...if he was financially supporting you, I'm sure youd prioritise his career and do more at home. But you seem to have accepted a position where you do everything. Prioritise sorting the house. Priotise the kids. Subsidise him. Financial planning as he spends all his share. Sacrificing career progression. Default parent....

What does he bring to this relationship? In what ways does he priotise you or the family?

I've maybe been a bit harsh on him, or people have read too much into the shouting.

His default reaction when he's annoyed is to raise his voice. This makes me uncomfortable and I do avoid conflict. But it's just shouting, not necessarily shouting AT me.

He's a good person. A good Dad. There are gaps that need addressing, and some that have already been addressed.

I've told him to buy the PlayStation, rather than have the money sit in his account and be wasted on nothing over the next few months. He's declined, says he's not buying it.

We're talking now. He said he's hurt that I said he's with withholding money from the family when he does everything he can for us, booked us a weekend away with some of the money, spent some money on me and the kids.

I knew this reaction was coming...since the original argument he made a point of using his card rather than the joint card while food shopping etc, something he doesn't usually do. Small purchases to make a point.

He hasn't addressed the options I've given him beyond saying we share everything 50/50 (meaning we share what's left 50/50) and he's not complaining about that. Hasn't said anything about getting his wages transferred into the joint account, as I do.

He's also saying he's ill (got a cold) and that's why he's snapping etc. Which basically stops further conversation.

He's also apologised - as have I for going to bed without speaking to him the previous evening.

But no real resolution. I guess I'll see if he gets his wages changed over to the joint account, or if he mentions the money again.

OP I've changed my mind after reading your last posts.

You say if you both paid a percentage of bills he'd have less spending money and wouldn't be happy about it. So you're giving him some of your hard earned money so he can spend the same as you. I wouldn't have that! He needs to get a better paid job if he wants more spends. My partner earns way more than me and I wouldn't dream of asking for some of his money if I wanted to treat myself.

I've put YABU. Because I think your system is a little faulty.

I think you should both be contributing equally to bills. Both contributing equally to saving. Then all the rest is your own to do as you wish. So you treat your bonuses as yours. He treats his as his.

It sounds like your general earnings go into a joint account but his overtime goes into his personal account and that's where the problem is.

If that's the case then the current agreement you have (whether or not you planned it!) is that overtime money is his, not joint. So of course, he feels OK to spend this how he sees fit.

If you want it to be joint money, it needs a discussion and needs to go into the joint account, not his own.

I think I would let him buy the playstation this time, but moving forwards you need a discussion about it and ideally agree ALL earnings (including overtime) go into the joint account.

It doesn't mean he can't treat himself but just makes things more fair.

If he doesn't agree to it then you can't really tell him what to do I guess, but I think it's a bit rubbish of him to keep some money to himself when other earnings are joint.

I completely agree with you on this and don’t think you are BU. My partner got a bonus for some work he had done, it required overtime and nights away from home, I had to look after our DC alone during this time which is hard work (additional needs). So he, rightly, used some of the money for an essential bill and then split the rest between us to each get a treat.

My DP has a PS4 already, but only because he saved his personal share of spending money over a number of months. Him getting a treat for himself when technically the money has been earned by you both (as he wouldn’t have been able to do the OT if you hadn’t facilitated it by looking after your joint DC) doesn’t seem fair. Unless you agree to take it in turns on future and next time there is a family windfall, it goes solely to you. But even then I wouldn’t be happy really. Seems fairer than split it each time.

Oh wow, I just saw your most recent post OP - so am I right in thinking your earnings go into the joint account, but his earnings go into his personal account?

That's extremely unbalanced and not fair.

My suggested set up is:

ALL earnings go into a joint account, then from that you pay yourselves an equal amount each month into each of your personal accounts. This is your individual spending money for treats, clothes, entertainment etc.

Joint spending comes out of the joint account - meals out together, stuff for the house, bills, etc.

Individual spending comes from his individual account - so the playstation and any games etc. counts as an individual spend.

At the moment it sounds like you have a halfhearted situation where you 'sort of' have joint finances but not really. That is always going to cause stress and friction.

I still think you need to go back over a few bank statements of his and check he has been paying enough of his pay into your joint account.
the more you post the less I think he is being totally clear and transparent about this.

So more stonewalling.

You are knowingly setting yourself up for a fall.

He isn't honest or straight.

You need to stop transferring your salary into the joint account, but that would involve you standing up for yourself and not being a mug.

He is not a good husband or father, he's a bully, who stonewalls and doesn't pay his way.

Don't expect long-term loyalty from such a man.

When his salary outstrips yours, you will see exactly how selfish he is.

You have been well warned.

Don't fall for the emotional blackmail OP. Use this situation to sort your spending arrangements. If hes not prepared to talk about it take the decision you have control over (your money going into your personal account).

Omg. He does pay his way!!

Usually he transfers the bulk of his pay into the joint account, leaving his personal account with the same amount that I transfer to my personal account.

It's fallen down recently with overtime, which he doesn't usually get paid. If he didn't tell me about the overtime payment I wouldn't have known, he could have just bought the PlayStation and told me he's been saving up for a few months. He didn't, he told me about the overtime payment. He's also spent part of it on a weekend away for us, but wanted to use the rest for a PlayStation.

The weekend away is nice. But the implication is that it's in his account so it's his to decide what to do with it. Which is not what happens with my money.

This is exactly what I'm disputing with him. Why we've argued about it. Why he's saying he's not buying the PlayStation.

I'm not being a mug. I'm calling out unfair behaviour as it happens.

Most people think I'm being unreasonable anyway! Which is why I said get the PlayStation, but his wages need to go into the joint account to make sure this is a one off.

I also think changing the way we (agreed to) manage finances would fundamentally break us.

I think it's fair that we both have equal personal spending money, even if that does currently benefit him more than me.

Splitting bills 50/50 or as a percentage of our incomes would leave him with little to no personal spending money. That's not acceptable. He works hard and we've made life decisions based on our joint income.

I'm also stubborn, and if he opted out of our current arrangement based on him now earning more due to overtime (if he thought it wasn't a one off) I would be insisting on a 50/50 split elsewhere too. I wouldn't be paying towards sky sports, or making his dinner. He'd have no access to savings unless he put money in too.

He won't opt for that, because he's not an arse. He just saw an opportunity to get a PlayStation and didn't realise the consequences of saying 'I have this money'.

So he could have done this OT without you knowing and just spent the money?

So him doing OT is not something you notice re his presence in the house, childcare, doing his share of the load?

Really?

His continued refusal to pay his salary into the joint account is him having one eye on his future salary while you look after today.

He could have not mentioned that he was getting paid for it. Overtime is not usually paid in his position, or in mine.

He's not good at secrets, so I do completely trust he hasn't usually got extra money in his wages.

@billy1966 and completely agree about his refusal to pay his wages into the joint account. This is the main issue, not the PlayStation at all.

He just saw an opportunity to get a PlayStation and didn't realise the consequences of saying 'I have this money'.

The big question is has NOW realised the consequences. AND is he going to change things as a result.

It's difficult to tell whether someone is being truly abusive from a few lines on an Internet forum, and I suspect many PP are trying to protect you from their own lived experiences of living with (potentially worse) cases of manchild/cocklodger etc. believing that you are potentially as nieve as they were until they discovered the truth.

I suspect the reality is that he is used to your 'sorting stuff', being the financially responsible one, the 'grown up' if you like, and has got a bit complacent when it comes to the fact that his lifestyle depends on both your money and it seems your labour at home/ with the kids. I think he has fundamentally rocked your belief that everything is shared and that is why you are questioning everything.

Given that he is spending on bits like the food shopping I would now expect him to say the money has gone so he can't transfer it and as you suspect it will be wasted - or he will buy something he wants which is more easily hidden just to make a point to himself. Either way I suspect this is going to continue to make you feel he is hiding something which will eat away if it is not resolved.