DH wants to buy PlayStation

[Playstationdilema]

A bit of background....

We share our finances, both work full time, with each of us having an equal amount of spending money each month.

He's recently had a nice payrise, and was already annoyed that he didn't see any extra personal money out of it (bills). We're comfortable enough, and our personal spending money is an ok amount. What we choose to do with it is our own business.

He has some extra money in his account currently from overtime (wages still paid into his personal account, then transfers x amount into the joint account). He wants to buy a PlayStation, and I'm annoyed that he's viewing this money as his and not family money.

We're currently not communicating, which is making me doubt myself. He's usually quick to apologise when he thinks he's wrong, but he's holding out with this one.

It's not about the PlayStation. It's about how he views this money as his.

And in case it makes a difference (I know it will to some). I am, and always have been the higher earner. Any payrises etc I've had have not been treated as personal money, they are family money and decisions are made accordingly.
I'm not bitter about this...or at least I wasn't until he suddenly had extra money and acting like I'm being unreasonable.

There is actually a specific piece of furniture I've wanted to buy for 2 years (similar value to playstation) and his answer is always no, its not the right time, we don't have the money etc.

There's a lot we need to do in the house, and a playstation is certainly not a priority in my mind.

From his point of view 'he' doesnt have extra money very often and wont have this opportunity again.

So...AIBU?

OP,

I think a man with children wanting a PS4 is a disaster waiting to happen.

It has the potential to be an area of huge conflict in the time it consumes.

I know, we have one that my son's use at night.

I think you need to rethink your division of finances and I think you need to have a look at him.

He does overtime for himself avoiding sharing the parenting role, and wants a ps4 which will likely be a big time distraction for him.

He sounds like a juvenile arse.

Thank you. This is very sensible and does need to happen.

I struggle to get my point across to him and get upset when we argue...he shouts, and gets very stressed when we discuss money.

I really don't know why you are getting such a hard time over this op. I totally understand where you are coming from.

You earn more than him and so pay more of the bills, instead of having MINE and YOURS all money in a joint pot so you are equals with equal spare cash and you make joint decisions. But now he's saying that his unexpected bonus overtime (that you actually enabled him to do with childcare) is actually not part of this equation and he doesn't want to follow the normal rules despite him benefiting from them at your expense ( being the higher earner.

I would not be happy with this and I would suggest that any future pay rises of my own would follow the same pattern he wants. I would absolutely let it be known that if he wants to deviate from the way you have always done it, then he will lose out in the long term and YOU will have more cash spare than him. Tell him if he wants a PS5 , Christmas is soon?

By the way, the thing you should say to him at this point is that it is fine if he keeps the money for himself and buys a PlayStation, as long as he is in agreement that all bonuses and additional money you ever get (including pay rises) are yours to keep as well (and do what you want with). I suspect if you are the higher earner that will play out much better for you than him in the long term.

You need to relook at your finances, I don't have joint just because the thought horrifies me ( exh, abusive incl financially) but you need something that feels fair to you both, what you are currently doing doesn't appear to work for either of you

We have a joint account AND personal accounts. My wages is paid into the joint account and x amount a month is transferred to personal.

He's reluctant to get his paint into joint, and I'm now realising it might be so he can keep any extra for himself.

So your current set up is that the personal spending money stays exactly the same each month, and any wage/bonus increases make the joint pot bigger.

He would like some of wage bonus / increases to reflect in his personal spending money. Probably so he feels like he is getting something back for them and so he feels “rewarded”.

If it were you, you’d feel “rewarded” by your extra money earnt going towards improved overall family pot - like you said, communal spending money on holidays, improving the house etc. You feel the benefit and reward for all when you do these things.

But he is saying he would like a different approach - he doesn’t feel as personally “rewarded” by home improvements. He may see them as necessary and appreciate them, but he isn’t perhaps motivated by them in the same way?

You earn more and are the main breadwinner. I think this is significant in your different approach. You always have the opportunity to have more money and have chosen that it goes towards family. But he probably thinks “if she really wanted x she could just get it with her bigger salary”. He earns less, is more reliant on you, and would like to feel independent every now and again, and would like some of the “extra” to go to him rather than joint. Maybe he wouldn’t mind if you did that too. The fact you aren’t personally interested in doing that isn’t particularly relevant. I think because he earns less, the occasional bonus of his creating should affect him more directly if he wants.

But, if it results in him wanting to do a lot more inconvenient overtime, that’s a different conversation, as it affects you directly.

Also I’m absolutely intrigued what you both spend near £500 per month on for yourselves? What comes out of this bucket for you and him?!

I’m with you, OP. You’re not being unreasonable.

ask him if he wants to change the arrangement about how you pay for things jointly. He can keep his money but then you will keep yours and stop paying it into the joint account. Instead you can both find the joint account with £x a month.

he probably doesn’t like that idea but it’s fairer than what’s yours is everyone’s and what’s his is his alone.

OP if you are the higher earner then of course you are expected to provide more for family. That is obvious.

You also said that you could save up but instead you choose to invest. That is what you choose to do with your personal finances. What DP would like to do is buy himself a playstation.

Presumably if he's recently got a promotion, then he's worked hard and deserves a reward?

I can't ever imagine being told that I can't treat myself with my own money.

Do you see his wage slip, cos I am now wondering how much he keeps for himself.

this is all very suspicious and I would be demanding to see wage slips and corresponding bank transfers to the joint account.

he needs to get his wages paid in direct to the joint account, or you go 5050 on household expenses , and see how he likes that. I get a feeling he owes an awful lot of back contributions.

is he bothered you earn more, bless his little male ego

I think people are missing the point. Its not about the playstation.

It's that when you earn extra money, he is equally involved in decisions about how its spent. Its shared equally.

When he earns extra money, he keeps it all to himself, even though that means he would have more. So he is completely going against the grain of how the family finances work, but only when it suits him

People saying 'well if you dont agree to it then maybe he wont do overtime' are also missing the point - the OP doesn't want this. And the OP wouldnt have this attitude towards going for a promotion or something 'well what's the point if it's going on bills and I cant spend it on something just for me'...so why should he?

OP see if you can speak to him. Tell him if that's how he wants to view any extra money that's fine, but you need to agree together what that will mean when you get a promotion or bonus or one of you gets an inheritance. Will he be happy with you swanning off for posh meals or weekends away with mates because you suddenly have more spare cash than him? He surely cant come out and say 'what's yours is mine but what's mine is just mine' and if he does you have bigger issues than a playstation

Ok the thing that needs to change is either both wages go directly into the joint and equal spends taken out, or neither do and a proportion of your salaries go in to cover bills with the remainder as spends and each of you can choose to prioritize whatever. Maybe a 3rd account for savings / project or something. It's completely unbalanced that yours all goes straight into joint and he chooses what to put in. The fact that you are enabling the overtime by managing the extra childcare makes it doubly irksome. What would actual childcare cost for those hours if you weren't available? If neither you nor the kids will see any benefit from the OT, why should you facilitate it?

I was going to say YABU until you said about him saying no to furniture which costs a similar amount. So YANBU, if there is no money as he says for you to get the furniture then there is no money for the PlayStation.

I think you should have yours transferred into your account and then put a set amount in the joint account. See how he likes it.

You're completely right here, especially as you're the higher earner and always share the money you earn.

Of course this is not about the play station (or furniture or anything else). It is about his approach to finances. Of course the extra money should be the same. If you have an all in approach to finances it should be exactly that. The only time this wud be ok is if it were birthday money or a gift of some kind.

I'm repeating myself...but it's not his personal money we're talking about.

It's what would usually be seen as joint money (if it was part of my wages), in addition to his personal spending.

We just get paid into our own accounts and then we both transfer our half of the bills / mortgage into the joint account (he pays more in than me as he earns more)

then we have a savings account and I put 200 in that a month and he puts 300! That’s for holidays/house stuff etc

then we both have money left to do whatever we want with it.

couldn’t be dealing with this having to ask can I get something it’s ridiculous - you are both adults

You obvneed to adjust how you split the finances

At the moment whats yours is his but what's his is his.

He can't have it both ways

It's your financial set-up that's the problem here. You have one salary going into the joint account, one into a personal account so of course there's confusion.

Either both salaries get paid into the joint account and personal spends/savings are transferred out, or both salaries are paid into personal accounts, and a set amount/percentage is transferred to the joint account for bills.

In your shoes, I would get my salary paid into my own account and just transfer a set amount over each month to cover your share of the bills and savings. Whatever is left, spend on what you want - furniture in your case, and the Playstation in his case.

There is actually a specific piece of furniture I've wanted to buy for 2 years (similar value to playstation) and his answer is always no, its not the right time, we don't have the money etc

The answer to your problem lies right in there. Sorted.

I was just going to say this. Yeah he gets the PlayStation. You get the furniture. Everyone wins!

I think his refusing to pay his salary into the joint account is a red flag.

Start paying yours into your own account and only match what he pays in.

He clearly wants two sets of rules.

He shouts you down when you try to discuss it?

This is to shut you down.

You are being very very naive and need to protect yourself.

Stage one is moving your salary into your own account, reduce what you pay in and build a contingency fund for you and your children.

I bet you are going to need it.

I'd be more concerned about where the PS is going to fit into family life?

#bitterexperience

You sound controlling to be honest. Either just share all your money or pay a set amount into a shared account. You are basically paying a set amount into an account but now he has a bit extra you want everything to be shared. You can't have it both ways and stomping your feet that you want to buy something else with the money he has sounds quite childish. He's paid his money to cover bill so the rest is his, he wants a PlayStation so he can buy a PlayStation, he's an adult.

We share all our money, our PlayStation broke so my husband replaced it, he didn't even mention it. We use it for the TV to hook it up to the Internet (TV is a few years old) I really didn't care he'd replaced it. He doesn't splash out on things generally, nor do I so if one of us buys something big there's no fallouts it just means we really wanted whatever it was. There's complete trust on both sides so money can be shared. I earn slightly more than my husband, it isn't even a thing, the money is our money, we've never fallen out over money in the 18 years we've been together. I'd be pretty pissed off if my husband was dictating to me what I can and can't have like I was a child besides.