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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be furious with adult dd

227 replies

Nolitoad · 25/09/2022 09:13

I have 2 dc, dd (23) and ds (13). Dd does not live at home but I had her round for dinner last night. I was in the kitchen serving up and when I brought it in I saw that she had poured a glass of wine for herself, me and her brother.

I immediately remarked on this and said ds is not allowed to drink. She said really well he is when he is with me. DS has sleepovers at her house 1-2 times per month and has done since she moved out around a year ago. When I asked her what she meant it turns out she has being allowing him to drink when he stays over.

I didn’t want to have a big row with her in front of ds so just whisked the glass away from him. Later in the evening I asked her why she had allowed him to do this she told me my approach to alcohol is wrong and she said she wants to introduce him to alcohol in a safe and structured way. When I said it’s not her place to decide this she said the only way my approach is going to end is him drinking in secret in a park. I am really cross with her as he has been staying over at hers since he was 12 and she has been giving him alcohol during this time without mentioning it as she knows I would disagree. I know ds is also guilty of this and knows he is not allowed to drink so will deal with him also.

I messaged their father who said he didn’t know this was happening and it’s not ideal but it’s hardly the end of the world as we can’t micromanage their relationship.

AIBU to be really annoyed about this?

OP posts:
NotYourOscarSpeech · 25/09/2022 09:16

I’m amazed a 12/13 year old would even enjoy the taste of wine tbh.

Personally, I agree with your DD - my parents are in France and young teens having (sometimes watered down) wine with a meal is completely normal. However; it’s your decision as a parent and now she knows your views on it she should respect that.

Hankunamatata · 25/09/2022 09:17

Its not her place to decide and yes I'd be cross. We dont drink much in our house but I do remember growing up in as allowed a shandy from young age on a Friday night (trickle dads beer in lemonade). Didnt stop me drinking in the park

Midnights · 25/09/2022 09:18

Eek - regardless of peoples views on introducing alcohol as a young young teen, it's not her choice to make. She's not the parent, she's playing the cool older sister role.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 25/09/2022 09:18

YANBU. This is a parenting decision and it's really not her place to over step. 12 is still so young! And there is plenty of evidence to show her theory is wrong anyway.

Even if you're family, no one gets to say that someones approach to their own child is wrong and overrule them (unless there is neglect or abuse or something)

TabithaTittlemouse · 25/09/2022 09:19

It’s not up to her. Sounds like she’s not very mature.

TeenDivided · 25/09/2022 09:19

Definitely not her place to decide.
She sets the rules for her own kids when she has them, not yours.

I'm sure also there are studies that show normalising drinking from a young age leads to more drinking later, not less?

If she won't follow your rules on this then maybe the sleepovers need to stop. Will she be buying him drugs next because it's not a big deal either?

Pumpkinpatchlookinggood · 25/09/2022 09:20

Handing out alcohol to minors has been proven to lead to more cases of alcohol dependency.. Time to stop the sleepovers op.

EarringsandLipstick · 25/09/2022 09:20

You're 100% right & DD is way out of line. 12 / 13 is way too young for any alcohol, and your DD is talking nonsense. There's no evidence (the contrary in fact) that introducing teenagers to alcohol at an early age ensures a sensible attitude to drinking.

Waterfallgirl · 25/09/2022 09:20

The drinking in the park ( in secret) is a separate thing - that is something (many) teenagers do anyway!

Whether you have strict rules or not, that’s up to you, not her.
Your daughter sounds awful and quite controlling, and frankly a bit immature.
Do you have a good relationship otherwise, because this feels calculated and quite nasty.
I’d be fuming with her.

Scaredofthemoon · 25/09/2022 09:21

Does your daughter have a poor relationship with alcohol that she blames you for?

MsTSwift · 25/09/2022 09:21

That’s really bad. Plus studies have shown the “introduce it in at home in a safe environment” innoculates against future alcohol problems is actually bollocks. It endorses it and those children actually more likely to be heavy drinkers.

howdoesatoastermaketoast · 25/09/2022 09:21

I think the only thing to do really is stop the sleepovers. I would consider the introducing alcohol through the occasional half glass of something weak approach a reasonable decision FOR A PARENT to take, but would still find 12 way too young tbh. But the dishonesty, and encouraging your son to lie to you / keep secrets from you, means that imho she has proven herself untrustworthy and I wouldn't be allowing unsupervised contact.

Blendiful · 25/09/2022 09:23

YANBU this is not her decision I agree with that.

I think actually her approach is potentially the right one, and one I have personally taken myself for my own DD, however I only started allowing it at around 15 not 12/13 and it was generally 1 small cider on occasion, wine I wouldn't choose though I know it's popular with families in France etc.

But yes she shouldn't be doing that without your permission

Discovereads · 25/09/2022 09:23

While I agree with your DD that a bit of alcohol now and then is a safe and structured way (it’s very common on the continent and they have lower rates of binge drinking/drunkenness etc), I think YANBU because you are your DS parent and it’s your decision to make, not her decision. She’s not DS parent and so she should not be undermining you in such a way.

I’m not sure what you can do about it. Forbidding DS to go to his sisters is too harsh, as it will cause a rift in the family that could last the rest of your life. But you know, if he goes she will be letting him have a drink now and then.

I think your best bet is to sit down with her and come to some agreement. I’d try explaining to her that you’re the parent, it’s your decision and how would she feel if you undermined her parenting decisions on any future children she might have. I’d also point out that your way worked with her and so while her way isn’t terrible, neither is yours. She obviously doesn’t want him getting drunk in secret, that’s something you both agree on/share in common.

If you can’t convince her to stop, then I’d talk to DS and tell him how alcohol is a toxin and knowing he will drink at his sisters, teach him to only have one drink a day or some other limit. Talk also to DD and get an agreement on a limit for while he is there.

Thestagshead · 25/09/2022 09:23

She needs to respect your wishes and not give him booze but fundamentally she’s correct, making alcohol taboo is what leads to issues later, introducing it in a safe structured manner with meals is the way to go

Pumpkinpatchlookinggood · 25/09/2022 09:25

Send her links to under age alcohol and brain damage.

Pumpkinpatchlookinggood · 25/09/2022 09:25

Send her links to under age alcohol and brain damage.

Thestagshead · 25/09/2022 09:25

I’d also ask her op if she ended up drunk in parks due to your approach to alcohol? I think you need to hear what she maybe telling uou.

OrigamiOwls · 25/09/2022 09:26

She isn't his parent so she shouldn't get to make these choices.

tiredinoratia · 25/09/2022 09:27

Have you asked her why she felt the need to step in here in particular. Although potentially misguided, is there a deeper reason? Was there conflict about this beyween you and her that is unresolved or did she have some scrapes in a park as a teenager that she felt unprepared for and overwhelmed her so is trying to do differently for her brother. Id have a curious and neutral conversation and make it about the issue, removing the you against each other. Most people tend to act with the best intentions even is the excecution is different to what you would prefer. You obviously trust her enough to have him overnight so I'd focus on that aspect and go from the trust as a start point.

Original poster
Nolitoad · 25/09/2022 09:29

I don’t really want to stop them seeing each other without me or their dad being there as I want them to have a close relationship but I accept I might have to.

OP posts:
Thestagshead · 25/09/2022 09:29

Pumpkinpatchlookinggood · 25/09/2022 09:25

Send her links to under age alcohol and brain damage.

I suspect it’s the op who needs the link and the Daugher knows. It’s much safer to not make alcohol taboo as young people binge and came suffer damage. A few sips of wine with a meal and an acceptance of alcohol is the way forward.

many counties who treat alcohol as nothing special. Part of the meal, and let kids have it early have significantly lower issues with child alcohol abuse.

as said, I don’t disagree with what she’s doing I do disagree that she’s right to do it and she needs to respect the parental wish even is she knows it’s damaging.

Softplayhooray · 25/09/2022 09:30

She knows she's in the wrong else she'd have told you about it.

purpleme12 · 25/09/2022 09:30

Definitely a decision for parents (regardless of people's opinions)
She's overstepped the mark

Thestagshead · 25/09/2022 09:30

Nolitoad · 25/09/2022 09:29

I don’t really want to stop them seeing each other without me or their dad being there as I want them to have a close relationship but I accept I might have to.

Oh dear.